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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S 23 Y/O AND MAKES YOU FEEL OLD? IT'S THE B3TA NEWSLETTER"

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This Week: 
* BUM-WIPE GAME - finally this experience digitised
* ANOTHER CLICKY GAME - can you click it? Yes u can
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Brit remakes of American TV
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're refusing to be
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | nostalgic for when the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| was better... together"

B3ta email e-zine 906 - 10th May 2024 

Read this issue to your confused Alexa:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue906

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making everyone wish they'd grow up 

  * HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED TO WIPE YOUR BUM? - Dave 
  Bagpuss writes, "Following through from last 
  week's b3ta newsletter which contemplates 'some 
  kind of wiping arse game', I bring you 'The Shit 
  Shit Game'. Nothing more than a lavatorial 
  number-guessing game, simply guess the number of 
  sheets of cheap and nasty toilet paper you need 
  to wipe your arse clean." We didn't expect this 
  to happen as the suggestion was filler really, 
  but we're so pleased it has been, we laughed our 
  arses off. 
https://shit-shit-game.bagpuss.org 

  * BRITAIN'S OLDEST SHEEP - In more 
  make-you-feel-old content, legendary b3tan 
  photoshopper Sheep has updated a GIF he last 
  updated 20 years ago. We hope to publish the 
  third iteration of this joke in 2044. See you 
  there fellow old people. 
https://b3ta.com/board/11407431

  * TAPPY GAME TWO: TAP IN THE CITY - Kevin Doyle 
  has followed his 'tappy tap' game we brought you 
  last week with this one where we were baffled as 
  to what the rules were for about a minute, then 
  worked it out, and we're not going to tell you, 
  because we enjoyed that moment of joy of working 
  it out. But rest assured, you still need to tap. 
https://bigjobby.com/maze/ 

  * INTRANSITIVE HAND GAME (that's what Wikipedia 
  calls it) - Atomirex is a developer who we've 
  accidentally drawn into the B3ta cult by 
  mentioning one of his games in a previous 
  newsletter and now he's posting his new one on 
  /links and he describes his latest as "Showdown 
  - Rock, Paper, Scissors Against A Markov Chain 
  In A Sombrero". Blimey, this is sorta nuts but 
  fun. 
https://www.luduxia.com/showdown/ 

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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  Look, you should buy some clothes, ok? 

  You dress terribly, everyone knows. You should 
  be ashamed of yourself, sitting there reading 
  the B3ta newsletter in your dungarees and clown 
  shoes. But don't worry, help is at hand, you can 
  look cool as fuck with some Hebtro threads. All 
  made in the UK, built to last and they never 
  tell B3ta what copy to write, so yeah, take off 
  your clown shoes OK? 
https://hebtro.co/

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: FESSHOLE
  Confessions Xenomorph bursts from the b3ta chest 
 
  Each week we ask you to confess and then pick a 
  few to tweet out and see what happens. Mostly 
  what happens is numbers go up and strangers hate 
  us, and that's what success is in a digital 
  world. A few you liked recently include: 

  * BACK WITH ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE COCK BLOCKING 
  DAD JOKES - "We planned to have a family day out 
  to the Sea Life Centre. Being a typical dad, and 
  knowing they have a moray eel, I planned to say 
  'that's a moray' to the tune of That's Amore. On 
  the day, a bloke 5 metres in front of us said 
  the same thing. Ruined my day it did." 

  * THIS DOG IS NO COP - "Adopted a 'failed' 
  police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always 
  been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, 
  caring, protective. Started to wonder why the 
  cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods 
  where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran 
  head-first into a tree." 

  * WHY YOU SHOULD VET YOUR JOKES - "Don't give 
  your pet a cute food name. Today at the vets, a 
  man came in & said to the receptionist 'I'm here 
  for Cheeseburger.' I said, 'Do you want fries 
  with that?' About 20 mins later his wife came in 
  crying & the technician brought out the body of 
  their dead dog." 

  Follow the account that only has followers 
  because people mistook it for the funny one that 
  posts nipples that look like Winston Churchill. 
https://twitter.com/fesshole

  Come to the live shows, the next one up is 
  Northampton but that's sold out - tickets 
  available for B-b-b-b-birmingham, Brighton and 
  Durham. Do come, even if you hate Fesshole, coz 
  we throw in 10 or so mins on b3ta to keep you 
  lot from complaining. 
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

  Buy the book, it's our attempt at doing one of 
  those 'Heroic Failure' kind of books that we 
  enjoyed reading at Christmas as a kid. Not that 
  that world really exists now. 
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  The CD2 bonus tracks of the newsletter single 
  * I SPY BOLLOCKS - A daily game of Eye Spy set 
  at various locations on Google Maps.  Can you 
  spot the item depicted in the emoji?  Actually 
  far tougher than it sounds. 
https://eyespy.world

  * WOMAN DOES A COVER OF KRAFTWERK'S OHM SWEET 
  OHM ON THE THEREMIN  - b3tan Gub~Gub writes, 
  "The way she shapes her hands to change the 
  notes and the control she has is pretty amazing 
  to watch" You could also have fun dubbing on 
  different music, should fun be your thing. 
http://b3ta.com/links/1614868

  * WHAT DOES YOUR PIN NUMBER SAY ABOUT YOU? 
  'Information is Beautiful' has done a 
  visualisation of the most common pin numbers. We 
  also should mention that the creator and old 
  B3tan friend David McCandless has got some 
  tickets on sale and is doing shows all over the 
  world and this newsletter team will be checking 
  out his London show. And yes it IS Pin Number, 
  no it's not redundant, fuck off pin twats. 
https://informationisbeautiful.net/visualizations/...

  * NEW IDEAS ARE NOW TERMINAL - Apparently you 
  can now buy coffee by the command line, which 
  feels like a project someone could have launched 
  in 1995 when the internet was all "oh my god, 
  I've given my barbie doll an IP address." 
https://www.terminal.shop/

  * CRUCIAL PRODUCTIVITY HACK - Technology has 
  finally advanced far enough that you can remove 
  items from your Google Calendar using a game of 
  Break Out. Next week: empty spam from your inbox 
  by winning against it on Sam Fox's Strip Poker. 
https://mastodon.gamedev.place/@eieio/112089959616...#

  * REALISTIC MATT ROUND SIMULATOR - Matt Round 
  suggested we check out this interactive game 
  thing that reminded us a bit of that game Sims 
  but if it was specifically about the life of 
  Matt Round. Hopefully this isn't massively 
  insulting as we only played for a couple of mins 
  and don't know if the main character starts 
  doing weird shit or not. 
https://foodforfish.org/

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Computer Pop 

  Here's the best images from last week which was 
  all about making computers and old pop music 
  combine, which is one of the long term themes of 
  this website really. Our favs included: 

  * How many times do we have to tell you that 
  Monkeon is the finest comedy mind of our 
  generation? We'd love a whole book of this 
https://b3ta.com/board/11407149

  * The old jokes are the best jokes - thanks 
  Cumquat May 
https://b3ta.com/board/11407041

  * A joke with a Sting in its tail - from 
  Afinkawan 
https://b3ta.com/board/11407178

  * See all the other images from the 'Computer 
  Pop' challenge: 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/computerpop/popular

  >> This week: British Remakes of American TV << 
  The Americans are always remaking our TV shows, 
  but what if we were to remake theirs? Show us 
  using the power of Photoshop - and quite how 
  have we not done this challenge before? 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/britishremakesofamerican...

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some ideas to kick start your creative farts 

  * HMV - THE TEXT ADVENTURE - could be fun to 
  wander around HMV in the Mander Centre, 
  Wolverhampton, in a specific week in 1985 and 
  only play their stock, the top 40 singles, a 
  bargain bin, and the album chart etc, all via a 
  text interface, but with banging sound. 

  * BABY REINDEER - THE COMPUTER GAME - can you 
  write 45,000 threatening emails in 2 years? The 
  timer is ticking. 

  * YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHOSE BROTHER THIS IS - 
  this week we've been enjoying looking at 
  pictures of Kevin Spacey's brother who looks 
  like Rod Stewart on ketamine. There's probably a 
  quiz in celebrities' odd relatives, in fact 
  someone probably has already written it, but who 
  cares, do it bigger and better. That's how to 
  make shit work, don't care it's been done, do it 
  your way. 

  Send us an email - we read everything you send 
  us - and often have to wash afterwards. 
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically. 

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK 
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON 
  JAMES* *STOOBERT* 

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN 
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS 
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE 
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY, 
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW, 
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH 

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright, 
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam 
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian 
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy 
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna, 
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster, 
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister, 
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien 
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss, 
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David 
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law, 
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith 
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor 
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus 
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain 
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James 
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason 
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim 
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe 
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John 
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude 
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad 
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway, 
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt 
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman, 
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler, 
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, 
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul 
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter 
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington, 
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, 
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, 
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, 
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon 
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, 
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim 
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom 
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil 
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood, 
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough, 
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote, 
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey 
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John 
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne, 
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston, 
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, 
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, 
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig 
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will 
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, 
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, 
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner 
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, 
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam 
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David 
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre 
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor 
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan 
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph 
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul 
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient 
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark 
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, 
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy 
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben 
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of 
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John 
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David 
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, 
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh 
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer 
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee 
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark 
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, 
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, 
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel 
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, 
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, 
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, 
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane, 
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase, 
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam 
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris 
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths, 
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria 
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt. 

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round 
  additional links; Monkeon for image challenge 
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing 
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Take me caking, cake out 
  in the rain - Kat) 

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim 
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek 
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger, 
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN 
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua 
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri 
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris 
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil 
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben 
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, 
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, 
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special 
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST 
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel 
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant, 
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD, 
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil 
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And 
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and 
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich 
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to 
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you 
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much 
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair 
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg 
  Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker, 
  Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE 
  YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian 
  Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank 
  you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson, 
  Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS 
  THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub. 
  BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt & 
  JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell 
  and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka 
  Mikec, 
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.

  And do please donate as you get occasional 
  "bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a 
  couple of bits recently, do sign up. 
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

  Like Liz Truss, we too are victims of the Deep 
  State, who've conspired to prevent the B3ta 
  newsletter having more subscribers. Take a blow 
  against the unelected blob by telling your 
  friends to sign up. 
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/

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: BONUS 'THE ROB MANUAL BY ROB MANUEL' FESSHOLE
  "Not a fess, but advice. I'm an ex-burglar, now 
  work for a home security company using my past 
  for good. If selling your house be careful what 
  you leave out in plain view. I'd look at photos 
  of houses on estate agent websites for 
  valuables. It's basically a catalogue for 
  burglars." 

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