From the Join The Army! challenge. See all 275 entries (closed)

( Zank Frappa Dahmer Llama Karma Drama!, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:02, archived)

i remember that joke from my childhood.
from national lampoon, when it was funny.

edit: how rude! i like the pic.
( postbear is creepy and old and gross, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:03, archived)

did they make up before Full Metal Jacket?

( hanke, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:04, archived)

Did they make it up before Jesus?

( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:05, archived)

i don't watch war movies, they make me tumescent.

( postbear is creepy and old and gross, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:06, archived)

I was raised on 'em
When we were trying to find my Mom a new brand of Christianity when The Catholics gave her a scarlet letter for having been divorced we suggested Quakerism. She turned it down because she said she loved war too much.
( hanke, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:12, archived)

that and she hated oats.
mmmm, tasty peace oats.
( postbear is creepy and old and gross, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:14, archived)

she should give the Westboro Baptist Church a shot

( Agent Muu b3ta.com/board/9745928 <- b3taday festivities!, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:20, archived)

^this

( Tahkcalb &omega;&infin; for sigs, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:26, archived)

Really?
 
I heard it from Spike Milligan.
( Rapitinui comes in a wrapper of cellophane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:04, archived)

i first read it on a cave wall at lascaux!

( postbear is creepy and old and gross, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:05, archived)

Did large-scale war exist then?

( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:06, archived)

against the bees, yes.

( postbear is creepy and old and gross, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:08, archived)

but did they antropomise the bees and refer to them as people then?

( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:09, archived)

cloooooose

(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:10, archived)

Ok.

( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:11, archived)

my memory of that time is dim, but you may be right.

( postbear is creepy and old and gross, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:11, archived)

the wars were slightly smaller
but the people were a little bit larger
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:08, archived)

SCHNURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
 
*tackles*
( Rapitinui comes in a wrapper of cellophane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:10, archived)

[goes tumbling down grassy hill in cloud that arms and legs and irregular symbols come popping out of]

(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:12, archived)

*snigger*
you said ass.
( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:13, archived)

i've only seen a handful of asses
we're talking donkeys here


and most of them looked indifferent.

i'm not sure a sad ass exists, according to my own personal experience.

if you can bake a tastier and more moist brownie than i, i will admit defeat and accept that asses can be sad. if my brownie is more crumbly and delicious and full of wholesome flavor than yours, i'd like two pieces of hard candy, to divide among my kin-folk.
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:18, archived)

Well, you know what they say.
 


 
( Rapitinui comes in a wrapper of cellophane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:20, archived)

I accept your challenge of a bake off.

( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:21, archived)

the rules:
time machines are allowed to be used, but only for the first competitor to enact such a device.

we're talking cosmic time here, not greenwich mean.
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:22, archived)

Are you talking reletavistic time as well?
Lets say I force you into a machine that travels approximately the speed of light, so that time dilates, and you think that you have been gone for an hour, but in my time you have been gone for about a month, hence giving me more time to perfect my brownie?
( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:25, archived)

technically i was the first to use the time machine
so the official bakery starting time would reset to whenever i consciously reached my new present


so you'd have a good amount of time to prepare, but we'd still have to start at the same time

excluding, of course, the possibility that where we're going we won't need roads.
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:28, archived)

Hmm. How were you technically the first person to use it?
You may have been the first person to ride it, but I pressed launch and therefore used it

and TECHNICALLY it's not a time machine, it's just a device to warp the perspective of time.
( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:29, archived)

a "time machine"
is any machine that has anything to do with time:

an am/fm clock radio, a coffee maker with an automatic start feature, a toaster oven with a count-down crank timer, et cetera.

since i was the first person to experience the machine's effects, according to ancient time machine lore from the future, i was the first to use it.
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:32, archived)

Ok, so what if I make you travel AT the speed of light, therefore making time not exist for you
therefore it is not a time machine. I can then contain you in an environment with no time, while I take as much time as I need with my recipie as I need.
( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:34, archived)

while i'm in this timeless environment
will my body still feel the requirements of the passage of time? will i need to use the bathroom? will i need to consume food? does this time-free zone have a full kitchen or just a microwave?

a crock-pot?

are ramen noodles able to be softened, or do i have to eat microwave burritos? do breakfast burritos count as burritos? is it the ingredients that make a burrito or is it the tortilla wrapping?
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:37, archived)

This isn't true, time still passes at the speed of light, it's just that if you had some really extreme zoom function,
the light that reaches your eyes would be the same light as when you started travelling at the speed of light.

So if you flew backwards from the planet and could somehow keep staring at the same spot, everything would appear completely still.
( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:38, archived)

what if i were on top of some very tall building,
would i be able to see my house from there, or would "the people all look like ants from way up here"?
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:40, archived)

The question really is
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SNIPER RIFLE?
( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:47, archived)

You're wrong.
Einsteins equation = SQRT(1-V/C)

V/C at the speed of light =1, 1-1 is 0, square root of this is infinity.

1/ SQRT(1-V/C) = time dilation

1/0 is infinity, therefore time does not exist.
( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:42, archived)

What the fuck is a light year then?
If time doesn't exist at the speed of light, then light wouldn't take time to travel anywhere. It would reach its destination instantly.

It takes 8 minutes for the light from the sun to reach us. WHAT IS WITH THAT, EINSTEIN?
( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:47, archived)

It's called relativity. A light year is a distance, not a time, about 9.7x10 to the 15 metres, or 1/3 of a parsec.
and it's from the perspective of the photon that time doesn't exist. In other words, relative to the photon, time doesn't exist, but to US, the photon experiences time.

As far as a photon is concerned, it is both at the place it was emitted, and in our eyes at the same time.
( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:49, archived)

*skulls a beer*
You're talking shit. Light isn't timeless, it just travels really, really fast. Faster than the human eye could process.
( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:55, archived)

I'm telling the truth. It is a fundemental truth which has been proved.
Just accept this ( I am a physics student ) and move on.
( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:57, archived)

IT IS JUST A THEORY. I AM SMARTER THAN EINSTEIN, LISTEN TO ME.

( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 7:00, archived)

It has been "proved".
Through countless bits of research
( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 7:00, archived)

i heard that scientific research
proved research to be completely unusable, and in fact, to yield results which are precisely the up-side-down versions of the actual truth.

for instance.


did you know, that research has proven that swingsets actually only swing when they are being viewed by someone who is being suspended up-side down above a mostly grassy field with some bare spots of dirt and one small irregularly shaped patch of mud, around which two hundred and fifteen third graders run, for fifteen minutes every other half hour, on monday through friday, but only when two as-yet undiscovered stars are not perfectly in line with minnesota and someone in a south-eastern country taking a hearty gulp from a sparkling red can of coca cola?
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 7:09, archived)

I take it you haven't studied quantum mechanics?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loop_quantum_gravity
( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 7:11, archived)

I have, just remember that nothing in physics is really universally accepted.

( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 7:16, archived)

I guess we're arguing the same point then.

( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 7:22, archived)

i heard somebody saying
that the only reason everyone thinks light is so cool is that it pays the big kid five gold pieces a day to beat up anyone who says otherwise.
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:57, archived)

i'll make your brownies beg for the sweet release of death when i whip out my ginger cookies.
they're good.
( postbear is creepy and old and gross, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:28, archived)

I only know how to make cakes.
and they are legendary.
( Master Of Turnips. soi kitara murheissaan, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:30, archived)

turnip cakes would inspire legends, i would think.
LEGENDARY GAS EMISSIONS!
( postbear is creepy and old and gross, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:33, archived)

i've heard the tales
faint whisperings in the dark of night, when it was thought to be safe, when no one was supposed to be hearing, but i never suspected that you were the one, whose cake-making craft was known to all creatures from sunny realms to the dark hollows of the world.
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:34, archived)

Arf!
www.b3ta.com/board/6722932
( Tahkcalb &omega;&infin; for sigs, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:40, archived)

this gives no answers

picture this

you're flying, somehow, through the cosmos, propelled by some extra extraordinary thought or something, or some spectacularly delicious dinner, and you reach some point at which gravity precisely cancels itself out, at which light becomes darkness, at which tin cans open themselves with no sharp edges, at which the weight of the knife does the cutting and the pasta is cooked perfectly- every time. and you are greeted through some simple but universal hand signal by a being of incomprehensible wisdom and knowledge, and this cat has got THREE fuckin eyes, and he looks at you and says, "what?"

are you telling me that a freeze frame with credits rolling over it or a conveniently placed laugh-track is going to instantly, miraculously place you back where you'd always wished to be and fulfilled your wishes for some pork lo mein? or maybe chicken, on the outside chance that pigs went extinct since you got in your car?

the lo mein at some places is better than at others.

what do you do then?

what do the unlucky few do when their lo mein isn't as good as they remember the lo mein being the last time they got it, wherever that was. where was that linda? were we at your sister's house that weekend? was that the time? and all your little cousins came with us? god, those little motherfuckers with their portable gaming devices and their constantly beeping hand-held count-down timers.
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:47, archived)

I INSIST YOU BLOG ABOUT THIS, AND OTHER IMPORTANT MATTERS.

( Rapitinui comes in a wrapper of cellophane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:51, archived)

holy shit, blog
i forgot all about that.

that's a long by-gone age, sad to say.

i keep a blog inside my head. it gets erased every one one-thousandth of a second, but i think somebody's reading that shit.
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:56, archived)

It's on tv in Australia.
Channel 10, Wednesdays at 9:30pm
( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 7:01, archived)

hahaha
tune in right now and view in real-pre-recorded time my thoughts on smoking a cigarette outside in the cold.
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 7:16, archived)

What are the haps, my sexy friend?

( Rapitinui comes in a wrapper of cellophane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:13, archived)

the haps... the haps
i'd say a little bit of this and that
not too much of such and such
roundabout the usual i reckon

the haps in your wondrous region?
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:16, archived)

Down there, I need a shave.
 
Otherwise fine.

My only resolution for the new year is to stop trying..

so far so good.
( Rapitinui comes in a wrapper of cellophane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:18, archived)

trying only leads to failure

and shaving, i believe, only leads to horrifying prickly itching. cactus-crotch, i heard a doctor call it.
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:20, archived)

Do, or do not.
 
Also that is why I use scissors.
( Rapitinui comes in a wrapper of cellophane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:21, archived)

ah well a scissoring is not a shaving
more of a trim

a trim i can support
(schnurricane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:23, archived)

i use weasels.

( postbear is creepy and old and gross, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:23, archived)

Christ, I shaved mine a few months ago and got a bunch of ingrown hairs.
Now I use clippers, number 2.
( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:24, archived)

Goon Show?

( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:16, archived)

War memoirs, I think.

( Rapitinui comes in a wrapper of cellophane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:18, archived)

I need to dig out some of his books sometime.

( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:22, archived)

Why, did you bury them?

( Rapitinui comes in a wrapper of cellophane, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:23, archived)

They're priceless in my eyes.
What was I to do?
( gronkpan , a friend, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:26, archived)

i've got room under the floorboards for two more corpses or eighty more books.
time to start using the library, the cemetary, or both.
( postbear is creepy and old and gross, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:26, archived)

Only the brown ones.

( MarkyH feels like the H in Bob Hoskins' name, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 6:19, archived)