After Much Meditation..
http://www.geocities.com/musiqueobscure/crabanal.gif


I have discovered the B3ta Orange Crabs Chakras/.
I have marked the Main Points on the Crab with Anal Sphinctors. (sorry I ran out of Chaktral Points.. ) anyhow as you can see there are many points.. even on their eyes.

Happy Chakras.
(Ix the Wiz, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:24, archived)

I've editted this
'cause we can't use pics on geocities. (they make broken images - for everyone BUT the poster.)
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:27, archived)

Those aren't sphincters!
They're Ferrero Rocher.
(Ernest Thesiger, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 8:42, archived)

Ferrero Rocher
is made out of sphincters.

"monsiurr, wiv zeese shocolat-encroosted sphincters yoo are reely spOIling uz!"
( spacefish portable wetnork graphic, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 8:46, archived)

Vic Reeves on Ferrero Rocher:
"It's like eating sparrows' heads."
(Ernest Thesiger, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 8:53, archived)

has everyone seen
the new Steve Malkmus video:
If not here or here You're in for a treat. Cat band ist fantastic.

better quality
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:22, archived)

I've just emailed Stephen Hawking
requesting an interview. I'm really enjoying this interview thing. It's making me smile.
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:10, archived)

don't forget
quirke.com
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:11, archived)

you want us to interview Pauline Quirke?
hmmm... Ok... I'll put in a request - but don't hold your breath.
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:23, archived)

in the
Sculptress, did they make your hands fat?

That would be a good question.
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:26, archived)

Dear Ms Quirke
Do you sell your used bras..?
(Ix the Wiz, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:32, archived)

er... we'll see
I've fired off an email.
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:32, archived)

You could ask her
How much she gets paid to pretend that washing powder is really groovy? Cuz it's not really, unless you send it to important politico's pretending that it's anthrax!
( Ted, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 7:59, archived)

We see him round Cambridge
From time to time. He is ace, he goes down the middle of the road, and everybody just has to deal with. I had avoid cycling into him one time.
( nicey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:32, archived)

I thought he'd moved to MIT?
That said, he was notorious for running over people's feet when I was there.
(I'd do the same mind)
( chthonic, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:41, archived)

Just to confuse things
MIT is in Cambridge :-)

www.mit.edu
(niggle, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 21:57, archived)

I love the fact that the pope
wrote to him telling him not to mess about with finding out the origins of the universe, 'cause that's God stuff. I want the pope to write to me...
( Wifey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 10:02, archived)

Crabs

( Ted, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:55, archived)

Bloody hell!
The frog is back!
(Ernest Thesiger, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 8:50, archived)

It's the b3ta book


click to see the bigger image
( buttercup, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:32, archived)

yeahhhh! Cal made a picture!
and a fantastic one at that. Can i have a copy of that? My crabs have been getting out of hand recently.
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:36, archived)

ah...
one for my shelf - i think.
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:36, archived)

What is Crab an acronym
for?
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:38, archived)

It stands for
Cisco Router-and-Brdige, a complex device for routing level three packets in silicon.
( buttercup, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:43, archived)

Big deadline due
on web project today. So all office heads out for Bakewell Tarts and cream cakes. Probably go to pub at lunchtime too to de-stress a bit (and get more cakes).
Anyone else hit the cakes when dealines loom ?
(anat0010, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:30, archived)

I love deadlines...
Especially the nice wooshing sound they make as they go whizzing by... I favor the cream horn when things get heavy or a nice donut if it's really bad
( Ted, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:41, archived)

wait wait... a b.i.g deadline... and you're
on here.
Are you me by any chance?
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:56, archived)

I find work
really too scary. But I get a nice warm fuzzy feeling from b3ta (and beer too)
(anat0010, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:00, archived)

me too. aversion therapy.
lets face it, it' what the kids want.
that and beer.
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:27, archived)

procrastination rocks,
and b3ta is a procrastinators paradise.
( spacefish portable wetnork graphic, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 8:08, archived)

Have you worked
out who's fault it is that you've missed it?

You'll be fine if yu have.
(james, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:36, archived)

How do
Hey how do i upload my images?
I have a nice pussy pic for you all to screw around with.
(tylrdiablos, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:14, archived)

there's a good guide
here
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:17, archived)

unhappy
with their christmas gift the children of the damned vented their anger on the orfanage.

( wangolini, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:11, archived)

now you know what you forgot
don't you?

( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:17, archived)

dear mr K
i promise all my festive efforts will feature t' furtive fella in future, i am chastised.
( wangolini, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:24, archived)

Mr K?
Yes... I rather like that... hmmm.
you are forgiven.
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:26, archived)

wangolini - are you Santas little helper?
if not, you should be.
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:38, archived)

i am, im bit tall for the elf suit
(i can send pictures if you like... nah maybe not) and isnt santa just an anagram of satan, so who am i working for...
( wangolini, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:51, archived)

Rob on TV
we just watched the video of him from the other week, at the b3ta hq.
He was very good.

Especially when he basically made a global plea for more marmots on the web. Hoorraah.
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:04, archived)

can you make an mpg of it?
That should be a must-watch for anyone here.
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:11, archived)

We haven't got a video capture card
at the moment... but someone in the office is buying one.... so maybe.
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:15, archived)

It would
be cool..
( Wifey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:16, archived)

Your Questions for Dave Gorman
Right. Dave has just emailed me and agreed to be interviewed. Can you people PLEASE submit some more questions? (I'm really excited about this community interview thing.)

We have so far:

Daddy or chips?
(Nacho)

has he had any cool animals named Dave Gorman?
(AndyK)

What's it like being married to theresa gorman?
(TheWife)

What has he just sat on?
(PeterSeychelles)

how often his food goes down the wrong pipe.
(monkeon)

ask him what time Eastenders is on tonight. I can't remember.
(AndyK)
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:04, archived)

My Question:
What is your most embarrasing sexual experience?
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:09, archived)

Q`s for Dave Gorman
Is Danny Wallace as fickle and dodgy (Harry Potter DVD`s for £5 which were recorded in the local Odean style dodgy) as he looks?
(tylrdiablos, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:12, archived)

do you?
Dave, do you have a DAVE GORMAN cup?(You what i mean, the cheesey one`s for old people/people with no social life, i have 2)
(tylrdiablos, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:14, archived)

i think we should say...
Dave, the Herald said of you:
"Astounding: Fringe innovation ain’t dead."

Do you consider your fringe innovative then?

And have you ever had long hair?
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:15, archived)

ask him
if he shaved one of his sideburns slightly wrong - would he try and match the other one to it or would he leave an unbsymetrical head.
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:16, archived)

and did he really get a tattoo
when he was pissed and what was it of and where is it?
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:17, archived)

ermm...
- how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
- Are you worried by the amount of nutters you've met. And did they all come from the internet?
- I've got the book. When can I get the video?
- Are you the new Tony Hawks?
- Why were you on at the University Union at Leeds every other week when I was a student there?
- Have you found any other Danny Wallaces yet?
- Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:18, archived)

Will he be
the photoshop this / wear this judge every week forever and will he make us an internet clock that works and dances on the hour.
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:26, archived)

I want to know
who are you?
( Wifey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:31, archived)

is that a metaphysical or biographical
question?
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:35, archived)

Both
also what are you made of?
( Wifey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:38, archived)

and is that a metaphysical or meerly physical
question?
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:41, archived)

Both
also where are you.
( Wifey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:51, archived)

WTF!!!!!!
How did you get in my house?
(tylrdiablos, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:34, archived)

ask
what is the craziest thing you have ever eaten for cash?
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:38, archived)

AHHH!
In YOUR opinion, which came the first, the chicken or the egg?
(tylrdiablos, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:39, archived)

favourite joke:
Chicken and Egg - in bed. The Chicken sparks up a cigarette, and the Egg says, "I guess that settles the question of who came first."
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:42, archived)

I'd like to know
If you've ever mashed stuff through a sieve to get the lumps out of it, and what was it?
( nicey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:43, archived)

favourite biscuit?
.
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:44, archived)

Of course
Silly me.
( nicey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:38, archived)

Is this what you look like before make-up?

( chthonic, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:45, archived)

Tell us your favourite joke
I love this question. It's my favourite from The Guardian.
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:46, archived)

Here's mine:
How do you tittilate an ocelot? ... Oscillate its titsalot.
(Ernest Thesiger, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 8:58, archived)

ask
every other question about his eyes and hair until you scare him off.
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:47, archived)

what is it
about his eyes?
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:48, archived)

they aren't human
see above for before he puts his contacts in.

I think the whole 'dave gorman' thing is like the Terminator. Someone called 'dave gorman' does something really good in the future (invents tea that doesn't stew or something) and has to be eliminated now.
Doing this within the structure of a comedy stand-up act is all part of his deep cover.
( chthonic, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:10, archived)

Or maybe they do something really bad
After all, there's only a fine line between stand up comedy and an international manhunt.

Hence George Bush as president.

Maybe Dave can answer this conundrum.
( mrbrong, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:24, archived)

have you ever bought
a rose off one of those guys in leicester square? Do you know someone who has?
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:49, archived)

Ask him
If a tree falls down in an empty forest would he try and find all the other trees that had fallen down in empty forests.
( mrbrong, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:58, archived)

First record bought
(an oldie but a goodie - always intrigues me particularly as mine was so bad).
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:58, archived)

what was yours then?
.
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:01, archived)

I don't know if I should say in
such a public forum...
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:03, archived)

BTW: all these questions are GREAT
I'll see whether anymore turn up in the day - and I'll email him this evening.
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:05, archived)

Q's for Dave Gorman
Do the BBC take ages to pay you as well..?

from Ix the Wiz
(Ix the Wiz, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:24, archived)

of course you should!
Hell, the worst that can happen is that we track you down in real life, follow you round incessantly pointing and laughing until you go insane and are forced to leave the country.
Tell us!
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:23, archived)

aaaaagh.
OK...
Well my first single I bought was Jive Bunny.
I'll get me coat.
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:27, archived)

we'll be right
over... watch yer back.
:)
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:37, archived)

I knew
I shouldn't have let that slip.
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:39, archived)

Ask him if
he like this anagram of his name......Nomad grave
( Ted, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:37, archived)

what about
made ov gran?
go, damn rave!
( spacefish portable wetnork graphic, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 8:34, archived)

who would win?
a silver back gorilla v's a grizzly bear, in the wrestling ring...
(poohpot, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:24, archived)

Did he know
that there's a product which allows him to list all the Dave Gormans who are registered to vote in the UK & their addresses? Could have saved him a lot of time...

www.qas.com/uk/products/nametracer.asp
(Bob, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:41, archived)

How about ...
What's your favourite website? (apart from b3ta)

and

Do you believe in doppelgangers (cos I've met two of mine) and would they be called Namrog Evad.
PS. The Universe completely failed to explode when I touched either of my doppelgangers - I was really disappointed
(illiter8 tw@, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:52, archived)

are
indoor toilets unnatural?
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 6:07, archived)

what would you rather pay to see...
All fights to the death:

Monkey Vs Monkey, Dwarf Vs Dwarf or Monkey Vs Dwarf?
(Sul, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 7:52, archived)

ask also
if you could go back in time and bully yourself at school, what nicknames would you use?
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 7:55, archived)

good
question.
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 8:49, archived)

heres 3
favourite member of the monkees

favourite character in happy days

does he eat vegetables that end in 'nip'?
(agnes o daffodil de montgomery, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 8:03, archived)

my question...
Have you met a Norman Gorman who's job is being a Foreman?

Also do you think rhyming is big/clever/funny?
(Esteban, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 8:07, archived)

Or
Dave Gorman the Doorman?
(tylrdiablos, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 19:05, archived)

Does he constantly do searches for his name on Google?
Just in case a new Dave Gorman has set up shop?
(David, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 9:18, archived)

Questions for Dave Gorman
Do you plan a follow up show?
Perhaps search for people with something else in common with you?
Perhaps a shared date of birth (year included). :)
(Captain Chickenpants, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 9:59, archived)

people who look like him
would be creepy
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 10:04, archived)

Neighbours(again)
Sorry. Put it on the main board by mistake. Again: Know anything about the Neighbours character Dave Gorman?
(ewmy, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 11:04, archived)

Cuttie Williams, The Man, The Machine
Cuttie asks

"As Luton's biggest soul sensation, can I 'keep on
loving you'?

And will you take me for a ride on your magic
roundabout?

And if you've got time, whats your favourite type of
cheese."
(Man In A Suitcase, Wed 5 Dec 2001, 2:25, archived)

Gormanzolla
Do you have a rock drummer name-sake? I am apparently the drummer in the Soft Parade and my brother in Oasis AND Yes.
(tomwhite, Wed 5 Dec 2001, 17:42, archived)

Our Crab movie
Go to NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown.com to check it out. Its got a Mango and some Walnuts in it!
( nicey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 3:06, archived)

fantastic!
And a cameo from everyone's favourite drinking straw creature. woo.
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 3:09, archived)

hoorrah! I just KNEW Cambridge was like that.
and it's good to know they had tea and buscuits even then. And i like the fact that the lady crab has nice nails.

Umm... ok, i know this is odd, but wifey & Nicey... you were in my dream last night. You came round to my house and drew black lines round everything, cartoon stylee. Not just flat things, but 3d things too. It was quite odd.
Oh, and you lived in a castle in Sussex - but i think that has something to do with the Crab blokes castle.

Right, that's me done. I'm off for therapy now.
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:07, archived)

You must be psychic
For we do live in a castle. It's very big and it's made entirely of blancmange...
( Wifey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:29, archived)

are you both also science researchers
working for my dad? I think perhaps i was sleep walking to your house then.

oh lord.
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:02, archived)

That was you?
Sorry I set the dogs on you, I didn't realise...
( Wifey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:14, archived)

that's ok.
It made all the black lines you drew wobble a bit, but i got out just about in time.
You know your castle roof is leaking a bit i think.
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 5:24, archived)

great
it's got garibaldis too. Me hungry now.
( monkeon schmonkeon : twitter.com/ricomonkeon, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:12, archived)

fantastic
simply great. love it. stunning.
( rob twitter.com/robmanuel is following you, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:20, archived)

That is genius
Absolute genius, I tell you
( Stallion_Explosion (formerly known as crab_bloke), Tue 4 Dec 2001, 7:05, archived)

Please tell me I've fallen
for a practical joke. Please.
TurdTwister.
Sometimes I just despair.
( AndyK, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 3:00, archived)

thats
on my christmas wish list
(Man In A Suitcase, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 3:03, archived)

let's just take a minute here

to consider the EZ Grip Sphincter Lok.
( spacefish portable wetnork graphic, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 3:40, archived)

Evil masked kitten bandit...
After struggling with the tutorials and my own incompetence, I managed to pull together MY FIRST FLASH MOVIE!!

It's the coolest thing ever! Just follow the link. Sorry about that, I can't link directly to files or imbed flash. I didn't wanna make it into a gif, either. Lookie lookie!
(Kimbo has farted., Tue 4 Dec 2001, 0:28, archived)

the thing i like best
is the way the doggy never seems to mind.

nice one! your movie will bring peace and happiness to all the children of the world this christmas!
( spacefish portable wetnork graphic, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 3:32, archived)

It's not that he didn't mind..
He just didn't have time to react. That, my friend, is the way of kung fu.
(Kimbo has farted., Tue 4 Dec 2001, 16:22, archived)

I saw this
and thought "Cripes, those are weird hair extensions"

but it just turned out to be a wreath on the back wall.
(Ernest Thesiger, Mon 3 Dec 2001, 21:13, archived)

Hmmm... nice boufon...
ROFL
(eViLegion is a cunt, so please don't be surprised., Mon 3 Dec 2001, 21:16, archived)

i thought she was upside
down.
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 3:52, archived)

fwd: Plasma powered planetary destruction handspring module
We at handspring would like to inform you of our latest scientific achievement in the field of handspring modules. Our top scientists have worked diligently around the clock in the fusion chamber reactor laboratory. After hours of intense study and trial and error (which resulted in the loss of many scientists) the module enhancement team at handspring were able allow just enough plasma to be created in a small enough chamber to create the long anticipated “Plasma powered planetary destruction handspring module” or the P3D. Unsightly planets in the way of you view of the sun during night? The P3D module can get rid of that problem with the contact of a stylus. The P3D is a multifunction handspring module that is capable of all of the following: trimming your turkey, arc welding, fine tuning a musical instrument, transportation (example: if you destroy the planet you are on, you ‘transport’ yourself, in affect, from the planet), and making photo copies. Warning: performing any of the above tasks with the P3D will introduce a high probability of destroying the planet you are currently on. We at handspring believe that you will find yourself 100% satisfied with the plasma powered planetary destruction handspring module. However, if you find yourself unhappy with the slight side affects the module outputs, you may return it for full credit within 30 days from shipment as long as it is in good condition. To arrange for a return, please call Handspring's Customer Care Center at 1 (888) 565-9393 6am to 6pm Pacific Standard Time Monday through Friday and 9am to 1pm Saturday. Please be sure to have your credit card available when you call. Custom cases may not be returned except in the case of manufacturer's defect or order fulfillment error. Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter and we hope that you consider the P3D for your Christmas list this year.

Happy holidays,
The handspring module enhancement team
(he, Mon 3 Dec 2001, 20:11, archived)

Handy (if you'll excuse the pun)...
That sounds like an ideal present for my 370 year old baby-daughter, Jim. BUT, can it succesfully juggle over 9 chunks of processed cheese, whilst conducting a small church choir?
(eViLegion is a cunt, so please don't be surprised., Mon 3 Dec 2001, 21:15, archived)

My first fillum
Crabs gettin' crunk.
(Ernest Thesiger, Mon 3 Dec 2001, 19:41, archived)

Oop, one more time.
Crabs gettin' crunk.
(Ernest Thesiger, Mon 3 Dec 2001, 19:48, archived)

Take three! Fer frig's sake!
Crustacean homies.
(Ernest Thesiger, Mon 3 Dec 2001, 19:50, archived)

Heh..
It was coo. You're not alone in the what-the-fuck-I-spent-hours-on-this-friggin-file group.
(Kimbo has farted., Mon 3 Dec 2001, 23:20, archived)

Fantastic!
One of my favoutite bands too.
( Wifey, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 2:51, archived)

they be gettin down
with no delay. excellent!
( spacefish portable wetnork graphic, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 3:24, archived)

c'mon - it's great
always good to get down wit da crab homies. I will comply right away.
( pep, Tue 4 Dec 2001, 4:01, archived)