NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 109: "WE *HEART* SIMON COWELL"
This Week:
* SURVEY - Wanking results in
* ANIM - Saxpohone meerkat
* EVIL - Simon Cowell is Satan
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web ... together"
B3ta email 109 - 17 Oct 2003
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue109/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Saxophonist meerkat of woo <<
Nacho has been expanding on the animal band
theme with a nicely detailed animation to
the cut'n'paste version of The Cure's Close
To Me. Our favourite bit is the meerkat
saxophonist and the trumpeting squirrel
trading jazz licks. Nice...
http://www.snakemountain.co.uk/delgazeebo.htm
>>Simon Cowell is Satan <<
Many have theorised that Cowell is the
Antichrist, but who needs hyperbole when
you have the monumental Truth. Blimey. Is
that Simon having bumsex with Will?
We'd better have a look, hadn't we? Warning:
this isn't safe for work.
http://www2.b3ta.com/popidle/
>> Wanking survey: Results in <<
Remember the masturbation quiz we asked you
to fill in? Well, you were all very good little
girls and boys and we've got the results back.
Hmmm. Some of you not so good eh? One in five
of you have masturbated whist thinking of
a family member eh? Right. It's off to bed
with the lot of you. And no tuck from Matron
either. 5 points to Slytherin Kieren for
dobbing in his chums.
http://www.playwithyourself.co.uk/game/html/mdb/gi...
>> Weebl back on the drink <<
Jonti's Weebl animations have recently become
more and more odd.. This one is about watching
TV. Jonti doesn't own a TV so he's attempted to
imagine it. A success.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/tv.htm
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Celeb birthday web stunt <<
Phil will be 35 next month. He's inviting
35 celebs to attend his birthday. They haven't
replied to his emails. Can you help? What a
wicked idea! Delegate your actual stalking
to a web community. Smart. Or the chap might
just work in advertising. One or t'other.
http://www.35forphil.com/index.htm
>> Nice web vid <<
Some web vids are clunky but funny. Some
web vids are smooth and charming. This is the
latter. Features a dead dog tho. So it can't
all be bad.
http://www.omvf.net/doorsteps.html
>> Crap plastic surgery <<
Oi! Lady mags! Let us write your web column.
We'd stick in lots of sites like this fantastic
blog where they compare before and
after shots of celebrity plastic surgery. Oh,
and the copy! The copy is wonderful: "Victoria
Beckham has one of the worst-looking breast
implant jobs in the celebrity world. They
look like the halves of a cantaloupe stuffed
into her chest."
http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/
>> Fear of Popes <<
Did you know you could fear popes? We did.
We were scared that if we asked the monks
to stop playing with our winkies that the
Pope would make the kittens die. Thank Christ
our papaphobia can be treated and cured.
(With the miracle of giving these people money.)
http://snurl.com/2pey
>> Dangerous microwave experiments <<
Bored this weekend? Read this detailed and
texty list of experiments with your microwave.
Don't blame us if you melt your hands. We are
the bullet shop, not the foolish child. Jeez.
http://www.eskimo.com/~billb/weird/microexp.html
>> Cum vs. moisturizer. Tested <<
A lovely little page debunking the myth that
daddy's chicken broth makes for a great face cream.
With the man's poor girlfriend taking a full
application of her scientific duties too. What some
women put up with, eh? Men. Pah.
http://www.viceland.com/issues/v10n8/htdocs/cum.ph...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Budget Cuts' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted to see things that had
had their budgets brutally slashed:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/budgetcuts/
We asked b3ta boarder 'Mystery Bob' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Mystery Bob writes -
#1 "Who Wants to Win a King Size Twix? - The idea
of playing for sweets appeals to me greatly. I'm
certain I would use all my lifelines to protect
my drumstick lolly if I was to play. (xeron)
http://b3ta.com/board/2125643
#2 "Tesco Value Tattoo - In a glut of many, many
'Tesco Value' entries it was going to take something
special to stand out from the crowd. Not only that,
but I want one _now_. (VampireMonkeyOnSpeed)
http://b3ta.com/board/2132227
#3 "Steve McQueen - Beautifully photoshopped and
made me giggle like a loon. I think it's the
stabilisers that do it." (More tea vicar?)
http://b3ta.com/board/2130835
"The obligatory special mention has to go to this
by 100% of Gibbon... mainly because I once saw an
episode where a 'wacky' student really did bring
a Pot Noodle and a beer. I'd like to see what they
do with the kitten though."
http://b3ta.com/board/2141849
>> This Weeks Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator dropped in again
to give us the suggestion, "Local News Stories"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/localnews/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SCOTT ADAMS DILBERT 9/11 THING REAL - the
artist writes, "It's a true coincidence. The
comic was done several years before 9/11
and was randomly reprinted in the calendar."
So there you go. Stuff mentioned, stuff solved.
A bit like Crimewatch. Yay. Bagsie doing the
"Sleep tight" bit at the end.
* MONKEYS FOUGHT THE KITTENS - the monkeys put
up a brave fight in 2001 and conceded
gracefully to kittens for the rest of the
decade. And there was enough kitteny goodness
to go round for everyone.
* MILLIONS OF STUPID NAMES WERE SENT IN - we
were staggered. But enough already. We'll
write up a little page about them for next
week. If you're good.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* LEGALISATION of FILESHARING - swapping
TV & music on-line rocks. Make it legal. Rah.
Rah. Rah.
* ABOLITION OF CDs UNREADABLE BY PCs - we want
to copy our music onto our computers and iPods.
This is fair use.
* KITTENS FOR EVERYONE - sing with us, "The
Kitten bus is coming. And everyone is
jumping. New York to San Francisco.
It's a kitten city disco." Hosanna.
This is our Manifesto. Vote for us. B3ta will
be taking a seat in Parliament as soon as
our mum lets us.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel
with David Stevenson.
Top Tip from Workboresme.
Links sent in by you. You and you. And you
and you and yououou. Also by Jenny R, Steve S,
Oystergumbo, Valerie, chapman, Steve Storey
and EvS.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the dark overlords of b4ta. (70555)
Sleep tight.
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TOP TIP:
When leaving the pub, suck on a copper
penny for 10-15 seconds. If you get pulled over,
demand a breathalyser test. The copper in the
penny counteracts the alcohol reading giving
you a negative test. We have no idea if our
readers lie to us about these tips. Test it
and find out.
