NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 116: "SOD WORK. READ OUR CHRISTMAS SPECIAL"
This Week:
* WEEBL - Bonjour Monsieur
* CALENDAR - Naked MPs
* GAME - Shuffle the Penguin
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 116 - 19 Dec 2003
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue116/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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This is the final newsletter of 2003. And it's
a bloody good one. It's packed with links to
keep you busy over the break. And if you get
bored? Make us something cool for the next
issue on Jan 9th 2004. Enough babble, here's
the good stuff:
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
French, Naked MPs, Specs, Monkeys
>> Bonjour monsieur <<
Jonti's star is rising by the second. First
there was Weebl and Bob, then Badgers took
over the world, and now? A French-influenced
bit of brightly coloured europop. We
particularly like the way Jonti has reduced the
the art of song-writing to the repetition of
one word. We throw the word genius at him and
he just shrugs and mutters.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/26/
>> Naked MP calendar <<
Want to know what's happening inside the House
of Commons this afternoon? All the MPs are
going, "Fucking hell. Have you seen that naked
MP calendar on the web? They've made old
Prescott look like a right twat. And Portillo.
I didn't realise he was a bottom." Thank sickboy
for this bit of aceness.
http://www.sigsy.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/calendar/
>> Spectacle quiz <<
Think you know your glasses? Then put it to
the test with Dr. A's update of Rob Manuel's
Name That Beard format. Dr. A writes, "Despite
the mild spoofing of Sale of the Century, I
have carefully avoided any references to Nicholas
Parsons regardless of the inherent comedy value.
This is because he was rude to one of my friends
when he was little. Cunt."
http://ashen.purplepixie.org/ashen/cartoon/specs.h...
>> Johnny Cash tribute <<
In 2003 we said goodbye to the boy named Sue,
Mr Johnny Cash. Santexo pays tribute in the only
way he can: with monkeys. Oddly touching,
especially towards the end. Much like our
Uncle Clarence.
http://www.apsv04.dsl.pipex.com/desperado.html
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: B3TA RADIO
Best tunes of 2003
On this week's B3ta Radio we'll playing the
best tunes made by b3ta people this year.
Also we're doing a Top 25 links thingie.
It's going to rock. Tune in.
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
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: HAVE A B3TA CHRISTMAS
Skip this bit if you're bored of seasonal stuff.
B3TA people have been making fuckloads of
Christmas themed material this week. Here are
our favourites.
>> Penguin game <<
"I've built a game," writes Paul, "called Shuffle
the Penguin. Just get as many penguins down the
hole in a row to get a high score." Woo. This
is a class bit of work. We don't deserve it.
http://playerthree.net/shuffle.php
>> Alternative Nativity <<
"I made an alternative to the school nativity
play," says Matt, "you know, the one we were
all made to act in at school... (I was a sheep
once)." Yay. Nice pay off on this one.
http://www.webroo.org/xmas/nativity.htm
>> Worst Christmas song medley <<
Think you know how bad Xmas songs are? Thank God
you don't live in Phil Price's head where they
loop for all eternity while small pigs jig like
broken clockwork toys.
http://www.philprice.net/flash/xmasbonanza/
>> Kittens on crucifixes <<
"Weeeee!", screams Joel, "I've made an
offensive-to-christians rock'n'roll Christmas
card thingy!" On pointing out to Joel that
Jesus was actually crucified at Easter he said,
"I quite like the way it's seasonally
inappropriate. What's Christmas all about
after all, if not rock music and crucified
Godchild kittens?" Yes, quite.
http://www.rathergood.com/christmas/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Marketing errors <<
We all heard the recent story of Sharwoods'
campaign to brand its sauce as Punjabi word for
"arse". This site collects the best of similar
gaffes over recent years. It's gold we tell you.
If you don't love the fact that in Chinese,
the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin'
good" came out as "eat your fingers off" then
frankly you're a big poo.
http://www.i18nguy.com/translations.html
>> Star Trek wedding <<
Girls! What did you dream of when you were
a child? Growing up and marrying a Klingon
on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise?
In Vegas everything is possible. BTW: We
would LOVE to see more photos of this
wedding. Can anyone help?
http://www.vegas.com/weddings/hotelchapels/lvhilto...
>> Blobby woo game <<
Describing games is tough. Normally we resort
to the simple trick of "it's Tetris meets
Eastenders. Dirty Den plays a mean L shaped
block with a grudge..." But for this we're lost
for words. All we know is that it's blobby,
it's wooey and it's a whole damn multiplayer
bang-bus of of fun.
http://www.globulos.com/
>> Naked chick body-paint party <<
"I've found this site with loads of ladies
having airbrush fun and I'm fascinated,"
writes Ali, "I want to go to this magic place and
be painted myself!" So do we Ali. So do we.
http://www.bigeasychoppers.com/festival2.html
>> Caravanners Are People Too <<
"We are launching a campaign to secure equality
and respect for caravanners", writes Bobanddenise,
"We are sick of the envy and jealousy that plagues
the caravanning community and we are fighting back."
Ok this is all a put-on, but we sound several
laughs here. Expect to see this winding up
the gullible for months to come.
http://www.bobanddenise.co.uk/index.htm
>> A policeman with a sense of humour <<
This site asks you to fill in a form if you've
committed a crime and wait for the police to
come and arrest you. Fair enough we thought.
Someone has made a funny form. But no. This
is actually on a real police website. Ok -
they are having a laugh but it's all a bit odd
isn't it? Policemen aren't meant to be endearing.
http://www.eastpointpolice.org/SelfArrestForm.htm
>> Windows 1.0 <<
Windows. Like it or lump it most of us are
stuck with it on a daily basis. But you
probably haven't ever seen the first version
from back in 1985. It's like seeing photos
of Hitler as a baby.
http://snipurl.com/3hk2
>> German toilets <<
Can anyone tell us why German toilets have
a shit plate that catches the turds? We're
curious. We know we've got lots of German
readers. Tell us why Germany is the best
place to crap in Europe and we'll stick the
best answer in the next issue.
http://www.spies.com/~scott/misc/toilet.htm
>> Don't buy kids CDs <<
What do kids want for Xmas? Apparently
not the latest CDs. They've already got
the MP3. This site advises the kids to take
back their unwanted CDs and buy a spindle of
blank disks. Huzzah.
http://www.whatacrappypresent.com/
>> Trim your boy quim <<
Ladies have been removing their pant moustaches
since the 70s. Now it's the boys' turn. Jesus
Christ - if we didn't have enough to worry
about already. We've gotta keep our pubes in
check too? Fuck the 21st Century, we're off to
live on a lesbian art collective in Holland.
http://www.balltrimmer.com
>> Undramatic PC Experiment <<
What happens if you pour a litre of Diet Coke
on your PC? It short-circuits and blows your
mains. This is not a surprise. But the
stupidity and pointlessness of this exercise
put a big gay grin on our faces.
http://forums.hexus.net/showthread.php
>> When schoolkids make Flash <<
"Check out these student Flash music videos
created for Mr. Moyers' class at Notre Dame
Catholic High School in Fairfield, Connecticut,
USA!" intones Kevin Siu, "They're like a
pre-school version of B3TA. I bet they have no
idea how awesome they are. This one with robots
is amazing."
http://www.notredame.org/media/flash/crisci.swf
"All are brilliant, if you've got a bit of
time then check them out."
http://www.notredame.org/Pages/gallery/flashmusic....
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: B3TA JOB CLUB
Review porn sites for cash
"Hello B3TA people.", writes Mr Info, "Thought
you might be able to help me find a bunch of
wankers. I'm looking for people willing to
review porn sites."
Blimey. We don't normally take requests like
this but we thought we've probably got some
readers who would quite enjoy this. So if
you get the job - tell us how you get on.
http://www.selfloversguide.com/index.php
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the National Suicide Week Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted promotional material for
National Suicide Week:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/suicide/
We forgot to ask anyone to judge this week's
challenge, so here are our favourite entries:
#1 "In case of suicide - Quick, dirty and made
us laugh. What more do you need? (Citizen Loz)
http://b3ta.com/board/2487703
#2 "Coleman Landslide - Manic's political slant
never lets up, and here he's certainly got
a point. (Manic)
http://b3ta.com/board/2482463
#3 "Novel Methods #2 - Deeply silly and lovingly
animated. We want a whole series of these on
TV now. Pretty please." (Amaryllis)
http://b3ta.com/board/2501657
Special Mentions: Monkeon's bus service to
"Enditall" is genius, and PGMT's T-Shirt is
one we'll be wearing this christmas:
http://b3ta.com/board/2513896
http://b3ta.com/board/2493217
>> This Weeks Challenge <<
This week, we're feeling all christmassy and
are making christmas cards.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/christmascards/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FEMALEORSHEMALE TV - Did you catch the media
hoo-hah over the "Something About Miriam" show,
where punters had to compete to win the
affections of a beautiful young model?
Obviously what they didn't say was Miriam
had a cock. Also what they didn't say was
that over 100 million of you have already
seen Miriam when she starred in our Female
or Shemale quiz. Compare the 3rd photo down
on the right with the picture in the Guardian.
Same er.. bloke. Oh and if you really want
to scare yourself then type victoria129 into
Google Images...
http://www2.b3ta.com/femaleorshemale/
http://media.guardian.co.uk/broadcast/story/0,7493...
* GUARDIAN BRITISH BLOG AWARD - we were
pleased to see B3TA's Santexo pick up an
award in the Best Design category. Go
Santexo. We want to see more monkeys.
http://www.thebigsmoker.co.uk/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BIG GAY ROBOTS - that bum rape for Xmas.
* LESBIAN SOCKS - you know what we mean.
* AN EXTRA HAND - our right one is busy...
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
little David Stevenson
Links sent in by Jason Brown, Ali Gothard,
fredthehat, Sharruma, ChaosTime, Paul Somewhere
in 'effing Germany, Blogdex, pkillian,
Joshua Waller and Kevin Siu.
Top Tippery by Dutchbird
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry
Board research by Fnord
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder
Proofing by the mossy b4ta posse (72514)
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TOP TIP:
Having difficulty opening a bottle of champagne?
Try holding the cork and twisting the bottle.
Much easier.
