NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 130: "EASTER SPECIAL"
This Week:
* ANIM - NSFW work of genius
* ACTIVITIES - not to do over Easter
* DILDOS - Dragon cock action
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're sucking dragon
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cocks... together"
B3ta email 130 - 9 Apr 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue130/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Rage, Sofas, Ghosts & Bombs
>> Work of genius <<
Koit has been knocking about our boards for
a while now - working on his songs and Traffic
light animations. But with this one bit of work
he's managed to capture our imaginations and take
us with him into his special world by the power
of sheer spasmoid tomfoolery. Warning: not safe
for work.
http://www.distaste.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/fc.html
>> Down the back of the sofa <<
"Here's something my flatmates and I put
together one Sunday evening." writes
Social_Pariah. "It involves the time-honoured
conundrum as to what is truly down the back
of people's sofas." Jesus Christ, what a
bunch of scumbags! Ladies - these men are
yet unmarried, so get queuing. But bring
your duster.
http://www.geocities.com/social_pariah2003/index.h...
>> Little old lady vs. the ghosts <<
Mr Mantlepies is quite clearly a freak. He
won't allow you to use his toilet when you
visit and insists you use the local pub. We
imagine. Welcome to his strange world. "It's
like 'The Others'" he boasts, "but with a
bit more graffiti."
http://www.mantlepies.com/predictable.html
>> New York girl in Baghdad <<
We like Bobby Z. He has a rare gift for
creating an epic on a shoestring. Here's
another of his black-and-white dithered
rock videos. This one has guns.
http://www.alien-zoo.com/newyorkgirl.html
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: BOOK OF THE MONTH
Dad's in Prison
"One of my kids picked this book up at the
library," Karen Knox, "and I happily started
to read it before I realized what it was. How
sad is the world we live in where being in
prison is common enough to have a children's
book about it? Sheesh!" It's appalling, Karen.
We'd suggest going on a dirty protest.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/071365094...
BTW: Found any unusual treats at Amazon? Email
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ and we'll share it with
the world.
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: B3TA RADIO
Inventions you're too lazy to make
This week on B3ta Radio we had Wayne Hussey
booked in for a chat and a couple of songs.
Sadly he cancelled but rescheduled for the 23rd.
So we're celebrating our Black Easter without
the King of Goth.
But the show's going to be fantabulous anyway,
with loads of gothy music and the results of a
rather enjoyable question of the week.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/inventions_youre_too...
You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
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: STUFF NOT TO DO OVER THE EASTER WEEKEND
Unless you're bored or suicidal
>> Build a bottle bomb <<
Kids - never mix chlorine and alcohol in a
bottle and shake it up for kicks. This is what
happens. One of the best videos we've ever seen.
The comic timing is masterful.
http://snipurl.com/5lv5
>> Go wok-boarding <<
Got an industrial size wok cluttering up the
place? Why not take it to an airport and sledge
it down the travelators? Looks dangerous, but
surprisingly low in fat. We think they missed
a trick in not using the lid as a hat.
http://www.chiseen.com/vidshare/md/wok_boarding.ht...
>> Fire matchstick rockets <<
Tin foil left over from your brain hat? Defend
yourself from tiny aliens with matchstick
rockets. Instructions here:
http://www.matchstickrockets.com/
>> Construct a USB turd <<
What can't you attach to your USB port these
days? You can get coffee warmers, toothbrushes,
mobile phone chargers and pathetic disco lights.
If you're keen on the latter, then you'll like
these step-by-step instructions on how to
build an ambient USB shit-light.
http://www.emanator.demon.co.uk/bigclive/usbshit.h...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Soundrec masterpiece <<
Staggered we were. There's minimalism and then
there's being retarded. This is like Womble art,
making a masterpiece out of things everyday
folks leave behind. Soundrec is a much-unloved
sound recording application that came free
with Windows 98.
http://mirrored.flabber.nl/winnoise/
>> A Break in the Road <<
This is a really clever twist on online music
mixers. It's been re-imagined as a game where
have to record the sounds of city life, make a
track up and play it in a club. Extraordinarily
clever stuff.
http://www.lukewhittaker.co.uk/breakintheroad
>> Fantastic face editor <<
No shortage of 'muck up a face' tools on the web,
but we've never seen a finer example. With a
bit of tinkering you can make your own authentic-
looking freaks of nature. If only you could upload
your own pictures, we think we might explode from
sheer delight.
http://www.morphases.com/editor
>> Worst voice-over artist in the world <<
Kelvin Cheema is an actor, a man of man parts.
His particular talent is that he's utterly shit
at accents. Check out the cockney one. If BBC
producers had the guts to employ him, their
ratings would go through the roof.
http://www.kelvincheema.com/index2.htm
>> 'Fallen rappers' Pez <<
They took a bullet for hip-hop. Surely they
should be immortalised in Pez-dispensing form.
At least, so thinks this amateur product
designer. We admire his chutzpah in approaching
the confectionary giant, whose target audience
is three to six-year-olds.
http://www.centennialsociety.com/pez.html
>> Square wheels <<
The Flintstones had square wheels. Now, thanks
to modern science, so do we. Lovely smooth
ride with flat wheels. Only problem - you need
corrugated tarmac.
http://www.sciencenews.org/articles/20040403/matht...
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: EASTER GIFTS
For the err... special bunny in your life
>> Dragon cock <<
Like Dungeons & Dragons? Like putting things
up your bum? With this handy fellow, you'll be
happy as a man with two cocks. Because one of
them will be a dragon's. $80 to you, sirrah.
The vibrating dragon egg is $20 extra.
http://www.zoofur.com/dragon.html
>> Fake blob kit <<
Trannies! Think it's not enough to wear size 10
stilettos, wax your chest and tuck your cock
between your legs? A fake rubber vagina not far
enough? Feel like a real woman, with synthetic
menses. Woo. We've ordered a gallon, to re-enact
Carrie at the local Evans's.
http://www.rosesturn.net/mkit.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE #1
Results from the Conjoined Products
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Two weeks ago we wanted products to beat the
frankly mind-boggling "Spepper" featured a
while ago in this very newsletter.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/gloots/
We asked B3ta boarder 'pollollups' to judge the
entries - here are her 3 faves.
Pollollups writes -
#1 "Photo Gunge Booth - worth it for the sheer
amount of detail. The passport is priceless.
(monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/2979977
#2 "Bird Greeder - Eww... but so compelling.
Not sure I actually want one though. (Ishani)
http://b3ta.com/board/2966682
#3 "Slimplast - quickly chopped together and the
funnier for it, this product would sell in the
millions." (Random Warrior)
http://b3ta.com/board/2972641
"Finally Zineboy needs a special mention after
creating 'Spasda' to sell his ideas to the
gullible."
http://www.johnfanzine.com/spasda/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Guide horses
Some people have no shame. They are stealing
blind people's guide dogs and swapping them
for tiny horses. Can't argue they aren't
cute, though. Especially all tucked up in bed
with a middle-aged man.
http://www.guidehorse.com/horses_house.htm
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE #2
Special Olympics Challenges
Last week we wanted better events for the
Special Olympics:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/specialolympics/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Sheep!' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Sheep! writes -
#1 "Downhill for the blind - The ever faithful
dog's expression makes this one, plus some
great shoppage. (geetoo)
http://b3ta.com/board/2986525
#2 "Special Olympics Halted by Suicide Bomber -
An offensive b3ta piccy compo? Make it more
offensive just for good measure. Lovely. (Idid)
http://b3ta.com/board/3004687
#3 "Incontinent Backstroke - Subtle and well
executed....... and that's a lot of wee wee."
(Carlos The Badger)
http://b3ta.com/board/2987138
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the challenge dictator gave us
the suggestion, "Pointless DVD Extras"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/dvdextras/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BUSH WEB BLUNDER FAREWELL - The Sloganator
was a feature of GW's reelection campaign
that allowed you to individualise Bush
posters with you own slogans. It was
subverted on a massive scale, someone noticed
and shut it down. This short collects some
of the best as a farewell tribute.
http://revbilly.com/revsite/sloganator1/sloganator...
* HAYFEVER GAME - A couple of weeks ago we
asked you for a game base on our seasonal
rhinitis woes. Imagine our delight, when
MakTheYak contacted us with this
beautifully-realised creation, based on
our suggestion.
http://www.theyakshack.co.uk/index.php
* GOADING THE DEAF - A while back we were
after ways to easily insult the deaf. "Make
a thumbs up sign with your right hand,"
replied Martin Lewis. "Place your right hand
on the left palm. Waggle right hand as if
using a Kempston joystick or some such."
Apparently, this has just told your deaf
companion that he's gay. Not that there's
anything wrong with that. We for one welcome
our new deaf gay overlords.
* BRIEFCASE CORNER - Last week's briefcase
train set feature prompted reader Simon
Jones to dig about in his attic. he came
back to use with this gem: A briefcase
that converts into record decks. Phat!
http://tinyurl.com/2swnc
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* FAIRY SWATTING - made into a game that's
as fun as it is in reality.
* KITTEN-B-GONE - Who will rid us of these
turbulent kittens? Surely modern science
can come up with some sort of space-bleach?
* DALEY THOMSON'S LACTATHLON - You are a baby.
Waggle the joystick to stimulate the UK
Olympic hero's milk ducts.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Patrick, Atomic-pigeon,
Tim Collins, Fiscal, Cyril Spawned A Monster,
Tony Howat, el Pollo Diablo, Thickey,
Gwilym Webb, stymtex and Friendlygiant101.
Top Tippery by Dave.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge led by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the burlap b4ta bum eggs.
(74268)
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TOP TIP:
If you're poaching an egg, an idea is to add a
little vinegar to the water. This helps the
egg white retain cohesion and produce a more
aesthetically pleasing lunchtime snack.
