NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 141: "ARE YOU GAY?"
This Week:
* ANIM - Have you done your webxercise?
* DANCE - Roger Moore eyebrow sensation
* WANKING - It's only bad if you do it wrong
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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b3ta email 141 - 25 Jun 2004
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Exercises, Gay Test, Roger Moore & Autism
>> Have you done your webxercise? <<
Your ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel and his mates
from Y.O.B. are concerned that b3ta readers
are getting fat from sitting at your PCs all
day. So we've worked out a series of exercises
you can do in the office. Rob writes, "I'm
more amused that Y.O.B. agreed to record
my 'lyrics' really." Watch it. If only for
the bit with Rolf Harris and the monkey.
http://www.youthofbritain.com/webxercise/
>> Are you gay? <<
We get letters daily from people concerned
about their sexuality, "Dear b3ta - I'm
concerned that that I have become teh gay",
they write, "have you got a handy test to
determine my sexual orientation?" Thanks
to Balphaus for this amusing update on
an old theme.
http://www.snackfoam.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/gaytest1...
>> Roger Moore eyebrow dance <<
Stuff the critics. Roger Moore was the best
Bond. Way betterer than that Scottish twat
in a porn skirt. Celebrate his genius by
watching his eye brows dance to the tune
from Tony Hart's gallery. Whoopy woo.
http://www.hazza316.co.uk/roger.html
>> 1000 drawings autism challenge <<
"This week I drew 1000 characters", mumbles
James Downing, "all with names." Gosh. There
is a lot to explore here. Most of it suggesting
that the artist is having a breakdown.
http://lecosmonaute.ca/1000/
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: GOOD AND BAD
Stuff this week which is er.. good or bad
>> GOOD: BBC opens web archive of film clips <<
Hundreds of shorts of sleepy penguins
and lions shagging. Ok, they're watermarked,
but you can work around that. Get creative.
Your internet needs you.
>> GOOD: England knocked out of Euro 2004 <<
We only want Beckham on the front pages of
our tabloids when he's fucking some posh
totty.
>> GOOD: Rain forecast for Glastonbury <<
First year in ages that the hay-fever
sufferers will have a good time.
>> GOOD: Joss Whedon's Serenity April release <<
Please please please show us the Reavers.
And if you want the geeks to lap this
stuff up? Expand the Blue Sun / Microsoft Evil
parallel.
>> BAD: Beastie Boys CD installs virus <<
For fuck's sake. Are the record companies
trying to alienate the few people who still
buy CDs?
>> BAD: Deleted Kraftwerk on AllofMP3 <<
It's better to imagine greatness than
to experience mediocrity. Trust us.
>> BAD: New BBC Radio Hitchhikers <<
Pointless. If the writers think up new stuff
they'll alienate the core fans. Stick to
the weaker material of the later books? They'll
create dull radio.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Squash, Weebl, Slang, Alphabets and stupid game
>> Butternut Squash must die <<
The butternut squash is the shittest of
all the vegetables. It's bland and makes
pathetic soup. Find out what Ben Wheatley
thinks of the Helen Keller of the garden.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/squash.html
>> Weebl goes to Ikea II <<
Jonti has followed up his trip to Ikea with
the second part of the story. Apparently
there's a third coming. It's like a prog rock
concept album. With small stupid egg-like beings.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/pikea2.htm
>> Do you know your street slang? <<
"Hey b3ta," trills Casey, "Through the powers
of drunkenness, I bring you Dope or Whack:
A well-phat quiz to test your knowledge
of urban slang." Just between you and us, we
needed to look up much of the language on
urbandictionary.com to have a hope in hell
of playing this quiz.
http://caseyporn.com/dope_or_wack/
>> Evil Alphabet <<
Koit continues his theme of re-working kids'
songs for the purposes of evil. We're
becoming increasingly disturbed by him, to be
honest. Using Google to find pictures of
dead animals is kinda wrong isn't it?
http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/alphabet.html
>> Game for the stupid <<
Blimey. Koit has been a busy boy this week.
This is a game er... that's a bit stupid.
Can't say too much about it without ruining
it.
http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/game.html
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: B3TA RADIO
Last show for the summer
We're taking a break from b3ta radio for a
while. It's been an educational, ooh, nearly
a year for us and frankly we're knackered.
So enjoy this today show, and big gay thanks
to Resonance FM and the lovely, bearded
station controller Knut for having us.
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Douglas Adams is alive <<
Douglas is truly the Tupac of comedy -
recording work for the previously-mentioned
radio show before he died. Now we suspect
he might not even be dead. Mysteriously
his SETI screensaver is still looking for
aliens. Ok, it's probably just some fan
pissing about but it gave us a chill.
http://snipurl.com/7bwk
>> Only gay in the village <<
BBC's break-out comedy hit of last year was
Little Britain. If you're foreign and haven't
caught it yet - a great place to be
introduced is via this amusing little
Flash anim, setting some of the dialogue to
a jazz track. Watch it. Then dig about
on a filesharing app of your choice to
download the series.
http://www.philipcrammond.com/david/
>> Bad wanking <<
Did you know that there was good wanking
and bad wanking? Good is to lay on your back
and pound your chipolata with your fist.
Bad wanking is to lay on your front and
fuck the pillow. Apparently it puts
unnecessary stress on your cock, creating
all sorts of sexual disorders. Wonder
what it would say about our wank-style
of pushing our bell-end into our belly
button and tugging manfully on our balls?
http://www.healthystrokes.com/
>> Europe's worst interiors <<
Check out some extraordinary style disasters
from the 1970s. It's been a popular link
this week, and we suspect the styles would
have been equally bizarre to the average
housewife of the time.
http://w1.461.telia.com/~u46103335/euro.html
>> Kiss sings Firestarter <<
Gene Simmons is quite a guy. His tongue
can almost reach (and lick) his own nipple
and he can afford to stick pretty ladies
in his videos. Quite what possessed him
to cover The Prodigy's Firestarter is
a mystery. It's like Clive Dunn going
baggy.
http://genesimmons.webcosites.com/firestarter/fire...
>> Pet food complaints <<
Iams is that posho pet food which costs way
more than Kit-e-kat but doesn't make Tiddles's
teeth rot. What's wrong with flossing your
kitten after every meal, we don't know.
Anyway, they've compiled a list of queries
from their 0800 customer care line. Gems
that made us grin include, "What's up with my
cat? She looks at me strangely when I sing and
dance for her" and "I can smell my cat's urine
and tell what cat food brand she's eating.
Can you use this talent at Iams?"
http://www.petpublishing.com/catkit/news/iams01.sh...
>> GPS Drawing <<
Strange and fantastical line art created by
tracking vehicles and plotting their position
on paper using magic science. If only they'd
draw a cock on the north pole spunking goo
spunk on the west. For then - our friends -
we'd truly have peace in our time.
http://www.gpsdrawing.com/gallery.htm
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: BIT TORRENT TV
Stuff we've watched this week
Nothing makes the staff of B3ta Towers happier
than sprawling in bed watching downloaded
telly on our laptop.
We remember sitting in pretty interesting
meetings with consultants who told us, "TV
will never work on the web. Computers are a
sit-forward mechanism. People's bodies are
positioned to interact."
True in an office environment maybe - but they
forgot about the home use of laptops.
So here's some of the stuff we've caught
recently:
>> Threads <<
The 1980s were fucking terrifying. Kids
believed that we weren't going to reach
the 21st century, with either an Aids
plague or nuclear Armageddon clearly on
the horizon. At the time the BBC still
had an interest in producing thought
provoking drama. Watch and, frankly, shit
your pants at one of the final flowers
of UK TV speculative fiction. Twenty years
on it made us shake and have to nip to
the pub for a calming pint.
>> Wonderfalls <<
Despite cancellation after 4 episodes, this
charming little series from Angel alumni
Tim Minear actually recorded 13 episodes
before shutting up shop. Slowly but surely
these are leaking onto the net, two from
a DVD sent to journalists and another two
stamped with timecodes and black gaps
where the ads should be - presumably
leaked by someone closer to the production.
Watch them - they're fantastic. Or wait
for the December launch of the DVD.
>> Pirates of Silicon Valley <<
Emotionally telling if factually inaccurate
account of the battle for the desktop between
Bill Gates of Microsoft and Steve Jobs of
Apple. Humanises the story enough to make
the story palatable for non nerds.
All this and more via the usual darknet
sources of suprnova.org and torrents.co.uk
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: FRIDAY GAME
Bee game
It's Friday. You've checked all the links
in the newsletter. You've still got 2 hours
before they'll let you go to the pub.
Why not play a bee game? Its rather
innovative control system had us perplexed
until we got the hang of it, then we were
like, "Hey. Neat. Argh. Dead."
http://www.ridiculopathy.com/crappy_flash_games.ph...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Laws of Physics' challenge.
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us what happens
when the laws of physics pack up:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lawsofphysics/
We asked surly b3ta boarder 'Bitchpapa' to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Bitchpapa writes -
#1 "Physics... pffft - Not only did this entry
break the laws of physics but it broke the
board as well! I am a bit bemused by Vanessa
and Jono's elongated torsos and stumpy legs,
but any entry that uses Ronnie Corbett is a
winner in my book. (Kolonel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3360144
#1 "Escher - Seeing as we are breaking laws,
I have decided to have two winners this week!
A quality bit of image manipulation. I'm still
not 100% sure which way the water is meant to
flow. This is a b3ta classic - enjoy.
(DrNibdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3352019
#2 "My First Animation! - Can anyone tell me
why this wonderful contraption would not work
in real life? A charming little animation that
made me feel all warm inside! (vinceclortho)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3350450
#3 "The nature of space - Simply fantastic.
Funny, topical and very well-animated with
lovely timing. Unfortunately, posted in the
middle of the night so missed by many of you.
(ac-x)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3358909
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the challenge dictator returned and
told us to photoshop 'Cowboys.'
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cowboys/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MORE RUDE URLS - Kittenbot throws his hat into
the rudeURL ring, re-directing this charming
statement to everyone's favourite ISP.
http://www.aol-is-shit-and-only-wannabe-newbs-use-...
* B3TA IMAGE ON TELLY - Slim should need no
introduction to people who use our message
board. He's one of our best photoshop
artists. His recent skit on the Euro 2004
loss has turned up all over the place
including Sky news and Richard & Judy.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3372312
* JONTI FOOTBALL BADGERS TV THING - we were
amused while watching the BBC news this
week and noticing some supporters going,
"Footy footy footy footy - it's a goal!"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* VIDEO WORK CREATED FROM ROBBED BBC STUFF
Get to it kids. It's a fucking great
resource.
http://www.bbcmotiongallery.com/customer/index.jsp
* APARTHEID SIMULATOR - it's been 10 years
since the overthrow of one the most unjust
political systems of our time. Celebrate
with a Flash game where people fall from
the sky and you have to push the whites
into the land of plenty and the blacks
into a camp.
* MARIA SHARAPOVA TENNIS ELBOW GAME -
With Wimbledon on the telly, create a
game involving wanking and looking at
pretty Russian ladies in short skirts.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Sam & Stuart Clary.
Top Tippery by witty_ditty.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord of the blings.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bobbage.
Proofing by the ginger b4ta mafia. (74970)
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TOP TIP:
To remove the seeds from a chilli without
resorting to rubbing oil into your hands
or rubber gloves: Cut off the stalk end.
Hold the now-open end over a bin with the
chilli between your palms. Then roll the
fruit from side-to-side; this will cause
the seeds and the little ridge that holds
the seeds to get rubbed off and into the bin.
