NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 152: "LORD OF THE RINGPIECE"
This Week:
* VID - Lord of the Ringpiece
* QUESTION - Local nutters exposed
* SQUIRREL - Adopted tree-rat turns tricks
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 152 - 24 Sep 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue152/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Farts, Squirrels, Foreign twats
>> Farting Gandalf <<
"Few can deny the genius of Peter Jackson's
vision in bringing Lord of the Rings to life,"
booms Crog, "but for me it just didn't have
enough fart jokes." Heaven help us, we tried
so hard not to like this: A LoTR parody with
flatulence. But we just couldn't resist its
eggy charms.
http://www.larnercorp.com/downloads/downloadFile.p...
>> Superfly Squirrel <<
Over the last month we've been bringing you
Hairy Midget's updates on his adopted orphan
squirrel. Delight in the cute antics of Charley
squirrel as he cavorts with his human father.
http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/superflysquirrel.wmv
>> Amazon funny names <<
One of the best things of the web is typing
swearwords into search-engines. Another is
finding funny foreigners. Rob has been loitering
on Amazon, and combined the two.
http://snipurl.com/975c
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Local Nutters
Last week we asked you to tell us about the
deranged folks that make your local area just
that bit more interesting:
http://b3ta.com/questions/localnutters/
Here are some of our favourite stories:
#1 Wolverhampton Cowboy
"There was a bloke who wandered around in
a full cowboy outfit (big hat, leather
chaps, waistcoat, guns, holsters, spurs,
boots - the lot). Whenever I saw him, I'd
shout "DRAW" and he would spin-around
and have a mock gun fight. A couple of
years later, he was arrested. They were
real, loaded guns. eeeeeep.
(Zak McFlimby)
#2 Barclays Tramp
"Frankie is outside Barclays Bank in Kendal
watching the Securicor van unloading: man
hits side of van; bag of money comes out;
man walks off. So, Frankie runs like fuck.
Half an hour later, he's found in the bus
station with a 2/3rds drunk bottle of cider
and £9,998." (Vultan0)
#3 Supermarket Cheese man
"I work on the Deli counter in Somerfield.
It's shit. Every single customer seems to be
either blind, illiterate or socially retarded.
None more than the gentleman who ran up,
puffing and panting, to say "GIVE ME SOME
CHEESE!". Nothing particularly unusual about
that apart from the fact that he was quite
clearly masturbating furiously, staring at
me with a mad little glint in his eye.
I hate my job." (the moron)
>> This Week's Question <<
We want to know all about the worst presents
you've ever been given. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/presents/
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: ARGOS WATCH
Reading the catalogue so you don't have to
>> Woman sucks off horse <<
The sort of thing you'd see on Fred West's
mantlepiece, this woman loves horses in a way
we know too well.
http://snipurl.com/9b3w
>> Database engineers just want to have fun <<
Imagine being trapped working for the Argos
web department. After amusing yourself wanking
over the pictures of bras and girdles, why not
fiddle with the database to return the TRUTH
when people search for chav. Go on. Type chav
into Argos.
http://www.argos.co.uk/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Funky Drummer <<
Everybody loves the drums, best of all the
percussion instruments. Now you can play
them too thanks to this charming man in a
Creative promotional video. "This is rock and
roll" he says. Yes, yes it is.
http://snipurl.com/997a
>> God FAQ <<
Some thoughtful people haven taken the time and
effort to collect all the available information
about God and collate it into a handy 'Frequently
Asked Questions' list. Everything you could
ever need to know about God and more.
http://www.400monkeys.com/God/index.html
>> Retro tongue-twisters <<
At B3ta, we long for the days of simpler
pleasures. A time when everybody wore snorkel
parkas, rode Chopper bicycles and the most
sophisticated entertainment we had was reciting
tongue-twisters in the playground. Well, now we
can relive some of that lost youth here.
http://www.uebersetzung.at/twister/en.htm
>> L.A. to New York in 4 minutes <<
Director Michael Gondy's latest work is a video
for French popmonger Laquer. A time lapse video
of a drive from Los Angeles to New York, this is
intoxicating stuff to watch.
http://www.lacquersound.com/english/opener1.html
>> I can smell your cunt <<
Remember Jon & Al Kaplan's "Silence the Musical"?
US band Greenskeepers are continuing the theme
with this video cut together with footage from
the Silence of the Lambs movie. Not a bad
song too, if you like your music indie-guitar
college-rock flavoured.
http://media.greenskeepersmusic.com/lotionhigh.mov
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Delectable Double Feature
>> Pomeranian Popsicle <<
Pomeranians may have descended from the sled
dogs of Iceland and Lapland, but this cute
little fella still takes his mum's advice
and wraps up against the cold.
http://snipurl.com/9b6s
>> Siberian Kittens <<
These lovely kittens live in a special
cattery in Finland. FACT: People who are
allergic to cats will not be allergic to
Siberians. They have magic saliva.
http://www.pbase.com/merjatee/e_kittens6
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us at [email protected]
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Building stuff because they can
Trust our German brethren to take the classic
computer game, Pong, and turn it into a real-life,
ruthlessly efficient, electromechanical marvel.
We'd like to think that this project might offer
lasting proof that our sausage-eating friends
have a sense of humour, but there's little
evidence of it here, despite the impressive
end results.
http://www.cyberniklas.de/pongmechanik/indexen.htm...
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: INTRODUCING MAGICAL DAVE
Tricks to astound your two-year-old cousin
This we week we filmed B3ta's newsletter
co-writer Dave Stevenson doing magic. If
anyone in Las Vegas wants to get in touch
- Dave has very reasonable rates. You'll
be amazed.
http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/elevenfingerstrick.wmv
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
OAP rent boy, Cliff Richard &
>> My Granddad is a Prostitute song <<
Oh Jesus H Christ - Dan Fishcake has filled our
ears with a shed-load of grisly sexual imagery
that we're still trying to shake from our minds.
And out through the ends of our willies.
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php
>> Cliff Richard - the truth! calendar <<
For some inexplicable reason, Cliff Richard
still has the UK's best-selling calendar.
Sickened by this, Dr. Trouser writes, "Rather
than have a load of soft-focus vomit-inducing
images of the sanctimonious God-botherer, I've
made a calendar which reflects his true self."
We love this idea and July and August are
particularly fine.
http://www.drtrouser.com/data/2005_calendar.pdf
>> Disgusting Tongue <<
Stellar animator Aurelio O'Brien jacked in his
day job to write a novel. We don't know if the
book's actually any good, but he's made some
stonking Flash characters to promote it. It's
like an Innovations catalogue, but made of animal.
http://www.evethenovel.com/products/licknspan/inde...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Bob Ross' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to play with daytime
television painting sensation Bob Ross:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/bobross/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Spleen_Boy' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Spleen_Boy writes -
#1 "Bobblets - it would be a crime if Stick
Figure Ninja didn't win this challenge on
sheer volume of entries alone. I loved all
of his Bobblets, but this was my favourite.
(Stick Figure Ninja)
http://b3ta.com/board/3727910
#2 "Dance painter boy! - The vision of Bob's
hairy chest is going to stay with me a long
time. Pass the mind bleach please.
(Eclectech)
http://b3ta.com/board/3727157
#3 "Ross v Winner - themanwhofellasleep is
quite clearly not of sound mind, but this
entry made me laugh so much."
(themanwhofellasleep)
http://b3ta.com/board/3726095
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor Scaryduck gave us
the suggestion, "Boris Johnson World"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/borisjohnson/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* REVERSE CASE MODDING XTRA - "Reverse case
modding?", exclaims JPS, "I thought everyone
was into that. I've used an old hinge-topped
386 case as a CD rack for some five years now."
Oooh look at you. B3ta's very own Laurence
Llewelyn-Bowen.
http://www.biggrandejatte.co.uk/casemod/
* ERRATA OOPSIES - "Small error in issue 151,
in the Bit Torrent section" informs Susan,
"It's actually Matt Dillon's brother in
Entourage, not Matt Damon's."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LOST LUGGAGE PHOTO BLOG - work on the tube?
Or a night club? Why not start a blog
photographing all the stuff that gets left
behind.
* BIN BLOG - work on the bins? Or a rubbish
dump? Why not start a blog photographing
all the stuff that gets thrown away.
* HOSPITAL BLOG - work in the health
service? Or a creche? Why not start a
blog photographing all the stuff people
have swallowed or inserted up their
arses. Bonza.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson, Mystery Bob, Fraser Lewry,
and Lucy Reese. Cheers guys.
Stuff sent in by Watashi-wa, cow_joose,
kosso, seyhanaydin, quinh, gypsychk,
welsh_dodgy_Geezer, simeey, acidtrash,
Smallpsycho, I've been driven mad trying to
prove my sanity and mechamatsimpsk.
QOTW from Mike Trinder.
Top Tippery by Laughing Boy
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by corrupt b4ta oligarchy.
With gherkins. (78428)
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: GEEK JOKE
Remain a virgin 'til 35 with maths "comedy"
f(x)=6x+3 walks into a bar. "Got any
sandwiches? f(x)=6x+3 asks the barman.
"Sorry," he replies, "We don't cater for
functions."
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TOP TIP:
Phone low on signal? Wrap it in a little bit
of tin-foil, turn your radio on and leave it
near it for a few minutes. This should boost
up your signal. (We haven't had anyone test
a tip for a while. Have a go on this one.
Sounds like bollocks. Could work.)
