NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 158: "MELON MISHAP"
This Week:
* VID - Melon Mishap
* INTERVIEW - Dave 'Googlewhack' Gorman
* CALENDAR - Raunchy Royals
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 158 - 12 Nov 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue158/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Melon, Spectrum, Morris dancing and Royals
>> Watermelon head-butt <<
"My mate had a housewarming party recently",
boasts Tom Wyatt, "someone bought him a
watermelon as a present. We smashed it.
Via head-butting." Woo. We were mildly amused,
until he smacked his head against the Breville
causing piss to milk from our tit-eyes.
http://www.johnnysausage.com/modules.php
>> UK nerds click here <<
"I've been typing swear words into old Spectrum
text adventures", boasts Monkeon (32, single),
"just to see what happens." We'll tell you what
happens Monkeon. Fuck all.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/swearadventure/
>> Rathergood nonsense <<
Overseas readers might need some background
to Morris dancers: every Friday these balloon
wielding gits fill our streets with stick
knocking bullshit. Joel captured them
docu-style. It's like Cathy Come Home with
bells on.
http://www.rathergood.com/morris_dancers/
>> Free content for tabloids <<
Journos. Stuck for a picture story? Simply
lift these photoshops of the Royal Family.
Should fill a few pages. Oh, make sure
you give no credit to the makers. As-per-usual.
Ha! Ha! We won't either. Who's the cunt now?
http://www.iamvork.com/sick/index.html
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: DAVE "GOOGLEWHACK" GORMAN INTERVIEW
New DVD wooness
Following on from the interview we ran with
Dave Gorman a few years back, he got in touch
and asked your ginger Fürher Rob Manuel to
make a pop video for his new DVD.
Seemed like a fine opportunity to drill his
nut for new information.
B3TA: How did you get interested in
googlewhacking?
DAVE: I was meant to be writing a novel and
like most writers the first thing I do is
everything else. I was suffering from a
particularly bad case of writer's block and was
primed for displacement activity of any kind.
Then I got an e-mail from someone telling me
that I was a googlewhack. I asked them what
they meant and they explained what a
googlewhack was and that there was one on my
site. Naturally enough, it became the
displacement activity of the moment. I'm sure
if it hadn't come along something else would.
It was more to do with my inability to write
than anything else.
B3TA: Any tips on combating procrastination?
DAVE: I'll have to come back to you on that
one. I've got a thing that needs a whatsit.
B3TA: Going off and meeting people based on a
search query is a bit nuts isn't it?
DAVE: Yeah... I guess so. But I was having a
bit of a breakdown so I guess I was going a
bit nuts. The first few that I met were kind
of accidental and made perfect sense. I look
back on them and they still make perfect
sense to me. But it did cross a line.
B3TA: How does the DVD compare to the book?
DAVE: The stageshow and the book feel very
different to me ... they're different tellings
of the same story. The stageshow is more
condensed and has more punch, the book has a
bit more introspection and explains a lot
more. Oh... and you don't get Book Extras but
you do get DVD Extras, including a song with
a really cool video by a guy called Rob Manuel.
B3TA: Which bit gets the biggest laugh?
DAVE: Well if I told you that then people would
know it was coming. And then it wouldn't get
the biggest laugh from them when they watched
it. But generally when things go really well
for me the audience seems to like it... but
when things go badly for me they seem to love
it.
B3TA: Stalkers. Tell us about your worst.
DAVE: I've not had anything really bad. I've
been aware on a couple of occasions that I've
been followed as I walk home. I get a lot of
e-mails and there are people who, because they
get a reply, think you're their new best friend.
One woman sent me an e-mail saying, "some
friends and I are renting a cottage in Ireland
for a week... my husband can't come so we
thought you might like to take his place". She
was terribly offended when I declined. A year
later she was sending an e-mail to her entire
address book slagging me off and declaring that
I clearly had a problem relating to women.
I've never even met this woman and she thinks
I'm a weird misogynist for not going on holiday
with her! I've had the odd proposal of marriage
too. Very odd, as it happens.
B3TA: Why did you ask me to make a video?
DAVE: Short answer: because I think you're
great.
Long answer: A lot of the time DVD extras offer
so called "behind the scenes" footage which just
turns out to be some badly-shot video of you
having a cup of tea in your kitchen. Not only
does it seem pretty shonky to me but I can't
live with the idea that people would think I'm
so up myself that I think footage of me drinking
tea is interesting. So I asked the DVD people
if I could just put something that I like on as
an extra, like a song from one of my favourite
bands or something... that way I could introduce
some of my audience to something new and besides,
showing people something I really like tells
them more about me than me drinking tea does.
Their reaction was a confused: "...but it has to
be about the Googlewhack Adventure". So I e-mailed
one of my favourite bands; Helen Love and asked
them if they'd fancy writing a song about the
story. I wasn't really expecting them to say yes
but I was pretty happy when they did.
B3TA: And why should B3ta readers buy your DVD?
DAVE: I think they're well-balanced enough to
decide for themselves if they want to buy one
without me demeaning myself with a whorish
sales pitch.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0002CTZS...
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: ELECTION BOLLOCKS CORNER
The world responds to another 4 years of Bush
Unless you've been under a rock you'll know
that Maggie has been voted back in, and Kinnock
has been kicked to the floor. Links have been
flooding in to B3ta Towers and here's three of
our favourites.
>> Pro-Kerry <<
Pasty-faced losers have been sticking up their
bitch-mugs on the web to apologise to the world,
and guarantee they won't be beaten to death on
their "let's do Europe" trips before getting
jobs as attorneys to Microsoft.
http://www.sorryeverybody.com/gallery/123/
>> Pro-Bush <<
Gun-totting, abortion-happy Christians have
responded with HTML spite, as illustrated here.
http://www.werenotsorry.com/
>> Oh shut up-ers <<
All of this whilst the rest of the world
thinks, "Sod it. We're stuck with it. Stop
whinging you cunts." (Warning, NSFW)
http://www.shut-up-and-live-with-it.tk/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Obscure Memorabilia
Last week we wanted you to tell us about the
odd things you keep because of their history:
http://b3ta.com/questions/memorabilia/
Here are some of the highlights:
#1 Sixteen Foot Penis
"My mate owns the infamous fully operational
hydraulic penis used by the Beastie Boys back
when they were really controversial. Its about
16 foot long and he bought it for 1 quid ages
ago. Sadly, he still can't afford to ship it
over from America." (pb4ugo2bed)
Anyone interested in helping pb4ugo2bed's mate
import a 16' penis into the UK, contact us:
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
#2 Unsigned Book
"I saw Ted Hughes signing 'The Iron Man' at
a children's book fair when I was about 11:
Me: Would you sign my book please?
Ted: No.
Me: Why not?
Ted: It's "Where's Wally?".
Bastard. So I have a copy of Where's Wally?
almost signed by someone who didn't write it."
(krang)
#3 Green Knobbly Plastic Lump
"I've got a shorth length of green knobbly
plastic. Looks crap, is crap. But it was the
piece of Kryptonite Superman threw in the snow
to build his ice cave in the first Superman
movie... Still looks like a crappy length
of green plastic though." (Zaphod's Wombat)
#4 A can of 'Wet Wet Wet' Lager.
No Comment.
Oh, and we liked 'born_sleepy's' contribution that
"you know you're getting old when you're too slow
to post your reply to the latest question of the
week." We know the feeling.
>> This Week's Question <<
Have you 'starred' in the background of anything?
Confess your movie antics here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/moviestars/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Homo fuck-fest <<
Following last week's homotopic auto-jizztastic
demonstration, we bring you genius man-on-man
gay-love. It's fantastic, bumtastic and if you
don't like it, then you've probably got AIDS.
Like us. We got a free Vauxhall Nova from the
council.
http://www.sickanimation.com/last2men.html
>> French webtard makes flash CV <<
"This is the most eye-catching CV to ever land
on my desk." shits Dr Cat9 M.D., "It quickly got
distributed around our office. However, we won't
hire they guy. He's French."
http://213.186.36.10/~al/alstudio/cv/en.htm
>> Optical brain-mare <<
We all like a nice dragon that follows your
eye about the room. All well and good as you
are lulled into a false sense of security by
the Oliver Postgate-esq commentary, but wait
for the brain shattering conclusion. We
shivered with ocular fear at the final frames.
http://www.grand-illusions.com/videos/dragon%20ill...
>> Mawkish sentimental bollocks <<
Mopsey was a kitten. And, like all kittens,
he died. Check out this heart-rending tribute.
You'll either giggle or be moved to tears.
http://www.privatehand.com/flash/mopsey.html
>> £5000 p.a. for wanks <<
Men only... For the love of Christ, unzip your
member and chuck out a cup of jizz fot B3ta.
Wank for the server. B3ta needs you. Oh,
and we'll get a better price for lady-eggs.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4002829.stm
>> Sleepee Japanesee <<
They are crazy those Nipponese. Reinforce your
stereotypes by imbibing these snaps of snoozing
salary men and sleeping heroes of Edo. Gibber
at their slack-jawed slouching and jelly-bodied
collapse.
http://masamania.com/archives/2004/09/japanese_bus...
>> Speaking search engine <<
Bored? Pretend you're blind. After fumbling round
your cell to find your PC, try this speaky search
engine. No idea if it's useful to the visually
bereft, but we had a few giggles searching for porn.
http://www.speegle.co.uk/search.php
>> David Hasselhoff <<
As punishment for the Second World War, the
Americans foisted Hasselhoff on Nazi Germany.
They are still paying.
http://www.deadmanworking.com/ho/
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: CHRISTMAS GIFTS
For your retarded cousin
>> Star-Trek phone <<
Regular readers will remember Nik Roope
and his customised "Pokia" hand-sets.
It's proved quite a hit, with stories from
design mags to the New York Times. Sensing
a craze, other geeky-design-cunts have riffled
through their childhood past to come up with
this nostalgic techno-clam.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
>> Pen sword <<
Terrorists! Want to hold up a 747 and crash
it into the a big fat target of people who
don't want to die? Help is on hand with the
pen-sword. It looks like a pen, but has all
the qualities of a sword. Also good for
exam suicides.
http://www.brassknucklescompany.com/brass/catalog/...
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Over-clocked toothbrush
Fact: 95% of electric tooth brushes are used
for anal masturbation. Manufacturers know this:
It's the only way to sell dildos to straight
males.
Some men need more power. More stimulation.
We salute these men.
http://www.g4techtv.com/flashpop.aspx#8730;74
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Arctic foxes
"I saw the cutest, fuzziest thing I've seen in
a long, long, long time yesterday," enthuses
tr1nity, "arctic foxes"
"I was sitting in my school library yesterday
reading a National Geographic and came across
this. When I got home I hopped over to my PC
and found the pics online, and had to tell
B3ta."
http://magma.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0410/featu...
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: BIT TORRENT TV
Stuff we've watched this week
Not much. We've been at work. Arses.
>> Band-Aid doc <<
Think Bob Geldof was the only man who
made Band Aid happen? Think again, 80s
pointy side-burned synth rocker
Midge Ure was the quieter half of the
team. This BBC3 documentary is full of
great behind the scenes facts. For example:
Sting was driven to the recording in a
Rolls, and had his driver park it round
the corner so the tabloids saw him arrive
on foot. A treat for pop culture obsessives.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Tramp Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted tramp traps.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tramptraps/
We asked brought Freddy Woo out of retirement
to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Freddy Woo writes -
#1 "Disney Bukkake - the lady WAS a tramp.
She fucking loved it. (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3909417
#2 "Soup Wagon - carefully chosen application
of bad technique, yes the Police are this
stupid. (OhArse)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3909529
#3 "Refuse and Waste - always happy to see
puns redefining what language means."
(deltaSi)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3911478
>> This Week's Challenge <<
Channel 4 has contacted B3ta and
asked us to ask you to "re-design the
C4 logo to promote their 'alternative
Christmas.'" They have dug
out a bunch of DVD box sets of some
cult comedies for the winning entries,
and best designs will appear on the
C4 website.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/c4_xmas/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Unicycle
Are people who ride unicycles a bunch of
cunts? Yes.
Circus skills are for tramps and dole slags.
If you work in new media you'll be needing
such skills soon.
Thanks to Gfxmonk for this - we found it
bloody impossible to play but it made us laugh.
http://www.gfxmonk.com/misc/unigame/play.php
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LITERAL EUPHEMISM TESTING - cut off your
nose to spite your face, shoot your self
in the foot or even teach your grandmother
to suck eggs.
* CELEBRITY SPUNK SANDWICH - get a job in
Pret near the Radio 1 office. Put the more
into 'More than Mozzarella.'
* GOOD DEEDS - wank off a mong. Or someone
old.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
Ben Wheatley and David Stevenson.
Links sent in by a shadowy organisation
of criminals who operate... above the law,
and notimetosayit, rio3001, flurble,
louisenel, LFFleetwood, amplitude,
breebltrn1, philip.day, nicoleforster76,
cheese1017 & stokedkid.
Top Tippery by shaz norbert.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
QOTW by Mike Trinder.
Image challenge handled by Denise Wilton.
Proofing by the burnt-up b4ta bread-blokes.
(77907)
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TOP TIP:
If you're being chased by a police dog, try
not to go through a tunnel, then on to a
little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of
fire. They're trained for that.
