NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 160: "REALDOLLS FOR PAEDOS"
This Week:
* VID - Inflatable Glove Balloons
* GEEK - AOL CD Throne
* PORN - Sexy toe mystery
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 160 - 26 Nov 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue160/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Hats, Magnets, Fuzz
>> Silly Hat Man Inflates Rubber Gloves <<
"I've been playing around with rubber gloves
this week," writes Davideo. And wearing a
ridiculous hat too, by the looks of things.
http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/balloony.htm
>> Fridge Magnet Messenger <<
Fakker spelt out very slowly on his fridge
"I've made this fridge magnet message thing
with magneticky goodness." Some of the already
stored messages sum up our feelings exactly.
http://www.mattfacer.com/fridge/index.php
>> Fuzz Magazine <<
Rhodri writes "The Home Office are producing
a tabloid-style 'lifestyle' magazine for the
police force. I've saved them the effort and
produced the front-cover myself."
http://timewasting.net/pix/fuzz.jpg
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: HUMAN ZOO
Council of Doon
The councillors of the Western Isles were never
going to rank as world-class beauties. But this
page surely proves that in-breeding is alive
and well.
There's something rather horrifying about moving
your mouse really quickly over the map as their
hideous twisted faces grin back. Our favourite's
Donald Macdonald from Harris East.
http://www.w-isles.gov.uk/members/wards.htm
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Spooky Premonitions
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted to know if you'd had any
premonitions of the future:
http://b3ta.com/questions/premonitions/
#1 Stuffed Toy Ensures Clean Undies
"When I was 5 I had a stuffed gorilla
named Dan who once told me that I should
take an overnight bag with me when we went
shopping. My mum thought I was very odd
clutching my bright green Ninja Turtles
backpack full of clothes on the advice of
my cotton-filled, banana-wielding friend,
but when we got stuck after an oil spill
closed the road home, I was the only one
with clean underwear." (sophie the dyking)
#2 Snuff-It Stakes
"We use to run an office tote-betting thingy
on who would die next. The trick was to nominate
someone completely unexpected to die, so you
don't have to share the pot with other
co-nominees. I remember the same girl
accurately predicted the deaths of Princess Di,
Jill Dando and Douglas Adams. Maybe she had
them bumped off so that she'd win our office
sweepstake. Who knows?" (Ptolemy)
#3 Tamagotcha
"My friend's Tamagotchi died mere hours, nay,
minutes before the news of Princess Diana's
death was announced. Coincidence? I think
not." (scoob666)
Also, we'd like to point out that the only
reason the image challenge results are in
this week's newsletter is because Rob appeared
in a dream to Pep and made her get up. Honest.
>> This Week's Question <<
To be honest, it's amazing some of us are still
alive. Share your near-death experiences here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/neardeath/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Sexy Toe Mystery <<
Fancy yourself as some sort of perverted
Sherlock Holmes? Apparently this pretty
porn-lady has only got two toes on her
right foot. A bout of 'detective work' on
Google Images is definitely in order.
Warning: Not safe for work.
http://bbs.peachy18.com/ShowPost.aspx
>> Replica Eight-Year-Olds <<
Parents: Worried your child will be abducted? Get
them to lug around this life-sized model to use
as a decoy. That's the only market we can think
of for this travesty of the doll-maker's art.
That, or some sort of RealDoll for paedos.
http://tinyurl.com/4cgsq
>> Kids Draw Entrails <<
Have you ever wondered what serial killers were
like at school? We suspect their artwork might
look a lot like this. Say hello to a classroom
of junior Huntleys, Shipmans, and Wests.
http://www.thehumanbody.ecsd.net/student_gallery.h...
>> Kill Your Boss <<
Unleash your repressed rage against your boss.
This animated toy lets you kill him with any
object to hand. Our preferred weapon? The
stapler. We like the visceral attention to
detail.
http://www.whackyourboss.com/
>> Punk Synthesizer <<
If any further proof were needed that punk
is dead it's this: a quirky keyboard-based
synthesizer that lets you play at being
Sid Vicious. We had fun making it belch
and swear. We also applaud that it allows you
to choose between qwerty and azerty layouts
so it's truly international. And isn't that
what punk is all about anyway?
http://www.zanorg.com/prodperso/punk.htm
>> Build A Better Bush <<
It's not often we'll run anything featuring
George W. Bush. We're denying him the oxygen
of publicity. But we very much enjoyed this
page's ability to customise his facial
features. We like him with highlights,
designer stubble and a big grin. Very cool.
Like a latter-day Don Johnson.
http://www.ilfoglio.it/uploads/camillo/Buildabette...
>> Badly Drawn Boys <<
One man's obsession with footballers goes
way, way, way beyond his ability to actually
draw. We liked the portrait of Gianfranco Zola
the best. He's got a little deformed hand, just
like Anthony Head or Jeremy Beadle.
http://www.ktv.nu/~s569e/karikatyrer.htm
>> A-Team Robots <<
It's the cult 80s TV show in robotic form.
Apparently this is someone's degree project -
had we known that A-Team Robotics Studies was a
valid course, we may have made different
choices all those years ago.
http://snipurl.com/awp6
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Twice the links. Double the cute.
We're on an international hunt to find the
cutest stuff in the world. Here's the
research so far.
>> Curious Owl With Furry Legs <<
It's the expression that does it: startled
and curious, our black hearts melt.
http://img98.exs.cx/my.php
>> Baby Badger <<
Don't tell Weebl, but the only thing cuter
than an adult badger is a infant badger.
http://www.secretworld.org/image/html/badger5.htm
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
AOL CD throne
Normal people use them as coasters or play
rudimentary frisbee games with them. AOL CDs are
a plentiful resource that can be used for many
things. This man spent months of his life
building them into a throne.
Stupidco writes "This thing has been sitting in
my bedroom for a year. It's one of the most
uncomfortable chairs you'll ever sit on, and if
it isn't strange enough to earn a link in the
newsletter, I don't know what is." Oh, we know
alright: you are.
http://stupidco.com/aol_throne_finished.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Not Safe For Work' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us things
that were dangerous in the workplace:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nsfw/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Beau Bo D'Or' to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves, written
in the style of pompous wind-bag Kevin McCloud:
#1 Joanne does the shredding
"I can't pretend not to be captivated by
the stark yet anti-aliased edge trademark
style which screams the name 'Mushybees.'
The colour black is almost warm to the touch
in this context, the green tinged greys
reflecting the mundane, almost clinical
nature of 21st century automated office
work." (Mushybees)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3976978
#2 Hard Hat
"A postmodernist take on a classic icon of
the blue collar workplace? The 'helmet' of
the construction worker from The Village
People literally attracting attention? I
shall be brave and venture that, although
there may indeed be a subtext open to
various interpretations, this actually
represents an hilarious 'accident' waiting
to happen on any building site."
(Kris Fucking Kristofferson)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3976381
#3 Mined Keyboard
"This keyboard and its delicate lighting
lulls the user and indeed viewer into an
almost goose-down-soft false sense of
security. And yet, lurking in the shadows,
one spies a land mine silently waiting for
the next four-letter swearword or, dare I
say, misspelled, tired old fashion brand."
(D7JAB)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3963496
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor 'Mr Bojangles' gave
us the suggestion "Messing with history."
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/history/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BIRMINGHAM deemed grossly inappropriate -
Pristine B3ta person 'Hazzard' has managed
to get sacked for watching the B-B-B-B-BIRMINGHAM
animation at work. "I was apparently being,
and I quote, 'Grossly inappropriate'," he
splutters, "Maybe if their PCs had sound they
would have seen the funny side."
* SWEARY FINGERS confuses simple American -
Morgan writes: "Yes, I'm an American. I suck.
But, in the 'Sweary Fingers Gallery', half of
the people are doing the 'V for Victory' finger
gesture. Is this also a swear in the UK? Being
such backwards retards, we only have the
single-finger salute." Do you want to tell
him, or shall we?
* MANTLEPIES TV GIG - "We're doing some stuff
for the Beeb at the moment. Armando
Iannucci contacted us and asked us to do
some sketch ideas for his end of year show.
Hopefully we'll have something on the telly
soon," writes Mr. Wellington, of the rather
marvellous www.mantlepies.com website.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Lobster Challenge
Can you get the confused lobsters to their
homes without them falling into the fiery
pits of oblivion? Of course, it all depends
on how much you care about lobsters, but this
Japanese game will drive you mad.
http://www.i-dac.com/game/myhouse/myhouse.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PEPPERAMI ORIGAMI - make a poodle out of a
shrivelled meat snack.
* SWEENEY COD - write and star in a musical
about a murderous hair-cutting fish.
* SANTA BANTER - wire up your local department
store santa with a mic. We want to know what
the greedy little sods are asking for this year.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by David Stevenson,
Mike Trinder, Rob Manuel and the b4ta-wikis.
Links sent in by Keith David, tomsk, Robert
Tinsley, Jakartass, Alistair Peck, Sonicboo,
Badger Bob, nsmith, Bob Jamieson, Martyn Rose
Top Tippery by Lucy Reese.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Denise Wilton.
Proofing by the sinister b4ta ministers.
(74668)
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TOP TIP:
PC filled with adware and viruses? No idea how
to rescue it from malware-doom? Don't bother
with all that Ad-Aware and Spybot crap, just
pour a cup of tea in it and do an insurance job.
