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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 173: "FAMILY PLANNING - PLEASE USE REAR ENTRANCE"

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This Week:
* ANIM - Sex with dragons
* MACHINE - Great egg race
* INTERVIEW - Inventor bloke Tim Hunkin

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 173 - 11 Mar 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue173/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: ADVERT
  Country spot

  "Watch this Country Sport before it gets
  banned and see Rover get a real sheepdog's
  bollocking for a four-footed tackle."
http://www.maverickmedia.co.uk/bannedcountrysportvid.html

  Wish to buy advertising in this very space?
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  DIY Honda, Jaffa revenge, Tim Hunkin Interview

  >> Elaborate machine <<
  "We are four Cambridge students with too much
  time on our hands," brags Ben Tyers. But the
  combination of free time and clever college
  monkeys has given us this amazingly elaborate
  contraption that does tonnes, while achieving
  nothing. Check out the bigger, clearer video.
  (Note: We had some difficulty getting it to
  play, eventually got it working on the DIVX
  player on PC and Quicktime on the Mac.)
http://people.pwf.cam.ac.uk/lwh21/machine


  >> Cake box "too big" <<
  Big boxes, big bags, excessive packaging really
  gets on Mr Ikasu's tits. He's harnessed his basic
  physics knowledge and some measuring jugs to show
  us all just how wrong McVities Jaffa Muffins are
  - it's 230% larger than the actual muffin!
http://www.mrikasu.com/blog/archives/2005/03/mcvities_jaffa_1.html


  >> Tim Hunkin Interview <<
  Tim Hunkin is probably most famous for writing
  and presenting the Channel 4 series The Secret
  Life of Machines, but that's not all he's done.
  His Rudiments of Wisdom cartoon ran in The
  Observer for 15 years, and he's set up an
  amusement arcade featuring his own homemade
  coin-operated slot machines and simulators.
  Fraser Lewry got in touch and found out more.
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/timhunkin/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Losing Your Virginity

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
 
  Last week we asked you to tell us how you lost
  your virginity:
http://b3ta.com/questions/virginity/

  These made us feel sad inside:

  * "I got to lose it twice! It was many years ago,
    I'd never seen a naked penis before and what was
    presented before me was about 3.5" and about as
    thick as one of my petite super-girly thumbs.
    After much flailing around I was left feeling
    a little disappointed, thinking "is that all
    there is?" It wasn't until I had gotten together
    with my second boyfriend that, after some squeaky
    whimpering and blood-stained sheets, I finally
    popped my cherry. To this day I seldom think of
    that first experience, unless i happen to be
    served a cocktail weenie." (killbunnie23)
     
  * "I was crap. Took all day, trying over and over.
    Only good thing to come out of it was that we
    had to get the morning-after pill from Barnstaple
    Health Centre the next day and I got to see the
    immortal sign: 'Family Planning - Please use rear
    entrance'." (Lord Manley)
     
  * "Picture the scene: We had been going out for
    about 4 months and it was going to be our first
    time with anyone, so like a gent I paid for a
    hotel room for the night. We spent the whole day
    as normal and then had a few beers to get more
    comfy. Flicked on the TV for background music
    and just after I pop her cheery the news brings
    on a nice news flash that the queen mother is
    dead.... Yes...." (Gaz)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  Fed up with all this negativity, tell us about the
  beautiful moments in your life. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> My year with 'The Dragon' <<
  A bedraggled prison escapee looks back with
  fondness on his time with 'The Dragon'. It's
  rare to find something simultaneously so
  repellant and yet so charmingly nice.
http://www.sickanimation.com/dragonyear.html


  >> Intriguing eBay story <<
  What on earth has fatherdoc been getting up to?
  A quick click through his history shows that
  he's been buying up a shed-load of altar kit
  and surely more chalices than anyone could use
  in a lifetime.
http://snipurl.com/ddd3


  >> The spacko dance trap <<
  Everybody dance now! A mystified college guy
  rigs up a secret camera to catch his room-mate
  shaking his booty to 90s house. He's a lovely
  mover and what makes this for us is that he
  clearly doesn't give a shit about getting
  caught. Warning: long video.
http://www.funlol.com/content/everybody-dance-now.wmv


  >> Dancing Skeleton <<
  What a showman! This busker is the absolute
  God of puppets, and his all-singing,
  all-dancing, rock'n'roll skeleton. Why is
  this not at Covent Garden when we're there
  instead of all those dull statue fuckers?
  Warning: this one is a bit long too.
http://content.collegehumor.com/media/movies/skeleton.wmv


  >> Big Turd Girl Interview <<
  If poo is your thing then this is the interview
  for you. It should go without saying that this
  will be NSFW unless you' happen to be a medic
  specialising in gastro-enterology. Warning: scat.
http://www.joyangeles.com/interview2.htm


  >> Anti-smoking propaganda <<
  We're not ones to say kids shouldn't smoke,
  infact we earn a lucrative sideline selling
  singles to the kids in Kentish Town. However
  this collection of short sit-com style videos,
  purport to be based on real brain-storm sessions
  held by tobacco marketing execs. Funny and
  thought provoking stuff, "We'll get the urban
  hipsters to smoke.. and then the other kids
  will think, if they smoke, they'll be trendy
  too." Even if you're fantacially pro smoking,
  it's an interesting lesson in marketing.
http://www.fairenough.com/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Dogs, kittens and sloths

  The world's stupidest dog, at least if you can
  judge from a face. Awww. What a thickie.
http://www.ruffridersrescue.org/Willard%20is%20so%20cute-72.jpg

  What could be nicer than spending a sunny day
  in the park, accompanied by your tiny, adoring
  kitten chum.
http://mycap.mii.instacontent.net/g.myspace/00036/38/64/36334683_l.jpg

  Sloths in a box - these little cutelings look like
  they're making a break for it. But not to worry,
  they aren't getting anywhere in a hurry.
http://10e.org/samcimg/namakemono.jpg


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: BIT TORRENT TV
  Stuff we've watched this week

  >> I'm Your Number One Fan <<
  The undoubted highlight of this 1996 stalker
  documentary is Blue Tulip Rose Read, the
  self-proclaimed 'wife' and number one fan of DJ
  Mike Read. She embodies the stalker's predicament
  by passionately, well, dementedly devoting her
  entire life to a mediocrity. You sometimes get
  the thought that these people should be getting
  help, not being filmed - but that just makes it
  all the more fascinatingly watchable.
http://www.uknova.com/


  >> Outlaws <<
  We're not exactly the first on the bandwagon,
  but we only just discovered this tough, cynical
  funny show about low-rent criminal lawyers. The
  excellent cast includes Phil Daniels who, along
  with a great ska soundtrack and a deep vein of
  dark humour, make it just about our favourite
  show right now.
http://www.uknova.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Mother's Day Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us what not to
  get your mum on Mother's Day.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mothersday/

  We asked b3ta boarder 'The Bear' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  The Bear writes -

  #1 "Happy Belated Mother's Day - This tickled
      me a lot. Although they can't give this to
      their mum as she has become a Mercedes spare
      part, the viciousness and hatred that these
      two boys have for their soon to be 'mare-in-law'
      was beautifully portrayed plus the added bonus
      of the Quo meme is truly memorable -- er is
      that enough Je Suis? Send me the £5 as
      arranged (je suis tres francais)
http://b3ta.com/board/4347740

  #2  "No Jacko Pun - Very topical indeed. A clever
       use of an existing picture with witty text,
       WE NEED MORE OF THIS!
       (previously on the west wing)
http://b3ta.com/board/4351544

  #3  "A Mother's Love - Nice and simple yet
       effective, nice to know that Miss S keeps
       in touch with her mum. (Miss Scarlet)
http://b3ta.com/board/4344206

  A special mention goes to printmeister. It's so
  easy to arrange kiddies spelling toys to make
  rude words, ask thefuckingbearcub."
http://b3ta.com/board/4342252


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator wants you to
  make "Bad Public Art"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/badpublicart/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * 60 EGGS IN 60 SECONDS -  It looks like no-one
    is up to last weeks challenge. The records
    stand at  (Hard boiled) 14 in 58 seconds by
    Peter Dowdeswell at the Stardust Social Club,
    Corby, Northants on Feb 1977, and (Soft boiled)
    32 in 78 seconds by Peter Dowdeswell in
    Northampton, April 1978. C'mon, surely one
    of you can do better?

  * PIZZA TIP UPDATE -  A quick follow-up to the
    pizza tip last week, microwave last night's
    soggy delight as normal, then bung it in a
    hot frying pan with a tiny bit of oil for a
    minute or two.  Hey presto, a lovely crispy
    bottom just like new!  Students eh?


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Catch the Squares

  Simple but addictive. Avoid the red squares and
  pick up the black. There's nothing superfluous,
  just the facts, ma'am.
http://www.fetchfido.co.uk/games/squares-2/squares-2.htm


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WIKIPEDOPHILE.COM - a national database of
    pederasts maintained by concerned parents.
    If there's a kid fiddler in the neighbourhood,
    anyone can build a page about them which
    others are able to edit or amend, all without
    the need for HTML or programming skills.
    This couldn't go wrong, could it?

  * INAPPROPRIATE CHARITY EVENTS  - become the
    pride of your community with your sponsored
    cross-country drive for Greenpeace, sponsored
    swim for the tsunami appeal, sponsored duck
    hunt for the RSPB and your marathon for
    the fair trade organisation wearing all your
    Nike gear. 

  * NAMING PRODUCTS AFTER REAL STUFF - we're fed
    up with Nokia and Sony calling their products
    meaningless collections of numbers like the 
    7610 or NW-E505. Possibly it's easier to get
    it past the board, as no-one could possibly
    like these names, they couldn't hate them
    either. What about a Nokia Furtive (good
    for upskirt shots) or a BMW Tiddles? Or
    Sony should do an mp3 player tie-in with
    U2,and call it the Sony Bono...

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David "Two monitors" Stevenson, and the
  wonderful wiki woos.
  Links sent in by SiX, Ben Wheatley, tinyteeth,
  namecheryl, terrywaters, willstheway, obh, alex
  dicks, henry simmonds and deeneyboy.
  Top Tippery by Mrs Google.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by b4ta. They love it. (76789)
 
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  TOP TIP:
  Spray your cheese grater with oil for easy
  cleaning.

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