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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 178 - "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR HITLER FROM YOUR WILLING SERVANT ON EARTH, POPE BENEDICT XVI"

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This Week:
* ANIM - Camilla Queen
* GAME - Traffic light simulator
* T-SHIRTS - B3ta artist of the week

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 178 - 22 Apr 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue178/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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-------------------------------------------------

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  >> Advertise in B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Camillia Queen, Traffic game, Cats & Cooking

  >> Camilla Queen <<
  Britain is a funny old place, we've inherited
  a peculiar anachronism called the Royal
  Family, no one quite knows why they exist,
  including increasingly themselves. Since
  Diana died, even the tabloids have given
  up on them a bit, preferring to create
  a new royal family from various members
  of reality shows and thick muppets from
  football. But it's all changed now!
  We've got Camilla - she smokes tabs,
  does dirty middle-aged stink sex, and
  hopefully one day she'll be our Queen.
  And maybe, just maybe, the nation shall
  sing-as-one this stirring anthem created
  by Doghorse with visual stuff from his
  anim-bitch, eclectech. Wicked.
http://eclectech.co.uk/camillaqueen.php


  >> Traffic game <<
  We forget what it was called but we
  remember reading Amstrad Computer User
  in the mid 80s and it reviewed a game
  where you controlled the traffic lights
  in some kind god-like traffic warden
  thing. We didn't buy it but we always
  thought it sounded cool as fuck. Looks
  like Geheee read the same mags as us and
  has produced this, rather fantastic
  little distraction. Woo. BTW: Geheee
  mentions that his sister is a big fan
  of b3ta, so hopefully she'll be sending
  us some photos of her tits.
http://www.geheee.com/games/trafficcontrol2.html


  >> Cat buckaroo <<
  "I like to play buckaroo", boasts MrA
  manfully, "with my fat cat Wesley." Woo. We
  like this mainly  because we recognise our
  own behaviour: there's nothing we like
  better than placing objects  on B3ta cat
  Rocky's head, maybe a fag packet or a
  bottle-top, and watch it slide off,
  with Rocky all undignified and slightly
  perturbed. You'll laugh. You didn't? You
  bunch of dull cunts, we don't know why we
  bother.
http://www.ashearer.f2s.com/blog/?p=2


  >> Fraser's Cookery Corner: Pork Pie <<
  Fraser. Mr Fraser to you has been a long
  time back-room boy in B3ta towers, supplying
  some of the filthiest, most depraved links
  to this very newsletter. Now is the time
  for him to step from behind the curtain and
  reveal his true self: a secret chef.
  This week he cooked impressively huge pork 
  pie. Now, trust us, this is good shit man,
  fuck all the flash bullshit, this is 
  what the hip kids are into. BTW: We hope
  to be including Fraserís cooking as an 
  irregular feature. 
http://www.blogjam.com/2005/04/17/pork-pie/


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: B3TA PEOPLE T-SHIRTS
  You for to have, hold and wear

  You know like we run a website? You might have
  seen it? You know there's like thousands
  of people who sit there daily making all those
  Photoshop images all-day?

  We've done the obvious. We're picking a B3ta
  person each Friday, and they'll be featured 
  as a "B3ta t-shirt artist of the week" and
  you'll have the once-in-your-lifetime
  opportunity of wearing their fabulous artwork 
  on your chest.

  This week we've got Beau Bo D'Or with his
  wootastic Thorahirds shirt. Buy them now,
  they're lucky and you'll definitely get
  a shag.
http://www.spice.co.uk/b3ta.php


-------------------------------------------------

: HUMAN ZOO
  Old man in sex-waders

  Possibly the most disturbing realisation for
  young people is that old codgers still engage
  in a sexual life. This chappy doesn't give a
  flying hoot what you think, and is happy to
  parade  about his website in fetching rubber
  boots, and a nice potato-enhanced cock bulge
  too. It's like finding S&M contact photos for
  the Captain Birdseye.
http://leatheroaks.org/Pages/WaderTwo.html


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK - I
  Guilty Pleasures

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Since we had a week off sunning ourselves last
  week, we've got two lots of answers for you.
  
  First up are your guilty pleasures. Trying to
  pick the three best was impossible - they're
  all good. We feel used just reading them:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltypleasures/

  * Knickers, part I
    "I teach biomed students how to use
    microscopes. The class, 150 in all, is
    about 90% female. From the back of the lab,
    just as they are all leaning forward, I am
    witness to a gasp inducing view. An ocean
    of knickers, thongs, tattoos and cracks.
    I spend most of the 2 hour class back there."
    (ghetto soldier)
     
  * Squeezing spots
    "My boyfriend thinks he's allergic to
    something. Haven't got round to telling him
    that the red blotchiness on his back is caused
    by me poking at him for hours while he's
    sleeping... I derive great pleasure from
    squeezing the really tiny ones that have
    lots of pus without waking him up. Bliss."
    (deadly)
     
  * Knickers, part II
    "What a pleasure it is to take the Mrs'
    dirty pants out of the laundry basket and
    put them back in her knicker draw. She's
    downstairs now and I've just done another
    three pairs..." (tell me about the rabbits)


-------------------------------------------------

: MUMMY, THE CILLIT BANG HURTS MY EYES
  It's funny names corner

  You know the score. Each week we complain 
  that we're bored to the back-teeth of funny
  names, and each week you send more and 
  more. 

  And you fucking love it. Only yesterday 
  we were wandering about Kentish Town when we
  bumped into one of our lovely readers who
  said, "Yeah! Love the funny names stuff,
  I was a school with this guy called Kerr,
  just like that Wayne Kerr bloke last week."
  He also asked us confusing questions about
  how to make a disco light-show, but we
  ignored that bit. (Hello Mark.)

  Ok. You want this bilge, so you are going
  to get it.


  >> Company Cunt Trio <<
  This week you've found three UK companies
  with lady-sex-bit inspired names, we've
  got T.WATTS & SONS in Middlesex,
  VAG HOLDING LIMITED in Yorkshire and
  the more obvious K.Z. KUNTZ INTERNATIONAL
  LIMITED  in Southend on Sea. If you want
  more of this rubbish then visit company
  record site, ukdata.com and type in the
  swearwords of your choice. You sad muppets.


  >> Obvious George W Bush is thick jibe <<
  Call us cynical, but Bush doesn't make
  us laugh. Not the twee fence-sitting of
  JibJab's "This land is mine" or the photos
  of Dubya reading childrenís books up-side-down,
  however, despite our jaded world view,
  we couldn't help ourselves having a little
  grin at this one. SHEESH! You have us.
  We're never going to be free of this stuff. In
  20 years time we'll be booked in TVs I Love
  2005 and have to trot out the same crap.
  DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE DEAR READERS? WHAT
  YOU'VE DONE TO US!
http://www.cia.gov/cia/information/bush.html


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: B3TA VIDEO TOP FOUR
  der duh deh duh! (t t t t)

  Hey pop cunts! Here's the best video shit we've
  seen this week. If we were running the God
  Channel these would be on a continual loop.


  #1 BREAKDANCING THALIDOMIDE VICTIM
  In the 1960s, mum-ladies didn't want the pain
  of morning sickness and turned to super-science
  to give them magic-drugs. Sadly it had the side
  effect of producing children with less limbs
  than the normally requisite four. Doesn't stop
  them break-dancing though. See him go. Wheee!
http://dickcream.com


  #2 MENTAL CAT DRUMMER
  Hardcore webbers will have seen the Americas
  Funniest Home Videos style clip of the cat
  boxing a childís head, but this remix is
  relentless, hardcore and made us do the
  laughter spunk.
http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=catdrum


  #3 MORE BREAKDANCING - THIS TIME WITH A POPE
  We've got a new Pope. Okay, he was a member
  of Hitler Youth and served in World War
  II with the Nazis, but as he's about 78,
  hopefully he won't be about too long.
  Anyway, remember Jean Paul in style, with
  this fine clip of the one-time catholic
  tsar blessing break dancers. Oh - and £50
  to the first B3ta person who can get the
  new one  to bless Carol Decker, or some
  other vacuous cretin.
http://snipurl.com/dw2p


  #4 NINTENDO CHOIR
  Nintendo can do no wrong in our eyes, we're
  fucking fan-boys. If you haven't bought a
  DS yet, then get to the shops - and make sure
  you get a copy of Warioware too: you'll have
  the biggest party in your hands since you first
  discovered digital stimulation. Anyhows,
  check these choir fools singing the Mario
  theme. We wanted to hate them (for being
  choiry twats) but love it, anyway.
http://gprime.net/video.php/nintendothemesacappella


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: NSFW CORNER
  Stuff to fwap over

  >> Fake cunt <<
  Back when we were students, we knew a lovely
  man called Mohammed Abdul Hameed. His first
  party trick was too pop his boy-cock betwixt
  his legs and pretend to be a lady. (His second
  involved leaving glasses of piss around the
  flat and on questioning, enthusiastically
  stating, "woo!") Anyway, even Mohammed never
  resorted to sellotape to complete the effect.
  Impressive stuff.
http://www.canal96.com/extra/strange/sexchange/


  >> Bukkake Bread <<
  We at B3ta are kings of bukkake. Christ, until
  a week ago we were the number 1 google search
  return for it. Actually. Sod this write-up,
  let's talk about B3ta owning Google for odd
  phrases. Wanking: number 4. Jailbait: number 3.
  Shemale: number 2. I love you: number 1.
  Anyway, enjoy these pics of spicy gingerbread 
  ladies, covered in oodles of man-icing.
  BTW: To the web marketing twats out there.
  Yes, we know this site only exists to boost
  the page-rank of some Viagra bollocks. But
  it's funny, so we don't care.
http://www.porn-bread.com/bukkake.htm


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Ambulance blog <<
  Haven't got much time for blogs at B3ta towers,
  we're quick-hit monkeys, and want a laugh
  in 15 seconds else we press the back key.
  But this is different. We spent a good five
  hours reading almost every word on this
  site and fucking loved it. It's a true-life
  account of working as an Ambulance driver,
  delving into the pivot of peoples emotional
  and physical crisisís. Publishers: sign
  up this guy to write a book, really - 
  you'd have a surprise hit on your hands.
http://randomreality.blogware.com/


  >> Google maps <<
  Every shitting website this week was banging
  on about the wonder of the UK version of the
  Google maps. Yes it is fantastic, and yes,
  if you work at streetmap / multimap / upmytwat,
  you should find a new job as your are SO going
  out of business, all true, but we were getting
  our jollies from typing silly things into the
  search. Like this one, to find the crappiest
  restaurants in London. (Oh, we're so posh, like
  we're pretending we eat in restaurants now.)
http://snipurl.com/e56s


  >> Camp geek home theatre <<
  Argh! Our brains asplode! We consider ourselves
  home-theatre twats at B3ta. We've got our
  42 inch plasma, and like nothing better than
  watching Pat Butcher astride our living room
  like the butch lezzer that she is. But not even
  us could be arsed to decorate the whole room
  sub-massage parlour stylee. Respect. 
http://theater.stevejenkins.com/gallery/complete/


  >> Cool tiny cars <<
  Cars are as dull as shit and only wankers
  drive them. That's why the bestest racing
  game is Mario Kart, i.e. one that dispenses
  with the nonsense of realism and gives us
  what the kids want: the ability to throw
  bananas at the other players. And following
  on, in a cock-eyed attempt attempt
  at being slick, check these cars, they're
  Mario Kart for real. Or some kind of insanely
  gay Japanese tiny tiny Smart car. You might
  get a couple of old-school laughs from
  the Engrish too.
http://snipurl.com/e6eg


  >> Secret TV pics <<
  This link was sent in asking us to basically
  laugh at the geeky bloke. But no, we actually
  found it pretty interesting. Apparently
  you can pick up foreign telly by attaching
  a ham-radio to your PC. Frankly the tech
  descriptions were beyond us, but if there
  are any readers out there who fancy giving
  it a go, we'd be interested to see the
  results.
http://www.g4nsj.co.uk/sstv.shtml


  >> Chinese melon carving <<
  If you're anal enough to read the credits
  on B3ta, you'll know the newsletter letter
  is mostly written by Rob (me) and Dave. Well,
  Dave is away this week (buying sex shoes
  in New York for his fancy Doctor woman).
  Anyway, he's the chap who likes sticking
  in arty links, and this fruit-art is one of his.
  Fuck knows what I can say about it, as
  "ooh can't I make pretty?" stuff bores me
  to tears. Enjoy.
http://www.americade.info/melons1.htm


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Puppies V Kittens

  The debate rages. Bums or tits? Wanking or
  spanners? Tony or those other two? We all know
  the only question that discerning readers
  are asking is... Puppies or kittens?
  
  Here's the puppies:
http://www.mytoller.net/photos/tollerbay/6w_misc.html

  Here's the kittens.
http://www.sirucats.com/


  You do the maths. Shit. Why can't we have a SMS
  PopIdol-style vote on this? We'd make a cocking
  fortune! (And with the TV special we might get
  a chance to do Tess Daly up the wrong-un.)


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK - II
  Things that made you cry
  
  There's some sad, sad stories told here. But
  you are reading the newsletter for some laughs
  on a Friday, so here's some of the funnier ones:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crybabies/

  * Priorities...
    "I had to inform a lady that we could not
    revive her husband of 62 years. I sat with her
    and consoled her as best I could. "You must
    have loved him very much", I asked. Through
    a torrent of tears and uncontrollable sobbing
    she replied, "To be honest he was a mean and
    vicious bastard - always hitting me and not
    a gentleman in the bedroom at all. I grew to
    hate him." Some of what she told me beggared
    belief. Saddened as I was, I maintained my
    professional composure and relative detachment
    as best I could... It was whilst I was walking
    back to my ambulance that I failed to notice
    the concrete kerbing, tripped and impacted my
    knee on a jagged rock, somehow also twisting
    my scrotum as I fell... Now _that_ brought the
    tears to my eyes." (emadex)
 
  * Chilli
    "New bird, invited her over for dinner, cook my
    patent veggie fajitas, featuring nice fresh
    chillis. Decide to grab a quick shower so as
    to be all sparklin' on the off chance she gets
    drunk enough to sleep with me. Now then - we
    all know chaps should never go out with a loaded
    gun if there's the slightest chance of knocking
    boots, don't we? 30 seconds in... all it's like
    the RAF has called in half a dozen napalm strikes
    onto my bellend. Cry? Nearly fucking shat myself
    the pain was so bad. Cue an excruciating evening
    of crossed legs, wincing, watering eyes and
    constant trips to the bog to dip my cock in a
    sink of cold water." (Grouch)

  * Sandwich
    "The last time I cried was Sunday when I spent
    almost 15 minutes making a perfect sandwich, then,
    as I was walking into the living room, I tripped
    over my cat and my sandwich went all over the
    floor and my fucking cat started eating it."
    (Kerflabjeje)
    
  >> This Week's Question <<
	
  We'd like your holiday stories. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/holidays/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Accident Waiting to Happen'
  Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Two weeks ago we wanted you to show us stuff
  guaranteed to end in tragedy and disaster.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/accident/

  We asked b3ta boarder Maiden to judge the
  entries - here are her 3 faves.

  Maiden writes -

  #1 Pissed-off Stormtrooper - This is b3ta comedy
     at it's best, albeit a repost it's a worthy
     one simply because it features Stormtroopers
     and Lord Vader in a slapstick situation, one
     simply couldn't ask for more. (Manic)
http://b3ta.com/board/4471450

  #2 Comedy Offices - Smallbrainfield has hummus
     coming out of his ears and I hate him for it.
     If there was ever a pratfall/slapstick/
     accident waiting to happen situation then
     he's encapsulated the lot in one office block.
     (Smallbrainfield)
http://b3ta.com/board/4482433

  #3 Angry Bees - Anybody who keeps angry bees
     next to the jam is just asking for trouble,
     surely angry bees belong in the fridge or
     next to the angry hornets. Haha
http://b3ta.com/board/4476658

  As seems fitting with challenge judging
  tradition a special mention goes out to JimmerUK
  for his twist upon an old classic meme, very
  stylishly handled although perhaps a little
  unreal as there is no parts of a bridge visible.
http://b3ta.com/board/4516179


  Results from the 'Space Monkey' Challenge

  Last week, we wanted you to show us the exciting
  lives and adventures of Nasa's space monkeys.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spacemonkeys/

  We asked b3ta boarder Dave The Hat to judge this
  time - here are his 3 faves.

  Dave writes -

  #1 Star Man-drill - Hummus, Top-shoppery and a
     crap pun. Great! (Darryn.R)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4524579

  #2 Emergency on the planet of the Giant Bananas - 
     Excellent animation, backgrounds and shadows.
     Oh! and banana is a alien! (Quelabra)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4534448

  #3 No wonder they're so red - I had a last minute
     mind change for this. Just great animation and
     hummus!
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4536365

  Honorary mention to Greblord for his Tip-top
  Vader Shop.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4532619


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor Reckless_Rik gave us
  the suggestion, "Crappy Movie Merchandise"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moviemerchandise/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * APACHE MAN NAMED - we featured a mustached
    Dane playing a disco version of  The Shadows'
    Apache. The Danish press has been going
    mental for it, tracking down the culprit
    to 70s Eurovision Song Contest contestant
    Tommy Seebach, with TV2 Nettavisen describing
    his performance as "probably the worst music
    video of the 70s." A difficult choice as no
    one made a good pop video until Ultravox's
    Vienna.


  * COFFEE COCKS - we asked you to draw penises
    in poncey latte froth, and MrLipring gushes,
    "I got my girlfriend - who works in a coffee
    shop/web cafe - make a latte art thing of a
    cock. She did a sterling job, and there's
    even a little jet of spunk." Woo. Our kind
    of lady. 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrlipring/8857633/


  * CILLIT BANGED TO RIGHTS - we recently revealed
    that hardcore cleaning sensation Cillit Bang
    wasn't quite as effective on coins as the
    adverts would have you believe. The ad has
    been pulled for being "oversimplified"
    by the Advertising Standards Agency after
    26 complaints. Re-live the magic via
    the remix.
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/03/cillit-bang-remix.html


  * BLACKED-UP STARS IN THEIR EYES - a full
    mailbox from our Australian cousins,
    Johnny_Twosprouts jabbers, "ten years ago,
    there was a Asian guy who did a cracking Tom
    Jones complete with a Nunchuka demonstration."
    whilst djkl buts in, "it's called Star Struck
    here, has completely tanked, complete with a
    blonde old white slapper done up as Tina Turner
    circa Mad Max 3 Beyond Thunderdome, and a
    Polynesian bloke covered in chocolate to do
    Barry White." Ripper. Those dingo-gobblers
    sure know how to do TV.


  * TREE FUCKER, FOUND -  xtine confesses, "I wanted
    to thank you for putting the link to the
    registered sex offenders. I found out that a man 
    who lives on the street behind me was convicted
    of crimes against nature. I think I will move
    before I see some random dude humping a tree
    in my back yard. Thanks B3ta." Yay. Now set 
    a honey-trap using a provocative young sapling
    in a mini-skirt.


  * MORE NOKIA SMS GAMES - Cts texts with his
    over-large thumb, "with predictive text turned on,
    write coal. Now for the fun bit - press the
    asterisk button to change the word. Now press it
    again." Ha ha. We like this.


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Meow busters

  It's raining kittens in this game'n'watch-esque
  test of reflexes. What at first seems like
  innocent fun soon shows its true colours as you
  are rewarded with broken paws and kitten viscera
  if you fail to stop the plummeting felines
  gravity challenged fate. 
http://www.mousebreaker.com/games/mmeoww/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SELLOTAPE MAN - cover your entire body in
    tape. Take lots of photos. Especially of your
    raw skin afterwards.

  * NIPPLE COCKS - made from foam-filled cloth
    with a ball-bearing for weight. Attach to
    sleeveless shirt, for spiny gay club dancing.
    Video required for this.

  * USB BARBIE - the head pulls off to make
    a memory stick. We just like the idea of her
    dismembered head poking out the side of a 
    PC. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  some help from Mike and Ben.
  Links sent in by tom jeffs, rouadec,
  chrispickford, moogman, Olembe, loony_toon666,
  nstokeo, Arksworld, Mobius, Kate Factorial,
  giro_1, flobble_1, zen22568, Lawrence Cooke,
  black moon, ralfschnabel1, and Barnaclese.
  Top Tippery by Ben Wheatley.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the b4ta. With notepad.
  (101814 - 24551)


-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Upgrade your NTL broadband connection from
  750k to 2mb by simply phoning them up and
  asking them to turn it on. They've got a 
  free upgrade thing and they've been keeping
  it secret. The cunts.

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