NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 179: "INTRODUCING THE PHALLIC LOGO AWARD"
This Week:
* EXPERIMENT - how many wanks to the moon?
* DESIGN - Phallic Logo Awards
* KITTEN WARS - Who's the cutest?
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 179 - 29 Apr 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue179/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Evian Snowball Election
Forget those dodgy opinion polls. Evian have
come up with a far better way to judge the mood
of the nation. Get your own back on the wannabe
rulers of ol’ Blighty by taking them out with
a well-aimed snowball.
http://www.evianliveyoung.com/html/play.html
>> Sponsor the newsletter <<
Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Wankometer, 2CV transformer, Kitten wars
>> Wank experiment <<
"I've conducted this little scientific
experiment", pants Malchick, "with my wanks."
Fucking hell. Young Malchick attached a
pedometer to his wrist and masturbated his
own cock to fruitition twenty times. And drew
graphs. And calculated how many wanks it
would take to get to the moon. We haven't
laughed so hard in ages.
http://www.feralweb.com/fwap.htm
>> 2CV robot break dancer <<
"I blew about 60 men...", boasts MECHALEX,
"...hours of my life on this stupid animation."
Ah yes. Do you see what we did there? We broke
his sentence in two to imply that our talented
animator friend likes suckling cocks. Anyway,
his video is a take on the famous Renault advert
that turns into a Transformer. He's remade it
frame-by-frame with a shitter car. This is so
slick we thought it was the real advert for
a moment.
http://www.themoog.f2s.com/2CV.wmv
>> Kitten War <<
It had to happen, first there was hotornot and
then there was ratemykitten, i.e. take a mechanic
that works for pictures of pretty ladies and
apply it to kittens. B3ta old schoolers Tomsk
and Fraser have been busy applying the "pickthehottie"
method to photos, with the user picking the
cutest photo, and indeed bringing in the kittens.
Top stuff.
http://kittenwar.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: THE PHALLIC LOGO AWARD
Water Aid
The game designers across the nation are
playing is; can they design a logo and get
it approved without the client realising
it's a big spurting penis.
This week's winner is "teaching your black
grandmother to suck taps" charity Water
Aid.
Look. See. It's a huge ejaculating
pork sword.
http://www.wateraid.org.uk/
If you've seen a company logo that looks like
rude bits (maybe even some testicles for
our coveted Logo-nads award) then get in touch.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Guess the Google Image Game <<
Guess the random word from the image montage
assembled by google. We've seen quizzes like
this before, but this one is so slick we couldn't
help enjoying it and wanting to show it off.
http://www.weavedigital.com/guess-the-google
>> Elvis Presley hairball <<
Just about any religious nut can see the Virgin
Mary in the clouds, or Mother Theresa's face on
a scone. But it takes a specal kind of rock'n'roll
fan to witness the face of the King himself in a
hairy bit of cat sick. And now it can be yours
to keep for the miserly sum of $127.00.
http://snipurl.com/e6mt
>> Coke + chocolate = flame <<
Surely the world's most redundant survival tip:
You how to make fire using only a drinks can and
some chocolate. If you already have sweets and
fizzy pop then you're hardly in imminent danger.
Probably of some interest to the budding office
pyromaniac though.
http://snipurl.com/e7he
>> Tetris - the board game <<
We haven't got a clue how this would work. Frankly,
we're hoping someone will buy it and kindly explain
it to us. But we're very pleased that it exists.
Now we're holding out for Donkey Kong with real
monkeys.
http://snipurl.com/ek5h
>> Russian Viagra heavy-duty test <<
Russian fun, as a bloke decides to test out
the relative efficacy of the main erectile
dysfunction drugs by having sex with raddled old
prostitutes and then rating his own performance.
A harrowing, really harrowing read, but still
managed to hold our interest.
http://www.exile.ru/2005-March-25/feature_story.ht...
>> Photo-gurning <<
Initially there's nothing special about this
collection of someone's party pictures. That is,
until you notice that the smiling girl in the
middle of all the pics seemingly only has one
facial expression. Maybe it's a Botox party.
Whatever the reason, it's increasingly unnerving.
http://snipurl.com/ek5j
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Fantastic moonwalking bird
Birds scare us, there wasn't a bird in the
world we thought cute until we saw this little
South African chap doing the moonwalk. Ad
directors! Don't bother brainstorming any more
worthless ideas this afternoon. This is your
new campaign. Here. Free. Just send the cheques
to the usual address.
http://snipurl.com/eahh
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Pop names, Modern Toss TV & Camilla t-shirts
>> Pop names quiz <<
Duran Duran got their name from the Jane Fonda
wank flick Barbarella. Pearl Jam are named after
a particularly fruity description of semen. If
this anorak trivia floats your boat, then you'll
be on a sea of delight in Monkeon's pop quiz.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/popnames/
>> Modern Toss <<
Long term readers will remember a rude little
cartoon we featured two years ago. The creators
have been busy since, making a hit book of their
comic this Christmas, and now following with a
pilot on Channel 4. Our very own Ben Wheatley
had a hand in the editing, and has sneaked out
a few clips for you to watch before the show
is on telly.
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/04/modern-tos...
>> Camilla horse t-shirt <<
Several weeks ago we linked to Chicago Dave's
royal-baiting photoshop. It's been all over the
web, even reaching the front page of UK tabloid
The Star. Seeing an opportunity to raise a few
quid for his orphaned babies, he's teamed up
with Spice to flog a few shirts.
http://www.spice.co.uk/b3ta.php
-------------------------------------------------
: THE FEATURE WE CAN'T KILL
It's funny names corner
* Vagina Tandoori - a restaurant.
http://www.kungfoo.com/index.php/photos/1529
* Arcelik - the company.
http://www.arcelikas.com.tr
* Harry C Beaver - the man.
http://www.hcbmdbom.medem.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
It was a great holiday, but...
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you to tell us about your
holiday holocausts:
http://b3ta.com/questions/holidays/
#2 "It was a great holiday, but it was full of
foreigners." (project-2501 )
#1 A disgusting story about arse carrots that's
too long to include. Here's the link:
http://b3ta.com/questions/holidays/post30080/
#3 "I was young and naive, about 11, and there
was this lovely Welsh girl that we met.
We got on well, but she kept asking me if
I wanted to go for a walk. I was getting
enough exercise in the swimming pool I
told her." Awww. How sweet.
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like we're doing an international survey
on bunking off work. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bunking_off/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Movie Merchandise Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted crappy movie merchandise
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moviemerchandise/
We asked B3ta boarder Muu to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Muu writes -
#1 "Ray: The First Person Shooter - Surely
winning the compo will be a great incentive
for going straight to Hull! Brilliantly
executed and the direct result of a coffee-
monitor interaction. (Alffarr)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4538178
#2 "Absorbing the Crimson Tide - Despite the
graphic mental images, such an easy joke
made me laugh far too much. This one's for
the ladies! (Onion Terror)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4541219
#3 "'The Shining' brand Mr. Sheen - For all
your axe-murdering needs! I love ads that
actually show the usefulness of a product.
(MikeyIsDead)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4542051
The honourable mention goes to the inimitable
Dave the Hat for the hands-down most horrifying
punnage I've ever seen in my time on B3ta.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4550703
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator commanded
that we solve "The Mysteries of the Universe"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mysteries/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ENDLESS SMS COCK GAMES - last week we
mentioned that predictive text turns the
word coal into cock (and then anal), reader
SusK writes, "I once accidentally texted my
boyfriend expressing interest in his rock hard
coal. He laughed for about seven years and my
secret fossil-fuel fetish was revealed. I just
thought I'd share."
* B3TA OWNS GOOGLE - just a quick message in
response to 'search for b3ta' bit in the last
newsletter. Search 'i fucked my mates younger
sister with downs syndrome' and you're
number 4. Congratulations!" Woo. Anyone else
find anything really disgusting we get a
good search return for?
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Kittens and squares
>> Kitten rubber-band attack <<
Defend your home from an infestation of horribly
cute kittens by shooting them down with rubber
bands from your fingers. Satisfying kitten-flick
action.
http://games.leenks.com/
>> Bridge the grid <<
This apparently simple board-crossing game is
actually a little shitter. We haven't beaten
it yet and that makes us feel sad.
http://www.gamesgnome.com/dynamicpuzzles/bridges/
-------------------------------------------------
: POETRY PLEASE
With Dave & Rob
We got a bit distracted whilst writing the
newsletter this week and wrote a poem. Enjoy.
Harmonica Veronica
She calls my rhymes moronica
Gonna blow that organ up her cunt
And wish her happy honika
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* B3TA's SHORTEST READER - are you a dwarf?
Send us your photo with you reading our
newsletter. To scale.
* NO POEMS - just because we've shown you
ours, that doesn't mean we want to see
yours. Remember, we're trained professionals.
* RAM MAN - eat some discarded memory chips.
Shit out the shards of silicon. Wipe the
results on your face and scream, "I AM
RAM MAN!" Remember to video it.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Special thanks to Paul Sethi.
Links sent in by Jim Sweet (a conversation
about 8 years ago), Evil Prof. Pixel Masher,
mofaha, spanishcatfish, A bit Manchester, Me!!!,
Hankster, superherosarah, DeXien, stu.meechan,
greg, adamchap, Jenthegr8, Mr Wheatley & tom.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is away. Rob is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the pretty b4ta virgins.
(101880 - 24621)
-------------------------------------------------
: TOP TIP:
"Dear sexy omnipotent b3tapeople," purrs
tr1nity (male, 56, 4 foot 11 for all we know),
"If you're sitting near someone who's smoking
and you don't want the smoke in your face,
lighting a candle and setting it in front of
you will get rid of a good deal of it. The
heat and such blows the smoke upward."
