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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 179: "INTRODUCING THE PHALLIC LOGO AWARD"

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This Week:
* EXPERIMENT - how many wanks to the moon?
* DESIGN - Phallic Logo Awards
* KITTEN WARS - Who's the cutest?

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 179 - 29 Apr 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue179/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Evian Snowball Election

  Forget those dodgy opinion polls. Evian have
  come up with a far better way to judge the mood
  of the nation. Get your own back on the wannabe
  rulers of olí Blighty by taking them out with
  a well-aimed snowball.
http://www.evianliveyoung.com/html/play.html


  >> Sponsor the newsletter <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Wankometer, 2CV transformer, Kitten wars

  >> Wank experiment <<
  "I've conducted this little scientific
  experiment", pants Malchick, "with my wanks."
  Fucking hell. Young Malchick attached a 
  pedometer to his wrist and masturbated his
  own cock to fruitition twenty times. And drew
  graphs. And calculated how many wanks it
  would take to get to the moon. We haven't 
  laughed so hard in ages. 
http://www.feralweb.com/fwap.htm 


  >> 2CV robot break dancer <<
  "I blew about 60 men...", boasts MECHALEX,
  "...hours of my life on this stupid animation."
  Ah yes. Do you see what we did there? We broke
  his sentence in two to imply that our talented
  animator friend likes suckling cocks. Anyway,
  his video is a take on the famous Renault advert
  that turns into a Transformer. He's remade it
  frame-by-frame with a shitter car. This is so
  slick we thought it was the real advert for
  a moment.
http://www.themoog.f2s.com/2CV.wmv


  >> Kitten War <<
  It had to happen, first there was hotornot and
  then there was ratemykitten, i.e. take a mechanic
  that works for pictures of pretty ladies and
  apply it to kittens. B3ta old schoolers Tomsk
  and Fraser have been busy applying the "pickthehottie"
  method to photos, with the user picking the
  cutest photo, and indeed bringing in the kittens.
  Top stuff.
http://kittenwar.com/


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: THE PHALLIC LOGO AWARD
  Water Aid

  The game designers across the nation are
  playing is; can they design a logo and get 
  it approved without the client realising
  it's a big spurting penis.

  This week's winner is "teaching your black
  grandmother to suck taps" charity Water
  Aid.

  Look. See. It's a huge ejaculating
  pork sword.
http://www.wateraid.org.uk/

  If you've seen a company logo that looks like
  rude bits (maybe even some testicles for
  our coveted Logo-nads award) then get in touch.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.


  >> Guess the Google Image Game <<
  Guess the random word from the image montage
  assembled by google. We've seen quizzes like
  this before, but this one is so slick we couldn't
  help enjoying it and wanting to show it off.
http://www.weavedigital.com/guess-the-google


  >> Elvis Presley hairball <<
  Just about any religious nut can see the Virgin
  Mary in the clouds, or Mother Theresa's face on
  a scone. But it takes a specal kind of rock'n'roll
  fan to witness the face of the King himself in a
  hairy bit of cat sick. And now it can be yours
  to keep for the miserly sum of $127.00.
http://snipurl.com/e6mt


  >> Coke + chocolate = flame <<
  Surely the world's most redundant survival tip:
  You how to make fire using only a drinks can and
  some chocolate. If you already have sweets and
  fizzy pop then you're hardly in imminent danger.
  Probably of some interest to the budding office
  pyromaniac though.
http://snipurl.com/e7he


  >> Tetris - the board game <<
  We haven't got a clue how this would work. Frankly,
  we're hoping someone will buy it and kindly explain
  it to us. But we're very pleased that it exists.
  Now we're holding out for Donkey Kong with real
  monkeys.
http://snipurl.com/ek5h


  >> Russian Viagra heavy-duty test <<
  Russian fun, as a bloke decides to test out
  the relative efficacy of the main erectile
  dysfunction drugs by having sex with raddled old
  prostitutes and then rating his own performance.
  A harrowing, really harrowing read, but still
  managed to hold our interest.
http://www.exile.ru/2005-March-25/feature_story.html


  >> Photo-gurning <<
  Initially there's nothing special about this
  collection of someone's party pictures. That is,
  until you notice that the smiling girl in the
  middle of all the pics seemingly only has one
  facial expression. Maybe it's a Botox party.
  Whatever the reason, it's increasingly unnerving.
http://snipurl.com/ek5j


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Fantastic moonwalking bird

  Birds scare us, there wasn't a bird in the
  world we thought cute until we saw this little
  South African chap doing the moonwalk. Ad 
  directors! Don't bother brainstorming any more
  worthless ideas this afternoon. This is your
  new campaign. Here. Free. Just send the cheques
  to the usual address.
http://snipurl.com/eahh

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Pop names, Modern Toss TV & Camilla t-shirts

  >> Pop names quiz <<
  Duran Duran got their name from the Jane Fonda
  wank flick Barbarella. Pearl Jam are named after
  a particularly fruity description of semen. If
  this anorak trivia floats your boat, then you'll
  be on a sea of delight in Monkeon's pop quiz.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/popnames/


  >> Modern Toss <<
  Long term readers will remember a rude little
  cartoon we featured two years ago. The creators
  have been busy since, making a hit book of their
  comic this Christmas, and now following with a
  pilot on Channel 4. Our very own Ben Wheatley
  had a hand in the editing, and has sneaked out
  a few clips for you to watch before the show
  is on telly. 
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/04/modern-toss-1.html


  >> Camilla horse t-shirt <<
  Several weeks ago we linked to Chicago Dave's
  royal-baiting photoshop. It's been all over the
  web, even reaching the front page of UK tabloid
  The Star. Seeing an opportunity to raise a few
  quid for his orphaned babies, he's teamed up
  with Spice to flog a few shirts.
http://www.spice.co.uk/b3ta.php


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: THE FEATURE WE CAN'T KILL
  It's funny names corner

  * Vagina Tandoori - a restaurant.
http://www.kungfoo.com/index.php/photos/1529 

  * Arcelik - the company.
http://www.arcelikas.com.tr

  * Harry C Beaver - the man.
http://www.hcbmdbom.medem.com/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  It was a great holiday, but...

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
  lies into one handy place on the interweb.

  Last week we asked you to tell us about your
  holiday holocausts:

http://b3ta.com/questions/holidays/

  #2 "It was a great holiday, but it was full of
     foreigners." (project-2501 )


  #1 A disgusting story about arse carrots that's
     too long to include. Here's the link:
http://b3ta.com/questions/holidays/post30080/    


  #3  "I was young and naive, about 11, and there
      was this lovely Welsh girl that we met.
      We got on well, but she kept asking me if
      I wanted to go for a walk. I was getting
      enough exercise in the swimming pool I
      told her." Awww. How sweet.


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like we're doing an international survey
  on bunking off work. Talk to us here:

http://b3ta.com/questions/bunking_off/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from Movie Merchandise Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted crappy movie merchandise
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moviemerchandise/

  We asked B3ta boarder Muu to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Muu writes -

  #1 "Ray: The First Person Shooter - Surely
      winning the compo will be a great incentive
      for going straight to Hull!  Brilliantly
      executed and the direct result of a coffee-
      monitor interaction. (Alffarr)	
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4538178

  #2 "Absorbing the Crimson Tide - Despite the
      graphic mental images, such an easy joke
      made me laugh far too much. This one's for
      the ladies! (Onion Terror)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4541219

  #3 "'The Shining' brand Mr. Sheen - For all
      your axe-murdering needs!  I love ads that
      actually show the usefulness of a product.
      (MikeyIsDead)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4542051

  The honourable mention goes to the inimitable
  Dave the Hat for the hands-down most horrifying
  punnage I've ever seen in my time on B3ta.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4550703


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator commanded
  that we solve "The Mysteries of the Universe"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mysteries/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ENDLESS SMS COCK GAMES - last week we
    mentioned that predictive text turns the
    word coal into cock (and then anal), reader
    SusK writes, "I once accidentally texted my
    boyfriend expressing interest in his rock hard
    coal. He laughed for about seven years and my
    secret fossil-fuel fetish was revealed. I just
    thought I'd share."


  * B3TA OWNS GOOGLE - just a quick message in
    response to 'search for b3ta' bit in the last
    newsletter. Search 'i fucked my mates younger
    sister with downs syndrome' and you're
    number 4. Congratulations!" Woo. Anyone else
    find anything really disgusting we get a 
    good search return for?


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Kittens and squares

  >> Kitten rubber-band attack <<
  Defend your home from an infestation of horribly
  cute kittens by shooting them down with rubber
  bands from your fingers. Satisfying kitten-flick
  action. 
http://games.leenks.com/?page=game&gid=47


  >> Bridge the grid <<
  This apparently simple board-crossing game is
  actually a little shitter. We haven't beaten
  it yet and that makes us feel sad.
http://www.gamesgnome.com/dynamicpuzzles/bridges/


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: POETRY PLEASE 
  With Dave & Rob
  
  We got a bit distracted whilst writing the
  newsletter this week and wrote a poem. Enjoy.

  Harmonica Veronica
   She calls my rhymes moronica
  Gonna blow that organ up her cunt
   And wish her happy honika


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * B3TA's SHORTEST READER - are you a dwarf?
    Send us your photo with you reading our
    newsletter. To scale.

  * NO POEMS - just because we've shown you
    ours, that doesn't mean we want to see
    yours. Remember, we're trained professionals.

  * RAM MAN - eat some discarded memory chips.
    Shit out the shards of silicon. Wipe the
    results on your face and scream, "I AM 
    RAM MAN!" Remember to video it.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Special thanks to Paul Sethi.
  Links sent in by Jim Sweet (a conversation
  about 8 years ago), Evil Prof. Pixel Masher,
  mofaha, spanishcatfish, A bit Manchester, Me!!!,
  Hankster, superherosarah, DeXien, stu.meechan,
  greg, adamchap, Jenthegr8, Mr Wheatley & tom.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is away. Rob is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the pretty b4ta virgins.
  (101880 - 24621)

  
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: TOP TIP:
  "Dear sexy omnipotent b3tapeople," purrs
  tr1nity (male, 56, 4 foot 11 for all we know),
  "If you're sitting near someone who's smoking
  and you don't want the smoke in your face,
  lighting a candle and setting it in front of
  you will get rid of a good deal of it. The
  heat and such blows the smoke upward."

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