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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 186: "JCB BALLET"

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This Week:
* FOOD - Fraser eats raw mince
* WEEBL - Mr Stabby returns
* GOOGLE - songs about your favourite site

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 186 - 17 Jun 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue186/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
 
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: ADVERT
  Smash the system, sartorially...

  Live8? Pah. Real agitators of social change
  don't trek all the way up to Edinburgh just to
  wave placards at European figureheads with a
  load of off-duty students. No, they sit right
  where they are with a pint, a knowing smile
  and a Teefly "MakeBonoHistory" t-shirt on
  full show...
http://www.teefly.com/


  >> Advertise in B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Raw mince, Mr Stabby, Students & Google

  >> Fraser eats raw mince <<
  We've been regularly tickled by the culinary
  prodigies of b3ta's official King of Food
  Fraser Lewry. But this time, perhaps he's gone
  too far. We fear for his safety as he prepares
  to tuck into the infamous Steak Tartare - a big
  pile of raw mince garnished with a raw egg.
  Revolting.
http://www.blogjam.com/2005/06/12/steak-tartare/


  >> Mister Stabby <<
  Jonti's bug-eyed psycho take a job in a piercing
  parlour. The joy of this series is in the way
  you can see the unfortunate pay-off coming a long,
  long way, but it still feels good when it happens.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Mr+Stabby+4/


  >> Student twat of the week <<
  We're being mean because we're actually rather
  jealous of b3tard Sunshine Elephant's snazzy
  new boudoir. Just look at his face says he's
  having more fun in bed than he ever thought
  possible with his clothes on.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4779347


  >> Google song <<
  In last week's newsletter, we said you wanted
  a song about Wikipedia or Google. Well, giant_squid
  and manwithunderpantsonhead have obliged with just
  exactly that. There are some great moments in this,
  but we were also laughing at the idea of Google
  commissioning this as viral marketing.
http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~pcxee/google_flash.htm


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: GREAT SONG BAD JINGLE AWARD
  Gino's Pizza

  We're huge fans of the crap jingle at B3ta
  towers, whilst writing this very newsletter
  we spent rather too much time reminiscing
  about a 80s TV pizza commercial that took
  the Dexy's Midnight Runners hit, Geno, and
  replace the words with "Piping hot pizza
  delivered direct to your door, oh Gino's."

  Try and sing it. It's irresistible. Sadly
  we can't find a copy of it online, and
  that's where you can help.

  Can you find a copy? Also what great songs
  do you remember that have been turned into
  rubbish jingles? Tell us and once we've got
  enough of them, we'll turn it into a lovely
  article for everyone to enjoy.

  Get in touch via the normal channels, trained
  operatives waiting for your email etc.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  I was drunk when I bought this...

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
 
  Last week we asked for things you'd bought
  whilst drunk:
http://b3ta.com/questions/drunkenpurchases/

  Here's list of those essential items you felt
  the need to buy after rolling home from the pub:
 
  * A tombstone, inscribed "braaaaaaiiiins"
    (£217, in case you were wondering)
  * Every bloody episode of Mork and Mindy.
  * A signed portrait of Darth Vader .
  * Bright pink vibrating nipple clamps, 1 pair.
  * 25 cubic feet of packing foam
  * My Russian Wife. Seriously.
  * 4,000 wardrobe and kitchen doors.
  * A Barbie bike and a suite at a London hotel.
  * A selection of Waffen SS recruiting posters.
  * A balaclava with 'Terrorist' on the front.
  * An online girlfriend who was "willing to email
    me, saying anything I wanted, no holds barred".
    I got her to write a 2000 word economics
    essay for me... It got me a grade D

  and finally
 
  * The world's scariest doll:
http://b3ta.com/questions/drunkenpurchases/post33601/


  >> This Week's Question <<

  Ever been in a difficult situation that someone
  has made worse for no good reason? This week
  Pollollups was strapped in an MRI scanner and
  forced to listen to Dido. We feel her pain:
http://b3ta.com/questions/noneedforthat/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Heavy digger love story <<
  Possibly the campest thing we've seen all week.
  Bloke is on his way to work when suddenly,
  helplessly falls in love with a digger and dances
  a tragic ballet.
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/06/jcb-ballet.html


  >> Psycho cyclist <<
  Like a cautionary tale of internet dating, this
  starts innocently, just a guy looking for
  someone to cycle-tour with, but rapidly
  descends into madness.
http://tinyurl.com/dkotz


  >> World's worst boob job <<
  Yeah, it's a porn site. And, yeah, it's
  supposed to be titillating (no pun intended).
  But we couldn't help marvelling at just what
  a kak-handed job the surgeons did with this
  poor model's unwieldy implants. NSFW. Clearly.
http://snipurl.com/fng5


  >> Pet star parrot <<
  Who could fail to be impressed by this talented
  parrot's appearance on US TV. Just when you think
  that's it, on comes another trick - culminating
  with a daring high-wire stunt.
http://snipurl.com/fng3


  >> Goatse logo of the week <<
  Yes, worryingly this seems to be turning into a
  regular feature. Check out the logo of Cayuga
  Nature Center's Team Challenge - adding a new,
  eye-watering wrinkle to the basic goatse motif.
http://www.cayuganaturecenter.org/teamchallenge/


  >> DIY web oddness <<
  YTMND is a site that lets anyone put up a short
  sound clip and accompanying picture. Anyone.
  The inevitable result of letting the nerds loose:
  minimalist genius. Here are three of the best:
  Vader's "Nooooo" running joke continues; a short
  clip of 'Mike Tyson's Punchout'; and corporate
  burger apologist Ronald McD with a new message
  for us all.
http://vaderfortune.ytmnd.com/
http://niggastolemybike.ytmnd.com/
http://everyoneaids.ytmnd.com/


  >> Pregnant animal pics <<        
  We started on this site wondering "What sort of
  freak collects pictures of pregnant animals?" Then
  we thought "Awww. Pregnant doggies." Then, again, we
  wondered what sort of freak amasses such a large
  collection of pregnant animal pictures...
http://wolfbar.servemp3.com/preganimal/


  >> Indignant pup <<
  Possibly a contender for Cute Thing of the week,
  but the real appeal is in the absolute look of
  dismay on the poor little dog's face. Also worth
  a look if you too need a Santa costume for your
  dog.
http://snipurl.com/fng6


  >> iPod toilet <<
  In a little dig at the Apple Mac community, this
  guy has scooped the gubbins out of one of those
  little mac minis and turned it into a toilet-roll
  dispenser. Take that you geeks!
http://www.bit-tech.net/news/2005/06/10/itoilet_mod/


  >> "Am I normal?" <<
  Incredibly bad place to go to for advice: post
  your story and random web users tell you if
  you're normal or not. Like they'd know. We did
  enjoy this gem though. "Whenever I see a picture
  of bell (sic) gibson I get real horny and then
  I go over to my dogs, make them roll over and
  then I stare at their balls for an hour. its
  like I'm in a trance or something, the weird thing
  is I am a straight guy who is married." Normal.
http://isitnormal.com/normal.php


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: SOMETHING TO MAKE
  Origami Yoda

  It's British summertime out there, but, just in
  case it rains, here's something cool to make.
  We're pretty lazy though - can someone make us
  one and send it in. We admit, that's largely
  why we featured this...
http://www.pajarita.org/aep/internacionales/intern2-1.pdf


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Baby leopard behind the sofa
 
  A leopard about the house, playing in the kitchen,
  running down the stairs, hiding behind the couch.
  Who could resist? We want one now!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/fuzzybutt/15177234/in/set-4348/

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: HUMAN ZOO
  Woman mask man
 
  Jessica Trance welcomes you to his world of
  illusion: A gallery of him dressed as a lady
  and wearing a particularly alarming mask of
  a girl's face. What makes it unusually
  disturbing is that it has completely flat
  features, "to enhance the effect" as he explains
  in his surprisingly engaging write-up.
http://www.jessicatrance.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Inside Factories' Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us how things
  are really made.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/factories/

  We asked b3ta boarder Mutated Monty to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Monty writes -

  #1 "Fluffy balls - Brilliant, ridiculous and
      entirely plausible. So much so that I now
      believe it to be true. (Spacehog)
www.b3ta.com/board/4761722

  #2 "Crunchy nob-collars - I can't help but
      laugh at mutilated penises, even when I'm
      eating them. (burger breath)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4757186

  #3 "Mushy Peas - A work of pure joy and
      loveliness. It even makes me forget how
      horrible mushy peas are." (giant_squid)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4766904

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator has demanded
  "Celebrities and Their Pets"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/celebritypets/


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: CD BURN
  Songs to never make love by

  * Too much drama - Chariots of Fire
  * Too needy - God Only Knows What I'd Be
    Without You
  * Dribbling penis metaphor - While My Guitar
    Gently Weeps
  * Making her paranoid - You're the One For
    Me Fatty
  * Too celebratory - Simply the Best / We Are
    the Champions
  * The wrong kinda of sleazy - I Wanna Sex You Up
  * Just bestial - My Lovely Horse
  * Too much like gay role-play - You Think You're a
    Man
  * Roobarb & Custard theme - makes you want a poo.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TIE-DYE FAKE TAN - Screw your face up and
    liberally tan spray. The result should make
    your face look like a well-worn leather
    sofa.

  * POO WHISK - take a large dump and put a
    hand-held liquidiser into the bowl. That'll
    teach it.

  * LACTO MAN BLOG - men can produce milk with
    a combination of nipple stimulation and
    female hormones. Chart your progress.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by rich_tea2000, chthonic,
  deus_ed, pippy, llamalifter, king.speen,
  TooMuch2AM, mrtinybrain, LunaticInTheHall,
  Mwongozi, Lurchajn and *not logged in*
  Top Tippery by WhoElse
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the leaky b4ta plumbers. (103109 - 26768)
 
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  TOP TIP:
  When you're washing windows, use a vertical motion
  on one side, and a horizontal motion on the other.
  This way, you can tell which side any streaks are
  left on! Took us a while to actually figure out,
  but a clever trick.

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