NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 196: "PAUL DANIELS - WHITE SUPREMACIST?"
This Week:
* CALL FOR CONTENT - the Shitty Tagline awards
* IRONS - Man cooks breakfast with er... iron
* SATANISTS - Your chance to sire the Anti-christ
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 196 - 09 Sep 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue196/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Create, sell or buy unique t-shirts and gifts
From the crazy minds of B3ta to crazy frog fans
you can purchase some cool threads, mugs, bags
or mouse mats on Sp!ce today!
If you fancy selling YOUR ideas then why not
set up a shop with us for free and we'll
sell them on your behalf!
http://www.spice.co.uk
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: SHITTY TAGLINE AWARD
Royal Mail
We were out the other day when the postie tried
deliver a parcel. We were somewhat alarmed to
find he'd pushed a red bit of card through the
letterbox, branded with the slogan "With us it's
personal." Clearly inspired by the tagline to
Jaws: the Revenge (1987) and rather intimidating.
What next - "We know where you live?"
Which company has the worst tagline? Perhaps the
place where you work?
http://b3ta.com/mailus
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SATANISTS! This weekend is your last chance
to concieve if you want He Who Walks Backwards'
child born on 6/6/6. Any later and to be out then
he'd be premature and perhaps a bit weedy. Go
go Beelzebaby action.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Haribo, Irons & Best of newspaper pranks
>> Haribo sculpture - take II <<
Sean Stayt has applied his formidable skills to
last week's challenge: Make beautiful sculpture
from melted Haribo sweets. As you can see, it was
a glorious failure. Perhaps the hand of man is
not meant to fashion art from the mighty Haribo.
http://www.icandrawbetterthanyou.co.uk/sean/haribo...
>> Cooking with irons <<
Inspired by last week's feature on frying eggs
with mobile phones, Thomas Scott and chums went
one better, preparing a full English breakfast
with a steam iron as their only cooking device.
We can't wait to smell their freshly-ironed
shirts. Mmm. Porky.
http://www.thomasscott.net/iron/
>> Best of CCC <<
Comely prankster CCC has collected up the best
of his newspaper stunts, from the 'dogshit letters'
to 'Juanzo the Wolf Boy'. There's a load of good
stuff to read here, including his levitation
fixated small ads phase.
http://chrischrischris.blogspot.com/
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: ROBS TALK THING
Buy your tickets now
Rob is giving a talk on the history of b3ta and
would love you to come. It will be fun - you'll
get the chance to watch your Ginger Fuhrer
make a complete fool of himself, or possibly
even tell you some interesting stuff. And it's
in a pub. You can't lose.
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/345
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: ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS
A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush
* On a bottle of single-malt whiskey, "I have
a twelve year old upstairs and I am ready
to party."
* A mum on selecting corn on the cob from a
supermarket "I always peel back the skin
to see how fresh they are."
* On discussing vareities of goats cheese,
"This is a bit goatsy."
Submit your quimsical suggestions:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Dog shags Pokemon <<
Can this really be what it seems? The former
National Canine Defence League (now Dogs Trust)
a UK charity for, you guessed it, dogs, appears
to be trying to drum up support for this randy
little plushie-fucker. We'd adopt him - at least
he cleans up after himself.
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/09/dog-shags-...
>> Paul Daniels - white supremacist? <<
He's gone from pulling rabbits out of hats to
burning crosses outside black people's homes.
At least, this blog, purporting to be written
by the family favourite magician features a
standout quote about "a very camp waiter who,
although black, did not know the words to
'Ole Man River'."
http://journals.aol.co.uk/thepauldaniels/PaulDanie...
>> Korn Again <<
Former Korn guitarist Brian 'Head' Welch has
rejected rock and found God. And thank goodness
- otherwise we wouldn't have this fantastic
site, where the designers laid on the Christian
stuff so thick, even the scroll bars are little
cherubs - and Mr. Welch looks like a nut who
thinks he's Jesus. Also worth looking at the
CNN link that actually tells his story with a
little more compassion.
http://www.headtochrist.com/
>> "Mohammed was a paedophile" <<
Good old Jack Chick - we're long-time fans of
his demented comicbook rants about anything he
sees as anti-christian. This strip jumps out due
to the sheer, unwarranted spleen he vents against
Islam. And, yes, we were quoting him in the
headline.
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1054/1054_01.a...
>> Men doing dangerous things <<
A cheesy, but good, collection of pics of
people putting themselves in immense danger in
the defiance of simple common sense.
http://www.gophergas.com/funstuff/womenlivelonger2...
>> Bee dogs <<
In the tradition of 'does what it says in the
url' sites like 'Dogs in Cars' and 'Cats in
Sinks', comes this gallery of unfortunate hounds
decked out like bees. Dunno why this is so popular,
but who are we to question what is obviously a
massive, spontaneous tribute to Sting in dog
format?
http://beedogs.com/index_files/page0001.htm
>> "Where does my hole come out?" <<
If you've ever wondered (and we have) "If I dug
a really deep hole in my back garden, where in
the world would it come out?" then this site might
well be for you. You geek.
http://grad.icmc.usp.br/~cipriani/bighole.php
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Toilets
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you about the weird and
wonderful things that had happened to you in
the toilet. Most of you had poo-stories to tell,
and you can read them here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toilets/
* Newspapered toilet
"Went for a long overdue wee in a posh-looking
bar. Statues and paintings everywhere. Lots of
arty-looking types. 'Excuse me, where's the
bog?' I asked an overworked-looking barman,
elbows deep in glasses and hot water, who
casually nodded to the other side of the room.
Door with a familiar symbol on it. Enter.
Lock. Someone banging on door. Fuckit. Zip.
Wang. Relief. Zip up. Notice that the whole
WC is covered in newspaper. Everywhere.
Everything, toilet included. WTF? Open door,
exit. Met by a look of sheer horror on face
of an arty type. I'd pissed in his art display."
(pgfcello)
* More newspapered toilets...
"Moroccan toilets are famously bad; I blame
the French influence. On a coach to Marrakech,
we stopped for a loo break where they charged
you the equivalent of three quid to crouch over
a ceramic hole, behind a door made of woven
straw that had all the opaqueness of glass,
as a small, toothless, wizened old man leered
at you as you pulled your keks down. What's
more, 60 odd years before, my Grandmother was
stuck in the same situation (also in Morocco),
crouching down over a hole surrounded by newpaper.
Strangely, the paper laid on the floor was her
local newspaper back home in Blighty. Being a
bit bored, she started reading the bit between
her feet, and discovered her Brother had won
the pools." (niceandwarmandhot)
* It's shit.
"I am 23, staggering in to the kitchen of my
family home, fighting a hangover. I am wearing
my trusty towelling dressing gown, and nothing
else. I open the fridge door, with my back to
the rest of the kitchen. I thought I was alone.
I feel a rumbling. "Ah, I feel a little
windy-pop a-rising!" I happily sing to myself,
looking forward to the gas release relief.
I squeeze a little - too hard in hindsight -
and out pops a slimy, booze endued jobbie,
right on the kitchen floor. I am slightly
taken a back by this, but not overcome. That
was until I shut the fridge door, turn around
and see my Mum, Dad, Uncle, Auntie, Sister,
Gran and Grandpa sitting quietly having tea
and toasted crumpets." (T-Bone Sorbet Jnr)
Thanks also to PacheyPie for posting various
toilet signs. We like the one warning you about
the crocodiles:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toilets/post39188/
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about your in-laws,
mothers-in-law especially. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/inlaws/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Pimp My Pet Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to pimp up your pets.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmypet/
We asked b3ta boarder Zoot to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Zoot writes -
#1 "yeehaw! - It's a dog, driven by a cat,
and it bounces! What more needs to be said?
(mutated monty)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5072167
#2 "Pimp-o-matic - If you are going to pimp
it, then you need one of these! (Mr Logic)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5076634
#3 "Vicci - She was one of the few actual
pets entered, she was pimped to the max, and
has sadly shed her mortal coils since
becoming a b3ta star. We'll miss you, Vicci
the tarantula." (curis)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5077506
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor The Neville gave us
the suggestion, "Movie Posters Of Your Life"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/boringmovies/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BLACKING UP FOR B3TA - "I went to a fancy dress
party at the weekend," writes Kelly. "I didn't
spend the day blacked up, but I did drive through
Streatham and have to stop in traffic right
outside a big black wedding - my brother-in-law
wound the windows down, but I managed to get him
not to beep the horn. A few dirty looks came my way,
luckily though I managed to avoid being pounded
into the ground. This is what I looked like..."
http://snipurl.com/blackingup
* GEEK SONGS REDUX - Continuing our theme of nerds
setting their daily routine to pop music, the
lower orders are getting in on the act. Spassky
writes "I'm a window cleaner and I like to sing
the Phil Collins smash 'She's a Squeegee Lover'."
Furthermore Divstee recalls "I used to work in a
reprographics bureau. When one of the printers
ground to a halt we would sing 'Paper jam,
paper jam' to the tune of the Boney M hit
'Painter Man'."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WIKI AS A POLITICAL FORCE - each day we read
about another multi-national abusing the US
legal system to patent the obvious, and
stifling competition. We need a new charitable
orginisation that uses the power of the
community to find prior-art and raise
objections to each and every invalid patent
claim.
* A NEW BREED OF STUPID PEOPLE - some of our
favourite jokes are Irish. "Why do Irish
dogs have flat noses? They chase parked
cars" or even "Did you hear about the IRA
terrorist who came to London to blow up
a bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust
pipe." But apparently the potato munchers
get upset with this stuff. Who can we tell
our jokes about now?
* HUMAN YOGHURT - the production of yoghurt
is actually quite simple. Anyone fancy
trying to make it with breast milk? And
eating it?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by amcemoni, gregmuir, sebastian
winnett, alex.palmer, tomg, trev, el.rodente
and therubberbishop.
Top Tippery by PC Dave King.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Proofing by the slippy b4ta eels.
(104590 - 28687)
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TOP TIP:
Here's a suggestion from our local police: B3ta
HQ suffered a recent attempted break-in
Londons' finest suggested that instead of
putting bars on the windows, we install
window-boxes on the sills. Apparently they're
difficult to clamber over, hence putting
burglars off, and are more effective in cutting
crime than both alarms and grills.
