NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 199: "SHIT SPECIAL!"
This Week:
* ANIM - "If I Could Shit Out My Cock"
* VIDEO - River Phoenix's final moments
* CHALLENGE - Celebs on the shitter
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 199 - 30 Sep 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue199/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Mt Cock Shitter, Google Zoo & Walnuts
>> "If I Could Shit Out My Cock" <<
"I've been pondering", ponders your Ginger Fuhrer
"what life would be like if you could poo out
of your penis. I suspect it would be very good,
very good indeed." Woo. This is tale of fantastical
delight, and the visual is suprisingly safe for
work, if David Baddiel doesn't make you vomit.
http://www2.b3ta.com/if-i-could-shit-out-my-cock/
>> Space zoo <<
Remember that site, 'animals-on-the-underground'?
Where line drawings of ducks and rabbits can
be found on London tube-maps if you squinted a
bit? Abandonship and Skakingcody has taken on a
more amibitious version of the same idea. They're
asking you if you can see animals from space
using Google Earth software. They've already
found quite a few, maybe you can help find
a few more.
http://www.googleearthzoo.com
>> Walnut on a string <<
"Inspired by your idea of winding up squirrels,"
sprouts Steviemck, "I went fishing for them in the
Royal Botanic Gardens in Edinburgh. Apart from a
few confused tourists, nobody batted an eyelid
at squirrels chasing walnuts attached to invisible
thread."
http://www.rnicrosoft.co.uk/squirrel.cfm
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SHITTY FACT: Rabbits eat their own shit as a
normal part of metabolism.
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: HUMAN ZOO
Psycho shitter
Read this blog site where a chap tells his story
of a morbidly obese mental woman who shat everywhere.
And we mean everywhere. Revolting photos. This
website turned our stomach, we could taste the
faecal. Don't click this if you've just eaten,
about to eat, plan to eat, enjoy eating,
or require feeding.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/shiroioji/114944....
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: ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS
A teacher triple-quim special
* On teaching the basics of Unix in class,
"and see what happens when I finger myself."
* On giving a pre-exam pep-talk at an all boys
school, "I really don't think you're going
to be prepared for these exams. In fact,
some nights I'll be tossing in my bed just
thinking about you."
* On over-hearing pupils discussing why a
venus fly trap wouldn't bite your finger
off, "It's too slow. It's just liked being
sucked by an old man. I didn't mean it like
that, I meant it just feels like being
sucked by someone with no teeth."
Mail us your quims.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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SHITTY FACT: Wombats do square poos.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> River Phoenix RIP <<
River Phoenix died in the early 90s after
mixing heroin and cocaine in what sounds like
a fun drugs bender. Watch his final moments
re-enacted with plastic farm yard animals.
Better than it sounds, we were rather tickled
with this.
http://tinyurl.com/8yo85
>> How many condoms can I stick on my cock? <<
Coming on like those viral marketing sites for
Viagra, this site questions how many rubbers
you can stick on your old man? If a b3ta reader
would like to do this with a real penis, then
we'll be all ears.
http://www.myscienceproject.org/condoms.html
>> Is it real? Rent my daughter <<
The oldest and bestest game to play on the
internet is trying to work out whether a
website is real, or merely a wind-up. We had
an entertaining 20 minutes at b3ta HQ
discussing whether there really could be a
service that allows you to pimp your kids
to third parties for cash...
http://www.rentmydaughter.com/
>> Flora Bush <<
Apparently George Bush has a third daughter
who he's been hiding all these years
because she's a Democrat. Oh, and she's
also a pop-punk star with a new video to
watch on-line. Brilliant, brilliant bit
of promotion, but we were left a little
cold. Maybe you have to be an American.
http://www.florabush.com
>> Stickysheets <<
"I saw this ad on TV while on holiday in
New York", boasts bytheseashore, "it's for a
product called 'Sticky Sheets'. It's 100% legit,
and all the better for it. "Stick it! Rip it!
Done!" This is our new favourite ad. Can we
have some free product samples please? We'd
quite like to try it out.
http://www.stickysheets.com/
>> Amazing coin tricks <<
A guy doing tricks with coins and shotglasses.
Has to be seen to be believed. We're guessing
he's both well practiced and has quite a lot
of tries for some of the particularly hard ones.
Still, the amount of skill is pretty unbelievable.
http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php
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SHITTY FACT: The German colloquial term for
coprophilia is 'Kaviar'.
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: THE RETURN OF FUNNY NAME CORNER
The feature that never dies
"I was waiting for my lift to work this morning",
intones markwilfan, "when I saw this awesomely
innocent url on a gas van. Depends on how you
read it to how awesome it is!" Woo. Gave us a
giggle anyway.
http://www.northerngasheating.co.uk/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Police
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for your encounters with the
police:
http://b3ta.com/questions/police/
* Dogs
"My friend, as a new copper, was called to go
to a house where the occupier had been reported
for having relations with his dog in the back
garden. Did his superior officer arrest the
man for animal cruelty? No, apparently he
offered the following advice: "If you're going
to fuck your dog, don't do it in the fucking
garden where every fucker can see you, do it
in the fucking house so we don't waste our
fucking time chasing up sad fucking pervs
like you." (lawlam)
* On the run
"I was walking (well, staggering) home with
some mates past some roadworks. My mates did
the only sensible thing, which was to take the
biggest traffic cone and put it on my head.
Actually, it was big enough that it covered my
shoulders too; I couldn't see were I was going,
but staggered on regardless. A minute or two
later, I hear my mates calling "watch out! It's
the police! It's the police!" For some reason
I decided the best course of action would be
to cast off the cone, and run for it. Except
that the police were in a car, and I'm not
the fastest runner. I collapse on the pavement.
One of the policemen gets out of the car, and
says: "Did you really think we were going to
arrest you for having a traffic cone on your
head?" (P-Nuts)
* Jurisdiction
"My dad used to be a copper. One day he was
called to the local parachute school where a
bloke had plummetted to the ground after his
chute failed to open. This school is on the
border of two counties, so officers from both
forces turned up. As they stood over the
firmly embedded dead guy, my dad, who will do
anything he can to get out of paperwork,
decided the corpse wasn't in Nottinghamshire
and tried to get the other rozzer to deal with
it. The Leicestershire copper argues the body
was in Notts and therefore not his juristiction
either. After a heated argument, the OS map
comes out, they unfold it over the bonnet of
the panda car, then pace out the required
number of steps from a local landmark to
determine where the county boundary is in this
field. Turns out the stiff was in Leicestershire
by three paces. Me dad went home." (Sausagegirl)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to hear all about the most pretentious
event you've attended. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pretentious/
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SHITTY FACT: Adult blue whales shit out three
tonnes per-day.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Rebrand America Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you rebrand America and
make it great again.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rebrandamerica/
We asked b3ta boarder TBL to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
TBL writes -
"Re-branding was the keyword for this compo,
so my choices were narrowed down to a few that
were actually close to the brief...
#1 Fantastica - Simple, clean, tidy and something
I would have done myself if I could have been
arsed. (Green-Alsation)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5159859
#2 America.com - Again, keeping to the theme for
the compo, unlike an awful lot of stuff...
(The Boy T)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5155871
#3 Halliburton - And once more a nice simple
idea... a bit like me. Nice and simple.
(Beau Bo d'Or)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5149636
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator wants us to
envisage celebrities on the toliet.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebritytoilet/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WOMBAT ERRATA - last week we misidentified
a possum as a wombat. Half of Australia wrote
in to complain, mostly calling us "fucking
pommes", an example email: "that is actually
a picture of a possum - AKA ‘pissing tree rat’!
As such it shares 90% of its DNA with Danni
and not our beloved Kyles." Actually, here's
a screen grab of our inbox, so a big hello
to all our Antipodean readers, we didn't know
there were quite so many of you.
http://www2.b3ta.com/images/rob/wombats.png
* FRASER GETS FAN MAIL FROM PORN STARS -
several weeks ago we help launch Frasers
Kitten War site, and are both pleased to
see how well its done and that it's helped
his achieve a dream: getting email from a lady
who "won't work with anyone 8 or more inches".
http://www.blogjam.com/2005/09/11/asia-carerras-ca...
* POO STATION - DR A got in touch to point out
that he made last weeks Pop Station vid and
so it should have been in the b3ta people
section. He's also done a follow-up on an
equally shite Nintendo DS rip-off.
http://media.putfile.com/NeoDouble2
* ENDLESS HARIBO NONSENSE - pheadlessg claims,
"I think I might have made the world's biggest
Midget Gem using roughly four pounds of melted
down gummi bears." Very good, but please no
more Haribo stuff. Well, unless they want to
bung us billions of quid for all this tireless
promotion.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/pheadlessg/sets/99917...
* NUTTY EMAIL OF THE WEEK - Julian confesses,
"Incidentally, my wife and I regularly get out
our Oyster cards, place them over each other's
intimate areas, and make a "beepbeep" noise.
This is now the official way of saying "I'm horny"
in our household. Just wanted to share.." Ewww.
* UNEXPECTED CHEESE COMBOS - "I love to put
cheddar in my herbal tea", claims pipifax04-su,
"wait till it melts and then drink and chew it.
It's delicious!" Again with the ewww.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Geeky chess game
Can you cover all the points on a board using
only a knight? Remember, knights move in an
L-shape and are a little unpredictable. Like it.
http://www.troyis.com/troyis.php
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* INTERVIEW DAVID BLUNKET - ask serious
questions, but spend the whole time giving
him v's and wanker signs.
* SWEARY COINS - use a cleaning solution famous
for cleaning pennies and some ear buds, write
swear words on 2 pence pieces and spend them.
* BECOME A "SIR" - recently we read a tabloid
report on the 'Lotto Rapist' who apparently
is planning to buy a peerage via a website.
Googling about, it's clear that you can
do this with change from £20. Does anyone
fancy having a go? And then writing about
how people treat them differently?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by chrisknowles, voodoo_economics,
sally, veitchy, chris, Leningrad, harrybeaskins,
bytheseashore, psychodave, Mr. T, t.moday,
robin.bedford, Fraser and neil.
Top Tippery by moai and Jibbed.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Proofing by the woo b4ta yays.
(104816 - 29190)
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TOP TIP:
Blackheads? Ice cold vodka on cotton wool will
reduce pore size around and on the nose.
NOT THE TOP TIP:
Put your fingers in ears and blink fast. You're
now enjoying a 1930s silent movie.
