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NEWSLETTER: "DO TESCOS REALLY PROMOTE MUM-CHUFFING?"

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This Week:
* CILLIT BANG - is "shit" shocker!
* WEEBL - Goes goth
* EXPERIMENT - Do tin foil hats really work?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 205 - 18 NOV 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue205/

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: SPONSORED LINKS
  New BBC TV comedy & Domo-kun toys

  >> Man Stroke Woman on Sunday nights. <<
  No, not a quick fettle on the sofa before Match
  of the Day 2. Man Stroke Woman is a seriously
  funny new sketch show produced by Ash Atalla
  (The Office). Catch it at 10.30pm on BBC Three. 
http://snipurl.com/manstrokewoman


  >> Get your Japanese imports here <<
  * Huge selection of Totoro & Domo-kun toys
  * "I'm Looking for a Japanese Girlfriend"
     T-shirts
  * Hentai games in English - available by download
  * Japanese magazine subscriptions - anime,
    fashion & more
  * J-Snacks, including Japan Kit Kat, Pocky &
    Black Black caffine gum
  You've got a friend in Japan
http://www.jlist.com/

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Shittit Bang, Weebl toys & Australia

  >> Cillit Bang Vs Kill It Bam <<
  Since we recently decided that Cillit Bang was
  completely over and we never wanted to mention
  it again, we're happy to inform you that it's
  also shit and less effective than cheaper rip-off
  products. T3h.kitteh brings you the consumer
  expose of the year, we particulary enjoyed the
  close-up details of his grotty kitchen.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/maryboneproject/288.html


  >> Weebl & Bob goes goth <<
  Jonti has been spacking his flash spuds to
  produce some more twaddle, this time about goths.
  But the reason you need to watch this, is for
  the fantastic advert at the end. It really makes
  you feel good and possibly spendy concerning
  his lovely new range of soft toys.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/gothic.htm


  >> The truth about Australia <<
  Remember the old 'visit Australia' advery from a
  while back? The one with the "red and yellow
  and pink and green song?" Pplakides does, but
  he remembers it a bit different to you and me.
  Gave us a chuckle anyway.
http://panosfantastic.co.uk/australia.html


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: THEY DIDN'T PRINT THAT - DID THEY?
  Tesco Mum thing

  Malc writes in with the shock news that "Tesco,
  evil-ubershop of the UK recommends incest!"
  And he has proof. 
http://www.thegoth.force9.co.uk/malcsimg/tescomum.JPG


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Birdseye advert, eBay fraud & Numbers game

  >> Captain Birdseye: the truth <<
  Remember the Australian advert edit that 
  we linked to, ooh five minutes ago?
  It reminded Freddy Woo that everytime he
  sees the current Birdseye ABC campaign he has
  to shout at the screen. This is what he shouts:
http://snipurl.com/birdseye


  >> eBay fraud malarky <<
  P0rk writes - "Someone bought a CD from me,
  and has been making copies of it to sell on eBay.
  Unlucky thing is, he stole my ENTIRE listing
  and HOTLINKED the images... what else could I
  do?" What P0Rk means is that he was able to
  change the images on the listing to something
  entirely different. Revenge is sweet. BTW:
  We've screen-grabbed this, assuming eBay will
  pull it.
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/eBay.gif


  >> Numbers game <<
  Matazone has made an odd little game, it's
  a bit like Nokia snake but oddly floaty.
  Give it a shot, we're sure you can beat our
  score of 300 or so.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/cf/circlefish.php


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Weird Teachers
  
  Last week we asked for your strangest teachers:
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdteachers/

  For some reason, all the best stories were about
  Chemistry teachers. Chemistry it appears is the
  new Rock and Roll. We present the following
  three scientists as a lesson to others:


  >> The Legless Cripple <<
  "My chemistry teacher was a guy with glasses
  about two inches thick, hair like an explosion
  in a pube factory, and a screeching high-pitched
  voice like nothing else I have ever heard. Oh and
  he didnít have any legs. He wore this pair of
  awful wooden legs that went straight as rods all
  the way up to his arse cheeks. Sadly he was about
  as gifted in the use of his crutches as he was at
  ballet dancing, so we nicknamed him Speedy. One
  summer school fete there was a 'soak the teacher'
  stall. Speedy, being a good old sort really, did
  his bit and lurched & wobbled up to undergo his
  stint behind the plastic sheeting. It went quite
  well until one girl grabbed a sponge and shoved
  it into his face really hard. It was like a
  coconut being knocked off its perch. Except that
  the coconut was Speedyís body, and the perch was
  his wooden legs. He disengaged in a flurry of
  flailing crutches and strange yelping noises; all
  that was left was a tangled pile of artificial
  limb and wet cripple." (soapy norris)
     
     
  >> The Fish Torturer <<
  "Our evil, bald, ex-army chemistry teacher
  always found an interesting way to present the
  subject at hand. Picture a class of twenty
  students watching in disbelief as the science
  of electroplating is demonstrated. On a goldfish
  in a bowl, projected on a large overhead viewing
  screen. 'Copperfish' he called it." (StateOfGlee)
     
     
  >> The Inflammable Sheep Botherer <<
  "Our chemistry teacher was a spitting image of
  Clive Sinclair, hence his nickname '48k'. THE
  most flammable man in the world, permanently
  eyebrow-less. Once set fire to the gas directly
  out of the taps, igniting the blackboard eraser
  and causing the school to be evacuated... Anyway,
  48k asked me to "pick up some sheeps lungs at
  the butchers, they are expecting you". We'd been
  learning all about respiration that term, so I
  did this without question. 48k put a tube into
  the lungs so he could blow down it and inflate
  them. It was a bit gory, blood clots and the
  like, and a couple of girls in the class were
  obviously swaying... 48k then took the tube out
  and jabs at the diaphragm with a finger. The
  butcher hadn't taken the voice box off the
  lungs had he? so when 48k prods at them...
  BAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH. Three girls go down like
  dominoes, but, best of all, 48k leans down and
  says, "Shhh Muriel, your mother will hear us."
  The man is a legend in Hull." (airliebird)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to cheat, or at least confess your
  cheating ways to us. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cheats/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Do tin foil hats really work? <<
  The headwear of choice for today's paranoid nut
  is the tinfoil beanie - shielding you from evil
  brain lasers. But how well do they really work?
  A team of crack scientists investigates. And finds
  that they actually increase the intensity of
  whatever's being beamed at your brain. We're
  trying for Granada Men & Motors.
http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/


  >> Lighter tracking <<
  It's an idea we've all had - tracking lighters
  on their fag track travels. Previous people have
  tried it with GPRS cyber-spack bollocks, but this
  version is nice, simple and successful. Just put
  a sticker on the side to get people to mail you
  a pic of them lighting up with it.
http://www.jamesrobertford.com/works/six_degrees_of_smoking/


  >> Monkey washing a cat <<
  Who doesn't like a monkey washing a cat? Just
  look at the little fella go! Aww. Do we need to
  add anything more?
http://www.brud.info/video/monkey_washing_cat.mov


  >> Manky portrait game <<
  The game here is to see if you can guess which
  celebrity these slightly shonky pictures are
  supposed to be of. Some of them are surprisingly
  good likenesses. 
http://wossname.thingy.com/portraits.htm


  >> McDonalds signpost prank <<
  Poor old McDonald's - imagine having your brand
  dragged through the mud to the extent that just
  adding 'Mc' to a word means 'a shit version of',
  eg. McJobs. Anyway, these chaps found a poorly
  guarded sign outside their local Maccy D's and
  replaced it with one of their own designs.
http://www.phonelosers.org/pranks_mcdonalds_sign.html


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Fat magpie, spoiled hedgehog

  This podgy little baby magpie has a hairstyle
  strangely like that of a 70s footballer - and
  perhaps that's why he looks so mournful.
http://www.pbase.com/image/33313869


  Some animals are just spoiled. Admittedly, they
  don't come much cuter than this wee hedgehog,
  but take a look at the luxury euro-biscuit she's 
  snacking on - a cruel waste!
http://www.deepcity.org/inhuman/pets/hedgehog/bambam_cookie.jpg


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: GIF OF THE WEEK
  The award the web industry fears

  What a peculiar little banner this is. Just take
  a look about halfway down the page on teh right.
  Keep looking. Why's that bloke flicking the Vs?
  It's because he doesn't love Mansfield at all.
  He's trapped in a gif, his soul is empty and
  he lashes out the only way he can. In 16k of
  web-optimised colour.
http://www.ilovemansfield.com/


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: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
  Bemusing anal bear
 
  Surely God must be close at hand with His
  cleansing rain of fire. This teddy bear talks
  and farts when you stick your finger up his
  bottom. The lisping voice clearly puts him in
  the realm of gay stereotypes and puts you, the 
  unfortunate owner, in the position of a gay-bashing
  tormentor of bears. Is that what you want?
http://snipurl.com/analbear


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Games for Geeks Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted to know what games geeks played
  in their spare time.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/geekgames/

  We asked B3ta boarder Rev Jesse Custer to judge 
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Rev Jesse Custer writes -

  #1 Dirty geek - My overall fave. Just simply 
     brilliant. Funny and really well thought out.
     (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5315287

  #2 Tetris - I love his expression - reminded me 
     how people look when playing games. (NoSoup4U)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5315890

  #3 Puzzle - Simply made me laugh out loud! I love 
     how frustrated she looks with the whole thing.
     (Betty Bo Bibster)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5327310

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor Coast of Yemen gave us
  the suggestion, "Gameshows based on Songs"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/gameshows/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TOP TIP CORRECTION CORRECTED - We know we're
    losing 90% of our readers with that headline,
    but the pedantry amuses us. "The last
    newsletter shows that biochemists are chemists
    who have lost their way," opines turnercrw. 
    "The biochemistry student who corrected your
    top tip about silver cleaning seemed to be
    suggesting that aluminium would dissolve in a
    solution of salt and water. Fortunately for
    those with aluminium-bodied cars, that isn't
    the case. In fact, aluminium has a higher
    affinity for the substances that make up the
    tarnish on silver than the silver itself,
    and so the top tip suggestion transfers the
    tarnish from the silver to the aluminium and
    is perfectly safe, and, in fact, a recommended
    method for cleaning silver." Oooh! Handbags!


  * PASTA COOKEDNESS TEST - Sausage sequel. Now that
    we have your attention again, jaypeaby writes,
    "You can tell when sausages are cooked because
    they bounce." It's true too. Look:
http://www.users.on.net/~jaypeabey/bouncybouncy.wmv

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * REAL VIRAL COMPETITION - some PR agency
    spammed everyone who on posts on our board
    this week with the opportunity to enter a
    "viral competition". Fuck that. Let's have
    a real viral competition. With biochemists.
    The winner gets to rule over an empty world.

  * ANNOY SUPERMARKETS - go in and complain
    that you can't buy Easter Eggs yet. 

  * RANKMYWANK.COM - a site for young men to
    compare their wanking technique via short 
    video clips. With possibly a sister site
    for the ladies, digmyfrig.com

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by jc.hodson, jamie.hillman,
  kidb,Holy mother of God, Country_Fox,
  hellokatja, OldWhit, underground650.
  Top Tippery robbed from howtocleananything.com
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by the b4 "will they digg voting
  or won't they?" ta wooyay massive. 
  (105883 -  31656)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  
  Since you can't bath your budgie, try this!
  Thoroughly wash a sprig of fresh parsley then
  tie the wet sprig to the inside bars of your
  budgie's cage. He will roll against it, peck
  it and clean himself! Also, he will be nicely
  seasoned for when you roast him.

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