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NEWSLETTER: "WE CAN CONTAIN OUR LOVE FOR RUSSELL CROWE NO LONGER"

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This Week:
* RIMJOBS - Yay or nay?
* CHALLENGE - Make Tory propaganda
* VIDEO - Noel Edmonds - spaz hater

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 232 - 9 Jun 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue232/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Uncensored  the Sprite birth

  We always wanted it to happen, and now it has.
  The much-loved Sprite goblin eventually got
  some real loving and months later has given
  birth. Luckily we were fortunate enough to
  capture the joyous occasion. So now all that
  remains for us to do is proudly present the
  full, uncensored projectile-breaking-of-the
  -waters Sprite birth. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwW5eiSuAwg

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Rimming, 9/11 and Poo

  >> Rimjobs: Yay or nay? <<
  The folks at Goodiebag grapple with the
  question on everybody's lips. Okay, they
  ambush a selection of hapless punters with a
  question about rimjobs.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/rimjobs.htm


  >> Happy 9/11 <<
  Butters claims this short animation "conveys
  true historical events." Hmm, we hope that
  Butters enjoys his new career as a Troll.
http://madandugly.drunkrhino.com/happy.htm


  >> Arson Sam 4 <<
  We love the idea behind 'Arson Sam'. If you
  reverse kids' TV show Fireman Sam, the main
  character goes around starting fires and
  causing trouble. Custardy's just finished the
  fourth instalment and looks like there may be
  more to come. Huzzah!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arson_Sam_4


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Missing Body Parts

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.

  We wanted to know if you had anything missing.
  From this we discover that TWO B3ta people
  possess a third testicle and a scary number
  have had to have toenails removed... wash your
  feet, folks and have a good rummage - you
  never know:
http://b3ta.com/questions/missingbodyparts/


  * Womb with a view
    "Ten years ago I had to get neutered for
    medical reasons and being 24, I asked that
    my girly bits be returned to me so I could
    give them a decent atheist burial. After a
    considerable hospital stay, major surgery
    and some top class drugs, I was discharged
    home. Three weeks later I rang the hospital
    and asked where my ex-organs were. Long
    story short: 6 weeks later I finally tracked
    down the charge nurse on the gyny ward and
    she told me to come in and pick up a package
    that was stored in the ward fridge. I
    trekked over, got the brown paper bag with a
    heavy container handed to me and headed back
    home on the bus. At 2am I decided to take a
    peek (as you do) and I shit you not, the
    container was filled with mashed spud and
    mixed veg. I like to think that some poor
    old dear was served an interesting snack
    that night. Never did find out where they
    went..." (jo-jo the majic clown)
     
  * Missing boob
    "I used to work with someone who only had
    one boob (breast cancer had resulted in the
    loss of the other one). Being quite a
    well-endowed woman, she wore a large fake
    one to balance herself out. One morning, she
    came dashing into my office, looking awfully
    lopsided, and shouting 'I've forgotten my
    boob!' It was too far to go home to fetch
    it, so she wrapped some bubble wrap in a
    duster and stuffed that in instead. It
    crackled when she moved." (Pachey)
     
  * Bacon slicer...
    "I used to work in a butchers and once I
    agreed to a bet to stick my cock in the
    bacon slicer. I didn't damage my cock much
    and found the experience actually very
    pleasant, but I got caught by the boss and
    he sacked me. Mind you, the bacon slicer was
    his 16 year old daughter." (Boom boom!
    emadex)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Ever phoned in sick? Lied? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/awesomesickies/


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: B3TA T-SHIRTS £10 SPESH

  Summer madness has hit the shop. Pretty much
  like the sunny weather it'll only last a week.
  Men's red shirts for £10, and selected girl's
  shirts £10. Get them while it's hot.
http://snipurl.com/ku5y


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: RUSSELL CROWE LOVE CORNER
  Hopefully not the start of a regular feature

  Got a spare 20 minutes? Read this lengthy
  article about Russell Crowe's ham-fisted
  attempts at manipulating the press in relation
  to his music career. Fantastically detailed
  insight into celebrity paranoia, from a
  journalist who was asked to be the star's PR
  guru. 
http://snipurl.com/russellcrowesstooge


  Leading us, by way of Google, to one of the
  thespian man-mountain's many fan sites. And
  what fans! There are simply pages of
  peculiarly Russell Crowe-based photoshops. Our
  favourite is this section -five pages-worth of
  Crowe perspiring in 18th century naval uniform
  and crudely stitched into a variety of vaguely
  romantic situations.
http://snipurl.com/russellcrowefucksowl


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Get the Hoff to number one <<
  Doing the rounds this week. Someone has
  finally twigged to the massive power David
  Hasselhoff wields over gentlemen and ladies of
  a certain age. Here's a concerted PR campaign
  to get the Hoff to number one by, er, rigging
  the charts.
http://www.gethasselhofftonumber1.com


  >> Animation vs animator <<
  Inventive short anim where the stickman
  drawings fight back against an animator with
  godlike powers and a deadly flying cursor.
  People who use Flash regularly will appreciate
  nifty use of the palettes.
http://abum.com/file/shadow/animations/17632.swf


  >> 'Glamour' shots of BB's Aisleyne <<
  Grot shots of Big Brother's Aisleyne anyone?
  They really do pick the classiest types for
  these shows.
http://snipurl.com/grotshots


  >> Stupid eBay questions <<
  This hapless bloke just wanted to sell his car
  on eBay. Inexplicably, he then became the
  target of every half-wit and would-be wag on
  the web. His exasperated replies to some very
  dumb questions make for good reading.
http://snipurl.com/ebaybummedmymum


  >> Tiny trebuchet <<
  Another entry into the genre of 'things to
  make at work if you really want to be sacked'.
  Detailed instructions on how to build a very
  small siege catapult out of paperclips, the
  only thing lacking is a video showing its full
  destructive powers...
http://snipurl.com/mywinkyisstinky


  >> Blow-up chicken shed <<
  Unless we miss our guess, this is some sort of
  inflatable protection for farmyard fowl. The
  artist's impression makes it look like the
  space-hens have finally landed. 
http://snipurl.com/henParty


  >> Extreme balloon sculpture <<
  Feast your eyes on as extensive a collection
  of balloon-sculpting prowess as you're ever
  likely to see. Some of it is disturbingly
  poo-like.
http://www.laurel-travel.ru/kreo/ballon.html


  >> Annoy the authorities <<
  Run a blog? Amnesty are profiling websites
  that governments have tried to block and ban.
  you can put little fragments of censored
  content on your own sites. The more people do
  it, the more censored stuff gets seen, the
  more the authorities get pissed off. If you
  don't do it for us, do it for the kittens. 
http://irrepressible.info


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Ceiling cat
  
  We didn't wank for a week when our grandfather
  died. We were scared his ghost could see what
  we were doing. We had no such problems looking
  at this pic, however.
http://www.ceilingcat.com


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  The stuff that'll ruin the internet

  >> Forearm forklift <<
  This actually looks like quite a good idea.
  Wrapping some sort of tape round your arms and
  lugging furniture apparently becomes very
  easy. And the video has sexy ladies lifting
  heavy weights - what more could you want?
http://www.forearmforklift.com/home.htm


  >> Spoof phone ad <<
  Dunno much about the company whose ad this is
  riffing off (Telecom -  New Zealand's telecoms
  monopoly), but it's a genius bit of angry
  redubbing. "Telecom tricked us and that's
  really fucked!" snarls a little kid.
http://snipurl.com/oohlooksimasnurllink


  >> Noel Edmonds - spaz hater <<
  Lovely clip from afternoon favourite Deal or
  No Deal, with Noel Edmonds inadvertently
  laughing at a picture of a disabled child. The
  speed with which he goes into reverse is
  delightful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IBC5udIBoA


  >> Fountains of Coke <<
  By now pretty much every knob-head knows that
  cola explodes when you put Mentos in it. So
  these two nerds take that effect and use it to
  make something truly fantastic. People making
  a music video could do worse than rip this
  off. Actually, Coke should rip this off -
  apart from the unfortunate 'Coke explodes your
  stomach if you eat mints' subtext.
http://eepybird.com/dcm1.html


  >> "I love you" pug <<
  Wittgenstein said that if a lion could speak
  we wouldn't be able to understand him. This
  dog can say "I love you", but in a voice so
  disturbingly harsh it gave us nightmares.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc2hnupC_6E


  >> Learn sexy English <<
  Slow start, but worth sticking with this dodgy
  Japanese language course to teach you to
  sex-talk in English.
http://b3ta.com/links/Lets_Sexy_English


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: FILTHY MARKETING

  >> Young Person's Railcard <<
  Not so much dirty at the time, but we're
  fairly sure the rail companies won't be
  running this campaign again in a hurry...
http://snipurl.com/garyglitterfuckskids


  >> What are Pedo Pearls? <<
  We shudder to imagine what the person naming
  this product was thinking - or the audience
  they wanted to attract.
http://www.copalite.com/PedoPearls.html


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER  
  It's shit, but you keep sending them in
  
  * NATIONAL SLAG ASSOCIATION - oh that
  'by-product of smelting ore / cheap tart' joke
  is never going to get old. (Thanks Pachey)
http://www.nationalslagassoc.org/


  * IKEA 'JERKER' COMPUTER TABLE - let's all
  sing together, 'the internet is for porn.' Or
  burn down your local Ikea in a Fight Club
  style anti-consumerist terrorist action.
http://snipurl.com/psdg


  * POOR GEORGE LUCAS - This week we find that
  'Jedi Jedi' is Nigerian for piles.


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Shit and Arson

  >> Shit gaming review <<
  Dr. A has been boldly venturing to Poundland
  to once again review the very latest in gaming
  tat. This week it's Sony rip-off the
  GameStation. And, not to spoil anything, it's
  crap.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fake_PlayStation_reviewed


  >> "I wanna look at your poo <<
  "I've made a singalong video featuring Gillian
   McKeith," boasts eclectech. The hunchbacked
  TV faeco-phile is accompanied by penguins on
  piano and the ever-present smell of
  shit. Music by DogHorse and Miss Prism.
http://eclectech.co.uk/gillianpoo.php


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Tom Cruise Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what life would be 
  like if Tom Cruise were God.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * SISTINE CHAPEL - Medieval mingles with
  modern as Michelangelo meets Mission
  Impossible. (The Great Architect)

  * TOM CRUISE BIBLE - The good book gets a
  Hollywood makeover with new chapters based on
  Cruise's most miraculous movies. (Monkeon)

  * TOM WHO? - Cruise wields his almighty wrath
  against anyone who doubts him. Or calls him
  gay. (alwayslostinsmoke)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tomcruise/


  >> New challenge: Elect The Tories <<
  Blair's been in charge for a hundred years and
  it's time for a change. So let's make campaign
  material which the Conservative party can use
  to get elected.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tories/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * EVERY TIME WE GET STUFF RIGHT - our inbox
  stays empty, we get something wrong? We're
  flooded. Literally hundreds of emails saying,
  "Wonder Showzen is on TMF (on Freeview), so it
  actually is available here! And it's fucking
  ace! You stupid cunts!" Apparently Sky
  programme guide describes it as like
  "Playschool on acid." Which is actually one of
  our favourite journalistic clichés, probably
  done parodied best by Q magazine who once
  strapped a cover about Sergeant Pepper as,
  "It's like the Beatles... On acid!!!" 
  
  * PISS GAMES - a few weeks back we asked you
  to play games with urine. Parsleythelion
  informs, "here in New Zealand there's a radio
  station that used to have a competition called
  'Tinkle Tuesday'. People would phone in and
  piss while the DJ timed it, but by some of the
  times they used to get I'm sure some people
  were just pouring water into the toilet!" Heh.
  Endemol call us ASAP, we have just seen the
  future of TV entertainment.

  * MINI COLONEL SANDERS - "you've reminded me
  of the old style KFC logo's that were (and
  still are) on some of the shop fronts. I
  always thought that Colonel Sanders looked
  like he had a massive head and really tiny
  arms and legs."
http://www.seanrobins.com/images/hillary_kfc.jpg


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TRICKS WITH AEROSOLES - as kids we used to
  enjoy filling up dustbins with air freshener
  throwing a match. A pleasing fireball for all
  the family.
  
  * HOW LONG CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN
  COMPETITION - we've just tried  1 minute and
  drooled, whilst our tongue became unpleasantly
  dry.
 
  * EAR WAX CANDLE - yeah yeah, don't run away,
  what we mean is can you extract enough wax
  from your ear to make a candle? Will it even
  burn? 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson via an unholy union of
  Mediawiki and TextWrangler. Stuff sent in by
  stevierar, Twizt_McTiger, a.r.lupton, monkeon,
  ElRodente, Yankee-Doodled, Andy,
  awestmoreland, redazril, MrHeed, stevejmorgan,
  marmiteycat, GlamBoy, annaelizabeth, logic2,
  and not forgetting Mykeyboy. Danny McNamara is
  36 you know. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Melvins & Chinese burns to B4ta.
  (Bigger number - smaller number, which people
  occasionally email in about, little knowing
  that it's a great secret.)
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:

  * ERRATUM - "In your tips bit you missed out
  the final part of the last tip, hearing your
  friends talk in clubs.", notes Creeativta,
  apparently the trick is to stick your fingers
  in your ears.
  
  * EGG TIP - "When breaking eggs, use a large
  piece of egg-shell to retrieve any small bits
  of egg-shell that have got in the bowl. It
  works like a lovely eggy charm. (Whythebigpaws)


-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK

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  slave - do something you love.  Chinwag Jobs -
  now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun09?a_aid=cwj&a_bid=3b7722c7

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