NEWSLETTER: "WILL THIS SUBJECT LINE PERSUADE YOU TO OPEN THIS EMAIL? CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT"
This Week:
* MAGNETS - Nutter sticks them in his fingers
* PRODUCT - Fake bollocks for your cat
* VIDEO - Underwater air-rings
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 234 - 23 Jun 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue234/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Save British Design
The British Design Council want to make sure
British design stays on top of its game and
they want your help. Have your say by
completing their short questionnaire and
joining in the debate.
http://snipurl.com/kpbritshdesignalive
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Flyers, Fruit, Fire and more...
>> Disturbing flyers... <<
Ehehanne observes, "This was a free leaflet I
got in The Daily Mirror on Saturday.
Subscription to porn catalogue...nothing wrong
with that, but free knives?!? Are they trying
to get men to buy their girlfriends some
lovely underwear...and then stab them?" So
very very wrong.
http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j18/b3taer/knive...
>> Fruit up the exhaust pipe <<
C_Phoenix10 is clearly has void in his life
than needs to be filled. He's been spending
his time shoving fruit and veg up a cars
surprisingly spacious exhaust pipe. We think
he's making a point about silly macho cars,
but really, it's just kind of odd.
http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~cczcp1/pics/car/shock...
>> Setting fire to aerosols <<
A few weeks back we asked you to send us
videos of you playing dangerous games by
lighting aerosol gas. We didn't really expect
you to do it! Thanks to Quibble for this
collection of vids, and we hope your mother is
proud.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Crap Kersal sound-board <<
Remember the Kersal Massive? You went wild for
those crazy kids, ooh a couple of months ago.
Max writes, "I've made an amazingly low-rent
Kersal sound-board. The low production values
are a tribute to the original - and nothing to
do with this being the first flash thingy I've
ever made." Heh. It is a bit shit, but we
enjoyed it. Especially clicking very fast to
make Doctor Who noises.
http://www.eviltechie.co.uk/kersal.swf
>> 2001 in 2001 seconds <<
Mr.Swith whispers, "I've edit a version of the
film 2001: A Space Odyssey where i cut out all
the shite boring bits and reduced the running
time down to 33.21 minutes (2001 seconds). I
reckon people would like to see it in your
newsletter, cos it means they can watch a film
at work on their lunch, isn't it." Warning:
this is a massive download and the choice of
music (Gary Numan!?) is going to make purists
fume. Still, kept busy for a bit, and we love
the edit of 'lunch-time edits' of popular
films.
http://swith.gazaxian.com/2001seconds.htm
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Have you been mugged?
Last week we were asking if any nasty robbers
have ever dissed you in your own hood.
http://b3ta.com/questions/mugged/
* That's not a knife...
"A friend at uni used to knit chain mail for
the local Society for Creative Anachronism
(people who like to get together at weekends
and pretend they are knights errant). It's
gotten late at the jousts, and he doesn't
have time to strip off the mail or the
sword, so he just puts on his cloak and
heads for the subways. Little mugger comes
up to him on the platform (in the days
before CCTV) and says, "I've got six inches
of steel here that says you'll give me all
your money." Friend leans into the knife
(chain-mail, remember?) then opens the cloak
to show a hand on the sword hilt, says,
"I'll see your 6 and raise you 20." Little
mugger turns much paler and quietly
vanishes." (chazz)
* White guys pretending to be black
"I was waiting for a bus in Hackney. A 17
year old wigger bad boy sucks his teeth in,
'Giz your wallet.' 'No', I reply. Sucks his
teeth again, 'Giz yo wallet or I is gonna
get my people on you.' A Caribbean pensioner
laughs and says, 'Yo peepil? Who is yo
peepil? Dey is Mary Poppins 'an scooby doo!
Now you missed da school bus ten minute ago,
get ya walkin!' 'Thanks' I said
sheepishly. 'No problem fella' said the old
man, 'I sin him every day walkin' down here,
only normally tis with an au pair you see.'
'And what about scooby doo?' I ask. 'His par
sister look like a dog.'" (sadler)
* Educated French muggers
Even the bloody muggers in Paris are more
cultured than their English counterparts. I
was heading down St Germain when these two
skinny French blokes bashed into me and
demanded some cash. Being outnumbered, and
not being able to leg it past them, I
feigned incomprehension, saying, "Sorry. I
don't speak French". Not realising that
these were upmarket euro-thieves, I didn't
anticipate that one of the guys would then
say in his best Antoine de Caunes accent,
'Oh. I am zo zorry. In Engleesh then. Pleeze
give me your Euros or my friend will 'urt
you wiz hiz knife'. (String Theory)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the largest
amount of cash you've handled. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/themostcashevercarried/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Magno-fingers <<
How far would you go to get an extra sense.
This chap had his finger sliced open at what
amounts to a piercing parlour and a magnet put
under his skin. Now he can sense electricity.
Although, apparently he also gets loads of
email from nutters who think he can also sense
UFOs and ghosts.
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,71087-0.htm...
>> Fake bollocks for your cat <<
Loads of people have their pets neutered, but
this seems to be for those who become
neurotically worried that it has affected
Fluffy's quality of life. Yes, fake, plastic
testicle implants for your cat. The
NeuticleUltraPlus are recommended as "the
latest in solid silicone technology and feels
almost like its' liquid filled." Eww.
http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html
>> Exploding laptop <<
Does your computer get a bit hot when you use
it for a while? Careful it doesn't suddenly
explode, belching flame and spurting molten
plastic over a wide radius. Like this one. The
owner's advice if the same thing happens to
you? "Stay away." Oh, for the record, it was a
Dell.
http://www.theinquirer.net/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
New kittens
"I know you like kittens, so I thought you
might be interested to know my mum has
just had some," remarks patstew. Obvious
wisecracks aside, here are some pictures
of a lovely litter of 5-week-old kittens.
http://patstew.f2s.com/serafine/Fiveweeks.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
We admit, we're addicted to YouTube
>> Underwater air rings <<
Blowing smoke rings is sissies. This Japanese
chap is able to lie on the bottom of a
swimming pool and blow perfect rings of air
through each other. Impressive trick, although
we wonder precisely how he came to realise he
could do it. The rest of the site is worth a
look too.
http://snipurl.com/tvinjapan
>> Surprising paternity test <<
Elona and Richard are one of those white trash
couples you see on US chat shows. It's not the
result of this televised paternity test that
are shocking, it's that the bloke doesn't seem
to have thought for a second that their child
wasn't his. Their little boy is quite clearly
black...
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> YouTube rocks <<
We've been sticking YouTube stuff in the
newsletter for months now, but we were just
looking at one link and fucking off. Maybe
it's reached some sort of critical mass now,
but recently we've been wasting loads of time
on it - it's become a massive fan scrapbook of
video and it's bloody great. Here's someone
who's archived off a load of 80s classics good
and bad for your delight and bemusement.
http://www.worksafevideos.com/music_videos/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Running this hurts us more than it hurts you
>> Aryan Cars <<
Good to see Nazism is alive and well in the
land of Volkswagen dealerships. Sieg Heil!
http://www.aryancars.co.uk/
>> Clit hero <<
Need some office junk stored or moved? Then
you need clit hero.
http://www.clithero.com/home/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Road Signs Challenge
Last week we asked to see road signs updated to
accommodate 21st Century needs. You delivered.
Our favourites included:
* LET'S FACE THE MUSIC - The lyrics of Frank
Sinatra used as a tool to keep the road-weary
traveller alert. Genius. (NoMoreFaith)
* QUANTUM JUNCTION - a hilarious pun on the
discontinuous change which an electron undergoes
as it goes from one energy level to another
without passing through any intermediate levels.
Apparently. (Threepwood)
* ROUNDABOUT - Scarily accurate representation
of the relationship breakdown that occurs between
all couples on long-distance journeys.
(bilbobarneybobs)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/roadsigns/
>> New challenge: Pimp My British Design <<
Take a UK design classic like a Mini and pimp
it up for 2006. Sponsored by the British
Design Council, and there's a prize too, so
get to work!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmybritishdesign/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PLEASE NO MORE HICCUP EMAILS - shemavrik
chirrups, "My friend put a tenner on the table
and said 'You can have that if you hiccup in
the next ten seconds.' I waited... and
waited... and TRIED to hiccup... and could I?
No."
* RIZLA COMES UP TRUMPS - last week Adam was
complaining that as a Rizla competition
winner he hadn't been sent the key to open his
prize cigarette vending machine. He gasps,
"Many thanks for the link. Those lovely people
at Imperial Tobacco have managed to get me a
key. As an extra added bonus. They say they
are sending me a selection of Rizlas!
Excellent."
* CAMOUFLAGED WHEELIE-BINS DANGEROUS - "I
piled into one on my bike and I ate the brick
path beneath." So let that be a lesson to you.
Pretty things aren't always good things.
* PENIS CAST WOMAN - Remember that lady who
wanted to take moulds of your cocks? She's
started, and she's even made a chocolate one
as well.
http://bcccastingcouch.blogspot.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LIVE ON DOG FOOD FOR A WEEK - and upload
clips of yourself munching down on pedigree
chum to YouTube. It'll be a hit we reckon.
* PRETEND TO BE FOREIGN - stand next to the
House of Parliament and ask for directions to
Big Ben. Film peoples reactions.
* MICROTOURISM - forget going on holiday
anywhere fancy, rent a room a couple of
miles from your house and see what it's like
there.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Pachey's bumhole cake is
butterfly poo, mattwild, willb508, Toist,
BigFinger, patstewl, jon626537 and M3ssential.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Nuff respec to b4ta. (109286)
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: TOP TIPPERY:
"Living in the jungles of New Guinea as I do,"
brags Jason. "I can't exactly run down to the
local compy shop when my CDs get so scratched
up that the computer can't read them any more.
But I've found that if I smear the readable
side of the disc with a thin coating of
ordinary toothpaste (i.e.. not gel or that
stripy shit), then wash it off, it removes the
scratches and the CD works again. In maybe 75%
of cases."
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: SPONSORED LINK
"Same shit different day? Stop being a wage
slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs -
now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun23
