NEWSLETTER: "STICK THIS IN YOUR LINK HOLE AND SMOKE IT"
This Week:
* VID - Rainbow remixed
* SITE - Give me back my Google
* URL HACK - TheTechGays.com
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 246 - 15 Sept 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue246/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Virtual Tattoo Parlour
Where do you want it? Put a tat on a tit and a
few other places as well. Personalise your own
tattoo: a message and a design and place it on
a number of "interesting areas" on a
voluptuous Crusty Babe - then see it for real.
Brilliant? Yes.
http://www.crustydemons.co.uk/tattoo_parlour
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Rainbow, Google and satirical URLs
>> Rainbow Drum'n'Bass <<
Rainbow, your primer for three:
* Kids' TV show from the 80s mostly now
remembered for a notorious 'Christmas tape'
full of inappropriate innuendo
* UK rave-popsters The Beloved once sang,
"Zippy, Bungle, Jeffry Archer, Hello"
* Bungle was once arrested in a road-rage
incident.
'Nuff facts? Well there's now one more: B3ta
boarder ScreamingKettle has brought them into
the early nineties with this nostalgic mash-up
of the theme tune that just might make you do
a sex-shit. We know we did.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rainbow_Drum_n_Bass
>> Give me back my Google <<
Back in issue 166 we asked you to make a
version of the internet's favourite search
engine that was stripped of all the crappy
price compare sites that clog up the results
if you're trying to buy a new TV. Bittern
writes, "Better late than never, I made this
especially for you, B3ta."
http://www.givemebackmygoogle.com
>> Homophobia or biting satire? <<
Dr.A barks, "Possibly you are aware of the
company that provides warranty repairs for PC
World and Dixons, PC Servicecall. Well, it
recently changed its name to 'The Tech Guys'.
In order to congratulate them for thinking of
a childishly patronising name and alienating
all their female staff in one fell swoop, I've
registered thetechgays.com and pointed it at
their site." OoOOoh, get her!
http://www.thetechgays.com
>> Rich-Tea challenge <<
Marky- informs, "Last week you asked 'How long
would it take to drain an Olympic-sized
swimming pool using only Rich-Tea biscuits?'
So I decided to find out. Now you can impress
your mates down the pub with your superior
knowledge of 100% impractical Rich-Tea
information." Heh, good stuff although sadly
theoretical with no video.
http://snipurl.com/richteachallenge
-------------------------------------------------
: PLAYGROUND WATCH
What the kids are singing about Britney today
"Half a pint of chloroform
Making Britney sleepy
Rape her up the naughty hole
Pop goes the pee pee"
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The worst journey in the world
We wanted your worst ever journeys to make us
feel better about spending 36 hours in Athens
airport. There's some truly horrifying stuff
here that's not for the squeamish, so we've
picked out three that made us laugh:
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstjourneyintheworld/
* FLYMO FLASHBACK
"I was a travel-sickly child. My parents,
being understanding souls, consequently
dragged me round the country at speed on a
regular basis - I saw very little of the
countryside but loads of the sky from my
position flat on the back seat trying to
pretend we weren't moving. I was about 10.
Dad's been away all week on a works thing
and, as it's school holidays, Mum drags me
out on the trip to collect him. 40 miles
later, I'm green in the back, attempting to
look pleased at return of absent parent
whilst simultaneously swallowing rising vom.
Dad sees my pallor and decides to speed up
in an attempt to get home more quickly - cue
tiny child in back seat: 'Can we stop?' Loud
tut. 'No, I'm on a dual carriageway. Is it
desperate?' Cheeks and eyes bulge
dangerously in response. 'I can't stop' Dad
rolls down the automatic back window, I
stick my head out and win awards in
projectile vomiting for England... ...there
was this guy mowing the grass verge. He had
no chance. I still wake up sometimes
remembering his face as he saw us
approaching." (cisco)
* YOU MUST THINK ME AN AWFUL FOOL
"Back in the days of slam door trains, on
the last one from Waterloo, full of pissed
biznizz people. The train stopped in the
middle of nowhere. A biznizz man woke up:
'eh, what?' Picked up his briefcase, brolly,
jammed his hat on and unsteadily opened the
door and stepped out.There was a muffled
thump. A bit later, a hat was thrown in,
then the brolly, then the briefcase. Hands
appeared and he hefted himself up, put his
hat back on, picked up his stuff, said, 'you
must think me an awful fool' and then
stepped through the door on the other side."
(mickturate)
* EVERYONE LOVES AN AUDIENCE
"Trying to insert a tampon on a train from
Rotherham to someplace when the toilet door
swung open to the busiest train you've ever
seen..." (DebbiedoesdowntownDerby)
Congratulations are also due to Arthmelow for
blindly following directions from multimap.com
and attempting to drive down this road:
http://arthmelow.fotopic.net/p13973948.html
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your moments of unexpected good
fortune. Talk to us here, you spawny gits:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectedgoodfortune/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Best marketing ever? <<
Our official New Zealand correspondent, Ana,
chirrups, "Tear into your tomato sauce sachet
and rip off a kid's foot? Now that's how to
clear the world of land-mines." Now, we know
there's a joke about Heather McCartney here,
but we're far too lazy to write it. Still,
ballsy marketing though.
http://snipurl.com/landminesauce
>> Soviet-era mice <<
Ever wondered what computer mice looked like
under communism? A bit shit is the
unsurprising answer. Kinda fascinating in a
geeksome way. BTW: The rest of the site is
also worth a read, presenting the oddities of
Russia for a Western audience.
http://englishrussia.com/
>> Bird-feeder of doom <<
Are you the type of person who likes to feed
birds, but doesn't want to look like a
twitching wuss? Then why not mock the very
birds you are feeding with a cat-shaped
feeder? Great potential for photos.
http://www.modernartisans.com/detail.aspx
>> The Perry Bible Fellowship <<
"Having just googled it," whispers Monkeon, "I
am glad to find out that my favourite comic
strip, which is normally hidden away somewhere
in one of the sub-sections of the Guardian,
has its own website with loads of ones from
the archive. If you haven't seen them before,
these are bleeding great." He's right you
know. Monkeon knows his stuff.
http://www.pbfcomics.com/
>> Murder 2.0 <<
A new problem for social networking sites is
that every so often, people being people, they
murder each other. Then journalists google the
names of the protagonists and find that they
are members of popular websites. This drags
the site into the newspapers with a heap of
negative publicity. In this case we're talking
Vampire Freaks and, a word to our readers,
please don't kill anyone! We don't need this
type of press.
http://snipurl.com/gothnutters
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Swearing weather <<
Imagine you're a weatherman strutting your
meteorological stuff on TV. Then you muck up
your line. Do you apologise and carry on? Or
do you let off a stream of expletives and then
dumbly grin, knowing your career is over? We'd
certainly choose the later and we're glad this
guy did too.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Swearing_weather
>> In the Brownies <<
In the 1970s bearded 'comedian' Billy Connolly
had a novelty hit with a cover version of
Tammy Wynette's heartbreaking mawk-fest
D.I.V.O.R.C.E. His follow up single didn't
capture the public's mood in quite the same
way, but it still brings a few cheap giggles
in B3ta HQ.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Fat kid on roller-coaster <<
We're not sure what's funnier, the sheer
terror of the child, or the fact his mother
doesn't give a shit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
>> B-day Beyonce <<
How could a marketing department approve
Beyonce's decision to call her new album
B-Day? Hmm, let's check Wikipedia, "A bidet is
a low-mounted plumbing fixture or type of sink
intended for washing the external genitalia
and the anus." She might as well called her
CD, 'My stinky flaps'.
http://www.beyonceonline.com/main.html
>> Foxy Asso Bogroll <<
Winning the award for the best named
arse-paper ever is the Italian product 'Foxy
Asso'.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/philchambers/23824056...
-------------------------------------------------
: ASK THE B3TARDS
For when Google can't help
>> GPS vs. Speedometer <<
Last week we asked why GPS systems give a
different speed reading to a car speedometer.
We received over 100 answers, including this
from Stalinism who wrote, "By law, speedos are
allowed to over-read by up to 10%, but are not
allowed to under-read (so you can never get
away with speeding by claiming your speedo
said you were within the limit). Therefore,
they're usually set to over-read by somewhere
around 5%, ensuring that they'll never
under-read. GPSs measure how far you've
actually gone over the last few seconds, and
don't have the same rules that encourage
over-reading. So if you're travelling at a
constant speed, the GPS will be a more
accurate measure. Obviously, if you're
accelerating or braking, then it won't."
Although Afinkawan pointed out, "Quite clearly
you should believe your speedo as that's the
one the you'll have to rely on in court next
time you get caught doing 100mph."
This week: -
>> Visible farts <<
Munk asks, "If we breath out warm moist gas
into cold air we can see our 'breath'. So why
doesn't the same happen on a chilly day when
we have a trouser burp? Surely, that too is
warm moist gas?"
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: BOOK OF THE MONTH
Scary Duck writes a book
Scary Duck is one of our most committed
Question Of The Week writers, frequently
quoted in this newsletter. He's also the
winner of The Guardian bestest blog compo. And
now? He's written a book. He sent us a copy
last night and we were too busy to read it as
we were writing the newsletter but we chucked
it at the official B3ta wife (who used to be a
journalist and got a degree in English from
top toffs' university Oxford) and she says,
"lively writing style, funny stories about his
youth, yep, it's good stuff." So there you go
Mr Scary Duck, consider your book reviewed!
http://snipurl.com/scary_duck_book
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Corporate Disasters Challenge
Last week we wanted to see the murky results
of inappropriate corporate take-overs. You
delivered.
Your favourites included:
* LLOYDS FERRARI - Things get a little frisky
as the black horse and the prancing horse get
a little, well, horsey (thiswasmyclone)
* SUPER MARIO BANK - If nothing else, cash
machines would be a lot more fun (Monkeon)
* MICROSOFT KWIK-FIT - Bill Gates brings
Windows customer care techniques to the
exciting field of automotive repair (Pachey)
All these images, and the highest as voted for
by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/corporate_disasters/
>> New challenge: Egg <<
The theme of this week's challenge is based on
a single word: Egg. Yep, anything to do with
eggs. Do whatever you like. But always
remember the central theme: Egg.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/egg/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TOMORROW PEOPLE PR0N - "Imagine my shock and
disgust on reading last week's newsletter 245
only to discover that the filthy little mind
of Blackmoon had turned my Mum's caravan in
the Tomorrow People into a brothel!" bellows
bullitt. "I'll be sending him my counselling
bills!" Yes, Bullitt's mum was in the Tomorrow
People. "She's only in two episodes, but she
gets a special mention on the DVD box," he
continues. "I look forward to this week's
newsletter, hopefully not involving any more
members of my family!
* MTV FAN MAIL - "Just wanted to say thanks",
writes Rusty Shackleford,"for putting my
animation in last week's newsletter 'When I am
king this is what will be on TV'. MTV got in
touch earlier this week and asked me to make
one for them, and without B3ta's exposure
there's no way MTV would have been interested.
Cheers guys." BTW: If you've made a clip you
want on MTV send them to [email protected]
* CREATIVE SWEARS - "Insert the word Catamite
into any basic swear," advises Son of Spock.
"For example, you might say, 'fuck of you
dirty shit catamite'."
------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PAT BUTCHER "MONG" - Hankster has captured a
classic bit of telly, with the Eastenders'
earring-queen saying on of the best words
ever. Now we want it mixed to a hardcore beat
and synced to video.
http://b3ta.com/links/Pat_Butcher_In_Mong_Shocker
* WIMBLEDON PONG would be excellent - please
somebody make this as a game:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5053453
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by BiggsteR,
edoze, Just Harry, hahn, dazsnow,
daniel.roberts Top Tippery by
myhouseandgarden.com Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Poetry by
Gilgamesh. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Yay to
b4ta. (110530 - 43248)
-------------------------------------------------
TIP:
Got blueberry stains on your clothes?. Soak
the fabric for long time in sour milk rinse
and wash warm as normal.
