NEWSLETTER: "YOUR WEEKLY BARRAGE OF FILTH"
This Week:
* VID - London to Brighton in 2 minutes
* FASHION - Baby toupees
* FUNNY NAMES - High Tree Spackers and more
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're looking at
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tranny pron... together"
B3ta email 248 - 29 Sept 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue248/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
What's the deal with The C'MONS?
You B3tards can't have missed them, they're
all over the place. So what do you think?
Bunch of puppets or Next Big Thing? Something
else entirely? More at the link below...
http://www.thecmons.co.uk
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Rathergood, Jesus, Trains and Weebl
>> Ricky Martin vs. Jesus <<
"Hey B3ta!" hollers Red Dalek, "I decided to
e-mail ever-so-slightly-rewritten Ricky Martin
lyrics to evangelical Christian websites and
gathered a great deal of spiritual advice that
might benefit dear old Ric." Heh, made us
giggle.
http://dominicself.co.uk/blog/index.php
>> London to Brighton in 2 minutes <<
"I've made an homage", preens Robbie, "an
'omage to the 1983 BBC film: London to
Brighton in 2 minutes." Woo, this is utterly
fantastic. He's stuck a camera on the front of
a train and sped up the footage, just like the
video to The Cure's Jumping Someone Else's
Train. If you are an arty fucker, you'll like
this.
http://www.lobsterpictures.tv/webcom/lonbri.php
>> Weebl vs. Pacman <<
Jonti is obviously wanting to up the ad
impressions on his site and to that end he's
made a quick and dirty hack of Pacman
featuring his characters. We weren't going to
link to it, but then we played it and actually
rather enjoyed his vocal stylings.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/ultimate+pie+the...
-------------------------------------------------
: SHOW ME THE FUNNY, BBC Radio 4 and BBC7
Sponsored link
Want your own radio series? Want to work with
top comedy writers? What are you waiting
for? SHOW ME THE FUNNY: Submission deadline
11th October. For more details:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/showmethefunny
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Sleep, stop-motion and charity bike riding
>> Sleepy commuters <<
"I made this film", mumbles Gilbert, "on the
way to work and back." Woo. It features sleepy
people in the morning, and then sleepy people
in the evening. Probably a complete invasion
of privacy, but quite charming nonetheless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> DIY Computing <<
"Hello," splutters Leo, "I thought you might
like this video that me and a friend made for
a competition on 'thefirstpost.co.uk' To our
surprise, we actually won it, and got 5 grand.
It is technically an advert for a news site,
but we don't work for an ad agency or
anything, we just tried to make a nice short
film." And indeed it is a good film, and we
wish we could earn 5k for linking to it, you
jammy shit.
http://www.leobridlefilms.co.uk/video/firstpost-fl...
>> Water Aid <<
"My brother is cycling across Australia,"
informs your Ginger Fuhrer, "He's raising
money for Water Aid. Please, my lovely
B3tards, sponsor him, as he doesn't actually
believe that B3ta exists, and it would blow
his mind to see loads of random names on his
sponsor sheet."
http://www.justgiving.com/DuncanManuel
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Oldies vs Computers
Last week we asked for the heartwarming
stories of old people encountering the
wonderful world of computers. Or, judging by
the raft of postings complaining about this,
we wanted to propagate some tired old
stereotype or something. Either way, in
amongst the urban legends there's some lovely
stuff:
http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplevscomputers/
* THE FUTURE SOUND OF METAL
"My mum found my old Commodore 64 in the
loft with all the cassettes. Finding the
album sleeves slightly reminiscent of early
80s heavy metal and the like, she slaps
Eidelon into the family stereo and turns it
up full whack, expecting some thunderous
guitar noises. The all-out data screech of
her hi-fi trying to read a commodore data
tape made her punch the stereo so hard it
broke. My Mum's 'ard." (Grrrmachine)
* I'VE GOT THE FISH AGAIN
"My mother is the world's biggest
technophobe. At present I'd say she's
probably reached the peak of her potential
computer expertise, crouching over our
cruddy family computer, typing with one
finger and looking petrified as if the
thing's going to blow up at any moment. This
amazing proficiency is the result of an
evening class at the local adult college.
Holed up in a computer lab with several
other technophobes, it must have been hell.
Anyway, halfway through the first lesson
there was a shriek from behind her computer.
"There's a fish on my screen! How do I get
rid of the fish? ARRRRGGHH!" It was the
screensaver. Although the teacher patiently
explained on several occasions that all one
had to do was to move the mouse or
something, my mother could never seem to
remember this and constantly had to call him
over because she'd "got the fish again."
She's known as 'The Fish Lady'."
(grandmasterfluffles)
* DAD, YOU ARE AN IDIOT
"My 4-year-old son made a "computer game"
today using some kid k'nex (like the
grown-up k'nex but chunkier) and a torch. He
showed me how it worked by flashing the
torch and making p-yow noises, as is the
wont of most 4-year old boys when faced with
anything vaguely gun-shaped. He asked me to
have a go, and I dutifully p-yowed and
flashed, only for him to look at me wearily,
point at a separate pink piece of k'nex and
say: "Daddy, you've got to click on the
mouse." (Amish Information Systems)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your crushes. So far we're quite
scared of the number of you who really quite
like Moaning Myrtle and Papa Lazarou. Talk to
us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crushes/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Amazing paper art <<
Beautiful, thoughtful and even moving works of
art all made from a single sheet of A4 paper.
Blinding display of paper-folding skills from
artist Peter Callesen.
http://www.oncotton.co.uk/peter/index/index2.html
>> "Ad men steal" shock <<
If you've caught yourself watching an advert
and thinking that the design was vaguely
familiar then this site is for you. It
regularly flags up instances where designers
have had their ideas blatantly ripped off by
big business. Not to be confused with
instances of designers being given fat cheques
to have their ideas used in an ad.
http://youthoughtwewouldntnotice.com/blog3/
>> Baby wigs <<
Babies all look the same. It's an unpalatable
truth but there it is. Help yours stand out
from the bald, mewling crowd with a
'personality' wig. Your own precious young one
could be the one boasting a full head of Bob
Marley/Islington ponce dreads. Fortunate child
indeed.
http://www.babytoupee.com/newsite/products_thelilk...
>> Bush buttplug <<
Ah, satire at its finest - a model of George
W. Bush to stick where the sun don't shine. To
be honest, we think he looks more like
Clinton, although that doesn't make us any
more susceptible to his rubbery charms.
http://fuknus.chrisdamitio.com/
>> Floral urinals <<
There might be something Freudian at work
here, but these gents' urinals shaped like
delicate blooms are rather lovely. Real
flowers have special markings to make it easy
for bees to find the centre - hopefully
something similar will stop the drunkards
missing the rim.
http://www.clarkmade.com/urinals.html
>> The goatse mushroom <<
Can anyone resist a mushroom that looks like
an arse? The answer, of course, is that we
cannot. Can you?
http://naturenet.net/blogs/index.php/2006/09/28/fu...
>> Nazi buildings <<
"I've found Hitler's secret American base!"
crows GoldenNinjaWarrior. And indeed, the
buildings at the US Navy base at Coronado are
shaped like the famed Hakenkreuz of Nazi fame.
Fact: The swastika was the symbol of the Boy
Scouts, until they requested a redesign in
1935. Killjoys.
http://snipurl.com/googlenazis
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Sleepy cat
"There's recently been a distinct lack of the
cute stuff in your newsletters," complains
Angie, "so I thought I'd help fix that. Here's
some pics of my cat Sophie - THE cutest in the
World - I dare you to say she's not! Go
on.....make cute Sophie famous." Not a problem
Angie, we're happy to help.
http://www.freewebs.com/angied0/sophiezonkedout.ht...
-------------------------------------------------
: AMNESTY SECRET POLICEMAN'S BALL
Sponsored link
Amnesty are producing their first Secret
Policeman's Ball for 15 years, featuring
floppy-haired shagger Russell Brand amongst
others. They've made four promo films; this
one features a troupe of comedians purporting
to audition hopefuls for the event. Although
quite what celebs such as Christina Aguilera
will make of lines such as, "I'd like to give
her a lethal injection" is anybody's guess.
http://www.amnesty.org.uk/secretpolice/pthplayer.a...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Youtube now valued at $1.5 billion?
>> No-armed guitar <<
Footage of truly excellent armless guitarist
Mark Goffeney busking in San Diego. He's
better with his feet than we are with our
hands, which is either inspiring or mildly
discouraging.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Syd Barrett house <<
Legendary rocker Syd turned his back on fame
and ended up living in a very ordinary
suburban semi. He died in July and the house
and its contents are coming up for sale. We
like the loyal fan who proposes that Syd's
appalling botch-job DIY be preserved as some
sort of legacy for the nation.
http://youtube.com/watch
>> Tiny dancer <<
We can't tell if this little breakdancing dude
is a child or a midget. However, his funky
movements may be a side effect of someone
grafting James Brown's head onto his spindly
neck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Homage to Pacman <<
A nostalgic treat with the circular retro-game
hero doing his munchy thing set to
exceptionally cheesey nineties rave. Featuring
cameos from Mrs Pacman, the ill-conceived
Pac-land and, surprisingly, Tron.
http://snipurl.com/pacmanyeah
>> Rocking baby <<
Cute child squealing and bopping about to
brutal moshcore. Worth watching for a few
seconds...
http://www.break.com/index/baby_rocks_out.html
>> High speed video <<
Always fun to watch bullets passing through
everyday objects in slow-motion. This series,
including bananas and water bottles, is laid
out in a particularly exciting way and makes
us even less keen than ever to be shot.
http://video.google.com/videoplay
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Fuck me with a fork - it's back again
>> High Tree Spackers <<
"Dear B3ta," trills new_matt, "on the way to
work this morning I saw a lorry from this
company. I don't know whether this is amusing
or not, maybe you can decide?" Yep, that's
funny alright. Textbook in fact.
http://www.hightreespackers.com/
>> Vag Coiffure <<
"Last week's quim stuff has nothing on this,"
opines collapsibletank.
http://snipurl.com/VagCoiffure
>> S.L.A.G.S <<
"I was recently using a public toilet in
Somerset," whimpers Richie G, "and saw an
poster advertising a support group for
homosexuals. However, it had the rather
unfortunate name of the Somerset Lesbian And
Gay Society." Heh, we suspect they might have
chosen that on purpose, the naughty scamps.
-------------------------------------------------
: ASK THE B3TARDS
For when Google can't help
>> Filthy Tramp <<
Last we we asked you about the trampy bloke is
under Chiswick Flyover. Replies included:
* "Christ Almighty! He had been there for
about 6 years before I moved out of London -
and that was in 1998. Respect to him for
living there that long and not getting
evicted." (house.fly)
* "The tramp under the Chiswick flyover used
to have an excellent sign which said 'Go forth
and multiply you morons.' It made me smile
every morning." (georgiejohnson)
* "Spooner is infamous in the local area. He
even has a website" (awardle)
http://www.spoonthetramp.com/about.htm
This week: -
>> Insects and the Sun <<
"I have a question," barks General
Arfarfarnarf, "If insects are attracted to the
light in your house, why do they not, during
the day, make a bee-line straight to the sun?"
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Hollywood Dyslexia Challenge
Last week we wanted to see great movies
wrecked by dyslexic screenwriters. Millions of
you entered.
Your favourites included:
* DEL BOY - David Jason leaves Peckham for a
new life with the United States’ Bureau for
Paranormal Research and Defense (Mugatu)
* A LINE - Ridley-Scott's science fiction
masterpiece undone by a simple typo (The Great
Architect)
* DEBBIE DOES SALADS - Probably a real movie
anyway. There's a sexual niche for everything
these days... (wibblywobbly)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dyslexia/
>> New challenge: Kid's Toys For Grown-Ups <<
Scalextrix. Action Man. Lego. Kids get all the
best toys, then discover sex, booze and fags
and leave them all behind. So let's update our
childhood favourites and make versions for
grown-ups...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/grownups/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
STICKYPEDIA - a full bag this week (ho ho) on
the Wikipedia spunk photo, including:
* "Please tell me I'm not the only person
who's spotted this. But that spunk looks
exactly like the Statue of Liberty"
(Escaped_monkey)
* "That bloody Wikipedia sperm looks too much
like the outline of Freddy Mercury from behind
to be easily forgotten. I may never forgive
you." (EasyCheese)
BTW: We've photoshopped this up to make it
clear for everyone.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/6379972
And continuing the theme, we enjoyed this
comment from the discussion page on Wikipedia,
"We are looking, waiting for a better photo,
but this will do for now." Sounds like a
challenge for B3tards, can you get a better
photo of man-glue onto the site?
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Drag the dot to the square
Can you drag the dot through an increasingly
complex maze of moving shapes? We can't, but
then we're completely shit at computer games.
BTW: This is loads better than it sounds.
Trust us.
http://wiredpope.com/sticks.html
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SNAKE ESCAPOLOGY - tie a snake into various
types of knots and see how long it takes to
escape each one.
* BEER/PEE RATIOS - If you drink 8 pints of
lager, how much liquid will you pee out? Does
it vary with the strength of the beer?
* WIKIPEDIA ILLUSTRATIONS - B3tards to further
illustrate Wikipedia. Maybe the page on urine
needs a pint glass full of piss?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
GoldenNinjaWarrior, mithraea, The Virtual
Ranger, gaijintendo, acid_kewpie, DeXien,
charlesm, CCC, Monkeon Puromycin & P3te. Top
Tippery by sunny_jimbob Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. B4ta is the woo. (Who knows or
cares what this number is?)
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
To get lovely, transparent ice cubes, use
boiled water in the ice cube tray instead of
just filling it from the cold tap. Much better
than that cloudy shit.
