NEWSLETTER: "BUY OUR BOOK, ELSE WE'LL SHIT THROUGH YOUR LETTERBOX"
This Week:
* BOOK - Buy the B3ta Book you ham-touchers
* QUESTION - How we didn't lose our Virginity
* GEEKY GAME - Roses are #ff0000...
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 251 - 27 OCT 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue251/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: USE THE FILTER OR DIE
Sponsored link
Listen up Lazy B3tards. You NEED to download
The Filter because it makes it so easy for you
good-for-nothing layabouts to make decent
playlists quickly. Shuffle is a thing of
nuisance – USE THE FILTER OR DIE – Watch this
short Govt style animation to find out more.
http://www.thefilter.com/video.html
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Booky woo, Blode, Weebl & Geeky game
>> Sick Joke Book <<
Huzzah! After months of planning the B3ta
Bumper Book of Sick Jokes is finally in the
shops, and more importantly on Amazon. It's
utterly ace and rather offensive. Feedback so
far includes:
* "It's the perfect boy present!" (Rebecca)
* "My Dad loves it" (CaroWallis)
* "Stomach-churningly good" (Steven D Wright)
So come on kids, do the right thing by Uncle
B3ta.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190554828...
>> The return of Blode <<
Before Joel Veitch became famous for kitten
based rock bands he used to produce a cartoon
short called Blode. Well, after a three year
gap, Blode is back, and this timing mining for
meat on the moon. To quote our friend Tomsk,
"I really like it, it's completely mental. And
epic. Like a demented Lord of the Rings, on
the moon, with crabs."
http://www.rathergood.com/blode7/
>> Weebl does the hard sell <<
Young Jonti has built his own sweat shop and
has Chinese children knitting from dusk until
dawn creating his new range of toys. The
promotional animation he's produced is
entertaining though. Although the 'going for a
shit' sequence made us wince.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/toys+2/
>> Geekiest game ever <<
"I have made this game", honks ja128828,
"Match the hexadecimal colour codes with the
actual colour. Do as many as you can in 60
seconds, or until your brain melts down at
having to compare #f784e0 and #e4040e.'
Sheesh, this is hard, but web designers might
get a few kicks from it.
http://www.anecdota.org/htmlgames/hexcolours/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Useless Advice
We wanted useless advice that you'd been given:
http://b3ta.com/questions/uselessadvice/
And being a thoroughly useless lot, you gave
us tons of it, most of it from Grannies:
* "Don't have children too early - you know if
I'd have known about buggery when I got
married I'm not sure I'd ever have had any -
maybe you should try that instead of sex." (la
la la's friend's Nan)
* "Never trust a man, who, when left alone in
a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on"
(My_evil_twin's Dad)
* "Don't apply to Oxford University. People
get murdered there, I saw it on Inspector
Morse." (littlemsbroccoli's friend's Gran)
>> This Week's Question <<
You know how you were desperate to lose your
virginity, but when the situation actually
arose to do something about it, it was all a
bit scary? C'mon, it wasn't just us lot,
surely:
http://b3ta.com/questions/notlosingyourvirginity/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> "This person may be HIV positive" <<
Amusing little ad campaign for safe sex, based
on the "I'm with stupid" t-shirt of olden
time.
http://snipurl.com/advertisingcunts
>> Geek cats <<
You can't really go wrong with a gallery of
endearing cats. These feline beauties are
further embellished with very odd computer
game-based epithets.
http://nodwick.humor.gamespy.com/cats/cats.htm
>> Graphic designer's calendar/clock <<
An attractive way of telling the
time/date/year through a series of slowly
shifting layers. Makes you peculiarly aware of
how fast time is passing, but in a tastefully
understated way.
http://home.tiscali.nl/annejan/swf/timeline.swf
>> Unfortunate resemblance <<
Quick work with a camera caught this
remarkable similarity between crimewatch-style
photofit and dodgy-looking presenter. It's
fucking uncanny!
http://www.sayagain.co.uk/b3tapix/images/RAPPPIST....
>> Swirly, dotty music thingie <<
Based on the pioneering work of experimental
filmmaker John Whitney, this series of
animations adds appropriate acoustics to
lovely swirling dot patterns. Mellow and
relaxing or challenging and stimulating
depending on how much you want to get into it.
http://www.coverpop.com/whitney/index.php
>> Frog juice <<
What's green but turns red at the flick of a
switch? Ken Livingstone's transport policies.
Er, okay, that was just a cheap gag, but check
out this nutritious drink made from the pure
pulp of fresh frogs. Apparently big in China
and Peru, where it's seen as an aphrodisiac.
Something this disgusting is always going to
be seen as either a sex aid or a hangover
cure, isn't it?
http://snipurl.com/yummyfrogdrink
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Celebrity Death Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to show us the
excruciating yet appropriate deaths of the
rich and famous. You did so.
Your favourites included:
* ROBBIE WILLIAMS - Watch with glee as the
self-loathing pop tosser takes a crosscut saw
to his gusset. (HappyToast)
* THE QUEEN - Savour the moment as HRH is
savagely brutalised by a sex-frenzied
stallion. (M3rx)
* BEADLE - Laugh out loud as the
strangely-bearded TV twat attempts to escape a
certain fate. (HappyToast again)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_death/
>> New challenge: Icons <<
Keen boarders will know that if you give us a
few quid, we'll give you a lovely pic to
proudly display by your username. Frankly
we're bored with the icons that we've got, so
we've asked you to make some new ones.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/icon/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DRAWBALL COCK - "With a massive amount of
help from b3tans", boasts frogdoctor, "I made
a massive magenta cock at drawball.com. This
group effort took about 15 mins to look
respectable, and then evolved. Imagine how big
we could make one if you were to mention it in
the newsletter!"
http://www.drawball.com/4ynef78
* TOP TIPS UPDATED - "The tip about murderers
and getting blood out of clothes with cold
water," huffs Jezweston, who remains at large,
"No, no, no. Use shampoo, warm water and hand
washing. Its works amazingly well. I'm not a
murderer, but I do play skate hockey, hence
copious bleeding."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Pixel Blaster
"Maybe you guys will enjoy," speculates Tom
Thornton, "my latest game creation." Woo, kept
us busy for a few mins.
http://snipurl.com/rastapastablaster
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* VODKA BACON - stick a couple of packs' worth
of bacon in litre bottle of vodka. Leave it
for one week. Put the bottle in a pan of
boiling water until the bacon is cooked. Drink
bacony vodka. Smash bottle. Eat vodkary
bacon. (Thanks baldmonkey)
* SAT-NAV FOR PHONES - c'mon Nokia, we don't
give a shit about 'lifeblogging' or whatever
crappy functionality you add to your mobiles
these days, but never getting lost ever again
would rock.
* CUMBUCKET - girls get sanitary towel
disposal devices, what about us chaps?
Somewhere to stick the spunky tissues.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by justelite,
Terry fucking Nutkins, Andrew Temple and José
el Gorrion Top Tippery by Zaphod's Wombat
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry without Richard Branson. Oops!
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Props to b4ta.
(What a fucking week.)
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TOP TIP:
The best time to make a dinner reservation at
a popular place is about six hours before you
want to eat. That's when cancellations start
coming in.
