NEWSLETTER: "LEAVES YOUR BREATH, NESCAFE FRESH"
This Week:
* STUFF - Possibly about kittens
* NONSENSE - Some references to wanking
* BOLLOCKS - Yep, it's the B3ta newsletter
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 263 - 2 Feb 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue263/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Five-way B3ta peeps link-orgy of sex piss
>> Jonti cashes out <<
Mr Weebl has made so much cash out of this
internet malarky that he's been able to invest
all his pie-gotten-gains in tech stock. Watch
this live web-cam of his fat, greedy face
as his shares rise.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/stockmarket/
>> Joel being a twat <<
Veitch has been playing with some "make the
lips wobble to audio" software and produced an
owl singing about jelly. Can't wait to see
Coke try and rip this one off.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Jelly_Song
>> Robot grannies <<
Remember Mutated Monty? He's the bloke who
ended up on BBC news for gluing all his odd
little photoshops together on Youtube. He's
back, and this time with automaton
octogenarians, or cyber-oldsters, or even USB
OAPS. Can't understand a word of the audio,
but that's not the point.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Robogran
>> "It's not just food, it's wankers food"<<
"Here's a Marks & Sparks spoof I made a few
days ago," writes Joey, "possibly NSFW, but a
few people seem to like it." Woo, amused us.
Could do with a better pay off line though.
http://b3ta.com/links/This_ain_t_just_any_food_adv...
>> Manboobs <<
"Our Manboobs website is fucking brilliant,"
blubbers Shilpa Popadum, "so how about sharing
it with your illustrious readers in your
newsletter?" Ok, if only because the
collection of photos made us feel physically
sick.
http://www.manboobs.co.uk/latest.php
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
My first porn
We wanted to hear all about your first
experience of porn:
http://b3ta.com/questions/myfirstporn/
* WINDOWPORN
"At school, one enterprising twelve-year-old
had cornered the market in supplying porn
mags to the boys in our year. One such deal
took place just before the start of the
English lesson. He presented the buyer with
a new, unsoiled copy of Razzle just as the
prudish, female teacher walked in. The kid,
in a state of nervous panic, did the best
thing that he could think of: he lobbed the
offending mag out of the classroom window.
It was, however, a very windy day. And the
classroom was on the second floor. The porno
mag blew back against the window with the
centrefold presenting a picture of a lass
with her legs spread apart towards a class
of 30 12-year-old boys. The winds continued
to blow and, because the window was so large
the teacher could not reach to remove the
magazine, it stayed there for a full twenty
minutes while we learned about poetry."
(Unemployable)
* ROUNDABOUTPORN
"Got my twelve-year-old hands on some
premium jazz mags in the morning at school.
Spent the next three hours imagining all the
naughtiness inside. At dinnertime was too
randy to eat and decided to slink off and
find somewhere to practice my ever improving
self-love technique. So I decided to go and
have a wank in the middle of a roundabout
near my school. I should stress that the
roundabout was one of those massive ones
with a ring of bushes and shrubbery and
other such twatage round the perimeter...
OK, I was desperate - all the blood was
rushing from my legs and settling in my
young rod of power at the though of getting
stuck into a nearly new copy of Fiesta, so I
thought "I'll nip over there and be hidden
by the topiary." After dealing with the
maniac Northampton dinnertime traffic, I
found a nice secluded space in the centre,
spread the mags out in front of me, and
proceeded to pound my pud like my life
depended on it. A few minutes later, spent
and feeling quite pleased with myself, I had
a bit of a revelation. People at street
level couldn't see my proclamation of self
love, but... I looked up and, off to the
right of me there were about a hundred
office workers gathered at the windows on
the third and fourth floors, about five
people to a window, just sort of... frozen
there. Each and every face had a look of
horrified amusement. Personally, I was quite
happy with my lunchtime performance. But it
was a pretty long walk zipping the wee fella
away, gathering up my nudie mags, and
pretending nothing had happened."
(SpankyHanky)
* GRAMPYPORN
"I was only young, seven at the most. My mum
took my five year old brother and I to see
our Grandparents. We got to their house,
knocked on the door and waited. Moments
later my grandfather opens the door and
invites us in. And there it was, on their
extremely large television. Paused as a
highly make-upped lady is having several men
insert things into her. It scarred me for
life. The porn was bad enough, but my
grandparents?! The worst part was, they
didn't even turn it off - they just left it.
When my mum hinted to go into the kitchen
instead they replied, "It's a bit dirty in
there." (Fluffy elephants)
Many thanks also to Rachelswipe for letting us
know that the nuns at her Catholic school
glued the pages on reproduction in all the
text books together with "Nun Glue". We
shudder to think what that is.
>> This Week's Question <<
What have you read in other peoples diaries
and email that you really wish you hadn't?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/diaries/
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: BONUS SPONSORED LINK
Pjorto vs DJ eFFeX – "I am my music"
Both men claim to be music, only one can win.
You have the power to decide who takes the
crown.
http://snipurl.com/pjotro_djeffex
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> How to prank a telemarketer <<
Telemarketers - a human plague walking the
earth? Well, it's not for us to say. This
chap's found a way to turn their pestering
calls into a source of innocent amusement.
Fantastic to see the way he instantly seizes
control of the conversation and steers it the
way he wants to go.
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
>> Your new wallpaper <<
Just click the link. Don't bother reading this
bit - better you be surprised. Go ahead. Oh,
if you don't like flabby blokes' penises
tightly wrapped in satsuma netting look away
from your screen... now! NSFW.
http://tunteella.org/4chans/1164469820067.jpg
>> Dumped on live radio <<
Unbelievably harsh - man gets radio DJ to
phone up his cheating girlfriend and tell her
she's dumped, live on air. Takes a little
while to get going. Stick with it for the full
schadenfreude hit.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/You_re_Dumped
>> Jeeves alarm clock <<
It can be pretty hard to get out of bed on
these cold, wintry mornings. Imagine how much
easier it would be if Stephen Fry was inside
your alarm clock. Hmm. Actually that would be
kind of creepy. But you could do worse than
start the day with a bit of well-chosen
flattery, as in this comfortably-priced alarm
bedside item.
http://www.voco.uk.com/
>> Fords of the UK <<
Enthusiasm's a beautiful thing indeed and that
extends even to this comprehensive guide that
purports to review "every UK ford, watersplash
and tidal road". So far we haven't caught him
missing one out - can you?
http://vamp.idlers.org/~jaffa/westmidlands.htm
>> Warning: Gay bands <<
For parents concerned their child may turn out
gay, a list of pop & rock artists they should
forbid their child to listen to. Is it real?
Is it? We think we know but we're not saying.
http://lovegodsway.org/GayBands
>> Whatever happened to Ellen Feiss? <<
Cast your mind back to 2002 and you'll recall
Ellen's spot in Apple's 'Switcher' ad
campaign. She gained a lasting cult following
from the rumour that she was high on drugs
while filming. Here's an interview on what
she's been up to in the intervening years.
Just looking at that ad again on YouTube - she
does look really, really stoned.
http://macenstein.com/default/archives/509
>> Big pig sacrifice <<
Two thousand dead pigs' arses and fireworks
going off overhead. "You've won the level!"
Someone's Flickr page of a massive sacrifice
to General Chao of Wudeh temple in Taiwan. A
deity uncommonly fond of pork, it seems.
http://flickr.com/photos/avant1997/sets/7215759449...
>> Exciting text-to-speech lady <<
She will say anything you type. Even filth.
And you can change her voice to male, female
or other languages. Sadly, you can only do it
a limited number of times - ours ran out as we
were making her act out offensive national
stereotypes. Bah.
http://snipurl.com/say_the_word_bitch
>> Joan meets the Sasquatch <<
Joan Ocean, expert on ET/dolphin
communication, gives an account of her
enchanting encounters with the mythical furry
men of North America. And she gives the
Sasquatches one of her books about dolphins,
and they give her a rock in return, plus a
crudely-written note that says "God bless
you". We gave up on the third page, your
mileage may vary.
http://www.joanocean.com/sasquatch.html
>> Singing in the shower <<
Nice little sound board where you make some
naked geezer karaoke along to the radio in the
shower. What would obviously be better is if
you could turn on the cold tap making his
voice into a high-pitched squeal.
http://www.showersong.noisegames.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Two cutes is too cute
>> Let's be friends <<
"Bloody hell," mouths Rob Wazzock, "I made
the letsbefriends page for the B3ta newsletter
a couple of years back and basically forgot
about it. Just noticed that it's done about a
gazillion page views and I have loads of
unread email from people sending in their own
photos of animal friends. I've suck a few up,
you might like to have a look."
http://letsbefriends.blogspot.com/
>> Kitteny Nintendo DS <<
"Shitty beggars," yelps Thayer, "I know you
B3ta flids will go spunk mental for this
piccy. I did."
http://snipurl.com/oh_noes_i_bwoke_it
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
YouTube smells of wee and has sex with dogs
>> Star Wars with hands <<
Re-enactment of the rebels' daring space
assault on the Death Star just using hands,
gloves and the original soundtrack.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Biff's question song <<
You'll certainly know Tom Wilson better as
'Biff' Tannen from the now-legendary Back to
the Future. In fact, everybody does - and they
ask him the same questions over and over. So
to save time he made them into a song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> 'When cats attack" <<
Great soundtrack accompanies footage of
household pet on the prowl.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> New Apple ads <<
Not much to say about these commercials for
shiny, pretty computers - except what
brilliant casting for the two characters.
http://www.apple.com/uk/getamac/ads/
>> Candle retro games <<
Dedicated nerd brings to life his favourite
arcade classics via the medium of burning wax.
Impressive, although could have done with more
Tetris and less Pac-man.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Psycho wedding haircut <<
Slow to get going, but when it does - wow!
Apparently footage of a young woman coming
home with an appalling haircut an hour before
she's due to get married. She completely flips
out as the bridesmaids roll their eyes and
keep the camera running.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
People's Prayers
Conjuring up images of some sort of pesticide
to keep back crowds, this poorly thought-out
URL. (Thanks Steff)
http://www.peoplesprayers.com
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Sex Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to come up with
modern visual euphemisms for sex. Oo-er.
Your favourites included:
* STAR WARS - Han Solo's troubles with
premature man-splash, beautifully visualised
(HappyToast)
* JORDAN & PETER - Small organ or big
cathedral? You decide (The Great Architect)
* MR. ED - The tragic, romantic story of
everyone's favourite horse and his owner
Wilbur Post (monkeon)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sex/
>> New challenge: Revive The Dome <<
It seems we'll never find a use for the
UK's greatest white elephant, the
Millennium Dome. Or will we? Fire up
photoshop and show us some
alternative uses for the damn thing...
immediately
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SPACE PENIS - most news sites covered this
story about a school playing field with a cock
drawn into the ground. What we enjoyed the
most was a BBC journalist emailing us and
asking, "Is this something to do with B3ta?"
Sadly no, but we're amused that the Beeb would
immediately assume it's us.
http://snipurl.com/guardian_cocks
* SCARIEST EMAIL WE'VE EVER RECIEVED -
linda465 writes, "I have just read the
interview with Philip Howard the preacher, I
am his ex wife and mother of his four
children. He gets money from a pension about
two hundred a week which he never mentioned.
the child support agency are after him as he
has never paid a penny for his children and
for the youngest who is 14 he owes eighteen
thousand I have the letter to prove it. He is
breaking the law which makes him a sinner and
not a winner." We think that is something that
should have been sent to the SCA rather than
us.
* MORE WIKI-DEATH NONSENSE - iwantbilly
growls, "Hey, just thought you should know
that the Wikideaths made it into yesterday's
(Fri 26th) Daily Mirror in the 3am section.
They even phoned Marti Pellow for a reaction,
'I don’t know what that was all about but I’m
alive and well.'"
http://img256.imageshack.us/img256/8820/3am001ve4....
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: FRIDAY GAME
Pong / Balance game
Fiendishly tricky and yet so basic you kick
yourself when you fail at it, this is classic
Friday Game territory. The idea is to keep
both balls in the air for as long as possible
- when they fall you get a sarcastic little
French comment about your level of
intelligence. Trivia fact: Babelfish gives
'shitting' as the translation of 'chiant'.
Hmm.
http://www.zanorg.com/prodperso/jeuxchiants/double...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BURGLERY 2.0 - "I have an idea for a piece
of software that scans blog entries. It would
attempt to figure out when the authors are
away on holiday, then automatically retrieve
the whois information for that domain. Then,
every day, you'd be e-mailed a list of
addresses to burgle." (Idea from The New
Zealand Ginger)
* MOUSETURBATION - place your hand on your
mouse with your fingers separated over the
scroll wheel. Looks a bit like a minge. Now
make a 'waggle game' where you bring a lady to
climax by rubbing the scroll wheel. (We
actually once pitched this idea to a
commercial client who told us to fuck off.)
* UP HILL GARDENER - a mucky little flash game
about "turning the sod". Oh stop it, you're
killing us.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kourosism,
ska fender, PMGT, Yank Meoff, AndMcC, auawsha,
richxking, brainburger, mark darby, matt
smith, steff and kingjay, ska fender, PMGT,
Yank Meoff, AndMcC, auawsha, richxking,
brainburger, mark darby, matt smith. You're not
reading this bit so I'll just write that we're
both fucking hungover and vodka is the drink of
idiots. Top Tippery by Jeremy Cunt. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. RAGE to b4ta.
(Mongsocks 11)
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TOP TIP:
"When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch
tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle.
Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter,
then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most
splinters painlessly and easily." And read
nineteen other tips here:
http://snipurl.com/toppy_toppy_tip_tip
