NEWSLETTER: "MUSLIM MARTYRS: YOUR INSTRUCTIONS FOR BOMBING THE INFIDELS"
This Week:
* BACON - Pork alarm clock
* QUESTION - Confess your hygiene issues
* VIDEO - Bukkake Milk
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're licking our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| elbows... together"
B3ta email 269 - 23 Mar 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue269/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Shitty fuck, it's a cunt load of links
>> Fuck Starbucks <<
"Hello," hollers Robin from Space Hijackers,
"Loads of B3tards came along to Circle Line Party
before, and I'm wondering if you could pop
something in your newsletter for us? Starbucks,
everyone’s favourite nipple-less mermaid
merchants, have decided to move into the East
End with a new store in Whitechapel. We will be
setting up a stall and giving out free fair
trade teas, home-made sandwiches, and all
manner of other goodies to our neighbours, in
an attempt to show what the area will be
missing if Starbucks and their ilk are allowed
to settle in. Come - 1pm, Sat 24th March."
Sounds like fun and there's more details on the
site.
http://www.spacehijackers.org/html/welcome.html
>> Wiggly eyes <<
Azra3l has been busy sticking eyes on random
objects, and turned it into a whole community
project. So if you fancy joining in, join the
site, upload your pics and subvert the very
fabric of the universe.
http://www.teamwiggly.com/
>> Cheap Heather Mills gag <<
"Heather Mills in Strictly Come Hopping,"
explodes Joey, "And hopefully it's bad taste
enough for the newsletter." It brought a few
smirks in the B3ta HQ, so yep, it's in.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Strictly_come_hopping
>> Dragons' Den monster <<
It looks like Mutated Monty has been co-opted
by the BBC, as there is an ad for their website
at the end of his latest clip. Still, it's fine
and amusing work.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dragons_Den_monster_mash...
>> How dirty are you? <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer expels, "There's a cheesy
quiz doing the rounds on blogs and Myspace,
where you have to admit to what sexual acts
you've engaged with work out your cash fine. It
annoyed the frig out of me, doing the maths in
my head, so I spent, oooh 15 minutes, making a
version that makes your PC do the adding up."
Pointless fluff, but might amuse your teenage
daughter.
http://www.robmanuel.com/howdirtyareyou/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Cross Dressing
Last week we asked for your tranny stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crossdressing/
* FREE BLOB KIT
"When I was 14 I was stopped in Guildford
High Street by one of those people with
clipboards. She asked me, 'From the below,
please indicate your preferred brand of
sanitary towel?' We looked at each other
blankly, before she realised with horror that
I wasn't a girl. I still got a free sample
though." (browser)
* REVERSE LADYBOY
"As a 6'1" girl with an interest in amateur
dramatics I often get to play men. Most
recently I've been a convict, a neurotic
Irish hangman and a policeman. However, my
first experience of crossdressing was for a
club night at The Hippo Club in Cardiff where
they had transvestite DJs and anyone
cross-dressing got in free. A work-mate of
mine and I went as a couple - he in a pretty
lacy cardigan, curly auburn wig and tiny
miniskirt with cat boots and I in one of my
dad's suits with a drag-king moustache.
Whilst we both got in free, he had a better
night than me as after about an hour I lost
him only to find him exchanging oral fluids
with some woman in the corner. It was only
much, much later that he told me that the
woman in question was a) E'd off her face, b)
a lesbian and c) so shocked when she reached
under his skirt and found his cock that she
nearly knocked him out." (EricPhillips)
* TRANNY MAN
"When I was younger, I dressed my little
bro's Action Man in Barbie clothes. My
brother went mental, but I didn't hear Action
Man complaining." (Small Czechoslovakian
Traffic Warden)
>> This Week's Question <<
How skanky are you and your friends? Sweat
rings on your office chair? Bed sheets you can
see through? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/personalhygiene/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Top 15 Unintentionally Funny Comic Panels <<
Law of web comedy number 1: stuff is funnier if
it's not meant to be funny, as the bloke who
started Popbitch once said to us, "Real life is
mind-bendingly funny, what is the point of
fiction?" In that spirit, absorb this.
http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2007/03/top...
>> Incest cards <<
"I felt it my civic duty," pomps Rushy, "to
bring the sort of filth being peddled in
(formerly) respectable supermarket chain Tesco
to your attention. Who would have thought
society would degrade to the point where even
the incestuous have their own greetings cards."
Well, we know what we're buying the official
B3ta wife next year.
http://www.b3tards.com/u/560d1e05624b607ada58/gf.j...
>> Arnold Schpazzenegger <<
Net-aficionados will remember the clip of
Batman going "mm mhhmm nnnhnn mmmmh", check out
its spiritual follow-up, and as the sender
Surak in says, "I just received this and I
could not believe it did not come from b3ta!"
http://eeuauaughhhuauaahh.ytmnd.com/
>> Wake-up with bacon <<
Sleepy meat lovers! Let all your pork dreams
come true with an alarm clock that serves
freshly cooked salty pig with your morning
call. A perfect gift for your mum.
http://www.mathlete.com/portfolio/wakeNbacon.php
>> Tights for men <<
Boys! Worried your legs are losing their
youthly definition? Wear some lovely denier
pantyhose. It's very manly and we hope it
catches on.
http://www.mytights.com/mytights/1590.html
>> Black or white? <<
A couple of weeks ago we ran a
semi-controversial image challenge (i.e. a
handful of people moaned) on getting you to
change the ethnicity of famous people. Here's
some nice albino black people, it's nature's
photoshop.
http://eatliver.com/i.php
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Video big on the web soon, apparently
>> I would roll 500 miles <<
A link for our overseas anglophile readers;
currently storming the UK charts is this
charity single featuring two comedians in
wheelchairs singing the Proclaimers hit. Best
bit? All the really low-rent celeb cameos.
Charity is not normally this bad taste or dark.
Thumbs up, A++++, would buy again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Wee wee piss piss <<
Japanese Toilet Training for Kids, half the
blogs in the universe are linking this at the
moment. For our money, it's not comedy, but
actually quite a clever way of potty training
your sprogladite.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> The Incredible Mouth Band <<
Nice little home-made pop video where the bass
says 'bass' and the drums say 'kick'. You get
the picture. (Thank slamandchips)
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Bukkake Milk <<
Sharleyq was one of many who wrote, "Best
commercial ever. Bukkake Milk!!!! The best
part is the feline disrespect from behind.
Gotta love Japanese TV." We can't actually tell
whether this is a real product, or a clip from
a comedy show. Funny either way.
http://www.filecabi.net/video/BukkakeMilk.html
>> Yay for Harry Enfield <<
Once-great UK comedian, now sadly fallen
from fashion. Remember him this way. (Thanks
to bucsie for reminding us.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Triple nipple cripple action
* MR COCK - Ed Rowland tells us, "An amusingly
named shop from Bariloche Argentina. I
recommend not sending your kids here."
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/99/287792641_ea751f...
* FANNY PFISTER - Daddypigsaw gets in touch to
report this remarkably common name.
http://www.google.co.uk/search
* THE LAST MIMZY - hagis_uk was one of several
who pointed out that this new film has a
dubious title. (We also enjoyed The Constant
Gardener from 2005.)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0768212/maindetails
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: HUMAN ZOO
Fitness lady with no arms
Hats off to this lovely lady who - despite
lacking upper limbs - has toned her body to
Californian perfection. You'll be wanting to
check the photo section for the images that are
flitting into our "will God deny our place in
Heaven if we wank to this" collection.
http://www.fitnessunarmed.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Board Games Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what happens when
board game play occurs in real-life
surroundings. Your favourites included:
* MONOPOLY - there's nothing more splendid than
a miniature iron and a lovely big pair of
underpants (salad o'abstraction)
* MONOPOLY II - the current scandals
surrounding ITV's call-in competitions have
nothing on this outrageous debacle (Manic)
* MONOPOLY III - Sheriff John Bunnell brings
his unique brand of justice to the board (Ad7)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/board_games/
>> New challenge: Movie Combos <<
A Bridge Too (Far) From the Madding
Crowd. A View to a (Kill) Bill. The
Extraordinary League of (Gentlemen)
Prefer Blondes. You get it - combine
two movies and show us the visuals.
Challenge suggested by wibblywobbly.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/movie_combos/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ODD-FACED PHOTOS - felixthehat writes, "You
linked to us in your B3ta email 219. Just a
note to say we've finally updated it so people
can upload their own - and rate others' efforts.
Also notable is the 'celebrities' section
starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Mostly
notable that they are the *only* celebrities
so far, and they suck at blowing."
http://www.blowersworld.com/
* SHIT ART - Weirdlittlebiscuit was one of many
who wasn't impressed with our last week's
linking to the ZX Spectrum tape art (£450 per
item!) and writes, "Wanna buy some of my 'art'.
Hope ebay don't remove it."
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
* 2P MELTDOWN - Horatio P Lemming scribes,
"Melting down 1p and 2p coins will only work if
you find old coins. For years now, they've
been replacing them with ones that look the
same, but which have a steel core in the middle
to make them cheaper. The newer ones are
slightly thicker to keep the weight the same,
but the obvious way to tell is to try to pick
them up with a magnet. Only put non-magnetic
ones in the melting pot." So the challenge is
still on...
* WHEN LIVERPOOL ATTACKS - having our own Boris
Johnson moment at B3ta Towers as we recently
front-paged a photoshop of a scouser joke with
a Hillsborough comment. Our inbox floodeth over.
Including:
+ "I lost family an friends at Hillsborough an
find that one image truly offensive." (G.Hill)
+ "Sorry but there are just some things that
aren't funny - even in an 'ironic' sense and
that is one of them. That is so utterly
offensive. I can not even begin to understand
how you or anyone would find that amusing.
F*cking grow up." (goonerob9)
Anyway, have your say - is the Ginger Fuhrer
secretly bumming Kelvin MacKenzie?
http://www.b3ta.com/board/6989281
* JET THE GLADIATOR / THERAPIST - Ottoq noticed
something we missed when linking her site,
"Subliminal: her website is designed and hosted
by 'Give the Dog a Bone'. No further comment
necessary." Harsh really, we still think she's
hot, even if another reader wrote in and said
she's married to "someone big."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TIME LAPSE VIDEO - we've been playing with a
nice little application called Gawker which
allows you to make simple time-lapse films
using a webcam. Here's one someone (not us)
made earlier - maybe you can do better?
http://www.evilmadscientist.com/media/snails2.mov
* KRS-ONE FOR KIDS - rework the classic song as
a childrens' sing-a-long, "Whoop! Whoop! It's da
sound of da police. Helping old ladies across
the street, making the neighborhood safe." It
would amuse us anyway.
* A CURE FOR GINGER HAIR, cigarettes that cure
cancer and a money tree. Cheers.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by : jojo-a-go-go,
sparky64, the RAND corporation and SickRik. Top
Tippery by LOLerskate Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. B4ta, fuck yeah! Newsletter
title by Zak McFlimby.
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TOP TIP:
Sharks are attracted to shiny jewellery (they
shimmer like fish scales do). Remove any rings,
necklaces, etc. before swimming in the ocean.
