NEWSLETTER: "OUR INNER PAEDOPHILE FUCKING YOUR INNER CHILD"
This Week:
* HEROIN - Cook-up some pancakes
* INTERVIEW - Adam Buxton
* MINCE - Now an alphabet
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 271 - 6 April 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue271/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cats, Breakfasts, Penis songs & Buxton
>> Hats for cats <<
It's Easter and a time for lots of shiny,
discarded foil paper to be lying around. Rather
than throwing it in the bin AND RAPING OUR
PLANET why not make some stylish headgear for
your favourite feline?
http://rapitinui.blogspot.com/2007/04/hats-for-cat...
>> Breakfast in the post <<
"I'm here to tell you about a joke I pulled on
my friend Rich today," beams Barrie Wilmot,
"It's so awe-inspiringly fantastic I just HAD
to share it with you! I sent my friend a full
English breakfast via Royal Mail!" The beans
posed a particular challenge... Check it out
while Geocities' puny bandwidth holds up.
http://www.geocities.com/barriewilmot
>> The Ballad of Peniston <<
Those musical Veitches and a variety of chums
spin us the tale of the tragic rise and fall of
the mining town they called Peniston. We'd put
more knob gags here but they've already used
them up in the song.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Ballad_of_Peniston
>> Adam Buxton Interview <<
Adam Buxton once bestrode our screens like a
televisual Tyrannosaur as part of comedy duo
Adam & Joe. We liked it lots. Now he's turned
up on YouTube making amusing video shorts.
Loads of people on our messageboard were
bigging them up so we thought it was about time
we got in touch and gave him the B3ta treatment.
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/adambuxton/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
'Childhood ambitions'
Some of our favourite stories from the last
week included:
* TRAMP
"Outside WH Smith with a few friends when we
were about 14. A tramp suddenly lunged from a
bush with his cock hanging out, and did a
little dance while he blew through a
harmonica. As we stood in stunned silence he
asked for a pound and then said 'look lads,
honestly, I know it looks like a romantic
lifestyle but it has its downsides. If you
can, go for the 9-5.'" (browser)
* SELF-LOATHING
"I had a burning desire to enter my thirties
having had limited sexual experience with
only a few people, to have worked a
succession of bottom end McJobs that offer
almost nothing in the way of financial,
creative or emotional return, leading me to
question the 'work and reward' theory that
the western world is based on. I also wanted
to be a prematurely balding, over weight,
heavy smoking borderline alcoholic with an
occasional gambling problem and lack of self
worth. Praise be! Kids, your dreams CAN come
true!" (sir_spicious2000)
* B3TA GETS YOU NEARLY SACKED (AGAIN)
"Just did an interest calculation online and
saved it onto client folder as a word
screendump because there was no print option.
Once you've saved it to the client folder,
there is no deleting it. So to my horror, now
I've gone back into the client folder to
print it out, I must have had B3ta in the
background. nice and clearly, behind the
calculation window, is a huge grey box
screaming about DISEASED FANNIES. It was
never my childhood ambition to be sacked for
saving indelible scat on my clients' data."
(rachelswipe)
More, oh such more, on the site.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/childhoodambitions/
>> Housemates from hell <<
Should be a good week this week, as any readers
of 'He Died with a Felafel in His Hand' should
know, flat-share stories are the best.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/housematesfromhell/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Pancake-making genius <<
If you happen to have a lot of drug-taking
paraphernalia you might want to try out this
interestingly alternative suggestion on how to
make a pancake. Actually, the tiny little
spoon-cooked pancakes look rather tasty.
http://www.baraskit.se/random/archive/8/pancake2.h...
>> Lucy Pinder has nipples <<
The big news for onanists this week is that
after three years of playing coy, Lucy Pinder
has finally got her raspberries out for the
camera. We're curious to see how this effects
her career - surely 99% of her appeal was the
tease? (In no way is this simply an excuse to
link to some NSFW bap-shots.)
http://forum.phun.org/showthread.php
>> Mince Alphabet <<
Bored with Comic Sans? Nothing gets the message
across like words composed entirely of nasty,
fatty shrink-wrapped no-frills mince. Gah.
http://www.robertbolesta.com/2005/valuepack.htm
>> Sex-poodle man <<
Not really safe for work, unless your work
happens to pertain to drawings of cocktacular
men dressed as dogs, having sex with poodles
and farting and shitting uncontrollably. Oh and
cute butterflies. Maybe it's a gay thing.
Possibly.
http://robclarke.net/b_v1/poodle1.htm
>> Sir Bono - the internet speaks <<
Do a Google Image search for "Bono" - look at
the fourth image across. Yes. Bonus points if
you can name that image - more points if you
refrain from telling us as we know too.
http://snipurl.com/odd_one_out
>> Where company names come from <<
Gives an interesting insight into the
background of some household names with a link
to Wikipedia's more comprehensive list. No room
for our favourite though: Odeon standing for
'Oscar Deutsch Entertains Our Nation.'
http://www.fortymedia.com/blog/post/69
>> Nude suits <<
Artistic types SUBVERT THE VERY NATURE of
clothing by wearing stuff printed with
life-size representations of naked bodies.
Also, as so much art seems to, involves
pictures of breasts and willies - so everyone's
a winner really.
http://themightysven.carbonmade.com/projects/37941
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Youtube wins the internet as usual
>> Real Alan Partridge <<
Blimey - you've got to see this clip from
Bid-up TV, the presenter IS Alan Partridge. And
on that bomb-shell, here's the link.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_real_life_Alan_Partr...
>> Alanis Morissette 'My Humps' <<
Alanis is attempting to extend her 15 minutes
beyond her mental "it's like ten thousand
spoons when all you need is a knife" lyric by
covering The Black Eyed Peas 'My Humps'. And
quite an extra-ordinary job she does of it too.
Although oddly the art direction makes her look
like Lily Allen.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_Humps_Alanis_Morisset...
>> 10 Commandments vid <<
Blokey here sings his rules of life. Oddly
popular at the moment, we're guessing that the
kids are looking for direction in their
meaningless lives. Or maybe they just like the
tune.
http://snipurl.com/singysongy
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the druggie challenge
Last week we wanted you to pretend to be eight
years old, then design anti-drugs posters. You
played along.
Your favourites included:
* HALLUCINOGENS - For anyone who's never
dropped acid, this devastating image portrays
*exactly* what it's like (Smallbrainfield)
* T.W.A.T - Who needs FRANK when you can talk
to C.U.N.T? (yanmania...)
* BE SMART - Anti-drugs literature as produced
by the American right (moppymopmop)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/anti-drugs/
>> New challenge: Truth in Advertising <<
As part of our occasional series of old
challenges revisited, this week we want you to
imagine a world in which all advertising tells
the truth...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/truth_in_advertising...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* REVENGE OF THE DALEKS - SiX blithers, "on
last weeks newsletter you had a Dalek cake. It
was shit. My attempt, although smaller, means
you get to eat a Dalek each."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mr-six/278589389/
* QUIZ ERRATA - John Mcaleer informs, "Having
taken last week's 'filthy bastard' test, I was
somewhat disappointed to find no mention of
'shat in a guitar string envelope and left it
on the bonnet of the neighbour's car', as my
bass-playing friend did some time ago. What's
the fine for such creativity?" £50, and tell
your mate to send the cash ASAP as we know
someone big.
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: FRIDAY GAME
The Ultimate Quiz
Mammoth Flash-based quiz testing your ability
to think laterally or, in some cases, just
exactly like the guy who built the thing.
Despite the somewhat randomly unjust nature of
some of the answers, this kept us happily
bashing away for longer than just about
anything else in the newsletter this week.
http://snipurl.com/best_quiz_evah
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* NUMBERPLATE EVILS - nameleft writes, "A mate
of mine worked on the TFL congestion zone
software. He claims the cameras just look for
any old text and check to see if it matches
license plates in the DVLA database. Basically
if it reads a number and it thinks its a car,
you get a ticket. I don't live anywhere near
London so I was hoping you could get one of
your slaves to print up a t-shirt with their
boss's license plate number on it and spend the
day wandering around the city getting snapped
by as many cameras as possible. If this works
(which I doubt) I thought there's probably some
money in an online service to print and deliver
t-shirts to your door with the number plate of
your victim. (Incidentally he also claims that
the cameras will capture a picture of all
un-recognised numbers. These get sorted
manually. There is a "breast file" for all
those nice girlie t-shirts that get snapped)."
Interesting stuff we thinks.
* TRAIN PHONE SEX - writerblock suggests
shouting whilst on public transport, "Hello!
Yes, I'm on a train! Yes! I'm touching myself
now!"
* MARMITE MOONSHINE - true story, it seems
prisoners in Surrey were using the
popular/unpopular yeasty sandwich spread to
ferment their own fruit-based alcohol. Then
they went on a Pruno-fuelled riot. Anyone fancy
trying this at home?
http://snipurl.com/my_mate_marmite
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by FILTHIO. Top
Tippery by Penile. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Although he's buggered off on holiday so
Rob ran it this week, if that really matters.
Props to b4ta. Blame Ptolemy for the newsletter
title, not us.
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TOP TIP:
To stop creepy crawlies getting in to your
bed, move your bed away from the wall and cover
the bottom of each leg with Vaseline.
