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NEWSLETTER: "SEE YOU LATER MASTURBATOR - IN A WHILE PAEDOPHILE"

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This Week:
* VIDEO - Dog shags cat
* WEEBL - New toon
* MATHS - Wanking addiction measured in kittens

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're flicking the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       bean... together"

B3ta email 273 - 20 April 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue273/

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: SPONSORED LINK
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http://www.Discoo.co.uk


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Buying sponsorship on B3ta makes you look big
  and clever. 
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: JOHNNY MORRIS'S ANIMAL MAGIC
  B3ta stylee, of course

  >> Rico loves Jefferson <<
  A tale of forbidden love, to rival Romeo and
  Juliet. Well, okay, just a quick vid of a very
  randy dog and a cat who doesn't seem entirely
  displeased with the attention. The little perv. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pqkJD6uCcY


  >> Milking an elephant <<
  'Milking' is a euphemism, of course, for giving
  it a wank. Our childhood dreams of being a
  zookeeper lie in tatters thanks to this footage
  of a jolly German enthusiastically stimulating
  the lucky pachyderm's prostate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjDMfNSJICU


  >> Sex doll for dogs <<
  Possibly the only product we can think of where
  the sex they're selling you is canine. Yup lots
  of pics of this strangely abstract doggy
  'marital aid' in the throes of passion with a
  variety of terriers, poodles and other lapdogs.
http://snipurl.com/real_doll_for_dogs


  >> Pigs that want to be eaten <<
  We've all spotted those strange almost outsider
  art that adorns independent butchers - pigs
  pulling sausages out of their bellies asking
  to be eaten. Here's a fine collection of
  similar nonsense. 
http://suicidefood.blogspot.com/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Jonti and boozes  

  >> New Jonti toon <<
  First Jonti created Weebl, then the one with
  the insanity prawn that lived on the moon, and
  now? He's only gone and created a brand new
  series. We've quizzed him on where it goes
  next, and he promises us that he has "a vague
  plan mapped out." Should be good.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Parsley+Boobs+ep1/


  >> Best-value alcohol ever <<
  Last week we asked you to visit an off licence
  and do some clever maths to work out the best
  alcohol / volume / cash ratio. el_grimley
  writes, "My mate Jim made this a while back.
  Which shows tramps and chavvy teenagers get it
  right every time. He's getting married soon too
  so if you include him in the newsletter, can
  you wish him well."
http://www.foodfight.org.uk/other/images/trampindex.pdf


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Please Sleep With Me

  Last week we wanted to know how far you'd gone
  to get a shag off your object of desire:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pleasesleepwithme/

  * NOT TRYING
    "Years ago I was sitting in a pub with my
    mate Derek. We were playing a game whereby
    you shake all your change up, then stack it
    and try to guess whether the next one down is
    heads or tails. As we were playing, Derek
    noticed a rather fetching girl watching.
    "Hello," he said. "Hello," she replied, "what
    are you doing?" "We're playing a game where
    you try to guess whether the next one down is
    heads or tails. If you're right, you keep the
    coin and go again... and so on until the
    stack is done. Whoever has the most coins
    wins and the loser has to buy the round of
    drinks." "That sounds like fun," she said.
    "Do you wanna go?" he asked. "Um.. OK," she
    said, picking up her bag and jacket and
    walking to the door. Derek sat there for
    about five seconds before he realised she'd
    heard "do you want to go" instead of "do you
    want a go". He shrugged, drained his beer,
    then walked out the door with her. And yes,
    apparently she was an excellent shag. He
    STILL has no explanation for this utterly
    random act of good fortune." (difficultchild)
     
  * TRYING TOO HARD
    "God there's some shameful stuff when I think
    about it... How about the time I drove
    someone from Brum to Oxford without my
    glasses on at two in the morning so she could
    return her satnav to a friend? Result: shag.
    Or the time I took a friend to a swingers
    party only to watch her get ganged by six
    coloured gentlemen? Result: not a sausage.
    "Oh God, I've always wanted to see two guys
    together", she says... Result: two shags and
    a sore bum. I'm not even bi. In my defence,
    she was very very hot." (Brother_Will)
     
  * DEBORAH TURNBULL
    "At school I walked around all day with my
    trousers tucked into my socks to impress
    Deborah Turnbull. I was 14. My teacher called
    me an 'imbecile' and Deborah didn't speak to
    me for the next two years. I ride a bike to
    work now and occasionally arrive with
    trousers tucked in. Just the other day, a
    secretary bared her breasts at me and
    beckoned me into the stationery cupboard for
    a blow job with loads of tongue action. So
    fuck you, Deborah Turnbull. Actually, that
    last bit's not true." (frankspencer)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  "We have to talk". Nothing good has ever
  followed these words. Tell us all about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wehavetotalk/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Cock-up is the new advertising? <<
  Readers have spotted graffiti to promote a new
  film and, on checking the URL, it appears the
  agency has forgot to register it. Or have they?
  It would be a brave campaign to pretend this
  was the case, and certainly very effective at
  getting your marketing message out.
http://www.ragevirus.com/


  >> Russian Cakes <<
  What's that famous anecdote? 'Nasa spent $10m
  developing a pen that would write in zero
  gravity, the Russians used a pencil.' And the
  Ruskies bring a similar level of ingenuity to
  their cake making, and as they say in the
  former communist republic, 'naughty but
  niceski.'
http://englishrussia.com/?p=851


  >> Mathsturbation vs kittens  <<
  The pre-Youtube generation will remember the
  days when 'internet funny' meant your dick-head
  mate sending you a photo of a skipping cat
  entitled, 'every time you masturbate, God kills
  a kitten.' But have you ever wondered about the
  maths of that? 
http://snipurl.com/wanking_vs_cats


  >> Preston is a cock dribble <<
  Overseas readers will neither know or care who
  Preston is, but here goes, he's a cocky little
  gobshite who once appeared on Big Brother and
  has stuck out a couple of records. The talk
  page on Wikipedia details UK's antipathy to the
  diminutive twerp quite effectively.
http://snipurl.com/wikipedia_Preston


  >> How do mouse pointers work? <<
  Nice Japanese viral featuring lots of men
  holding up a MASSIVE mouse. No idea what it's
  promoting, probably sushi or school girls'
  knickers.
http://www.1-click.jp/


  >> Second-hand car: Confidential <<
  "I've just finished some fascinating reading
  about a reporter who worked undercover for two
  car dealerships. Enjoy!" writes Grampa.
  Indeed, it's a great story that kept us reading
  for blimming yonks.
http://snipurl.com/all_salesmen_r_cunts


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  World's smallest teddy bear

  We've never understood why of all animals, that
  a bear would be picked as a suitable toy for
  children, being as they are beastly, fearsome
  things. Still, when they are little they are
  terribly cute.
http://www.baraskit.se/random/archive/10/teddy_bear2.html 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Viddies for kiddies, fliddies and biddies

  >> Jack Black is Computer Man <<
  An unlikely mishap brings a bloke's PC to
  life... as Jack Black in a particularly
  low-budget costume. Actually, a lot of the charm
  is that it just looks like a couple of mates
  mucking about with a video camera.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Computer_Man


  >> 90's rock kid video diary <<
  Blast from the past with Midlands-based thrash
  metalhead Chris Needham wandering the streets of
  Loughborough with his best mate on camera and
  little brother in tow. He's a very droll man
  - and check out the hair!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqJhX9EIotk


  >> The Fonz meets paedophilia <<
  A stomach-wrenchingly awkward and embarrassing
  spectacle ensues as a variety of American TV
  celebrities attempt sex education in song form.
  We didn't even manage to sit through the whole
  thing. Possibly NSFW, if your boss isn't keen on
  words like 'vulva'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agK2uZBNbnU


  >> Very early South Park <<
  Again harking back to 1992, and what a golden
  TV year that clearly was, a very very early
  South Park. Weirdly, it looks a bit like a
  shit version of Snoopy. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T0ZYqqlwR4


  >> Rita and Sue in 6 Minutes Too <<
  Very quick dance remix of a Bradford-based
  80s drama about an affair between two
  schoolgirls and a married man. Lots of quotes,
  awkward car-based sex and giggling.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rita_and_sue_in_6_minutes_too


  >> Kid breaks glass with head <<
  You'd think it was obviously a bad idea to try
  to smash a massive pane of glass with your head
  but this boy does it several times until he
  succeeds. If you can call that 'success'.
  Supposedly, the guy holding the camera and
  encouraging him is his dad, which is rather
  alarming.
http://b3ta.com/links/80945#post80945


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Triple-way randy / cock / vag action

  * COCKCHAFER - possibly the best named Beetle
  ever. Bonus fact: like horse, considered a
  delicacy by The French.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cockchafer

  * CHIEF RANDY PERSON - ok, the Randy joke has
  been done many-a-time, but seldom so well.
http://www.ci.xenia.oh.us/police/default.htm

  * DICK KUNTZ - our BBC correspondent Scaryduck
  writes, "There is, of course, nothing funny
  about American University shootings this week. 
  Apart from a guy called Dick Kuntz, of course.
  Dick. Kuntz."
http://www.guardian.co.uk/worldlatest/story/0,,-6567429,00.html 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Self-Help Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to imagine self-help
  books for kids.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SUESS - A beginner's guide to green eggs and
  Nigerian scams (WillF)

  * PORN - Introduce your children to the
  unfettered joys of surfing for smut (Doctor
  When)

  * WANK - It's not all bad, honest. Teach kids
  the truth about the rich pleasures of
  cock-handling (Redbull_(UK))

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/self-help/


  >> New challenge: 9/11 Conspiracies <<
  Imagine you're a crackpot conspiracy theorist.
  You must have some far-fetched opinion of what
  really happened on 9/11. Please share it with
  us using Photoshop's black magic.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/conspiracies/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CHEAP BOOZE CHALLENGE - continuing the
  earlier theme bobby_onions writes, "I used to
  teach C and C++ to HND students. They never
  found it interesting until I set them an
  exercise to write a program that worked out the
  best value alcoholic drink. Results (at the
  time) were that SHERRY was the best value, then
  cider, then spirits. Things have probably
  changed now but I can assure you there were
  some newly-formed sherry drinkers roaming the
  streets of Coventry for a while."


  * LOTTERY PLAN REFUTED - last week we asked if
  all 13 million (yeah right) B3ta readers
  bought a lottery ticket covering all the
  numbers, could be make more money than we put
  in? Many of you wrote in to say it was a
  dreadful idea. including Ian who wrote, "As
  Sartre said, Hell is other people. The flaw in
  the lottery plan is other people too. Other
  people getting the right numbers, dividing the
  jackpot, and reducing your take to less than
  your investment. God I wish I was funny."


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Clicky round thing 

  In a parallel universe Underworld are currently
  singing, "clicky clicky round thing, clicky
  clicky round thing", as we've entitled this
  rather woosome little challenge. It's a
  frustrating little fucker.
http://www.k2xl.com/games/boomshine/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ROTTEN ART - LOLerskates writes, "If you
  place a slice of bologna on the hood of
  someone's car on a sunny day, it'll eat the
  paint off in a nice, neat circle. It's always
  fun to make holes in the shape of eyes and a
  smiley face, though, so your victim will smile
  every time he sees the big patch of missing
  paint on his car." We'd like to see evidence
  please.

  * SLOW-MOTION CUM SHOTS - borrow one of those
  1000FPS cameras and film our own (if you're a
  bloke) ejaculation. 

  * DIAMOND TIPPED RAZOR BLADES - that always
  stay sharp and never need replacing.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by fse357, social hand
  grenade, GlazedEye, h0ly_j0e, dr_zoidberg, and
  Parmesan. Top Tippery by setimret. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subject line
  honours go to Roland E O'Dorant. And the
  question on everyone's lips, just who is B4ta?  

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  TOP TIP:
  Apples are the best cure for coffee breath.

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