NEWSLETTER: "WELCOME TO SHEFFIELD, TWINNED WITH ATLANTIS"
This Week:
* SEMEN - B3tan eats his own
* QUESTION - Why were you late?
* T-SHIRTS - Pixel Hitlers!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Is that a gun in your
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | pocket, or are you just
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| pleased to see me?"
B3ta email 283 - 29 Jun 2007
"Bit of both, this is a rape."
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue283/
Spit: [email protected]
Swallow: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Mental dancing
Krumping is a form of street dance, chiefly
characterised by wildly expressive arm waving
and basically looking a bit mad. The
Wirebreakers are a group of kids taking it one
stage further - spontaneously dancing in front
of complete strangers across the US this
summer. You heard it here first.
http://snipr.com/wirebreakers_1
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We have an army of sexy hedgehogs waiting for
your email.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Newspapers, Semen and We Are Framley
>> Local newspaper-baiting <<
Uncyclopedia is reverse of the Wikipedia idea,
basically using the same format but filling it
with (often amusing) horse-shit. Our very own
Duke of Prunes has recently been filling his
time by writing lies about his home town of
Dingwall. Little did he expect that his local
paper would run it as a front page story. Slow
news day or what?
http://dukeofprunes.co.uk/picts/random/northstar.j...
>> Semen-eating <<
Couple of weeks back we asked you to cook with
your own man-fluid. Vic Jameson writes, "That
reminds me! I think a taste test between the
interior of a Creme Egg and my jizz is somewhat
pertinent." Blimey. This is so going to be
pulled from youtube. And the chances that
Cadbury will buy it as some sort of viral
campaign are slim to say the least.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Framley Examiner UPDATED <<
Long-term connoisseurs of all things web have
been weeping for the near three-year lack of
updates on the spoof newspaper site Framley
Examiner. Mozza, of that esteemed organ, has
just got in touch to bring us the exclusive
news that they're back, and "would we stand a
shitting chance of making it into your rude
newsletter?" Absolutely! Pride of place!
http://www.framleyexaminer.com
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Mentossers, Cocks and Cunts
>> Mentos ads <<
Mentos is currently promoting its brand of
tooth-rotting mint with a site where you can
'live chat to Trevor, our intern.' Poor
bastard, people have been going on there all
week and hurling abuse. A small sample, as
collected by WordBomb from our links board, can
be found here. But there was more, so much more.
http://adwrecker.blogspot.com/
>> Rude Topiary <<
"I know it's shit," admits pineapplecharm, "but
it's the thought that counts. Plus, the bush
wasn't tall enough to make a towering priapic
monument. So it's a bit stubby." Heh, love the
idea. But do you have a better-endowed
shrubbery?
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Underground cunts gig <<
Remember that song that did the round a year or
so back, "London Underground, they're all lazy
useless fucking cunts"? Well, the writers are
doing a gig and the promoter is a friend of
ours and has strong-armed us to link to it,
"It's next week and I know their song was quite
popular among B3tans. What would be the best
way to convince you to plug it in the mailout
this week?" A big cash bung would be nice. Well
it would!
http://www.fridaytowers.com/fitness/gig.php
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The most horrific thing you've ever seen
Last week we asked for the horrible things you
have seen. We were young. We were innocent. We
simply didn't imagine the truly gruesome stuff
you lot would end up posting. Please don't read
any of these if you've eaten recently:
http://b3ta.com/questions/horriblesights/
* POOR LOVE
"I went to Download Festival last week. As is
the norm, there were two big video screens
either side of the main stage with cameras
beaming up images of whatever act is on for
the benefit of the farther-flung spectators.
In between acts, the camera would zoom in on
pretty ladies in the crowd, and the lady would
- in general - treat the crowd to a flash of
her norks to a resounding "RAAAAAAYYYY" from
the appreciative audience. It chanced that the
camera zoomed into a more hirsute young lady,
and being excited at the sight of herself
on-screen, she lifted up her garments to bare
a floppy, spaniels-ear-esque pair of boobs and
a pale, quivering gut. I don't want to be
unkind to her but it really wasn't a pretty
sight. The audience clearly thought so too, as
a resounding cheer of "RAA - ooooooouuuuff"
shook the air." (Droog)
* THEY NEED AIR
"In my field of employment (looney nursing)
you see lots. I was sitting drinking tea with
some other staff members when a male patient
walked in with a piece of glass in his hand.
He then calmly cut a two inch long hole in his
scrotum, pulled each testicle through the
hole, smiled at us, then walked out. The most
horrific thing for me now is that all this
sort of thing really doesn't bother me much
anymore." (31eeweep)
* A BIG STIFFIE
"Two guys attempted to rob the newsagent's
next door to my Papa's shop. They duly kicked
the door in and ran into the back store in an
attempt to steal as much stuff as they could.
They were greeted by the sight of a dead body,
lying in a coffin surrounded by flowers. Cue
screaming and panic: one faints and the other
legs it. They'd broken into the wrong shop, my
Papa's funeral parlour. The one that fainted
was found by the Police, lying on the floor
next to the corpse." (hudster)
And finally, what Google Ads makes of all this
creepy content is truly disturbing. Capitalism
rules, eh? (thanks Mr Snuggly)
http://snipr.com/theywillsellanything
>> This Week's Question <<
Why were you late? Make your excuses here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/late/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> V-tech, the 8-bit game <<
In possibly the worst-taste idea of all time,
cybertwats have put together a simple shoot 'em
up based upon the Virginia Tech massacre, where
Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people. Maybe you can
beat his high score in this opportunistic lump
of trash.
http://googumproduce.com/vtech.php
>> Hand-held booze filter <<
We've previously covered the idea of using
Brita water filters to make cheap vodka taste
less skanky. Looks like someone took note, as
it's now been turned into a handy product. Big
prize to the first B3ta reader who fills it
full of piss and drinks it.
http://graykangaroo.com/
>> When fat people lose weight <<
Wake up internet fatties, it's all very well to
go on a crash diet and lose 30 stone, but what
on earth do you do with the excess skin? Well,
you could take photos and stick them online we
suppose.
http://throughweb.net/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Pigs that paint
Despite the Daily Mail being written by Nazis
for Nazis, you've got to tip your hat to their
sweet-toothed picture editor who's been
selecting some excellent stuff recently.
http://snipr.com/dailynazicutepigs
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Animated Gifs are the next big thing
>> Goat licking an electric fence <<
It's always seemed a bit of a dull existence,
being domesticated livestock - now we know how
they get their kicks. To be honest, electric
fences always seemed kind of cruel to us, but
he really does seem to be having fun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Slo mo compilation <<
Spectacular clips of high FPS video, starting
with some fun water balloon stuff before moving
on to the inevitable business of shooting eggs
with a gun. Is there ever a reason to shoot an
egg with a gun if you're not making a
slow-motion video?
http://snipr.com/slo_mo_cyber_rolfs
>> Singing lightning bolt <<
Well alright, in fact it's a Tesla coil. Fancy
engineering trickery makes the high voltage
sparks of electricity sound out musical tones.
Geek points awarded for recognising the tunes
they play.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Cat breakdown <<
Cat completely spazzing out - does funny
internet video get any better than this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "Rickrolled" <<
Rickrolling is tricking someone into
accidentally watching the video to Rick
Astley's debut single 'Never Gonna Give You
Up". This is usually done by pretending the
link is to something completely unrelated and
extremely interesting.
http://youtube.com/watch
>> Star Trek freakout <<
Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit provides the
soundtrack to this collection of Star Trek
overacting. We always like being reminded what
a bizarre show that really was. It gets better
as you go along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> How to get inside a giant balloon <<
For reasons probably best left unexplored, this
bloke is trying to climb inside an enormous
rubber bladder. His muttered commentary to
camera is fantastic and the little dance he
does at the end is brilliant.
http://b3ta.com/links/how_to_get_inside_a_giant_ba...
>> Melodramatic chipmunk <<
Here's a chipmunk (or, more likely, a prairie
dog) with a real flair for the dramatic. Now
please stop sending this link in a hundred
million times a week!
http://snipr.com/not_again
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: FANNY NAME CORNER
Double ended dildonic action
* "Hi," splutters Neil from Streatham, "as a
friend of Dorothy I was really looking forward
to looking at some nice bits on this site."
http://www.dicksondigital.com/
* "I know rude Chinese restaurant names are a
cliché," admits miserlou, "but there's
something exceptionally dirty about this noodle
shop I saw in Philadelphia."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/miserlou/539830271/
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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
Pixel Hitler
Props to Monkeon for producing a lovely cute
rendering of everyone's favourite 20th century
mass-murderer, Sir Adolf of Hitler. Frankly
though, who the fuck is going to buy this? It's
not like you'd dare go out in it - or would you?
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html
BTW: What would you like to see on the t-shirt
of the week? If you don't speak, then your
teeth will go rusty.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Computer Errors Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to reveal the truth
behind computer errors.
Your favourites included:
* NORTON - dubious business practices from
everyone's favourite provider of computer bloat
(collapsibletank)
* SIZE DOES MATTER - stupidly simple yet
effective wheeze from the magnificently titled
(Cuthbert Annihilator)
* ROBOCOP - b3ta luminary Monkeon with another
triumph. This man is unique. Treasure him
(Monkeon)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/computer_errors/
>> New challenge: Gordon Brown <<
Britain has a new Prime Minister, and it's
b3ta's solemn duty to make him look really
stupid during his first week in office. Go
mental.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gordon_brown/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SELLOTAPE JAPES - last week we asked you to
walk to work, leaving a trail of stickytape in
your wake. Steand writes, "A quick google would
suggest that this most people would have
commute longer than the sellotape, which seems
to be about 66 metres." Gah. Spoilsport.
* VAG LADY SPEAKS - Emily writes, "As the owner
of the vagina shown in your latest newsletter,
I thought I'd send you a correction. The
internal cast wasn't made by filling me with
plaster of Paris. It was made by filling me
with dental alginate, which then set, at which
point I had to 'bear down' as if giving birth
and pop it out. At that point, the lovely
vagina caster made a mould out of it and
created the cast depicted." Get your own done
here, as Emily notes, "He's very professional."
http://privatesculpture.co.uk/
* ANNOY-O-TRON - Nasty Pony confesses, "I
bought one of the Annoy-o-tron things from
ThinkGeek to get back at my Boss From Hell. Of
the two sounds - one is very like a BIOS / low
battery bleep, the other a sort of digital
dentist's drill alarm noise, I chose the
former. I'm happy to report it's been 1000%
effective, with my boss swearing like a nutter
and tearing the place to pieces looking for it.
I'm fairly confident it won't be found though
as, not being the most tech-savvy person in the
world, it's unlikely they'll look INSIDE their
monitor."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Bloxxors Roxxors
Loving this 'can you roll the block into the
hole' game, great idea and lovely execution.
BTW: Nintendo, if you're listening, why not
great a "best 50 games from the web" package
for the DS, and include most of the stuff we've
linked in this section for the last few years.
We'd buy it anyway.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/games/bloxorz
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COOKING WITH LIGHT BULBS - wrap bacon round a
100-watt lamp and see if it cooks.
* A LION DOING A SHIT ON A TOILET - someone
emailed in the old classic 'cat has crap on
bog' link, and we'd like to see Hollywood
special effects doing this BIGGER! BETTER! And
with zoo animals.
* WHICKYPEEDIAH.ORG - write a script that fills
Wikipedia full of amoosing typos.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Ryz0r, Angie
Davidson, elusive, Joel, dicastri, Felipe from
Brazil, greenycrimson, s.mcqueenie, Josh
Hunter and the stalwart hahn. Ta Easty for the
joke we shoe-horned into the header, we knew
there was a good reason for sticking voting on
the /talk board. Hey, it's not our fault - the
public has chosen! Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Minty-tops to b4ta. (0898 21 21 21)
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SICKIPEDIA:
I went to see the nurse this morning for my
annual check-up, She said I have to stop
wanking. I said 'Why?' She said, 'Because I'm
trying to examine you'
http://www.sickipedia.org/
