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NEWSLETTER: "WELCOME TO SHEFFIELD, TWINNED WITH ATLANTIS"

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This Week:
* SEMEN - B3tan eats his own
* QUESTION - Why were you late?
* T-SHIRTS - Pixel Hitlers!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Is that a gun in your
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  pocket, or are you just
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   pleased to see me?"

B3ta email 283 - 29 Jun 2007

"Bit of both, this is a rape."
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue283/

           Spit:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Swallow:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Mental dancing

  Krumping is a form of street dance, chiefly
  characterised by wildly expressive arm waving
  and basically looking a bit mad. The
  Wirebreakers are a group of kids taking it one
  stage further - spontaneously dancing in front
  of complete strangers across the US this
  summer. You heard it here first.
http://snipr.com/wirebreakers_1


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  We have an army of sexy hedgehogs waiting for
  your email.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 
  Newspapers, Semen and We Are Framley

  >> Local newspaper-baiting <<
  Uncyclopedia is reverse of the Wikipedia idea,
  basically using the same format but filling it
  with (often amusing) horse-shit. Our very own
  Duke of Prunes has recently been filling his
  time by writing lies about his home town of
  Dingwall. Little did he expect that his local
  paper would run it as a front page story. Slow
  news day or what?
http://dukeofprunes.co.uk/picts/random/northstar.jpg


  >> Semen-eating <<
  Couple of weeks back we asked you to cook with
  your own man-fluid. Vic Jameson writes, "That
  reminds me! I think a taste test between the
  interior of a Creme Egg and my jizz is somewhat
  pertinent." Blimey. This is so going to be
  pulled from youtube. And the chances that
  Cadbury will buy it as some sort of viral
  campaign are slim to say the least.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZTwfaHYW60


  >> Framley Examiner UPDATED <<
  Long-term connoisseurs of all things web have
  been weeping for the near three-year lack of
  updates on the spoof newspaper site Framley
  Examiner. Mozza, of that esteemed organ, has
  just got in touch to bring us the exclusive
  news that they're back, and "would we stand a
  shitting chance of making it into your rude
  newsletter?" Absolutely! Pride of place!
http://www.framleyexaminer.com


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Mentossers, Cocks and Cunts

  >> Mentos ads <<
  Mentos is currently promoting its brand of
  tooth-rotting mint with a site where you can
  'live chat to Trevor, our intern.' Poor
  bastard, people have been going on there all
  week and hurling abuse. A small sample, as
  collected by WordBomb from our links board, can
  be found here. But there was more, so much more.
http://adwrecker.blogspot.com/


  >> Rude Topiary <<
  "I know it's shit," admits pineapplecharm, "but
  it's the thought that counts. Plus, the bush
  wasn't tall enough to make a towering priapic
  monument.  So it's a bit stubby." Heh, love the
  idea. But do you have a better-endowed
  shrubbery?
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=NWzQXbE_MuI


  >> Underground cunts gig <<
  Remember that song that did the round a year or
  so back, "London Underground, they're all lazy
  useless fucking cunts"? Well, the writers are
  doing a gig and the promoter is a friend of
  ours and has strong-armed us to link to it,
  "It's next week and I know their song was quite
  popular among B3tans. What would be the best
  way to convince you to plug it in the mailout
  this week?" A big cash bung would be nice. Well
  it would!
http://www.fridaytowers.com/fitness/gig.php


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The most horrific thing you've ever seen

  Last week we asked for the horrible things you
  have seen. We were young. We were innocent. We
  simply didn't imagine the truly gruesome stuff
  you lot would end up posting. Please don't read
  any of these if you've eaten recently:
http://b3ta.com/questions/horriblesights/

 * POOR LOVE
   "I went to Download Festival last week. As is
   the norm, there were two big video screens
   either side of the main stage with cameras
   beaming up images of whatever act is on for
   the benefit of the farther-flung spectators.
   In between acts, the camera would zoom in on
   pretty ladies in the crowd, and the lady would
   - in general - treat the crowd to a flash of
   her norks to a resounding "RAAAAAAYYYY" from
   the appreciative audience. It chanced that the
   camera zoomed into a more hirsute young lady,
   and being excited at the sight of herself
   on-screen, she lifted up her garments to bare
   a floppy, spaniels-ear-esque pair of boobs and
   a pale, quivering gut. I don't want to be
   unkind to her but it really wasn't a pretty
   sight. The audience clearly thought so too, as
   a resounding cheer of "RAA - ooooooouuuuff"
   shook the air." (Droog)

 * THEY NEED AIR
   "In my field of employment (looney nursing)
   you see lots. I was sitting drinking tea with
   some other staff members when a male patient
   walked in with a piece of glass in his hand.
   He then calmly cut a two inch long hole in his
   scrotum, pulled each testicle through the
   hole, smiled at us, then walked out. The most
   horrific thing for me now is that all this
   sort of thing really doesn't bother me much
   anymore." (31eeweep)

 * A BIG STIFFIE
   "Two guys attempted to rob the newsagent's
   next door to my Papa's shop. They duly kicked
   the door in and ran into the back store in an
   attempt to steal as much stuff as they could.
   They were greeted by the sight of a dead body,
   lying in a coffin surrounded by flowers. Cue
   screaming and panic: one faints and the other
   legs it. They'd broken into the wrong shop, my
   Papa's funeral parlour. The one that fainted
   was found by the Police, lying on the floor
   next to the corpse." (hudster)

  And finally, what Google Ads makes of all this
  creepy content is truly disturbing. Capitalism
  rules, eh? (thanks Mr Snuggly)
http://snipr.com/theywillsellanything


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Why were you late? Make your excuses here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/late/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> V-tech, the 8-bit game <<
  In possibly the worst-taste idea of all time,
  cybertwats have put together a simple shoot 'em
  up based upon the Virginia Tech massacre, where
  Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people. Maybe you can
  beat his high score in this opportunistic lump
  of trash.
http://googumproduce.com/vtech.php


  >> Hand-held booze filter <<
  We've previously covered the idea of using
  Brita water filters to make cheap vodka taste
  less skanky. Looks like someone took note, as
  it's now been turned into a handy product. Big
  prize to the first B3ta reader who fills it
  full of piss and drinks it.
http://graykangaroo.com/


  >> When fat people lose weight <<
  Wake up internet fatties, it's all very well to
  go on a crash diet and lose 30 stone, but what
  on earth do you do with the excess skin? Well,
  you could take photos and stick them online we
  suppose.
http://throughweb.net/?p=198


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Pigs that paint

  Despite the Daily Mail being written by Nazis
  for Nazis, you've got to tip your hat to their
  sweet-toothed picture editor who's been
  selecting some excellent stuff recently. 
http://snipr.com/dailynazicutepigs

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Animated Gifs are the next big thing  

  >> Goat licking an electric fence <<
  It's always seemed a bit of a dull existence,
  being domesticated livestock - now we know how
  they get their kicks. To be honest, electric
  fences always seemed kind of cruel to us, but
  he really does seem to be having fun. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b-072VA4UA


  >> Slo mo compilation <<
  Spectacular clips of high FPS video, starting
  with some fun water balloon stuff before moving
  on to the inevitable business of shooting eggs
  with a gun. Is there ever a reason to shoot an
  egg with a gun if you're not making a
  slow-motion video?
http://snipr.com/slo_mo_cyber_rolfs


  >> Singing lightning bolt <<
  Well alright, in fact it's a Tesla coil. Fancy
  engineering trickery makes the high voltage
  sparks of electricity sound out musical tones.
  Geek points awarded for recognising the tunes
  they play.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ff_AXVlo9U


  >> Cat breakdown <<
  Cat completely spazzing out - does funny
  internet video get any better than this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a60akJOgW4g


  >> "Rickrolled" <<
  Rickrolling is tricking someone into
  accidentally watching the video to Rick
  Astley's debut single 'Never Gonna Give You
  Up". This is usually done by pretending the
  link is to something completely unrelated and
  extremely interesting.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU


  >> Star Trek freakout <<
  Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit provides the
  soundtrack to this collection of Star Trek
  overacting. We always like being reminded what
  a bizarre show that really was. It gets better
  as you go along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUA35XQxxw8


  >> How to get inside a giant balloon <<
  For reasons probably best left unexplored, this
  bloke is trying to climb inside an enormous
  rubber bladder. His muttered commentary to
  camera is fantastic and the little dance he
  does at the end is brilliant.
http://b3ta.com/links/how_to_get_inside_a_giant_balloon


  >> Melodramatic chipmunk <<
  Here's a chipmunk (or, more likely, a prairie
  dog) with a real flair for the dramatic. Now
  please stop sending this link in a hundred
  million times a week!
http://snipr.com/not_again


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: FANNY NAME CORNER 
  Double ended dildonic action

  * "Hi," splutters Neil from Streatham, "as a
  friend of Dorothy I was really looking forward
  to looking at some nice bits on this site."
http://www.dicksondigital.com/

  * "I know rude Chinese restaurant names are a
  cliché," admits miserlou, "but there's
  something exceptionally dirty about this noodle
  shop I saw in Philadelphia."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/miserlou/539830271/


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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK 
  Pixel Hitler
 
  Props to Monkeon for producing a lovely cute
  rendering of everyone's favourite 20th century
  mass-murderer, Sir Adolf of Hitler. Frankly
  though, who the fuck is going to buy this? It's
  not like you'd dare go out in it - or would you?
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html

  BTW: What would you like to see on the t-shirt
  of the week? If you don't speak, then your
  teeth will go rusty.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Computer Errors Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to reveal the truth
  behind computer errors.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * NORTON - dubious business practices from
  everyone's favourite provider of computer bloat
  (collapsibletank)

  * SIZE DOES MATTER - stupidly simple yet
  effective wheeze from the magnificently titled
  (Cuthbert Annihilator)

  * ROBOCOP - b3ta luminary Monkeon with another
  triumph. This man is unique. Treasure him
  (Monkeon)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/computer_errors/


  >> New challenge: Gordon Brown <<
  Britain has a new Prime Minister, and it's
  b3ta's solemn duty to make him look really
  stupid during his first week in office. Go
  mental.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gordon_brown/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SELLOTAPE JAPES - last week we asked you to
  walk to work, leaving a trail of stickytape in
  your wake. Steand writes, "A quick google would
  suggest that this most people would have
  commute longer than the sellotape, which seems
  to be about 66 metres." Gah. Spoilsport.


  * VAG LADY SPEAKS - Emily writes, "As the owner
  of the vagina shown in your latest newsletter,
  I thought I'd send you a correction. The
  internal cast wasn't made by filling me with
  plaster of Paris. It was made by filling me
  with dental alginate, which then set, at which
  point I had to 'bear down' as if giving birth
  and pop it out. At that point, the lovely
  vagina caster made a mould out of it and
  created the cast depicted." Get your own done
  here, as Emily notes, "He's very professional."
http://privatesculpture.co.uk/


  * ANNOY-O-TRON - Nasty Pony confesses, "I
  bought one of the Annoy-o-tron things from
  ThinkGeek to get back at my Boss From Hell.  Of
  the two sounds - one is very like a BIOS / low
  battery bleep, the other a sort of digital
  dentist's drill alarm noise, I chose the
  former. I'm happy to report it's been 1000%
  effective, with my boss swearing like a nutter
  and tearing the place to pieces looking for it.
   I'm fairly confident it won't be found though
  as, not being the most tech-savvy person in the
  world, it's unlikely they'll look INSIDE their
  monitor."


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Bloxxors Roxxors

  Loving this 'can you roll the block into the
  hole' game, great idea and lovely execution.
  BTW: Nintendo, if you're listening, why not
  great a "best 50 games from the web" package
  for the DS, and include most of the stuff we've
  linked in this section for the last few years.
  We'd buy it anyway.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/games/bloxorz


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COOKING WITH LIGHT BULBS - wrap bacon round a
  100-watt lamp and see if it cooks.

  * A LION DOING A SHIT ON A TOILET - someone
  emailed in the old classic 'cat has crap on
  bog' link, and we'd like to see Hollywood
  special effects doing this BIGGER! BETTER! And
  with zoo animals.

  * WHICKYPEEDIAH.ORG - write a script that fills
  Wikipedia full of amoosing typos.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Ryz0r, Angie
  Davidson, elusive, Joel, dicastri, Felipe from
  Brazil, greenycrimson,  s.mcqueenie, Josh
  Hunter and the stalwart hahn. Ta Easty for the
  joke we shoe-horned into the header, we knew
  there was a good reason for sticking voting on
  the /talk board. Hey, it's not our fault - the
  public has chosen! Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Minty-tops to b4ta. (0898 21 21 21)
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:

  I went to see the nurse this morning for my
  annual check-up, She said I have to stop
  wanking. I said 'Why?' She said, 'Because I'm
  trying to examine you'
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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