NEWSLETTER: "WARNING: YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO CHOIRBOY FISTING MAGAZINE IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE."
This Week:
* MENTAL - Cyriak does it again
* QUESTION - Your stupidest dares
* VIDEO - At home with Henry Rollins
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're looking up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | procrastination...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| on Wikipedia"
B3ta weemail 301 - 2 Nov 2007
Run our fingers through your browser hair:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue301/
Sisters of Mercy: [email protected]
The Mission: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cyriak, cartoons and shitty
>> Mutated moo <<
We know it's a cliché to look at b3tards'
animation and say they are wrong in the head -
but Cyriak is. He's. Wrong. In. The. Head.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/MOO
>> Cartoonist v cartoonist blog <<
B3tard cartoonists extraordinaire Bigeyedeer
and Seemikedraw run a blog where they pick a
random word as a theme then try to outdo each
other's comic efforts. It's good stuff and, as
it links off to their individual sites, should
keep you supplied with wry chuckles for a not
insignificant whiles.
http://pencilsatdawn.wordpress.com/
>> 'Polystation 3' review <<
Dr. Ashen returns with another scathing review
of some gaming tat he bought off the market.
It's incredible that games haven't advanced a
jot from the distant days of our childhood, but
the casings have been redesigned to mimic
whatever console is currently hot. Who are they
trying to fool? Have they succeeded?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/PolyStation_3_review
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Expensive Mistakes
We wanted to know the most expensive mistake
you've ever made:
http://b3ta.com/questions/expensivemistakes/
Chart Cat's wonderful story of a banking
fuck-up that almost caused the Euro to be
devalued and cost the bank in question $100
million in fines is far too long to quote here,
so here's some shorter entries of money down
the plughole:
* DIRTY FUCKING SCUM CUNTS - "For legal
reasons, and cos I'm still a bit scared, I
can't name anyone involved, but I used to work
for a company making cheat code devices for
consoles. I made stand alone cheat/update
discs. For a new football game this involved
correcting all the team names, player names,
badges, etc. For fun, I substituted 'Dirty
Fucking Scum Cunts' for the team name on one of
the badges. By the time it was flattened to a
low res bitmap it was unreadable. We had a good
laugh about this. The disc sold very well
across Europe until two weeks later. An 8 year
old had zoomed in on it. The boy wasn't sure
what it said, but his Dad had a much better
idea... The press started phoning us asking for
questions. The football club started phoning us
threatening legal action. The product had to be
recalled, re-mastered and re-issued at an
estimated cost of a quarter of a million
pounds. FIFA got involved and were rather
upset, as were a large video games company,
who'd paid a lot of money for exclusive rights
to team names. I was asked to leave (they
insisted really). Fascists." (The Louce)
* STAMP LIGHTS STAMP LIGHTS FLAMES - "When I
was about four, my favourite toy was this
walking robot. It stood a tall 10 inches and
had a light display in its chest. When it was
powered up by some batteries, it would march
forward, stop, then do this light display and
then repeat the process. 'Twas not gifted with
great variety, but it made a lot of noise and
looked cool. One day, the batteries run out:
cool robot becomes quiet plastic statue to the
4 year old. Obviously the 4 year old wants this
resolved, so I bring this to the attention of
my father. This was my expensive mistake. He
has a look around, but can't find any
batteries. So he decided to improvise. He
opened up the battery compartment and connected
a spare CAR BATTERY. STAMP STAMP STAMP LIGHTS
STAMP SMOKE STAMP STAMP LIGHTS STAMP FLAMES
STAMP LIGHTS LIGHTS FLAMES FLAMES FLAMES... Dad
disconnected the car battery. It was too late.
The robot had run straight into a wall and was
burning itself into the skirting, a lump of
disfigured toy with the smell of plastic death
emanating from it. I loved that toy." (Jeccy)
* MR ZIPPAH DE DOO DAH - "I used to work for a
software house making bespoke systems for
councils. These were nice little earners,
25-75k/year, so we would work hard at getting
everything *just so* for that all important
first sales pitch in front of the great and the
good of the council. So we are all set up and
ready for a demo. The system is hooked up to a
Barco in glorious Gianto-Vision, very important
so that everyone can read all the words. The
first of the dummy records is called up, and an
audible gasp comes from the audience. It would
appear that our rather unreconstructed
Directory of Marketing has decided to key some
test data into the system, so the first person
in the database is: "Mr Zippah De Doo Dah, 10
Am Dat Wate'melon Street, Blacksville, Darkie
Town." He'd been busy because the next few
were, shall we say, similar in tone. Oddly, we
didn't get that contract." (The Fifth Elephant)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your stupidest dares.
http://b3ta.com/questions/stupiddares/
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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
Swirly Face Man
Celebrating everyone's favourite paedophile,
comes our Swirly Face t-shirt. Ideal for
childrens, new ravers and those not blessed
with the skills to fully understand the
implications of photoshop filters.
http://snipurl.com/swirlyfacemantshirt
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Sleeve note reviews <<
We know the record industry doesn't need our
sympathy, but we were recently struck that with
the advent of MP3s and iPods that we hadn't
really noticed any album art in years. Despite
the world looking the other way, there's still
some fantastic work going on in this area, as
evidenced by this enjoyable blog.
http://sleevage.com/wiley-playtime-is-over/
>> The art of sharpening pencils <<
There can a great deal of pleasure to be had
from a minutely-detailed explanation of some
mundane activity. This guy enthusiastically
outlines the various methods and styles of
pencil sharpening - and makes it interesting!
http://matthewjamestaylor.com/blog/the-art-of-shar...
>> Wolverhampton ring road tramp <<
"Being from Wolverhampton", suggests
fizzyorguk, "Rob must have been saddened to
hear of the tragic passing of Fred the ring
road tramp, Wolverhampton's only real
celebrity. How about an Elton John style b3ta
tribute, 'good bye England's tramp...'" Hmm, we
can't promise you that, but we do suggest that
you re-read this classic B3ta QOTW on local
nutters that was directly inspired by our old
friend, Josef Stawinoga.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/localnutters/
>> Joss Whedon new TV show <<
Small whoops of nervous joy have been heard in
B3ta HQ at the news that Buffy creator Joss
Whedon is returning to his true home,
television, with a new show. Fingers crossed it
won't get cancelled or flop like his last few
projects.
http://snipurl.com/pleasebegood
>> Disturbing Halloween costume <<
Most people go to Halloween parties dressed as
a cat, pirate, The Crow or a vampire. The idea
is, you can still look cool and, if so
inclined, pull. Then there are people who go to
extra lengths to express their weird
creativity. Kind of NSFW, this.
http://snipurl.com/dontclickthisnsfw
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
There is nothing cute left in the world. It's
all gone black. Will the last one out of the
room please turn off the lights.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Despite most comments on YouTube being
completely useless, we were heartened recently
to spot one saying "nobody makes your breath
stink of cock, like batchelors bell end soup."
So huzzah for that and on with the show.
>> How to hide your stash <<
Ex-policemen explains (at length) how to avoid
getting caught while transporting drugs. It's
interesting stuff, although he has a tendency
to belabour the point. Then again, he is trying
to teach this stuff to stoners...
http://snipurl.com/omgzdrugslols
>> At home with Henry Rollins <<
Some good-natured mucking about with a
camcorder at the home of the legendary punk
frontman. Not sure if it's his missus or a PA
behind the camera. That said, he still snaps
into scary pretty easily. The freezer is the
best bit. He's an odd bloke - we want more.
http://21361.com/website/COTM/nov07.html
>> Cat cutlery <<
The key phrase here is "after her children left
home"; this woman trained her cat to eat with
cutlery so that it could dine at the table with
her and her hapless husband. She must have been
quite extraordinarily bored. Anyway, now she
believes that cat would like to be in films and
to meet Tiger Woods. Hmm.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Indian condom song <<
Jaunty public service commercial that plays
like a sort of Bhangra Teletubbies. Extremely
long, extremely elaborate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Tourette's add-on <<
Simple Firefox browser addon that will insert
swearwords into any text you try to type. The
appeal, obviously, is to download it onto the
computer of someone who isn't in on it and
watch their bewildered features as a simple
work memo becomes obscene gibberish.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_simple_firefox_extensi...
>> Misheard Bollywood lyrics <<
We've seen an awful lot of those 'misheard
lyric' things on the interwebs, so our
tolerance is pretty high. But we couldn't
restrain a grin at this epic production - it's
a very classy number, combining elaborate
dancing, garbled words and some excellent
comical posing as a bonus.
http://snipurl.com/condomstani
>> Saudi Arabian king = Darth Vader? <<
The horseguards band perhaps making a subtle
point about the UK visit of Saudi Arabian
monarch King Abdullah. After the first
half-minute or so the report starts on about
dodgy human rights records and such.
http://snipurl.com/dahdahdadah
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Spoonerisms Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to mess with
the language.
Your favourites included:
* RAVING PRIVATE CYAN - nothing, even giving
you the joke in advance, can prepare you for
the splendour of this entry (biovalve)
* VERYDISCO CHANNEL - another rather lovely
dance-themed submission. We're tempted to stuff
pills down our scragg (k_cick)
* JAMIE OLIVER - years have passed, and he's
still a cunt (sPUNKer)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spoonerisms/
>> New challenge: Robots <<
We love robots, so we've decided to
unleash another of our occasional
one-word challenges. As long as it's
robot-themed, it's in. Go mental.
Challenge suggested by mictoboy.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/one-word-robots/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PR0NNIEST GIRLS' NAMES - "After your
challenge in 298 Newsletter," sniggers
anthonydeane, "I have painstakingly researched
Google Images and made a table of the girls'
names with the porniest results. It was hard
work." We can only imagine just how hard - and
then, perhaps, wish we hadn't. Anyway, it's all
quite detailed with statistical weighting and
everything.
http://www.anthonydeane.com/b3ta/pics/girls.htm
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LOO ROLL VIDEO - Can you unroll a toilet roll
from, and stretch is from the bog, all round
the house, flush and watch it be gobbled like
spaghetti? (Actually, this was a top tip from
VIZ from a few years back, but it could make a
nice video, although we suspect the paper
wouldn't need to be strengthened by tape.)
* HOW MUCH WRITING IN A PENCIL? - take an
ordinary pencil and draw a line on the ground,
how far can you go before you run out of lead?
Will you make it to you local shop? Will you be
arrested? Watch the video back on fast forward.
* CD ART - make a massive office mural from
stick different coloured bits of card in CD
jewel boxes and making a DIY pixel art thingie.
Possible of a famous Album cover like Pink
Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by lolwhites,
the_log_knows. Top Tippery by Carling in a
Stella glass Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Surprise rape to b4ta. (Brackets) Subject
line by Zak McFlimby.
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TIPUS TOPUS:
"Where has Top Tips Fucked off to of late?"
demands Carling in a Stella glass
belligerently. "It's the only reason I trawl
through this pile of janx every week.Lemon
juice takes the nicotine off your fingers so
you don't have to look like your middle one's
been up a homo's bottom." Thanks. Thanks for
that, Carling.
Be like the leper who uses a hooker: leave a
tip.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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NONSTICKIPEDIA:
What's green and smells like yellow paint?
Green Paint.
http://www.sickipedia.org/search.php
