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NEWSLETTER: "ARMLESS MAN ENTERS WANKING COMPETITION AND COMES LAST"

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This Week:
* QUESTION - Your Social Networking Gaffes...?
* BEARDS - What Do They Hide?
* RETRO NERDING - A Sinclair photo story

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "The Mobius function  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    of any sphenic 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      number is &#8722;1."

B3ta email 345 - 12 Sep 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue345/

       :)   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Don't Panic love a good dongle.

  If you do too, and can draw/illustrate/design
  or paint, then please send us a poster vaguely
  related to 3's new mobile broadband USB device.
  Show us your creativity and your skills. The
  best one will get £500, published on 80k A2
  posters, posted around East London and
  exhibited in a special Truman Brewery gallery
  alongside work by Ben UFO, Sophie Kern, and
  Steven Wilson.
http://tinyurl.com/57gvob

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Smearing themselves in poo as usual

  >> Deep-fried creme egg <<
  "I deep fried a Cadbury Creme Egg," crows
  Whitedevil. "The verdict? Delicious, although I
  gave myself a good scalding on searing
  sugar-yolk." It does, however, look like a
  battered turd covered in semen. And we should
  know.  
http://ericisgreat.com/deepfried/index2.html


  >> Grey Bloke's net goes down <<
  Madriot goes musical in this week's Grey Bloke.
  Sums up all the stupid bewilderment you feel
  when your web connection unexpectedly dies,
  cutting short the routine of pleasant online
  prevarication.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Grey_Bloke_goes_musical


  >> Men with beards <<
  What are they hiding? Kunt and The Gang fear
  the very worst. The lovely tune aside, this is
  worth it for the parade of beardy weirdies -
  like upending a hairy horn of plenty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1LOm4_JFMc


  >> Large Hadron Collider-cam <<
  "I helped set up these live webcams at the
  LHC," claims an agitated Mutated Monty. "Well
  worth keeping an eye on..."
http://www.cyriak.co.uk/lhc/lhc-webcams.html


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Customers From Hell

  We wanted to refute that trite old phrase: the
  customer is always right. Here are your stories
  of the customer being wrong. Wrong in the head
  mostly:
http://b3ta.com/questions/customersfromhell/


  * RED CARD - "Yes, I was once a techie for PC
  World. This was my favourite insane customer:
  *BANG*. Banging fists on desk is never a good
  start... "COME HERE IMMEDIATELY!" I look up
  to see a man, very short, about 50, balding,
  beardy - they're the worst. He's got his PC on
  a trolley, with the monitor, cables and the
  Sale of Goods Act printed out and highlighted.
  "What seems to be the trouble, sir?" "THIS PC
  YOU SOLD ME IS FAULTY!! I SPENT OVER 500 POUNDS
  ON THIS!" (which made it probably the cheapest
  one we sold at the time) "I HAVE DRIVEN 6 MILES
  TO BRING THIS FUCKING SHIT IN!" "Please don't
  swear at me sir, I will help you but I won't
  be sworn at." "I'LL SAY WHATEVER I DAMN WELL
  PLEASE." A small crowd had started to gather.
  Security was down off his podium and ready to
  press the panic buttons. I was shitting myself.
  "Could you tell me the prob..." "THE RED CARDS
  WON'T STAY ON THE RED CARDS." "Excuse me?"
  "THE RED CARDS WON'T STAY ON THE BLOODY RED
  CARDS!" Yes, he had printed out the entire
  Sale of Goods act, unplugged his PC, put it in
  his car, driven all the way, all because he didn't
  know how to play fucking Solitaire. He was
  still shouting when he left the store having
  had the rules of Microsoft Solitaire explained
  to him, and left the car park with his tyres
  screeching." (Hedonist)
     
  * YULETIDE LOG - "Word was spreading like wildfire
  among the staff: 'There's was a woman on the shop
  floor doing a poo!' I was part of a pack of
  teenage Christmas workers at Marks & Spencer
  in a Greater London shopping centre, busy stacking
  shelves at the time. I simply had to investigate,
  and trotted through to the food tills. There was
  indeed a small melee around a till, where yes,
  a woman was crouching over a green bucket, the
  ones normally used for the flowers in the
  horticultural dept. Red-faced, she'd hitched up
  her skirt, and was coiling one out in full view
  of a rather packed department store ten days
  before Christmas. She didn't even look like a
  weirdo. Quite posh in fact. She stood up and
  handed the bucket to a male member of staff, and
  said to the ashen-faced till girl... "I'm so
  sorry. I'm pregnant." The bucket-holding M&S guy
  said, "We do have customer toilets." To which
  she replied, "I didn't want to lose my place in
  the queue." (whitehorse)
     
  * GM RICE - "A customer walked into the shop I
  work at the other day and chucked a sellotaped
  bag of rice onto my counter. "May I help madam?"
  I say in my most polite voice. "Don't fucking
  work" She mumbles grumpily. "I'm not sure I
  understand," I respond, in a voice Stephen Fry
  would be proud of. "Don't work do they? Didn't
  cook!" I'm unsure exactly what this woman is
  going on about but decide to press on. "Have
  you tried boiling it?" (It was obvious and I
  hoped I hadn't offended. Needless to say, I
  hadn't.) "Don't be fucking stupid. Microwave
  innit." I was now confused. She'd tried
  microwaving the rice? She continues... "Just
  went dry." "Well what were you expecting?" I
  say, trying to not be too condescending.
  "Popcorn..." (Foz)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your social networking gaffes:
http://b3ta.com/questions/socialnetworking/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Geeky photo story <<
  Back in the days of yore, magazines for
  teenage girls were packed with photo love
  stories, a style that lives on to this day in
  Viz and The Sun's Dear Deidre. Here's one such
  example - the unlikely story of a girl who
  loves the Sinclair Spectrum, and doesn't get
  enough time on it at school. Not a joke
  apparently; the script was written by Frank
  Hopkinson of the well-known My Guy magazine. 
http://snurl.com/yesclickthis  [www_shardcore_org] 


  >> More cowbell! <<
  Proving that every good joke is vastly improved
  by some web 2.0 geeks taking it literally,
  here's an online app that allows you to add
  more cowbell to any MP3 of your choice.
  Surprisingly funny, and anything with a
  slideable Christopher Walken filter is an easy
  win with us.
http://www.morecowbell.dj/listen?id=BnLPHg


  >> Madeleine countdown clock <<
  Remember those crappy bits of JavaScript that
  would count down to when it's legal to fwap
  over pics of the Olsen Twins, Charlotte Church
  or Emma Watson? We're groaning in a "even we
  wouldn't do this" way that the idea has been
  applied to poor Maddie. Incredulous rofls.
http://www.madeleinecountdown.com/


  >> Bacon compendium <<
  Collecting together every bacon project on the
  web into some kind of ham-inspired baconpedia.
  Hmmm, seeing as we're running old bacon
  material... what about the one about not being
  able to say "Beer Can" out loud without it
  sounding like a Jamaican hungry for pork?
http://snurl.com/baconcunts  [listsgalore_blogspot_com] 


  >> Zoom in on The Last Supper <<
  Extremely detailed pic of the Leonardo
  painting, as featured in the Da Vinci Code.
  Useful for debunking Templar conspiracies and
  an enlightening look at how crap Leonardo was
  at prepping a wall for fresco. Can't be a
  genius at everything, eh? 
http://haltadefinizione.deagostini.it/en/


  >> Naked doll people <<
  Not safe for work, in that it's porny. Kinda
  safe for work in that all the naughty bits
  have been photoshopped into eerie, smooth
  doll-parts. Not so safe enough for work that
  you'd want to actually look at it at work
  though.
http://ask-art.net/photo_1555642.html


  >> One Sentence Stories <<
  Exactly what it says: Stories (ostensibly true
  stories), boiled down to the absolute bare
  essentials. An enjoyable feast of short, pithy
  reads. Why not submit yours?
http://www.onesentence.org/stories/popular/all/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Metallica + kittens = win

  The lyrics to Enter Sandman rendered mostly
  through lolcats. A stroke of genius.
http://snurl.com/kittenz  [mfrost_typepad_com] 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Crappo TV-lols without the BBC Tax

  >> Cliff Richard's Cradle of Filth <<
  Footage of the Bachelor Boy cut to sync with a
  rocked-up cover of his occult misogyny-themed
  classic Devil Woman. Works well with Cliff's
  bombastic stage moves. BTW: Are we the only
  people to suspect that this guy recently came
  out without actually coming out?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnFu6ZmOZNk&feature=related


  >> Pussy vs printer <<
  Mild-mannered cat is unnerved by a laser
  printer and starts bashing it. Worth it, for
  his increasingly alarmed facial expression.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pussy_versus_Printer


  >> At the end of the day <<
  Spliced together from one episode of the Jeremy
  Kyle Show... At the end of the day, the phrase
  'at the end of the day' has started to wear a
  bit thin. As one of the comments notes, if
  someone says it, that's a good sign they're
  talking bollocks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/At_the_end_of_the_day


  >> Jesus is my friend <<
  Ska in the name of the Lord. This is catchy,
  weird and even oddly endearing after a while.
  Best thing ever, in other words.  
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jesus_Is_My_Friend


  >> Dog on a trampoline <<
  You have to envy dogs their simple joie de
  vivre. To be fair, this one seems to actually
  want to eat the trampoline. But the bouncing
  is funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhpAvGvkpec


  >> Inappropriate children's slide <<
  Inflatable playground slide shaped like a
  giant penis - the children come out through
  the Jap's Eye. Strangely mesmerising. Is this
  some sort of performance art and we're not
  getting it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tCu0JkN9nc


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Two fingers and three cocks
  
  * TWO FINGERS TO GERMANY - from Dabei ab Zwei
  (There at two) a TV news show.  (Cheers to GTA) 
http://www.mdr.de/dabei-ab-zwei/moderation/


  * MORE COCKS - "I was visiting the website of
  the Canadian Museum of Civilisation and was
  very intrigued by the floorplan for Level 3."
  Thanks Goatworrier.
http://www.civilization.ca/cmc/plan3eng.html


  * SUCKLING COCK - "Found it on a snooker-table
  in Stockholm. The manufacturer claims to have
  links to 'Englang', but we believe this to be a
  province in China," spots Lump.
http://snurl.com/penisonb3tablimeyhtt  [smg_photobucket_com] 


  * HARD-ON ACCELERATOR - it was only a matter of
  time before someone made this typo. Thanks
  prestodigitator.
http://snurl.com/morecockslol  [img76_imageshack_us] 


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Extending Film Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show us what lies
  out of the picture in famous film scenes.

  Your favourites included:

  * GUESS WHO? - the classic board game
  infiltrates Tarantino's seminal swear-fest
  (XLVII)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8711872

  * CHEWIE - trust a wookie to start messing
  around during moments of inter-galactic
  gravitas (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8711159

  * PETALS - American Beauty star Mena Suvari
  copes with masturbating moggy with great aplomb
  (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8711122

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmscenes/


  >> New challenge: Thom Yorke <<
  Radiohead's Thom Yorke is the nation's most
  mysterious, charismatic pop star. He's also
  devilishly handsome, and ripe for
  photo-shopping. So that's the challenge.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/thomyorke/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * LITTLE PEOPLE IN THE CITY - "My FIRST BOOK
  is out next week!" beams a delighted
  Slinkachu. "You were the first site to really
  feature my 'little people' project 2 years
  back so i owe you a bit of a 'thank you'."
  Yay! He also mentions his solo show in London
  - the Cosh Gallery on Berwick Street.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0752226649/b3ta-21


  * BEN GOLDACRE hasn't yet got round to
  answering your interview questions. "Fucksake,
  sorry man," he flustered, "I've got an
  emergency court hearing tomorrow for my libel
  case, if it's next week does that make me an
  irredeemably inexecrable cunt?"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0007240198/b3ta-21


  * MORE DEEP FRYING - thiswasmyclone chimes in
  with: "In Edinburgh they also do battered
  Creme Egg, Boost and Crunchie. The idea with
  the Crunchie is that it absorbs more fat and
  so can make you more Scottish (i.e. fat)."
  Deep-fried Crunchie? Why not just go deep fry
  a mattress?

  Meanwhile, former chippy worker Ben Burton has
  "spent a lot of time dicking about with the
  fryers. Deep fried creme eggs are easy as piss
  and awesome. You just need some good, thick,
  cold batter and a pan that can do about 190
  degrees with a good filtration unit. So don't
  try it at home."


  * RICK ASTLEY INTERVIEW - The Roll-meister
  talks about what it's like to be the butt of
  internet lols. He comes across quite well and
  there's also a guide to the web's finest
  Rickrolls, if that's your bag.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/sep/06/rick.astley


  * TOO MANY COCKS don't spoil the breath, claims
  TDub. "They may just save your life. In the
  Dutch study (Koelman, Coumans, Nijman,
  Doxiadis, Dekker & Claas, 2000) the researchers
  found... a surprisingly strong correlation
  between a diminished incidence of pre-eclampsia
  and a woman's practice of oral sex, and noted
  that the protective effects were strongest if
  she swallowed her partner's semen...

  "There is a rumour in academic circles that the
  subjects in the Dutch study were prostitutes in
  Amsterdam. I don't know if that's true."

  References: Koelman CA, Coumans AB, Nijman HW,
  Doxiadis II, Dekker GA, Claas FH (2000).
  Correlation between oral sex and a low
  incidence of preeclampsia: a role for soluble
  HLA in seminal fluid?. 'Journal of Reproductive
  Immunology. 46' (2), 15566.


  * BIG STRIDES - "Way back in newsletter 150 you
  linked to an animated music video I did for the
  band I kinda manage (Big Strides)," chirrups
  Alistair. "In the meantime we've gone off and
  got big in Japan and have made a new video
  about the hellish joy that drunken slags bring
  to the centre of Cardiff most Saturday nights."
  Enjoy!
http://www.vimeo.com/1586612


  * SUPERHEROES OF SCIENCE - "Hello," flutes
  intercontinentalmusiclab. "We've recorded an
  international collaborative album about
  Scientists including songs about: James C Lily,
  James Chadwick, Galileo and Dr Robotnik. I
  think you'll agree its a logical progression.
  I'm secretly hoping that the Dr Robotnik track
  will end up being bastardised for YouTube Poop
  purposes. Anyway, we're giving the whole album
  away for free so help yourself." It's in
  slightly frightening .zip format, is the only
  downside.
http://superheroesofscience.blogspot.com


  * BA-DUM TSCHHHH - Sleeping Stars writes,
  "After reading your joke about female jews and
  their numbers, me and my friend didn't
  understand the joke. So i looked at him and he
  said 'What? I don't know! It's not like jews
  have their numbers branded to their arms or
  anything!'

  "Then we realised."


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Word fragments game

  You have to reassemble a list of words that
  have been split in half. A lot harder than it
  sounds. Should comfortable kill a couple of
  hours.
http://www.boomj.com/?page=games/default&brainGame=87


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GOOGLE IMAGES GAME - Muttley writesm "I found
  a new game. Use the image search to find the
  dodgiest images you can from the safest word.
  Trust me that 'group' is a very very bad word
  for Google." BTW: You'll need safe search
  turned off, but then we imagine all our readers
  will have done that already.

  * HOW OLD DOES MADONNA LOOK? - lots of photos
  of Madonna at different ages and you have to
  guess which ones are older. She's 50, and we
  reckon doesn't look a day over 48.

  * WOULD DANIELLE LLOYD/CHANTELLE /CHANELLE 
  SLEEP WITH YOU QUIZ? Are you ethnic (coz Dan is
  NOT a racist of course)? Do you have a record
  out? Are you a footballer? Do you earn over
  100k? Calculate your odds.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Slippydisco, t0ria,
  chuff monkey. Top Tippery by YOUR MUM.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Woo
  to b4ta. Subjlos via Puromycin. If you read the
  credits then you smell of lady eggs.
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:
  So, Sting can delay his climax for seven hours.
  Big deal. I've been banging my missus for forty
  years and she's not had an orgasm yet.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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