NEWSLETTER: "JONATHAN ROSS AND RUSSELL BRAND PLACED ON SACHS OFFENDERS REGISTER"
This Week:
* DIET - Lose weight with rhyming food
* ANIM - The Beetard
* SEASONAL - Fruity Halloween
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 352 - 31 Oct 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue352/
Sub Sub: [email protected]
Doves: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!
See the internet through the eyes of Family Guy
sexual deviant Glenn Quagmire. Get clicky!
http://tinyurl.com/quagmireit
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Spend your ad money with Google, not us.
*reverse psychology 101*
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Diet, Lanterns, Beetards and Crack
>> The OCD Diet <<
"The OCD Diet doesn't require that you count
calories or grams of fat," explains creator
oucheh. "There is no restriction on quantities
or carbs, sugar or salt. The one single
requirement is that you eat only foods in
combinations that rhyme." Some truly terrifying
concoctions here - what sort of person readily
eats Lambs' Heart Treacle Tart??
http://ocddiet.weebly.com
>> Fruity Halloween lanterns <<
Meanderthal muses, "For a while now I've
wondered what other vegetables are suitable
for carving into jack o'lanterns. Well... I
went and found out." Invaluable research,
should you find yourself with a full fruit
bowl and evil spirits yet to foil.
http://possiblypossible.blogspot.com/
>> The Beetard <<
"I've made a new thing," huzzahs Joel. "Say
hello to The Beetard! It is, of course, named
after the denizens of b3ta. A happy, happy,
little chap if ever there was one."
http://rathergood.com/beetard/
>> Honking on Your Crack Pipe <<
"I've just made a music video featuring
plasticine monsters with foul mouths singing a
song about a crack pipe," explains Andy Martin.
Look at their horrid little black-and-white
tongues. Eww.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Money's too tight to mention
Last week we asked you about tightwads,
skinflints, and what we used to call "jews"
when we were about eight and had no idea that
such comments were racist.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/tightwads/
* BLOKEY COMPLAINS ABOUT CRAP VALENTINE GIFT -
despite this getting all of the votes this
week, we'd LOVE to get cheese as a Valentine's
gift. Cheese fucking rocks man.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/tightwads/post289073
* DAD INSTALLS PAPYPHONE - worth a click from
us as the official B3ta Dad always threatened
to do this. Well, actually to our sister, as
she was the one who had friends.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/tightwads/post286397
* WEBCAM DAD - "I know someone who set up a
webcam facing his leccy meter, so he could
instantly shout at his kids to turn off
whatever they had just turned on if it started
to go any faster." (thitc)
>> This Week's Question: eccentrics <<
Today we're after tales of idiosyncratic,
unusual or odd behaviour. You know, nutters,
but not ones who've actually been posted off to
the fruit-loop fire station.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Meat sculpture <<
Selection of exquisite but unsettlingly porky
objets d'art. Made us do a little sick in our
mouths.
http://snurl.com/meatywoo [www_eatmedaily_com]
>> Sweary Twitter <<
A constantly-refreshing stream of people
swearing on Twitter. Good selection of random
exasperation.
http://cursebird.com/
>> People hate Peaches Geldof <<
No surprise there, but there's an extraordinary
amount of vitriol poured over her debut column
in fashion mag Nylon. Mind you, it is shit.
http://www.nylonmag.com/
>> Disney ghost town <<
Screengrabs of some of the amazing background
work used by Disney's animators over the years.
Its kind of eerie though - you almost expect to
get to the bottom of the page and find Mickey
there, swinging from a noose.
http://animationbackgrounds.blogspot.com/
>> Annette Krankie's shaved hatestrip <<
Go to the Krankies' website, find the last
image on the bottom grid. Click it. Gasp at the
horror!
http://krankies.moonfruit.com/#/photos/4515361522
>> Other uses for books <<
A wealth of ideas here, if you enjoy buying
books but don't like reading them.
http://snurl.com/jackthebookripper [www_offbeatearth_com]
>> Inventive paint-based game <<
Sadly, it's not out yet but we were impressed
by the idea behind Unfinished Swan. Basically,
everything's completely white and you can only
find your way around by chucking black paint
over it all.
http://iandallas.com/games/swan/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Things move, people lol
>> Acapella Thriller <<
Two and a half months' work multitrack
recording in order to mildly amuse you for a
minute or three. Too much effort for too little
payoff? This bloke would disagree.
http://snurl.com/thrilling-really [www_noob_us]
>> Wassup 2008 <<
Reunion of guys from the annoying catchphrase
ad of yesteryear. Enjoyed seeing the
unfortunate paths their lives had taken. The
twist ending left us feeling a bit funny
though. VOTE THATCHER.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wassup_2008
>> Electric shock dance <<
Blokey tapes electrodes to his face, so he can
twitch in time to bleepy electronic music. Not
recommended for use with speed metal.
http://snurl.com/put-this-on-yer-nads [www_b3ta_com]
>> Tetris theme on bottles <<
What it says on the tin and all the more lovely
for it. Unsettling quality to this; we can't
tell if it's because they've speeded stuff up
or chopped things out. Or maybe they're all
ghosts. WoooOOOooo.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tetris_theme_played_on_b...
>> Infomercial cockup <<
Hapless QVC guy tries to flog a telly while
Charlie Brooker's Ten Biggest Cocks in
Advertising repeatedly pops up on its outsized
screen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Interactive mirror/monitor thing <<
Amazing wall-mounted looking glass that reacts
to your touch, allowing you to play Space
Invaders or surf for porn even as you touch up
your guyliner for that big date with Madam Palm.
http://vimeo.com/1867956
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Suicide is the only way out now
* IRA TATOR, THE ESTATE AGENT - "OK - if this
link doesn't make next week's newsletter, I'll
eat my hat," claims mk1. We were tempted to
hold the link back in the hope that hat-eating
might prove to be more entertaining than
another 'funny' name but we suspect mk1 is
fibbing.
http://www.foresthill.com/agentinfo.php
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: HUMAN ZOO
Long-haired dude
200 photos of some overweight, hirsute guy and
his various hair styles, well there's only a
couple really: braids and bangs. He's also very
sweaty and doesn't appear to leave his garage.
If you're not already wanking then we don't
know our readers.
http://snurl.com/pretty-so-pretty [www_flickr_com]
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Extreme Horses Challenge
Last week we wanted you to pimp horses.
Your favourites included:
* IRON HORSE - the crime-fighting nag looking
swish in his power suit (scratchresistor)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8864780
* PUNNAGE - retarded yet charming wordplay from
(chunderbunny)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8866357
* HORSE DRAWN - look! look at the nice talented
horsey! (Puromycin)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8862621
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremehorses/
>> New challenge: The US Election <<
Americans go to the polls this week to elect a
new leader of the free world, and it's our
responsibility to make the entire process look
as silly as possible. So that's the challenge.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/election/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* VENN THAT TUNE THANK-YOU MUG - Andrew Viner,
author of a comedy book we bigged-up last week
was so pleased about our mention he sent us a
mug with our name on it. If this could be
standard policy from now on - we want mugs from
EVERYONE we link to. Backdated to 2001.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/2986653890/
* SOMEONE READS OUR ADVERTISING?! - "I entered
that contest for current.com that you had a
couple of weeks ago," confesses Steve Wilson,
"I think it's pretty funny and you could use it
as proof that your advertising works and get
more piles of money from corporate shills so
please put it in the newsletter. Did I mention
I really need the money since I'm out of work
after having my spine bolted together (cue
sympathy music)"
http://current.com/items/89437206_how_not_to_die
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: FRIDAY GAME
Short-term memory
Heathens who believe in 'science' rather than
God reckon that your short-term memory can only
store 7 items before its DNA devolves into
monkeys. Prove them wrong with this memorable
puzzler.
http://neutralx0.net/home/mini04.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* 80s NUMBER 1 INTRO MIX - remember that song
intro MP3 that did the rounds a few years back?
Can someone do one of every UK number 1 of the
80s, in order. We just fancy hearing it and
can't be arsed to do it ourselves. Cheers.
* WE'RE ALWAYS GETTING HOLES IN OUR SOCKS -
what about a sock puncture repair kit?
* DWARF TOSSING - masturbate a midget to
completion. Oh gawd, this bloody section.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
disdainfully at everything you send us.
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808-State: [email protected] MC
Tunes: [email protected]
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THANKS ANTS. THANTS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by s.jarvis,
leningrad. Top Tippery by insanemaniac.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Bumtrinkets to b4ta. (.)(.)
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TOP TIP:
Cookies are 1 part sugar to 1 part butter to 2
parts flour, mixed, then baked at 180 degrees
for about 12 mins.
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SICKIPEDIA:
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery
firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
