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NEWSLETTER: "LOOKS LIKE I PICKED THE WRONG WEEK TO QUIT PACKING WATER WINGS"

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This Week:
* VEITCH - Sings about pork, again
* ANIM - Ducks with tits!
* CHALLENGE - Completely fucking useless shit

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're wishing we
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    were dead... together"

B3ta email 361 - 15 Jan 2009

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue361/

       Good egg:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Bad egg:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  7 Egg Boiler
  
  B3tards! Love boiled eggs but have no idea how
  to cook them? You need our 7 egg electric
  boiler. No more dirty saucepans and isn't 7
  such a handy number? You can boil up half a
  dozen and stick a lemon in the middle. Woo hoo!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000X2A40G/b3ta-21

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Pork, Breasts, Leopards and Benny Hill

  >> The Benny Hillifier can now speed up videos! <<
 "I've finally implemented the feature which
 everybody was asking for," shouts Bobsworth,
 "Speeding up videos!" Awesomesauce!
http://snurl.com/bennyhillspeedy


  >> We are pork products <<
  "You know Florian has left Kraftwerk," sobs
  Joel, mascara running down his cheeks. "So me
  and Ed put together this sausagey tribute using
  saveloys." FYI: We recently asked Joel if he
  liked cooking with chorizo and he replied, "I
  dunno - I've never owned one for long enough to
  try."
http://rathergood.com/kraftwurst


  >> Duck with breasts <<
  Crime-fighting has a new face - and chest -
  according to Bovine. Worth a punt for the intro
  sequence alone.
http://www.richardtingley.co.uk/tt_07.php


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Workplace boredom

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked about the procrastination
  activities you indulge in within the workplace.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/workboredom/

  This compo is really about stories but as a
  fair few photos were entered we reckoned we'd
  feature those. Run with the crowd and all that.

  * SHARK, HELICOPTER AND BRIDGE ART - produced
  as a separator between desks. "This photo
  doesn't show the full architectural splendour
  of the bridge, but take my word for it that
  Brunel would have shat his pants in awe."  (yes
  yes yes man)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/workboredom/post342380


  * CARDBOARD ROBOT - "where we get through lots
  of envelopes. What do we do with the boxes that
  they came in? Robot suits!" (himjim )
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/workboredom/post342530


  * DESK WEAPONS -  "I tend to dick about with
  stationary This was my greatest triumph and
  highlight of my working life to date. It is a
  fully working siege catapult I made from
  pencils, sellotape, an elastic band and a
  spoon. It was amazing." (Barry Shitpeas)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/workboredom/post343952


  >> Question: Fitting in <<
  We'd like you to to talk about peer pressure -
  the stuff you do just to fit in - even though
  you know it's complete donkey shit.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/fittingin/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Flowchart of heavy metal band names <<
  It takes a special kind of nerd to break a
  subject down and rebuild it as a graph. But
  we're glad they exist. Bands range from
  absolute classics to "wtf, that's a real name?"
http://www.comicvsaudience.net/images/flow_heavymetal.jpg


  >> Awesome noise! <<
  A new bit of Microsoft software can add backing
  music to the track of your choice. Someone has
  run it on a David Lee Roth acapella. This is
  the dreadful result.
http://music.metafilter.com/2943/Runnin-With-The-Songsmith


  >> Disney rejection letter <<
  Amusingly sexist vintage rejection letter from
  Disney Studios. Intriguing juxtaposition of the
  signature and the character to the right of it.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/polaroid/632255233/sizes/o/


  >> Almost unrecognisable list <<
  Compilation of film stars who've allowed the
  make-up artists free rein in making them look
  different. Impressive stuff in many cases,
  although sometimes feels like it was a bit of a
  waste their being famous in the first place.
http://www.listal.com/list/almost-unrecognizable


  >> Bizarre photo collection <<
  No idea on the rationale behind this extensive
  gallery of unusual imagery, but it's
  interesting stuff. Refreshingly free of the
  internet's usual suspects. Oh, but some of it
  is NSFW.
http://riotclitshave.com/


  >> Bacon rolling papers <<
  Don't worry vegans, these are actually
  soy-based so there are zero health concerns
  with using them.
http://bacontoday.com/tag/juicy-jays/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV you can pause, oh you can now actually
  

  >> Oldest rocker in town <<
  82 year-old heavy metal fan discusses his love
  of Judas Priest and Iron Maiden. Local news at
  its absolute finest.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7826717.stm


  >> Star Wars retold by someone who hasn't seen it <<
  Pleasingly-animated retelling of the entire
  Star Wars trilogy (ie. the good ones) by
  somebody who hasn't seen the films. She does
  pretty well, for our money.
http://vimeo.com/2809991


  >> Kitten climbing stairs <<
  By climbing we mean clinging on to the
  undersides of the steps and going along upside
  down like that baby from Trainspotting.
  Off-putting but cute.
http://snurl.com/acrobatcat


  >> Heath Robinson corkscrew <<
  Fans of complexity and comical levels of
  over-engineering will find this wine bottle
  opener a treat. Coming soon to your local
  poncey kitchen shop.
http://www.oneofonehundred.co.uk/media/corkscrew.php


  >> Why your company needs stock photography <<
  Power Point presentation explains that your
  company could do with some pictures of fake
  business people. Could this actually be some
  sort of guerilla marketing for iStockPhoto?
  Stranger things have happened.
http://snurl.com/istockphotomadness


  >> Weezer - Pork and Beans 2 <<
  As the dog returns to his vomit so do the
  interwebs return to Weezer's Pork and Beans
  video. The band's clearly been busy in
  post-production adding frankly mind-knackering
  heaps of extra meme in-jokes. Ah, those old
  memes - where would we be without them?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Weezer_Pork_and_Beans:2


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Two cocks, one vagina

  * CRUDE PEPPERONI COCKS - Spotted in a Pizzahut
  advert. (The Goatworrier)
http://www.cr3static.com/data/jpg/cockpizza.jpg

  * RETARDED PENIS LOLS - clearasmud writes,
  "this district of Hong Kong is worth a mention.
  Who'd have though of naming a place "Mong Kok"?"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mong_Kok

  * FANNY S HOLE: DECEASED - "Photo by moi!" Meak
  gesticulates in French.
http://moblog.net/view/871380/fanny-hole


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: WHAT DAY IS IT? CHALLENGE
  Fucked if we know

  Last week we asked you to make one of those one
  page sites that are popular at the moment, you
  know, where the domain poses a question and the
  page answers it.

  Lots of entries. Bloody loads considering.

http://thedayis.com/ (a username)
http://www.wotdayisit.com (suzibandit)
http://whatdayitis.com (matthewkimberley)
http://WhatDayOfTheWeekIsIt.co.uk (The hairy aerosol)
http://whatdateisit.co.uk/ (The hairy aerosol again)
http://day.smakkie.com/ (arsmakman)
http://thedayis.com (giles)

  Vote now to which one stays in the Celebrity
  Big Brother URL house.


-------------------------------------------------

: NERD JOKES 
  Because geeks need hahas
 
  We asked you to send in your favourite spoddy
  jokes, and you did. Oh you did.

  Here's some of your bestest:

  *  TOPLOLOGY LOLS - "Why did the mobius strip
  cross the road? To get to the other s..., er...
  oh." (hijackattack)

  *  DATA TYPE ROFLS - "Two strings walk into a
  bar, and the bartender says 'We don't serve
  strings here. You aren't a string, are you?'
  The first string says 'No, I'm a frayed
  knot.a$$%3333343__RG__RG__RU__FG' The second
  string says 'You'll have to excuse my friend,
  he's not null-terminated'." (justin.stach)

  * NUMBER SYSTEM LMAOS - "There's only 10 types
  of people in the world. Those that understand
  binary and those that don't." (turbojelly here
  repeating a classic that still makes our wife
  want a divorce at least 5 years after first
  hearing it.)

  Please send us more. We like them.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  The Funny Side of War

  With the Israelis and Palestinians intent on
  blowing each other up, this depressing saga was
  getting us down, so we asked you to bring on
  the lols.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * CHEERFUL JEWISH PERSON - What can we say that
  doesn't ruin the joke? (nocturne72)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9075033

  * MORPH - always happy to have our members
  wilfully misinterpret our challenges. (arkham
  angel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9076097

  * WAR! HUH!  What is it good for? Absolutely
  nothing. I'll say it again. (The Great
  Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9076020

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/war/


  >> Completely fucking useless shit <<
  The chocolate fireguard, the left-handed
  screwdriver, the inflatable dart-board, and the
  parachute that opens on impact. Invent your own
  useless contraption and show us its true
  shittiness with the magic of Photoshop.
  Suggested by tommyhaych, whom we secretly bum
  when nobody is looking.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/useless/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * KITTENWAR CALENDARS - Fraser, King Kitten
  himself, popped round B3ta HQ over Xmas to
  deliver his annual stash of KittenWar
  calendars. Apparently the publisher managed to
  send him over 100 for personal use and he's
  been dumping them on friends, friends of
  friends and even us. Marvel at our photo in the
  official B3ta kitchen, and possibly buy one via
  Amazon whilst we're still in January and
  there's most of the year left:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/3189263268/


  * MISSING-THE-POINT EMAIL OF THE WEEK -
  a-johnson informs, "You know your Bumper B3ta
  Book of Jokes is goin out as a free PDF? Not
  entirely sure if this a concern, but thought
  I'd let you guys know just in case." Cheers
  fella!
http://www.sickjokebook.com


  * OH SHUSH ABOUT STRING ALREADY - David
  Medeiros comments, "Love your newsletter. By
  the way, the correct answer to the question
  "How long is a piece of string" is 'No, Hao
  Long is a bay in Viet Nam' - Google 'Hao Long'
  and check it out for yourself if you don't
  believe me." Nope, we refuse. Our search engine
  of choice is AskJeeves.


  * BEST OF B3TA 2008 - your votes have been
  counted and we present to you 2008's top b3ta
  messageboard posts and links as decided by the
  clicky public. Don't say we didn't warn you.
http://b3ta.com/features/bestof2008/


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Bastard Tetris

  "It's just Tetris yes," says
  VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, "But unlike normal
  Tetris, it looks at the board, decides what
  piece would be most useful and then makes sure
  you don't get it. Bastard. I managed to get 
  one line."
http://l0ser.net/src/as3/bastet/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE


  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.
 
  "I was quite excited," confesses Amos E Wolfe,
  "When I read in the newsletter that someone
  wanted a website to tell them what day it was,
  and immediately logged in to my fasthosts
  account to register the relevant domain name.
  .com and .net are gone already. Someone called
  Andi Taylor has registered whatdayisit.co.uk
  TODAY so keep a look out for that. So I would
  have created that site but someone beat me to
  it. Any chance of some more 'requests for
  monopurpose websites?' please?" Ok for you, off
  the top of our heads:

  * WHERE ARE MY KEYS . COM - probably where you
  left them OR retrace your steps.

  * HAVE I LEFT THE GAS ON . COM - I dunno, you'd
  better check.

  * DOES THIS DRESS MAKE ME LOOK FAT . COM - No,
  you look lovely.

  And, and this one is actually quite a nice
  idea, too good for you, we should keep it back
  and become bigger than Goggle, or at least,
  KittenWar:

  * IS IT GOING TO RAIN TODAY . COM - Probably a
  bit more complex, but with some reverse IP
  lookup for location and parsing the BBC weather
  site, a fair stab is possible.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chemicals1234,
  Seventh, pissflaps, chickenlady, Michelle
  Obama's Stalker, littlefish, Mowgarr, Pew Pew
  Pew! Lasers! Grindstaff, The Oscillating
  Gibbon, Elusive and My Future Self. Top Tippery
  by Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Love to b4ta.
  Sublol: The Great Architect.
  
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  TOP TIP:

  Pretend you've won Formula 1 by placing your
  thumb over the end of the penis at the point of
  ejaculation.

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  Remember the radio advert that said: "If you
  want to know how much an unlicensed cab costs
  to Covent Garden, ask a rape victim." Don't.
  They go fucking mental.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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