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NEWSLETTER: "WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU JANE"

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This Week:
* BULLSHIT - are teh webs full of it?
* KILL BILL - in 60 seconds or less
* GOOGLE - StreetView Sightseeing

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "We're saving the 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     web on our local
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    hard disk for later"

B3ta email 371 - 26 Mar 2009

Read this using an "electronic" browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue371/

         Aldi:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Waitrose:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  bragster.com's Crank 2 comp

  "Jackass meets Facebook” social network bragster
  is the place to meet fellow show-off's who'll
  join you in snorting the contents of your
  spice rack, or bragging about your skate skills.
  Ahead of the release of the movie "Crank 2",
  they've paid a guy to change his name to 'Chev
  Chelios', and are now offering a HD camera for
  the best public freak-out!
http://www.bragster.com/crank2


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Bullshit, Red Carpet and Goo

  >> Bureaucratic bullshit detector <<
  "The Local Government Association has compiled
  a list of bullshit terms that should not be
  used by councils," explains Santa Claws. "My
  detector checks websites and rates them for
  their levels of bullshit. Thanks to chart cat
  for coming up with the idea (last week's
  newsletter." 
http://ruletheweb.co.uk/b3ta/bullshit/


  >> Being a paparazzo is harder than it looks <<
  "On Sunday I was invited to be a journalist on
  the red carpet at the BAFTAs," confesses Stu.
  "Trouble is, I absolutely fucking sucked at
  it." He's made a pleasing video of himself,
  standing in the rain, a bit out of his depth,
  bellowing celebrities' names, then muttering
  insults as they pass by without stopping. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqETJhDif6k


  >> Goo & the City <<
  Jonti adds a delicious chocolate coating to the
  Sex & the City girls in his latest Goovie.
  Chris the Ninja Pirate looks worryingly sexy as
  Miranda.
http://www.goovies.co.uk/goocity.html


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  God. Religion. Churches.

  Last week we decided to provoke a religious
  war, mainly as an excuse to smite the heathens.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/god/

  * "The Creation. Dear God. Pictures or it
     didn't happen."  (Anthropos)
  
  * "Any of you so much as fucking twitch and I
     will kill you, and your whole family. Next
     week I'll be summarising the New Testament."
     (apeloverage)
     
  * "Day 2 in heaven... and Jade is up for
     eviction." (nappy rash)


  >> New question: Nativity Plays <<
  We'd like you to blither amusingly on about
  your childhood experiences of nativity plays.
  And if you have nothing to say on the subject
  then please use /offtopic rather than posting
  on the main thread. Cheers.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/nativityplays/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> A lot of Kate Bush animated gifs <<
  Timely reminder of just how endearingly odd
  Kate Bush was (and remains). These short
  animated gifs showcase the peculiar costumes
  and the disturbing gyrations. But it was the
  crazy eye-acting that melted us completely.
http://snurl.com/babushka  [fourfour_typepad_com] 


  >> Genius music marketing <<
  What with downloads eroding bands' traditional
  revenue streams, we have to salute former Nine
  Inch Nails drummer Josh Freese. You can
  download his album for $7, but the more money
  you pay the more additional goodies he'll throw
  in. For $50 he'll call you up and thank you
  personally. For $1000 the extras include him
  coming round your house and doing your laundry.
  It goes on from there. Joel Veitch: are you
  reading this?
http://snurl.com/loveyoulongtime  [mashable_com] 


  >> Google Sightseeing <<
  Obviously, everybody has spent the last week
  playing about on Google's funky new StreetView
  that lets you wander round 3d views of real
  locations. Here's an ongoing Twitter feed, with
  people pointing out the odd and unusual things
  they've glimpsed via the all-seeing internet
  magic. Who needs to actually leave the house
  anymore?
https://twitter.com/gsightseeing


  >> Scanwiches <<
  Mouth-watering selection of deli sandwiches,
  cross-sectioned and placed on a flatbed
  scanner. The mayonnaise must be a bugger to get
  out of the scanner gubbins is all we can say.
http://scanwiches.com/


  >> Gynaecological animals <<
  Some of these are pushing it a bit to find a
  resemblance. We've never met a girl whose
  special area looked like a flying monkey. But,
  hey, perhaps we're just not as worldly as we'd
  like to think.
http://snurl.com/fannyzoo  [www_thefrisky_com] 


  >> 'Ultimate' workstation <<
  An amazing, swivelling computer desk that
  allows you to work from any height, including
  sliding a bed under it. So now your 72-hour
  Warcraft binge won't cost you a bad back. Just
  your job.
http://www.officeorganix.com/Eropod500.htm


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: WHAT B3TA PEEPS HAVE BEEN MAKING PART TWO
  Kill Bill, Complaints and Nerdy Tech

  >> The Abridged Kill Bill <<
  By popular demand, Cap'n and crew have followed
  up their epic 60-second Forrest Gump with a
  slightly shorter version of both Kill Bills.
  Nice fight scenes. This is a great way of
  saving time you'd waste at the cinema; next go,
  we suggest they tackle Tarkovsky's 7-hour
  original Solaris.
http://snurl.com/1minutekill  [www_b3ta_com] 


  >> Foolish complaints <<
  "I wrote a ton of idiotic letters to companies,
  claiming, for example, that IKEA's sofa
  teleported me to Paris and that Sugar Puffs
  smell of wee," scribes Chad. His surreal
  rantings have generated some surprisingly nice
  replies from bored customer service types.
  Here's him moaning that he found TV's Jeremy
  Spake in a tub of Brylcreem.
http://snurl.com/thusspakezarathustra 


  >> Bassline Synthesizer in Flash <<
  One for the old-school electronic music crowd.
  The hedgehog can never be buggered at all's
  flash project does exactly what it says on the
  tin.
http://joost.zeekat.nl/bassline.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  We're backing betamax

  >> Japanese black-face <<
  One benefit of broadening your cultural
  horizons is you can witness and marvel at how
  other cultures do their strange racist lols.
  This is a sumptuous feast indeed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4QB7cHdVfs


  >> Bam! Cock Shot! <<
  Relentlessly chirpy infomercial for a
  cock-punching, labour saving appliance. "It's a
  real time saver!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cock_Shot


  >> The tropical Isle of Wight <<
  It's easy to mock an attempt to bring Caribbean
  cred to the Isle of Wight tourist trade by
  making a reggae song about it. It's a demented
  idea and we laugh derisively. On the other
  hand, it has actually made us want to go see
  the place. Looks nice. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeX11hXkUo8


  >> Tormenting telemarketers <<
  Blokey has a bash at winding up a cold-caller
  by answering all of his questions with "yes".
  Good to the very last drop. 
http://snurl.com/cantsayno


  >> How to destroy a Creme Egg <<
  Crafty little viral from a few years back shows
  an elaborate Heath Robinson machine winding up
  to smash a gooey confectionary treat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrCb_fNmSTA


  >> Bag-head cat <<
  Pudgy feline accidentally pushes his head into
  a paper bag. Rather than going mental though,
  he rather seems to enjoy it and wanders
  sedately round, looking absolutely ridiculous.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofrSio_jZO0


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Double cocks, single blooper

  * ROOF COCK  - Everywhere this week was this
  story about Rory McInnes, 18, who drew a penis
  on his parents' roof in the hope it would get
  photographed by Google Earth. 
http://snurl.com/roofcock


  * COUNTDOWN BLOOPER - kevmaguire confesses,
  "Just spotted from a friend - he's one of those
  'big London trendy fashion designer' people but
  sits at home watching Countdown all day"
http://bit.ly/l9rXP


  * PHALLIC LOGO - yeah yeah, we do these all the
  time but this is a FINE example. (Thx axemanbob)
http://www.monmouthshirehousing.co.uk


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Food Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know where food *really*
  comes from.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CHEERS - Kelsey Grammar articulates the
  entire food experience 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9289570

  * PANDA - the origins of the ultimate organic
  smoothie (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9285318

  * MEAT FACE - nothing but the finest cuts in
  this children's meaty treat (legohead)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9286100

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/food/


  >> New challenge: Wrongstructions <<
  1. Use google to find some instructions. 
  2. Use photoshop to make them wrong. 
  3. BTW: These instructions can be words 
  or pictures. The world is your plaything.
  Challenge inspired by The Coast Of Yemen
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wrongstructions/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * APOLOGIES TO MOOB - who sent this in before
  Pancake Day and we forgot to post it. However,
  we find it funnier now that it's out of time.
  It has an expectant, plaintive quality.
http://isitpancakeday.com/


  * TOP TIPS HORSESHIT AS USUAL - Arsenic writes,
  "Water plants with vegetable cooking water? Not
  if you've added a pinch of salt. It'd build up
  in the soil every time and probably kill the
  plant someday." Maybe we hate plants? Maybe we
  want CO2 levels to rise? Maybe out of control
  climate change gives us the horn? Because we
  want everyone dead. Especially Michael Didd who
  had a bigger cock than us aged 12, and used to
  wave it around in the school shower. Pillock.
  Hope you get climate change on your fucking
  balls, Michael!!


  ...and breathe.


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Widescreen Tetris
  
  Things that have no need to be wider:

  * Our fat internet bums  
  * Ladies' vagina bits
  * And, of course, Tetris
http://sovietrussia.org/f/src/tetoris.swf


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WII YOUTUBE JOKE MASH - robinholden requests,
  "I was enjoying the recent Wii competition and
  I would like someone to make an app which will
  animate a moving Wii controller over the web
  video of your choice?"  Is there a brainiac out
  there who can make this man's dreams come true.

  * MISSING WORD GOOGLEoTRON - 
    X is the lowest form of wit: Sarcasm (80%),
    punning (15%), Quoting Dr Johnson (5%)

    X is the opium of the masses: Religion (95%),
    Tea (5%)

    You get it? Thanks to sabre-tooth monkey for
    the lovely suggestion.

  * GOOGLE STREET VIEW GAMES - maybe draw a  cock
  on your face and chase the Street View cars? It
  would be like Where's Willy. Or get an exercise
  bike and balance a laptop on the handle-bars,
  and 'cyber-cycle' to the shops. 


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Ad7, Gingey,
  hamzahbaig, ma0sm, Christian Sora,
  jessekillerkay and CapnChkn.  Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Ukrainian
  bar-snacks to b4ta. Subjlols via Prof
  UnderCover. (---boss+++)

  Forget making U2 pay tax - we heard their last
  album and Bono should have to pay reparations
  for war crimes.

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  SICKIPEDIA: 

  Does anyone else think "Don't Fuck with Shilpa
  Shetty" t-shirts would be a good business idea?

  BTW: 133 pages of Jade Goody jokes? So many, in
  fact, that when poor old Jade karked it the
  server died with her from the unexpected level
  of interest. 4EVA IN OWR HARTZ.
http://snurl.com/133pagesofjadegoodyjokes 

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