we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "NEWSLETTER TO BE REPLACED BY TWITTER FEED LOLS"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* VIDEO - Lady beard
* COCK - Joel gets his out 
* PRETEND BOOK - I Spot School Misery

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving the web 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  on floppy disks in case     
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  of SC Card apocalypse"

B3ta fax 372 - 3 Apr 2009

Read this issue on Teletext:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue372/

         Gosub:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Return:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Why the Real Estate Boom Will Not Bust
  
  For our readers with a taste for rubbing salt
  into wounds, this is the perfect birthday gift
  for friends who've invested their life savings
  in buy-to-lets. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0385514352/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Stuff, nonsense and piffle

  >> I Spot School Misery <<
  Your newsletter team of Rob & Dave found school
  pretty miserable really, but the silver lining
  is that E4 asked us to pour our experiences
  into the form of some kind of fake book. All
  voted for by you, lovely B3ta people. And
  absolutely riddled with obscure references to
  Smestow School of Wolverhampton circa 85 to 92.
  Oops, we've completely outed ourselves.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/school/index.html


  >> 8-BIT Waterslide in REAL LIFE! <<
  "Thought you might enjoy this video we made for
  a competition", pipes up Teaandcheese. "Feel
  free to vote but more importantly I hope you
  get a few laughs from it." Mostly we enjoyed
  the enormous amount of effort they've gone to
  to produce this. We once had 8 wanks in one
  day, which was an equally difficult
  achievement. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_BIT_Waterslide_in_REAL_LIFE


  >> Cockenspiel <<
  Veitch writes, "We've finally made the most
  advanced and realistic "playing a glockenspiel
  with your cock" simulator on the internets."
  Good stuff sir - what next? An anal sexaphone? 
http://rathergood.com/cockenspiel


  >> Weebl Vs Armageddon<<
  Jonti is getting his final payment for his
  "shed for babby" by pimping his egg-shaped
  creatures to sell egg-shaped chocolate. This
  one is riffing on Bruce Willis's Armageddon,
  where Brucey played an egg-shaped bald man
  dodging asteroids. As per usual, if you stay
  for the credits you'll get one of Jonti's
  special songs.
http://tinyurl.com/ccwzk3


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Nativity Plays

  Last week we asked your earliest stage appearances
  - you know, back when the school play once a year
  had a part for _everyone_. Go read them, if only
  for A Bean Countin' Man's lovely tale of (nice)
  stalking:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nativityplays/

  * NOT NINJAS - "I can trump all of those "I was
    a tree" or "I played a cow" stories: in the
    second year junior school I played... a patch
    of darkness. Oh yes. Myself and 4 or 5 others
    dressed entirely in black with black face paint
    on a dimly lit stage. I don't think the headmaster
    liked me." (MrC)
     
  * COMING OUT OF THE TREES - "Last year my daughter
    played her first part in the school play: tree
    number 3 in sleeping beauty. The costume consisted
    of a large cardboard tube, a brown jumper and
    cardboard cut out of leaves taped to her hands.
    The plan was for the trees to be playfully hit
    by the prince the trees and fall down. The prince
    got to the first tree and swung his plastic sword
    Whack! The first tree-kid fell over. The prince
    galloped over to the second one and whack! Second
    tree-kid falls over too. The prince then wandered
    over to my kid and hit her. She stays stood. The
    prince whacked the tree again, this time a little
    harder. This time she moved, but not the way planned.
    My daughter has been brought up with two brothers 
    and when there is a fight to be had she won't back
    down. The tree came alive, Whomping Willow style,
    uprooted itself and chased the (now in tears)
    prince off the stage. The now sobbing prince returns
    to stage holding a teacher's hand and is walked to
    Sleeping Beauty and wakes her up while off-stage
    the voice of a pissed-off tree yells, "He started
    it - he hit me first!" (mon bison)
     
  * RHUBARB - "I was about seven and was cast as one
    of the shepherds. We were to enter, stage left,
    talking amongst ourselves. There were no lines,
    just the instruction to 'talk amongst yourselves.'
    I asked a teacher what sort of thing we we should
    say and was told, "Just say 'rhubarb'." Now, I
    may not have been great at improvising dialogue,
    but I *was* good at organising and motivating...
    Enter stage left a group of shepherds, inexplicably
    bellowing "Rhubarb!" perfectly in unison. The
    following year I was a tree." (superscape)


  >> This Week's Question: scroungers <<
  Dole scum? There must be an upside to not
  working. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unemployed/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Before / after photoshopping <<
  Cameras never lie but Photoshop does. Enjoy
  this large collection of before and after
  images that demonstrate the dark arts of the
  retoucher. If only you could do this in real
  life: we'd give our cat bigger tits.
http://detouch.org/


  >> ActionObama! <<
  Obama isn't just a puppet of the New World
  Order - no really, he's literally a puppet. We
  particularly liked his detachable pointy finger
  - ideal for pointing at little ants and
  shouting, "are you part of the solution?"
http://gamu-toys.info/sonota/sw/obama/obama.html


  >> Talk to strangers on the internet <<
  Our mum told us never to talk to strangers, but
  then again she also told us we'd end up working
  on the bins and considered a 'sweet corn and
  sardine pizza' the height of cuisine. This site
  is extremely addictive, it's like almost like
  having friends. So tuck in, friendless:
http://omegle.com/


  >> The worst Star Trek costumes in history <<
  Cosplay is the sport of winners, and only the
  real hotshots attempt Star Wars regalia with
  such cack-handed panache. It's like Paris
  fashion week for the blind.
http://www.holytaco.com/worst-homemade-star-wars-costumes


  >> Construction Mistakes <<
  Stairs that lead to ceilings, CCTV cameras that
  point the back of an old telly and a cashpoint
  halfway up a side of a building. Bloody hell
  mate, you've 'ad the cowboys in ain't yer? 
http://www.crookedbrains.net/2009/03/construction.html


  >> Guess the state of her muff <<
  NSFW. A collection of ladies, dressed normally,
  not looking like they might have "done porn".
  Your job, gentle reader, is to imagine the
  condition of their pant moustache, then click
  for the full hairy reveal. (NSFW and likely to
  be booted off blogspot pretty soon we reckon.)
http://guesshermuff.blogspot.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  This year's answer to CD-Rom

  >> News anchor makes fun of lady's moustache <<
  Winning B3ta's coveted TV Personality of the
  Year 2009 is New Zealand's Paul Holmes who in
  the past described U.N bigwig Kofi Annan as a
  "cheeky darkie", New Zealand politician Tariana
  Turia as a "confused bag of lard" and his
  latest gaffe was not to shut up during a live
  broadcast about a woman with a tache. He makes
  Clarky look like a limp wristed pinko, and this
  is England, giving Paul an open invitation to
  come over here and save TV.
http://snurl.com/tashlols


  >> Shatner eats pudding <<
  We love the tubby Trek meister's almost sexual
  pleasure as he tucks into this pot of creamy
  dessert. Again. And again. And we know he keeps
  a few pots on his bedside table for those
  peckish night-time moments. Either that or
  someone's blown him up with a bicycle pump and
  forgotten to let the air out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr6efnY9Ebw


  >> Steel Panther - Death to all but metal <<
  For a brief moment in about 2003, the Darkness
  took the charts by storm with their oh so
  ironic take on rock. These guys do it better,
  taking the piss and making our hearts beat
  faster as they unleashed the power of metal.
  Justin must be spitting feathers as he sits
  alone in his council flat eating a pot noodle
  and wiping the tear-stains off his spandex.
  Brilliant. Make sure you watch right to the end.
http://b3ta.com/links/Steel_Panther_Death_to_all_but_metal


  >> Stupid animal lols <<
  Despite millions of years of evolution, animals
  are still as thick as pig shit. Silly cat.
  Silly hamster in wok.
http://snurl.com/fishcatlols
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on-qaC-TGoA


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Attempts at funny from the autism hut

  * WOMB LOGO LOLS - "Couple of people at the
  University of Lincoln have been laughing at
  this new logo seen around campus", informs The
  Mong Arm Of The Law, "Earlier I got linked to a
  lovely image detailing it and I thought it was
  perfect for the newsletter." Heh, this almost
  could be called a smear campaign.
http://snurl.com/wombwombshakethewomb


  * GOOGLE STREET VIEW BLUNDERS - Jon Bounds of
  'Birmingham, it's not shit' fame writes,
  "Created by the way Google has stitched two of
  its Street View panoramas in Smethwick, take
  the advert for a film and a moving bus." Great!
  Next week we bring you U2's new chart topping
  bum.
http://snurl.com/googlemyanus


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Wrongstructions Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to mess with
  instructions.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BACON - bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon
  bacon (Barbarossa)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9307252

  * DEATH STAR - serves 'em right for getting
  cowboy builders in (barryheadwound)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9306990

  * POPE - The Vatican's change of heart on
  contraception was introduced in spectacular
  fashion (BobilFlass)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9314279

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wrongstructions/


  >> New challenge: Pop Goes The Movies <<
  Time was, any pop star worth their salt would
  make a shit movie to earn a few quick quid
  (even Slade made one). Now it's just rappers.
  What films would YOUR favourite pop stars
  appear in? Challenge suggested by Joe
  Scaramanga 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/popmovies/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BLOGS VS SCOTTISH TABLOIDS - following on
  from the recent internet revolt against the
  Scottish Sunday Express VS Dunblane survivors
  story, comes Jamie Ross, a young writer
  currently blogging his experiences with cancer
  and trying to make it as a comedy writer. He's
  not too happy that the Scottish Sun ripped
  lumps of his blog and edited it down to a
  'poor, brave, cancer survivor' story. Anyway,
  tuck in if you like internet rows, and frankly
  we do.
http://snurl.com/seriousinternetbusiness


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PRINTABLE BOOK COVERS FOR BOOKS YOU'RE
  EMBARRASSED TO READ IN PUBLIC - currently we're
  working our way through the Charles Manson
  murder biog Helter Skelter, it's got a truly
  frightening cover and we had to make a DIY
  dust-cover from a sheet of A4 so we could read
  it in a children's playground without looking
  like a mental. However the official B3ta wife
  now thinks we made ourselves look like we were
  reading porn. In front of children.

  * CHOCOLATE TEAPOT EASTER EGGS - yes we know
  we've covered choccy teapots before, but with
  Easter coming up wouldn't they make the perfect
  gift for the useless idiots in your life? You
  could say, "you're as useful as a chocolate
  teapot" and they'd have to accept the insult
  because it would be made of lovely, luscious
  chocolate. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PRODUCT DESIGN
  FOR THE WIN.

  * BISCUIT MASHUPS - Custard Dodgers, Gypsy
  Bourbons, and Figgy Hobnobs. Biscuits 2.0 is
  coming and if you don't step up to the plate
  then you're a crummy bastard.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff twittered in by @j2n4me,
  @frizfrizzle, @iainthomson, @c_j_s. Other stuff
  via email / or the board from Floppy Donkey,
  Monty Propps, Professor Kenny Martin and
  GomiNoSensei. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Bono joke from
  FishNChimps. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlol via Emvee AKA Rob Lees Jones,
  who once turned up at our house in a skirt.

  New world order? Was that the one
  with John Barnes rapping on it? 

  #fallowfriday @crop_rotation @top_soil
  @nitrogen and not forgetting the
  @1933_Agricultural_Adjustment_Act

  AND AND AND, we might have got to this a bit
  late but has everyone seen this giant cock
  on a roof?
http://snurl.com/giant_cock_on_a_roof


-------------------------------------------------

  SICKIPEDIA:
  When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to
  write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a
  basic skill isn't it....
http://www.sickipedia.org/

next issue »
« previous issue