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NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE EVEN LESS BUSY THAN ASHTON KUTCHER"

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This Week:
* VIDEO - Disturbing Strokes
* CHALLENGE - Fluffy Disasters
* QUESTION - Embarrassing fan moments

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're making     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     testicle tetris...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        together"

B3ta email 374 - 17 Apr 2009

Download this newsletter with your modem:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue374/

          Fruit:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Vegetables:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 
  The loony bin is open
  
  >> Dan & naD <<
  Clever, clever stuff from Dan (and Dan), who
  has made a palindromic comedy sketch about a
  guy who starts ageing backwards. "As you can
  probably guess," he explains, "This took
  quite a while to get right. But we wouldn't
  have it any other way."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwWI1aHpzy0


  >> Disturbing Strokes <<
  "A quick change of music and a couple of
  tweaks" from Monty Propps have transformed the
  opening titles of classic sit-com Diff'rent
  Strokes into something altogether creepier.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/302078


  >> Talent <<
  Food for thought from Goodiebag Kirby, as he
  mulls over the 'myth' of 'talent'. Interesting
  subject, which got sparked us off on a good
  'debate'.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/15_talent.htm


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Nightclubs

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked about your experiences in
  nightclubs:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nightclubs/

  * I'LL GET MY - "A little the worse for wear by
  the cloakroom. It's nearing the end of the night
  and I go up to the cloakroom lady and say, 'I'm
  very sorry, but I've lost the ticket for my
  jacket, is there any chance I could get it back
  without the ticket?' She looked impatient and
  said, 'I've already given you your coat.' And
  then had the temerity to add, 'and you are
  wearing it.' I've not really been back since."
  (teebie jeebie)
   
  * ROOFIES - "My mate Landon, bored, tried picking
  up girls a couple levels out of his league.
  Plastic cup in hand, he shoves his head into a
  crowd of four girls sitting at a table and, in
  a shifty foreign accent, goes, 'Excuse me, but
  do you know where I can get, erm, I can't remember
  what they're called... you put them in someone's
  drink when... when you want to go home with them.'
  At this point their looks of disgust turn to
  abject horror: 'DATE RAPE!?' one of them shouts,
  loud enough to turn heads over the shitty music.
  'I, I don't know. Is that what they're called?
  These pills, you put them in drinks and they get
  sleepy and...' 'DATE RAPE!?!' she shouts again.
  By this point the rest are looking a bit nervous
  and I see a bouncer heading our way. 'I, I suppose.
  Do you know where to get them?' 'OF COURSE NOT!'
  Then, in perfect English he replies, 'Thank God,
  watch my drink!' and walks off towards the
  bathroom. The abrupt transformation from horror,
  to confusion, to tears-streaming-down-face laughter
  was truly a sight to behold." (TheManWhoWas)
   
  * DINOSAUR - "Trying to get into the Garage in
  Sauchiehall Street on my 18th birthday - a
  friend had given me a toy dinosaur as a present,
  so when they asked if I had any weapons with me,
  I pulled dino out of the bag and shouted 'RAWR!
  I have a vicious man-eating lizard, does that
  count?' They then asked if I had any ID to
  prove that I was over 5..." (vitamin c)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  What lengths have you gone to in order to show
  your devotion to your heroes? Just how big a
  fan are you? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fans/


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: BONUS SPONSORED LINKYPOOS 
  Forget Dinner

  The UK's least romantic dating site:
http://www.forgetdinner.co.uk


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Dork Yearbook <<
  Vintage pictures of young nerds, posing with
  their early computers. Particularly delightful
  is an 80s current affairs show, introducing
  America to the latest trend from Japan - Super
  Mario Brothers.
http://dorkyearbook.com/


  >> Circuit Snacks <<
  Claiming to be "the tastiest way to design and
  learn about electronic circuits", here's an
  in-depth guide to replicating circuits with
  sweet, sweet, uh, sweeties. We could be looking
  towards a new generation of toothless techies.
http://www.evilmadscientist.com/article.php/circuitsnacks


  >> Uncomfortable Plot Summaries <<
  Wilfully perverse short summaries of film, TV
  and comic stories. For example, Star Wars: 
  Religious extremist terrorists destroy
  government installation, killing thousands.
  Batman: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
http://snurl.com/g31cw  [www_postmodernbarney_com] 


  >> Bleak kids' word book <<
  'Child's first dictionary' spoof that introduces
  baby to a world comically full of sadness and
  woe.
http://myfirstdictionary.blogspot.com/


  >> Sex with presidents <<
  "I paint myself having sex with the Presidents
  of the United States in chronological order,"
  explains crazy artist Justine Lai. It's like a
  grotesque jazz mag for political historians.
  And somewhat NSFW.
http://justinelai.com/


  >> Derek Acorah has cancelled some tour dates <<
  And his excuse is a psychic classic. "It is
  with deep regret that we announce the
  cancellation of two shows due to unforseen
  television commitments." Doh.
http://www.derekacorah.org/


  >> Stars in a 50's stylee <<
  Some dedicated pinup fan has collected together
  a gallery of modern stars photographed as if
  they were 50's pinups. A healthy shot of classy
  glamour.
http://www.listal.com/list/pinup-picture


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: B3TAN MAKES CARD GAME 
  We've got 10 to give away
  
  Remember that War on Terror board game made by
  Andrew Sheerin that ended up being seized by
  Plod under the crappy terrorist laws? Well,
  he's back and has a new game that he's hoping
  won't get him sent to jail. We've got ten to
  give away to the best answers to the classic
  joke feedline, "why did the chicken cross the
  road?" 
http://www.robmanuel.com/2009/04/16/win-10-copies-of-crunch-the-card-game/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like laserdiscs that you don't have to flip

  >> Why condoms don't protect you from AIDS <<
  Extended argument, with scientific examples, as
  to why a condom will fail to protect you from
  STDs. Leads to a startling denouement. This guy
  is a pure delight. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaZBSZ0xbfk


  >> Interview fail <<
  News reporter goes to interview suspect in
  local crime, only to find she's batshit crazy.
  Watch him gradually lose the will to live. She,
  on the other hand, seems to be having a
  brilliant time and manages to plug her costume
  shop.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5IQqMCAsow


  >> We didn't start the flamewar <<
  Fantastic animated webpage tomfoolery. The
  greatest Billy Joel-inspired online community
  tribute song ever!
http://snurl.com/g31dd  [www_madville_com] 


  >> Tug of war - face edition <<
  Two guys wear tights over their heads and
  attempt to pull each other over, while the
  camera zooms in on their comically-distorted
  faces. We never realised noses could squash
  quite so much.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tug_of_war_Face_Edition


  >> Boss hip hop <<
  Rhyming middle manager takes you through a
  typical day in his increasingly demented
  working life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NisCkxU544c


-------------------------------------------------

: GET YOUR TATS OUT 
  for the geeks

  Chat Magazine runs a fantastic feature where
  dole-scum readers send in their dreadful body
  art. Generally it's mums with their kids' names
  scrawled on their flabby arms. But it's not
  just the pikeys who are proud of their ink:


  * GEEKY TATTOOS - cribbed from our twitter
  friend Christian H, a rock star programmer, a
  regular turn on the programming conference
  circuit and the proud owner of an off, play and
  stop switch on his wanking arm.
http://www.geekytattoos.com/


  * TASTELESS TATS - interview with a man who's
  made it a mission to daub his body with the
  most tasteless tattoos in the world. Included
  are a man with a vagina eating his own leg, a
  tranny having a dump and best of all, a Nazi
  unicorn on his arse.
http://snurl.com/g31e3  [news_bmezine_com] 


  * SATANISM FAIL - confusing the Star of David
  with a pentagram really is Devil Worship 101.
http://imgur.com/MOUSN.jpg


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: B3TA PEOPLE #2 
  More stuff from the mentals 

  >> Gordon Brown <<
  Jonti doesn't like Gordon Brown. He's a dull
  man, in a boring suit. Why can't we have
  someone more exciting and dynamic, like Kim Il
  Jong or Robert Mugabe?
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Gordon/
  
  
  >> Snooker loopy George <<
  Respected news journalist George Alagiah sings
  Chas & Dave from a troublespot in the
  developing world, thanks to the digital
  wizardry of kb3d. Has an odd charm.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Snooker_Loopy
 
  
  >> Gay Spacemen <<
  You know the jokes a-coming, but it can't
  prepare you for Joel and gang relentlessly
  pounding it in your face again and again.
  Hooray!
http://rathergood.com/spacemen


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Computer Game Reality Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show us the 
  grim reality behind the so-called "fun" 
  of computer games.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BOMB - even on Planet Bomber, internment 
    camps and rendition flights were a 
    subject of much fierce debate 
    (Lazio Woodbine)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9347700

  * INVADER - controversial image appearing 
    to suggest that a sprite may have been
    captured by the US Government (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9346671

  * SNAKE - the star of Nokia gaming made
    regular, mysterious visits to the 
    ladies room (ferret)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9360032

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/reality/


  >> New challenge: Fluffy Disasters <<
  Time to bring a little happiness to a 
  globe in turmoil: take atrocities, 
  murders, disasters, the lot, and make 
  them as fluffy as fluffy can be.
  Challenge suggested by workboresme.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fluffydisasters/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CRANK LETTERS - Robney McPlum has been
  sending harassing emails to Olympic
  representatives to provoke correspondence about
  his penis. Best line? "We are unable to use
  your cock as the official snack for the women's
  Olympic team." Which is fair enough really,
  most of them prefer rug.
http://snurl.com/g31er  [i236_photobucket_com] 


  * T-SHIRTS - one of the amazing joys of running
  B3ta is the occasional freebee sent by members.
  Thanks to Pat Wood of truffle-shuffle who sent
  the whole Fuhrer family t-shirts. Witness Angus
  modelling a Twister t-shirt. BTW: Our cat Rocky
  is also available for modelling duties if
  anyone wants to send us a year's supply of cat
  biscuits or much-needed flea treatment.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/3448105266/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Find the Key

  We used to drive our old flatmates insane by
  constantly losing our keys and being locked
  out, until one day, they bought us a chain and
  said, "tie the fucking things to your belt and
  stop waking us up at 3 in the morning." Maybe
  you'll have more luck finding your keys in this
  rather good game. Shame about the irritating
  pre-roll ads.
http://www.bartbonte.com/meandthekey


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * THE RETURN OF COMMUNISM - so that all
  electronic items are manufactured by the
  government and all take the same chargers and
  other wires. (The Russian iPod, it's compatible
  with everything but only plays the Red Army
  Choir)

  * TWITTER ZORK - Mike Trinder suggests,
  "Monkeon's idea that you could play the classic
  text adventure Zork via Twitter had me thinking
  that's possible to do. Infocom's Z-machine code
  is freely available."
http://b3ta.com/board/9359613

  * CAKE ON THE NHS - apparently those with wheat
  intolerances can get a prescription for special
  cake. We're just saying, Mr Doctor, can we have
  this too? 


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MrQaz, Alex
  Humphreys, @dr_whom, chunderbunny, funkenstein,
  shambla and Boondocks - YEAH! Top Tippery by
  Rob. Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  subjlols via Scaramanga
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Use the subtitles on the The Wire DVDs, it
  makes all the mumbling and complicated plotting
  actually comprehensible. 


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  "UK Students Die In Safari Crash." I bet they
  wished they'd just stuck with Internet Explorer
  now.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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