NEWSLETTER: "HEADS AND KNEECAPS... TRUNCHEON BLOWS... TRUNCHEON BLOWS"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Outdoor sex?
* CHALLENGE - Shop The Police
* SONG - Fucking cunt cunt cunt 2009 remix
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Goodbye Geocities...
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | although we never
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| used you at all"
B3ta email 375 - 24 Apr 2009
Now available on your pager:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue375/
Stalk: [email protected]
Walk: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Rap, Cunts, Crilly and Robot Fear
>> Eminem song remade for British current events <<
Dan Bull, whose awesome nerd gaming rap we
featured a wee while ago is back with a new
track, having a go at our beloved UK
celebrities and politicians. The best hip-hop
ever to name-check Jacqui Smith.
http://snurl.com/wemadeyou [www_b3ta_com]
>> "Fucking cunt" redux <<
Ah, the heady days of 2004. All nations of the
world joined hands, dancing with flowers in
their hair. And the song they were singing was
'Fucking Cunt'. After a lengthy hiatus, it's
returned. "Please note," says proud composer
Koit, "I have updated the animation to include
new cunts."
http://www.anna-ghislaine.com/koit/fc2009.html
>> Crilly Fr <<
Here's a Monty Propps mashup of Father Ted with
the Magnum PI music. Can it be a sin to splice
together two things so thoroughly loved? Unless
it's your kids, we guess. BTW Father Ted's
titles also work well with Miami Vice.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crilly_Fr
>> "I'm Scared" <<
Charming ditty from Joel about a mechanical
nightmare sent from the future to destroy
humanity. Poor Doombot 9000 is frightened of
everything.
http://rathergood.com/scared
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Super-Fans
Last week we asked about the lengths you've
gone to for your heroes. Worth clicking for
grandmasterfluffles' story of how her strictly
entre-nous fanmail made it into the national
press:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fans/
* I SMELL OF HAMMERS - "On the tube, bloke gets
on and sits opposite. I glance up and recognise
him instantly. It's uber-documentary maker,
bumbling Brit abroad, Louis Theroux. I'd just
watched his latest about a hospital for
kiddy-fiddlers in California. So, being a gobby
twat, I decided to show my appreciation.
"Excuse me, mate - Excuse me..." I get his
attention. Along with that of just about
everyone else in the carriage. "I really loved
that paedophile thing. Just wanted to say good
work, mate." And I sit back with a knowing
smile and a slight nod of admiration. And Louis
looks at me with utter confusion and disgust.
He buries his head in his paper. And then I
start to feel the eyes of every fucking body in
the carriage burn into my skin... And I realise
with utter unadulterated fucking horror that
this man is not, in point of fact, Louis
Theroux - he just looks an awful lot like him.
To my audience, I am some kind of paedo, who
has just given his full, frank, and very public
support to another." (SpankyHanky)
* I AM JED - "Steve Coogan was doing a book
signing in Bristol and a friend and I went to
see him as we were big Partridge fans. So much
so that we took along a 'hilarious' picture of
my friend sat on the lap of a mock up Alan
sitting in an armchair in our living room. We
had a cut out and keep Alan Partridge mask as
the head and we had recreated his body in 'Guy
Fawkes' style, it was quite convincing. When my
friend handed the photo over to Steve to sign,
his face went white and all he could say was
something along the lines of 'that is very
disturbing'. He signed the photo 'you sick,
sick people' or words to that effect. And that
was that, until we sat down to watch the
episode in the next series of the show, where
Alan gets stalked by a mad fan... who has a
entire room dedicated to Alan... with an
armchair in the middle with a mock up 'Alan'
very much like the one we had produced. In fact
exactly like it. I am still waiting for the
royalties..." (barrington)
* I'LL BE YOUR RUBBER DUCKIE - "I went on TV
aged 4, to do an interpretative dance for my two
biggest heroes: Bert and Ernie. I got to meet
them, then cried, then wet myself. On
television. If you’re reading this, Bert and
Ernie, I’m an adult now. If you’d like to get
together for a chat over bottle of wine
(pissing is extra), you can contact me via
b3ta." (TheSnark)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to know all about your outdoor sexy
times. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/publicsex/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Naked Barbie project <<
Bloke bashes together an 'anatomically correct'
Barbie & Ken and harasses Mattel to start
mass-production. Slightly harrowing pics of
naked dolls getting new orifices drilled.
http://www.zug.com/pranks/barbie/
>> Electro pee illustration <<
This is the path electricity takes through your
body if you wee on a wire. Taken out of context
though, it's still a fantastic image.
http://snurl.com/electropee [www_flickr_com]
>> How to make a baby <<
When we clicked on this we reckoned it was
going to be twee, self-indulgent rubbish. It's
not - and we applaud their clever use of the
'picture every day' meme.
http://www.otherthings.com/howtobaby/
>> Measure your e-penis <<
Uses some sort of maths wizardry to assess your
internet fame, measured by the size of your
virtual cock. Neuromancer was never like this.
Anyway, Rob enjoys an e-peen almost 3 meters
long.
http://www.epenis.nl
>> Lost luggage <<
If you've misplaced any baggage at an airport
recently, perhaps you can find a picture of it
here - the site owner would really like to get
it back to you. You'll also find pictures of
everything that was inside the case, also
meticulously photographed and on display.
http://snurl.com/isthisyourluggage
>> Goatse goes mainstream <<
Danish toilet tissue company wants to emphasise
that it's product is 100% recycled. That's the
apparent reasoning behind these glaringly
repellant bog-roll dispensers.
http://snurl.com/nowwashyourhands [adweek_blogs_com]
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Slow Loris loves getting tickled
Too cute for words but we wonder if the
tickling makes it emit some horrible skunk-like
scent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Slow_Loris_loves_getting...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Dub these off to VHS (but mind the Macrovision)
>> Auto-Tune vs TV News <<
Auto-tune is the effect used on modern pop
records that makes the vocals sound like daleks
in a gay disco, but a rising meme has seen the
technology being used for comic effect, from
applying it to babies laughter to this example,
adding it to the news.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_news_fed_through_an_...
>> Scary old man sings Pretty Woman <<
Josef Fritzel-a-like 'Edarem' brings you his
ode to the lovely ladies in his life, who may
or may not be buried under the floorboards.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Old tech rhapsody <<
Blake 7's Orac and friends grind out a 4 part
harmony to everyone's favourite rock opera. Is
this some sort of cunning viral campaign for
the HP ScanJet 3c that's filling in for Freddy?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Office Synchronised Swimming <<
Remember the Malaysian prison officer who made
his lags dance to Michael Jackson's Thriller? We
can only assume a Russian pimp with a leg and
show fetish is behind this curiously erotic
display.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Office_Sychronised_Swimm...
>> Electro beards <<
A Kraftwerk tribute act staffed by Linux
programmers, enhanced by appalling 80s video
effects. Banging.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still not funny, still not cornery
* HAIRY COFFEE - Rob Edwards confides, "I was
in the local Lidl store earlier and noticed
this delightful coffee. So I whipped out my
phone and took a snap."
http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/7161/photo0018s...
* ALFONSO PRAT-GAY - A politico so proud of his
dual funny name heritage that he double
barrelled it. Cheers to Buenos Aires
correspondent Stanley Wannard, who's been
sniggering at the massive posters emblazoned
all over the city.
http://www.alfonsopratgay.com/index.htm
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Fluffy Disasters Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to make nasty events
nice.
Your favourites included:
* KITTEN - grinning junior feline destroys
shop. Awww (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9368253
* BEAR - zoo-invading lunatic rescued by
friendly bears. Awww (Vitalbalistix)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9363918
* TOMLINSON - dead man makes surprise
appearance in comedy classic. Awww (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9370564
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fluffydisasters/
>> New challenge: Shop The Police <<
As the British Police Force comes under fire,
your task is to produce images to help them
out, to repair their damaged reputation and to
encourage new recruits.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cops/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ZORK TWITTER - Last week we asked for a
version of ancient text adventure Zork that
worked via twitter. Bigwayne writes, "Try
sending a tweet such as '@zorkgame look'. It
might fall over, the response speed maybe
slower the the global recovery, but it only
takes 5 seconds to send a tweet."
* MORE OMEGLE NONSENSE - "Hello people from teh
internets," hails Splather, "I discovered
Omegle through B3ta, and decided to have a
poke about on there. I think I've sparked some
sort of new sport: causing people to rip their
ethernet cable out of their machine and sit
quivering, hoping the police don't pop round
for a word."
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/jpg/quickchat....
* COMPETITION WINNERS - last week we asked you
a tie-breaker to win copies of 'crunch: the
card game.' Winners include Terence Eden,
Khaaaaan, Brendan Quinn, Daniel, Robin Little,
CanonCaliber, mr.BIG, TEAM MEGAFORCE!!!, hektik
and Neil Mitchell. Losers can buy the game
instead at:
http://www.crunchthecardgame.com/thegame/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COOKING CUCUMBERS - musing over our lunch
today we were thinking how there's certain
vegetables traditionally served raw, salad for
instance whilst others such as potatoes
invariably cooked. Can you conjure up a reverse
dinner with roasted salad and a raw sausage?
* GLOVE SPIDERS? - We've all seen sock monkeys,
but what could you do with a glove?
* AN ANTI-AIDS VIRUS - that and transmits
sexually and prevents people getting HIV .
You'd be morally compelled to have sex with as
many people as possible in the name of public
health. Win.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in via gronkpan,
@nofunnyname, sancelle, jingle_man, codepo8,
emilyd, @alnapp, @Grouch76. Top Tippery by
Crap Little Monkey. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlos via prodigy69.
The Great Wall of China was brilliant except
for one thing: The Great Ladder of Central Asia.
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TOP TIP:
Don't shave in a sink with running water. Boil
a kettle and pour into a cup. You'll have a
better shave and it's cheaper too.
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SICKIPEDIA:
I had a German plumber round the other day to
fix my shower. He accidentally connected the
gas supply to the water supply. I guess old
habits die hard.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
