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NEWSLETTER: "FREE GURKHA KNIFE FOR EVERY READER!"

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This Week:
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Yep, B3ta vs Twitter
* QUESTION - Confess your gambling problems
* DRIED NASAL MUCUS - Biggest snotball ever

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're rebooting the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      telly... together"

B3ta email 377 - 8 May 2009

Especially designed for your Psion organiser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue377/

       The Wire:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     The Bill:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Will singing bottle take on Lady Gaga?

  There are many obscure questions in the world.
  Could a cat win Wimbledon? Can you make a car
  out of ham? Will a singing bottle ever top the
  charts with his vocal prowess? Actually,
  sometimes itís the strangest things that turn
  out to be real...
http://tinyurl.com/Hankthesingingbottle


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than eating stale bacon
 
  >> Susan Boyle meets... Doctor Who <<
  "I'm so sorry, I'm so very sorry..." weeps
  RichJohnston. He's mashed together footage of
  everyone's favourite musical spinster with
  particularly shit 1980s Doctor Who. The results
  are crude but effective.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Susan_Boyle_meets_Doctor_Who


  >> Pythagorus the Penguin <<
  Butters tells the tale of an incompetent
  penguin and a fish vending machine. Slight but
  amusing cut-out paper stylings.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pythagorus_the_Penguin


  >> Billy the Kitt <<
  Lawman Cat Garrett pursued outlaw Billy the
  Kitt across the Old West to the greatest
  gunfight ever seen. That is what Joel tells us
  and who are we to argue with magical singing
  cats?  
http://rathergood.com/billy


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Turning into your parents

  Last week we asked about your slow, inevitable
  decline into your parents. Click to read of
  such things as spikeypickle's special paint-
  stirring stick that he keeps in the shed:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gettingolder/

  Here's three pieces of comfy clothing:

  * "Shopping for warm clothes in February, I
  came across a nice Marks and Spencer striped
  woolly jumper, just my size, for three quid
  in a charity shop. Bargain! I took it home,
  tried it on and I was really happy with it.
  Last week, I took my daughter to see my
  parents on the other side of town. 'Nice
  jumper, Noel,' said my mum, 'Let me guess:
  British Heart Foundation? A month or two ago?'
  'Um, yeah. How'd you know that?' 'I was spring
  cleaning and gave some clothes to charity.
  That jumper used to belong to your father.'
  My daughter pointed and laughed." (No3L)
     
  * "This week I finally gave in and bought a
  pair of elasticated waistband 'jogging' (ha!)
  pants to wear around the house. They are
  fantastic. I just want to tell people about
  how comfy they are. And very reasonably priced!"
  (The Light In Chains)
     
  * "It rained the other day down here in that
  London. I actually, in all seriousness,
  contemplated buying one of those plastic rain
  hoods from the chemist. I might as well just
  book a blue rinse and a Saga holiday now."
  (Rakky)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your stupidest bets. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gambling/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Where are you in the movie? <<
  Consider your whole life-span as a film. Input
  your age here and you get to see whereabouts
  you'd be in classics such as Star Wars, The Big
  Lebowski and Wizard of Oz. We're with the Dude
  in a bar somewhere.
http://www.amberdigital.com/where/


  >> 9/11 cookie monster <<
  The conspiracy theorists on David Icke's forums
  chill out and have fun constructing hidden
  meaning from a 1976 Sesame Street book cover.
http://www.davidicke.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54907


  >> DIY Snotball <<
  Everybody should have an enormous ball of
  preserved nose-goblins.. Here's a handy
  step-by-step guide to manufacturing a giant
  fake ball of bogeys so you can pretend you've
  been collecting them up for 18 years.
http://www.averyswellidea.com/swellideas/BoogerBall.html


  >> Massive piles <<
  Gigantic mounds of stuff, all sorts of stuff,
  all heaped up. If that's your field of interest
  you'll find much to love in this photo gallery
  site.
http://mmmmound.blogspot.com/


  >> Awkward boners <<
  Unwanted, public erections are a particular
  hazard of being a man. Who hasn't had to stay
  on the bus miles past their stop, hunched in
  your seat because you caught a glimpse of the
  bus driver's erotic tattoo? Anyway, here's a
  place to laugh at blokes who haven't even the
  good grace to be embarrassed about it. 
http://www.awkwardboners.com


  >> Custard shortage hits Kent <<
  Young mum on a desperate hunt for custard.
  Props to thisiskent for writing the most
  parochial story ever. Well, second to Giles
  Coren's guides to the cafes of Kentish Town.
http://snurl.com/slowestnewsdayever


  >> Wall of YouTube <<
  Makes a swirling collage of any YouTube video
  you care to point it at, by tiling it with a
  slight delay between each version. Here's it's
  take on alco-classic Beer Beer Beer. 
http://snurl.com/yooouuutuuube


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  "Itís a codec moment" (tm)

  >> "Twelve months" in Estonian? <<
  Comedy gold as interviewer gets Estonian women
  to tell him how to say "twelve months". That
  would be "kaksteist kuud".
http://snurl.com/kaksteistkuud  [b3ta_com] 


  >> The Grapist <<
  Advertising pitch meeting for grape juice
  company. They're afraid the new campaign is
  perhaps hitting the wrong tone.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Grapist


  >> Play him off, Keyboard Cat <<
  Musical feline provides the theme-tune to failure.
http://playhimoffkeyboardcat.com/

  SEE ALSO: Clever b3tard Bobsworth has automated
  the whole thing so you can make Keyboard Cat
  play off any youTube clip you like:
http://bobsworth.dreamhosters.com/keyboardcat/


  >> LSD: A cautionary tale <<
  Earnest 60s telly show Dragnet warns viewers
  that LSD is highly dangerous. Goes on a bit but
  it is funny, particularly as you can see where
  Police Squad got its ideas from.
http://bit.ly/GAtvs


  >> Eastenders (The Milk) <<
  Aggressive redubbing of what the 'stenders
  should be saying. We also liked these guys'
  version of Dragons' Den.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Eastenders_the_milk


  >> Pimped out fridge <<
  Comedy ladies' man gives you the tour of his
  crib, mostly concentrating on the importance of
  a fridge well-stocked with beverages.
http://bit.ly/KzfbR


  >> Fire alarm jam session <<
  Most people hearing a fire alarm immediately
  evacuate the building (after getting their
  coats and finishing your coffee).  Students, on
  the other hand, just work the wailing sound
  into their band rehearsal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vXBY6c_oBE


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Stupid name & phallic logo double entry

  Bethnjones writesm "The guy's got a brilliant
  name and his company has a phallic logo to
  boot! Here's Mr. Piswanger" 
http://www.pendlpiswanger.at


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the David Icke Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to 'shop 
  Britain's foremost crackpot.

  Your favourites included:

  * QUEEN - Icke ignores royal protocol in an
  attempt to unmask the Queen (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9408002

  * GLASSES - viewing the world through lenses
  tinted with paranoia (Jeru)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9411556

  * VIDEO - in which Icke infiltrates Blockbuster
  video in order to spread his lunacy (Monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9411850

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/davidicke/


  >> New challenge: Twitter <<
  It's officially the biggest thing since the
  last big thing, and will remain so until the
  next big thing comes along. It's ripe for one
  of b3ta's occasional one-word challenges. It's
  Twitter.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/twitter/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * STREET VIEW "MOONING" SUBVERSION - Pat Wood
  claims, "he Google Street View car came down my
  mateís road tonight... some more mates were at
  the top of the same, small cul de sac... one
  swift phone call later and thereís plenty of
  B3ta-inspired ass lining the street- Iíll let
  you know when itís live and whether or not
  their auto face-blurrer confuses my and Siís
  childish botties for peopleís faces. The bloke
  in the Google car found it amusing. Especially
  when he realised he had to turn round and come
  right back out of the lane!" Photos or it
  didn't happen as they say on CB radio.

  * TOP TIP BOLLOCKS AS PER USUAL - A.Reader
  writes, "Your top tip (B3ta email 375 - 24 Apr
  2009) is bollocks, washing your razor in
  boiling water will expand the blade causing it
  to lose its edge and therefore result in a
  blunter shave." Yeah yeah yeah, shave your legs
  tranny-boy.

  * BEANS: MICROWAVE VS COOKER - irregularshed
  burps, "I've just got a new electric cooker
  after an ill-advised repair to the door of the
  old one resulted in 'hilarious' consequences.
  The manual that came with it let me know that
  the rings on the hob are either 1500W or 2000W,
  depending on the size. An 850W microwave will
  use more lecky than just the energy thrown out
  by its magnetron, probably in the region of
  1000W (from faded memory). If we say it takes
  about 3.5 minutes to heat a tin of beans up in
  either a pan or the microwave - a fair
  assumption, although I've never timed beans
  heating on a hob - using the microwave is going
  to use about two thirds of the power that the
  hob would." 

  * SLAP CHOP MAN IN SLEAZE SHOCK - Regarding a
  video we featured last week Aegryan informs,
  "Slap-chop Vince slapped up a prostitute. 
  Check out page 2, she was even quite pretty. 
  Turns out it can't slap all your troubles away."
http://snurl.com/pimpslapchop  [www_thesmokinggun_com] 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DOUBLE BLIND BEANS TEST - Expiry_date has
  written in to complain that "nothing makes me
  angrier than people disrespecting the baked
  bean by cooking it in a microwave", and we're
  not entirely convinced that people can tell the
  difference in how beans taste in whether
  they're heated in a microwave or cooker. We
  demand a double-blind test - that means both
  the sampler AND the person giving the beans out
  neither knows how the beans have been cooked.
  Let's settle this.

  * GOATSE TAX DISK HOLDER - BourbonBiscuits
  requests, "suggest someone makes a
  print-your-own goatse car tax-disc holder.
  Perhaps mention the possibility it could be a
  stylised/cartoon type drawing, and not the
  actual photo."

  * TOILET CHARTS FOR ADULTS - why should kids
  get all the praise? Swap gold stars for booze,
  sexual favours or meat.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by  Last Night
  Something Something Something Something,
  agentoffortune, reynish, commanderbyrne, Avast,
  more balanced than jeremy beadle, gronkpan,
  moogy boobles, Junior special, louzylame,
  robtinsley, I put the cunt in Scunthorpe.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via printmeister.  

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  TOP TIP: If listening to an audiobook and
  things stop making sense then turn the
  shuffle off.

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  SICKIPEDIA: Can't wait for The Sun's Page 3
  spread showing what Madeleine McCann looks like
  at eighteen.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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