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NEWSLETTER: "WAS JACKO MURDERED? AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY DIDNT WE THINK OF IT FIRST?"

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This Week:
* VIDEO - Lots of knob gifs. Woo-hoo.
* QUIZ - Can YOU match the tagline to the film?
* CHALLENGE - Yes, thank you B3ta, more kittens

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "If the web is a cow    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   then B3ta is the 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    Filet mignon. Moo"

B3ta email 388 - 24 July 2009

Missing the audiotape? Ask your newsagent!
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue388/

       Sub:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Anti-sub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  The Viral Factory write...
  
  "Our latest offering for Samsung got roundly
  booed by the internet when we released it so
  we've re-cut it and are hoping for the best.
  It's a not un-b3ta-esque gag, in that it's
  plain daft, but we got stick because it's 'not
  real'. Hopefully you lot will see things a bit
  differently..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj1LOZXRt0Y


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on....
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than mould in tea cups

  >> Lots of cock gifs <<
  "My computer with photoshop has just died
  completely," writes 2 Can Chunder. "I'm starting
  a new job in August so I've put all my
  animations into one video and am now gonna take
  a break from B3TA for a few weeks." This, THIS
  is the spirit of B3ta. You will laugh.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_animations:2


  >> Tedious swine flu gag <<
  Tedious aka Tom Scott writes, "It's a cheap
  joke, but nevertheless I present fluBay - for
  all your antiviral needs. Since the National
  Flu Pandemic Service has crashed on day one, I
  figured this might be a good alternative." 
http://www.flubay.co.uk


  >> Bear-faced cheek <<
  CCC returns to his favourite sport - baiting
  the local paper's small ads with general
  weirdness. This time he's selling "bits of
  a bear"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bear_faced_cheek


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Taglinr

  Can you match the tagline to the film? Your
  Ginger Fuhrer and Question of the Week bloke,
  Chthonicionic have made a quiz. 
http://www.e4.com/game/taglinr/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Banks

  Last week we lazily turned a ranty email from
  Rob into a instant question about banks.
  Judging by the amount of steam let off in
  reply, we've prevented 14 heart attacks and
  saved the NHS thousands:
http://b3ta.com/questions/banks/

  * CASHED - "I worked for a vehicle rental
  company in a neglected area that meant the
  owners were fanatical about security and not
  leaving cash about. My manager was away, but
  she'd given me a list of explicit instructions
  for making the bank deposit that afternoon. I'd
  almost forgotten, but I managed to lock up,
  grab the cash and deposit bag and race to the
  bank just in time. I went in, filled out the
  deposit slip per the instructions on Florence's
  note, and handed everything to a teller. She
  seemed a little shaken up, I assumed because of
  the large amount of cash involved. Anyway, she
  handed me my bag back, and I noticed right away
  that it seemed rather full, but not having any
  idea what to expect I shrugged it off. I did
  have to ask the teller for my note back: I
  needed the office safe combination that was on
  it. I left in a hurry - I was going camping for
  the weekend with my girl - so I hopped in the
  work car, zipped around the block, down the
  alley, parked up and put the bag in the safe.
  That done, I headed off into the wilds of Idaho
  for a 4-day weekend. When I got back, Florence
  was really pissed off! Apparently I had handed
  the note to the teller along with the deposit
  slip. The note said, among other things: PUT
  ALL THE CASH IN THE DEPOSIT BAG! And: THIS IS
  SERIOUS, DON'T MESS AROUND! As these
  instructions were the only ones in all caps
  (with CASH & SERIOUS underlined), the teller
  had assumed I was robbing the bank. Some
  $75,000, plus our original deposit, had spent
  the weekend in our company safe. I had to give
  a statement to the FBI..." (danalan)
     
  * LASHED - "I travel with work and have to
  submit my bank statements with my expense
  claims (to show the exchange rate I got). My
  friends know this, and so have taken to leaving
  little notes on my account for the finance team
  who review my claims, by depositing (very
  small) amounts into my account with
  inappropriate and offensive payment references.
  Highlights so far include 20p paid in by one
  friend, ostensibly for a "Colossal Dildo", 10p
  for "Bum Fun", and a £1 total deposit split
  over 10 instalments, which explained in detail
  that the £1 was a loyalty discount from a local
  S&M establishment - I believe he referred to it
  as a "frequent flayer discount" (TheMagicDwarf)
     
  * MASHED - "If you get a job as a cashier in a
  bank don't, on your first day serving
  customers, wonder what the button under the
  counter just by your knees does. Or if you do,
  try and remember what it was your manager told
  you about it. Don't press it. And don't, when
  you discover it doesn't seem to do anything,
  press it again, and again, and again. An armed
  response team WILL be called, and you WILL get
  sacked." (mrgibbles)

  
  >> This Week's Question <<
  The Dark... Tell us your stories of noises and
  bumps in the night, power cuts, blindfolds and
  cinema fumbling:
http://b3ta.com/questions/darkness/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like made by people we hate

  >> Nerdy knitting <<
  An excellent use of the long winter evenings -
  huge showcase of knitted science fiction and
  comic characters plus a preposterous amount of
  cuddly zombies.
http://electricbiscuitonline.blogspot.com/search/label/knitting

  
  >> Kemp Folds <<
  High-concept blog featuring the face of TV's
  Ross Kemp folded multiple ways for your
  appreciation.
http://kempfolds.blogspot.com/


  >> Jackson at 40 fail <<
  A 1995 Ebony Magazine article predicts what the
  late King of Pop would look like in the year
  2000. They could not be more wrong.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/soundman/3727433441/


  >> The World Without Us <<
  I can't imagine a world without me, sang
  Echobelly. But this guy has imagined a world
  not only without 90s indie kids but also the
  rest of humanity. Here's a cheery timeline,
  beginning our sudden mass extinction.
http://www.worldwithoutus.com/did_you_know.html


  >> Porn Fail <<
  Fun for all the family to enjoy when porno
  shoots go wrong. Not safe for work - it doesn't
  fail as porn by quite that much.
http://www.pornfail.com


  >> Revenge crabs <<
  Are you involved the acrimonious death of a
  relationship right now? More importantly, are
  you some sort of hate-filled misanthropist? If
  so, you may want to deal with these guys and
  give your ex an STD. Just bear in mind that the
  best bit of splitting up is the make-up sex.
http://www.revengecrabs.com/


  >> Drunk yoga <<
  People practice yoga to enter into a state of
  ultimate relaxation. Why bother, when simple,
  wholesome booze has identical results - as
  illustrated here?
http://eatliver.com/i.php?n=4573


  >> 'Ultimate' pizza <<
  Disgusting piles of ham, cheese and pineapple
  on a monstrosity that's a pizza in name only.
  The mayonnaise is what really turned our
  stomachs though.
http://www.eatliver.com/i.php?n=4520


  >> George & Lynn explained <<
  Tabloid comic strips seem to be beamed from an
  odd parallel universe. Blogger tries to crack
  the code in the Sun's favourite scantily-clad,
  wise-cracking 70s couple George & Lynn.
http://snurl.com/davestuckthisin


  >> Twitterclock <<
  Thanks to some rather pretty tech trickery, now
  you don't have to stop reading tweets even to
  check whether it's day or night. Just whether
  you need to change your man-nappy.
http://www.timetweets.com/


  >> Amazon is selling salvia <<
  Not saliva - salvia, the MINDBENDING
  PSYCHOACTIVE DRUG. Can this be legal or is it
  some sort of web-based honeytrap? Will we be
  thrown in jail for putting a little affiliate
  linky widget on it? Only one way to find out...
http://tinyurl.com/md4tyw


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Because 320 pixels is all the width you need

  >> Never Gonna Give Your Teen Spirit Up <<
  Evergreen Astley hit mashed up with the Nirvana
  classic, to surprisingly good results.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rick_Astely_Nirvana_mashup


  >> Beyonce dances to the Birdy Song <<
  This is what the Independent Woman gets up to
  on her hols in Torremolinos.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Beyonce_Dances_to_the_Birdy_Song


 >> Tortoise sex face <<
  We were all ready with the whimsical quips for
  this clip, but such a prolonged close-up of the
  squealing mouth of an orgasming tortoise begs
  the question: is the cameraman having a wank?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tortoise_sex_face


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Dr Peter File

  Luckily he is not a paediatrician.
http://snurl.com/iamnotanonceipromise


-------------------------------------------------

: LOOK A LIKES 
  Garth Brooks VS Bruno
  
  Funky2009 writes, "Doesn't Garth Brook's failed
  alter-ego Chris Gaines from ten years ago look
  uncannily like Sacha Baron-Cohen's Bruno?
  Google image 'Chris Gaines' and see for
  yourself."
http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=Chris%20Gaines

 BTW: If you've got more look-a-likes then please
 tell us.

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Movie Mashups Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to redesign classic
  film posters to fit another movie.
  
  Your favourites included:
 
  * BABE - given a classic 1920s Fritz Lang
  makeover (Bela Lugosi's Dad)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9584927

  * TITANIC - You thought it was safe to go back
  in the water. It wasn't (Mighty Nibus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9586487

  * SNOW WHITE - Seven dwarves, and a grisly
  head in a box (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9586200

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moviemashups/


  >> New challenge: Kitten Sports <<
  It's time for an old-style b3ta challenge, one
  summed up perfectly in just two words: Kitten
  Sports. Challenge suggested by SkUG.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kittensports//


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WHO WON'T MARRY ME? "Hey guys," greets
  Nostrebor. "I got a mystery letter in the post.
  I'd like to know who won't marry me and why? I
  really am lovely." Anybody recognise the
  hand-writing and able to solve this romantic
  conundrum?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/344225


  * DO FANS COOL THINGS DOWN? - Ben Skerry weighs
  into the debate; "I'm not sure Wallilay is
  right when he says that fans only cool by
  aiding evaporation from the skin.
  
  "His example of a server serves (ha!) as a good
  illustration of why. If there is no movement of
  air, the server will get hotter, as the
  transfer of heat to the surroundings will be
  impaired by the warmth of the air in its
  immediate vicinity. 
  
  "Put simply, a fan will make sure that the warm
  air surrounding the hot item is replaced with
  cool air, increasing the transfer of heat from
  the server to the air, cooling the server down."
  
  
  * COMIC SANS THE WEB - "Yo yo," goes
  funpackedshow. "You asked for a way to view the
  internet all in comic-sans. I've sort of done
  that (not very well) in the form of a
  comic-sans-ifer bookmarklet." Hurrah! A
  grateful world salutes you! 
http://noveltybeard.co.cc/comicsans/
  
  
  * KITTENWAR IN MOVIES - Thanks to emvee for the
  heads-up that a Transformers 2 viral site is
  purporting to sell the Kittenwar calendar
  "though it says it's sold out." Messrs Lewry
  and Ryan will no doubt be in touch with them to
  secure more outlets for their quality,
  kitten-based wares. 
http://www.realeffingkittencalendars.com/


  * HITLER - milov takes issue with a
  Fuhrer-centred gag from last issue. "Mussolini,
  not Hitler, was the Fascist dictator credited
  with getting the trains to run on time. In
  fact, the trains to the concentration (and
  work) camps were hit with frequent and
  prolonged delays." Hurrah!


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE


  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CHEESEALADE - 'Eating tapas I had an
  epiphany. A new toasty spreadable. Cheesalade.
  Manchego cheese & Quince mixed in a jar. "It's
  Spain, in a jar"' (@robmanuel)

  * STALKR - "Some kind of Twitter search that
  links celebrities to the locations of people
  tweeting about them for more efficient
  stalking." (@Noit)

  * PLATES VS PAPER - "Is it more cost effective
  to use real plates or to paper ones? Factors
  such as: time, washing up liquid, tea towels,
  breakage." (@greenycrimson)

  BTW: The offical B3ta wife, Lucy, wants to know
  if any B3tards can eat more than 7 Ferrero
  Rocher in 1 minute. She thinks you can, but
  that's the world record apparently.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Guy Incognito, Choc
  Ice, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!, mrmonkfish,
  mranalog2000, Kirsty, The Coast Of Yemen, Posh
  Girl, Lord Turkey Boy & witless999. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via Ad7.
  
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  Ronseal Wood Preserver - does exactly what it
  says on the tin.
  
  No it doesn't. I've now got a flaccid cock that
  looks like a twig.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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