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NEWSLETTER: "THE BEST THING AL QAEDA EVER DID WAS RUIN MOBY'S BIRTHDAY"

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This Week:
* MUSIC - Mushrooms rock out!
* POOP - From bears!
* COCKS - In unsettling detail!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 395 - 11 Sep 2009

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue395/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  16GB USB Flash Drive  - £17.99

  Sometimes we don't flog the sponsored link and
  fill space with something we've bought off
  Amazon recently. This is such a week, and we've
  got our 4 year-old son his own first USB
  thumb-drive. He calls it "Mr Sticky" and we use
  it for storing kids' films on as it's a lot
  easier for little fingers to use than DVDs. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001CHWE9U/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Soulsucking, Shrooms, Cocks and Indy

  >> The inTubator <<
  "The inTubator," intones Tom Scott, "It
  randomly selects unknown, unedited, personal
  videos from YouTube: the ones that have no
  description and no context. It's either a
  celebration of the power of the internet or an
  abyss which will suck in souls." The future is
  a video of a Polish amateur athletics team
  practising... forever.
http://www.tomscott.com/intubator/


 >> Pixel Shrooms <<
 "By popular request from many, many people we've
 made a full length tune of the shroom song from
 the 2nd episode of 8-Bit Pwny Club," rejoices
 guitar-wielding fungoid Jonti Picking. Rock!!
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Shrooms/


  >> Cock a Day project <<
  "My work friend loves cocks," slurs Uncle
  Wilco. "I bet he couldn't draw new a  cock
  every day. But look - we're up to Day 30
  already!" The interesting wrinkle, if you will,
  is the quite unspeakable amount of detail in
  these doodles. Yeesh.
http://www.cockaday.co.uk


  >> Raiders of the Lost Ark remix <<
  Loego shows us why George Lucas junked Indy's
  talking golden idol sidekick.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Indiana_Jones


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Call Centres

  We asked for your tales of call centre hell:
http://b3ta.com/questions/callcentres/

  * ROYAL MAIL - "I worked for their complaints
  department. One grumpy old man called up to
  complain about an over-flowing post-box he was
  standing next to on St. Albans high street. He
  ranted for three minutes, getting increasingly
  nasty. So... hungry for lunch, I told the man
  about 'our procedure for these situations': I
  would alert the delivery office and get a van
  dispatched to collect the mail within the next
  20 minutes. I then kindly asked for his
  assistance in ensuring that the mail remained
  safe by reaching inside the box and removing as
  much mail as he could, then placing it out of
  sight - such as in a coat pocket or in a bag,
  and waiting for the delivery van to come and
  collect it. I then picked up the phone and did
  my civic duty by alerting the police to a
  suspicious-looking man lurking around the
  high-street, removing mail from a postbox. Then
  I went to lunch." (Greedo)

  * FIRE - "My auntie used to answer 999 calls
  Auntie: Which service do you require?
  Small boy: Fire engine.
  Auntie: Is there a fire?
  Small boy: No.
  Auntie: Why do you want the fire engine?
  Small boy: I want to see the big red truck!
  Auntie: Is your mummy there?
  Small boy: Yes.
  Auntie: Can I speak to her please?
  
  (Auntie explains to small boy's mum that he's
  been calling 999. She hears a *thwack* down
  the phone as the boy cops it from his mum)
  
  Five minutes later...
  
  Auntie: Which service do you require?
  Small boy: Fire engine.
  Auntie: Is there a fire?
  Small boy: No, I want to see the big red truck.
  Auntie: Is your mummy there?
  Small boy: Yes.
  Auntie: Can I speak to her please?
  Small boy: No.
  Auntie: Why not?
  Small boy: Cos if you do, she'll hit me again."
  (moogal)
     
  * TALK TO DOM - "When I started up my business
  from home, my colleague and I played a game:
  when call centres asked who to speak with, we'd
  tell them that they needed to Dom Fellini - my
  cat Domino (who sat curled on a chair with
  'Operations Director' pinned to it). We would
  award points for a) subsequent phone calls for
  Dom b) letters addressed to Dom and c) callers
  insisting they'd spoken with Dom previously."
  (Redbull_UK)

  Finally, 'mon bison' suggest that, "if they ask
  if you're the homeowner say no - they’re a bit
  tied up. Literally. Explain you’re a burglar and
  ask if they could please hang up so you can nick
  the phone."


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your tales of over-protective
  Helicopter Parents. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/helicopterparents/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Over-sharers <<
  Why do some people seemingly fail to realise
  that their web-based musings are actually being
  read by others? Not that we're complaining...
http://www.oversharers.com/
  
  
  >> In praise of Sci-Fi corridors <<
  Corridors are fascinating things. Think about
  it - every sci-fi film you've ever seen has
  some sort of action-packed chase through
  corridors. They are the future!
http://bit.ly/3l1gU


  >> Food Flags <<
  Arty project makes national flags out of
  nations' commonly-eaten foodstuffs. No UK
  there, but it's hard to get red, white and blue
  turkey twizzlers.
http://snipurl.com/foodflags


  >> Terrible Porn <<
  If you're going to make your own porn and make
  it available on the internet then you'd better
  have thick skin. These people have thick skin,
  flabby thighs, oddly-shaped genitalia and
  exhibitionist tendencies. NSFW yay!
http://waytosuckthatdick.wordpress.com/


  >> Bad Hair Day <<
  A welcome return to mugshotdujour; check out
  the awesome tonsorial stylings of America's
  petty criminal community. Cheap lols.
http://mugshotdujour.com/category/bad-hair-day


  >> Rickrolling <<
  We thought we'd been Rickrolled many, many
  times. But looking at definition 23 on Urban
  Dictionary... well, we can safely sit here and
  say we haven't EVER been Rickrolled like THAT.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rickroll&page=4


  >> Average cats <<
  Unholy crossbreed of LOL cats and My Life is
  Average tries to spoil everybody's fun.
http://averagecats.com/


  >> Image-recognition sequencing <<
  Geeky vision of the future of music sequencing.
  Computer can recognise the shapes you put in
  front of it and formulate tuneage accordingly.
http://www.d-touch.org/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  It's like Jeremy Beadle never happened

  >> Bear shits in the pool <<
  It's sort of like watching a furry space
  shuttle take off. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jD_VXBuQ_5I


  >> Matchbox Transformers II <<
  Tiny, evil robots in disguise lurk around your
  house. This time with some new tricks.
http://bit.ly/J1pJb


  >> Cats hate water <<
  ...Except for this cute little fellow, who
  enjoys drinking straight from the tap.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KswnjMa-MQ&feature=related


  >> Terrible work conditions at the BBC <<
  Newsreader Jonathan Charles's shock
  announcement sends nation reeling:
http://snipurl.com/ohauntie


  >> Computer music - 1985 <<
  Lovely bit of telly footage as nerdy types
  enthuse over the latest developments in digital
  music. Is it archived from 1985 or is it from
  Shoreditch ...this very afternoon?
http://bit.ly/10rZ1i 


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Yep, you keep sending this shit in

  * PROSTITUTE PENIS THIRST - nick.shipway
  writes, "I think the words have found a new
  meaning since the company was formed in 1861..."
http://hookercockram.com/

  * RAPESCO - featuring this stationery company
  not only for the rapey company name but the
  photo of an attractive woman reclining with a
  stapler makes us feel funny in our tummies.
  Also the firm-breasted lady in the tight shirt
  doing her admin whist a bloke creeps up behind
  and it's captioned "punching". It's all too
  much for us really.
http://www.rapesco.com/

  * MASTURBATION - every so often we get emails
  from people claiming to have been at school
  with a Wayne Kerr, but Pigpen presents a new
  variation:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8233784.stm
 
 
 ------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Disney Marvel Challenge

  Last week Disney and Marvel joined forces. We
  wanted to know what this evil alliance might
  produce.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * MASH - Donald, Mickey and the others will
  benefit from stunning new powers (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9674665

  * POOH - the little bear doesn't hold out much
  hope for the new recruits (Tahkcalb)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9674226

  * WOLVERINE - returns in a canine cartoon caper
  (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9673616

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/marveldisney/


  >> New challenge: Video Game Celebrities <<
  Seeing as The Beatles are now in that there
  video game, what other celebrities would
  benefit from the console treatment? This week's
  challenge is to add your favourite star to a
  current game, or create an entirely new game
  for them.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/videogamecelebrities/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * THE LADY IS NOT FOR TURING - last week we
  linked to a petition to request for gay
  computer forefather Alan Turing to receive an
  official apology from the government. Joel
  Veitch writes, "the petition actually worked!
  Who'd have thought it eh? Gordon Brown's
  apology was just on Newsnight." BTW: Seeing as
  Gordon Brown is making personal apologies for
  stuff that happened in 1954 that he had nothing
  to do with, isn't it time he apologised for the
  birth of Oprah Winfrey?

  * MEATINI IN 'THIS IS WHY YOU ARE FAT' - also
  Veitch's attempt at making a full English
  breakfast into a cocktail glass has made it
  into the hallowed pages of everyone's favourite
  lardopedia. BTW: Interesting to note they're
  venturing into publishing a book - their next
  step should be a restaurant.

  * FROM SCRIBBLES TO DRIBBLES - last week we
  requested our members to keep drawing whilst
  they keep drinking. HappyToast had a go and
  proved that either he didn't get that drunk OR
  that he's so skilful that booze has no effect
  on his fingers.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9679097

   Also cake_baker writes, "In response to your
   boozy drawings quest, I remembered I had seen
   this:"
http://www.headinjurytheater.com/artsmashtequila.htm

  * RAIL-CHEATS WIKI - carsmilesteve mentions,
  "That tube stations without barriers thing is
  peasy, Finsbury Park and Mill Hill East are the
  only two left. National Rail/Overground is a
  different matter..."

  * BEN WHEATLEY IS PROPER FILM MAKER SHOCK - his
  film Down Terrace was nominated for best
  British Feature at Raindance festival. Ben sent
  us an excited message about this and when we
  replied that he's the next Shane Meadows, nay
  James Cameron, he didn't reply. So we don't
  know if we upset him there, sorry Ben.
http://www.raindance.co.uk/site/raindance-film-festival-awards-2009


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WAXY POO CANDLE - ohyesplease asks, "if you
  ate enough wax could you poo a candle?"

  * VIRUS CHALLENGE - we've just watched this
  youtube video of a bloke with over 10,000
  viruses on one PC. Can you beat him?
  Competitive virus-catching for the geek
  Olympics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6uawOfqQuk

  * HIDDEN SWEARS - a definitive list of every
  disguised cuss from sCUNThorpe to wrisTWATch
  via cuCUMber.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @codepo8, @piersb:
  RT @paulmcclean, russellcraig, stevenw, Duke
  Flipside, Onyx, coobeastie, Enzyme, @maxtaylor,
   DeliriumSpong and carly291287. Subjlols via
  new_matt. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Lardons to b4ta. (odegra)
  
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  Anyone else wonder why people in wheelchairs
  still wear shoes?
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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