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NEWSLETTER: "INTERNET DATING: THE ODDS ARE GOOD BUT THE GOODS ARE ODD."

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This Week:
* CYRIAK - on Alan Titchmarsh
* TOP TIP - Does semen show under UV light?
* NEW SECTION - "Shit internet Dragons' Den"

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 397 - 25 Sept 2009

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue397/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Cigarettes are bad, mmmkay?

  "Hard hitting new campaign filmed by renowned
  directors Rankin and Chris for NHS Birmingham
  East and North."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56L6pdeRpq0


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Lots of stuff, too much even
 
  >> Peace Day dove <<
  "I recently attended Peace Day celebrations in
  Kabul, Afghanistan," explains Miss R U Owen.
  "There was lots of family-friendly fun and
  flag-waving. Unfortunately at the big climax -
  the launch of the peace doves - the excitement
  proved too much for one of the little birdies
  and it popped its clogs." Providing a
  surprisingly apt metaphor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nrnlm0DG9hM
  

  >> B3ta interviews Cyanide & Happiness <<
  Ginger Fuhrer Rob and the b3tard posse tracked
  down and interviewed Dave McElfatrick of hit
  web comic Cyanide & Happiness. Check out the
  ungodly results here:
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/cyanideandhappiness/


  >> Poo in your pants <<
  "Mutated Monty is the fun version of Chris
  Cunningham, isn't he?" suggests Monkeon. And
  indeed he is. Here's his latest effort,
  starring Alan Titchmarsh.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/poo_pants:2


  >> Framerater - IMDb Top 250 tracker <<
  Sheer brilliance from PointlessCamel - Sign up
  and tick off any films that you've seen from
  IMDb's Top 250. It'll rate and recommend the
  rest for you, settling your question of what to
  watch this evening for the next five years.
http://www.framerater.co.uk/


  >> Rathergood VS nuts <<
  "Hi mate in case it's in time for your
  newslettery consideration", writes Joel, "I've
  just whacked up a new thing - an educational
  funk number about how things you think are nuts
  are actually not nuts." 
http://www.rathergood.com/nuts


  >> Make Hypocrisy History <<
  "Charities are shit and waste your money,"
  opines Tavi. "So why not give it to me - and
  I'll waste it. What do you care?"
http://makehypocrisyhistory.org/


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: SHIT INTERNET DRAGONS DEN
  Red-hot new feature that will make us rich
  
  >> Pre-soiled underwear <<
  Yeah yeah, we're aware it's big in Japan but
  flipping heck. These guys "makes pre-stained
  clothing that free people from the
  embarrassment of having soiled clothing by
  selling clothes that come already soiled".
  Mostly pre-skidmarked pants.
http://easytigercorp.co.uk/


  Do you have a crappy-sounding idea to make
  millions from the internet? Please send it in
  so we can simultaneously mock you and yet feed
  you the oxygen of publicity. For we are
  dragons, guarding our clicky gold.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Childish Things

  Last week we asked for the most childish thing
  you've done as adult. As always you didn't
  disappoint us and filled the interweb with
  tales of bottoms, poo and a brown dressing gown:
http://b3ta.com/questions/childishthings/

  * PARP - "The Mrs and I were having some sexy-time
  in the bath together. She was on top and we were
  kissing when I gleefully let out a massive fart
  that bubbled up... but it didn't break the surface
  straight away. It rolled up her belly, tickling
  all the way between her boobs and broke the
  surface right under her chin. Best. Fart. Ever.
  But bathtime was over..." (TheFinch)
     
  * POOP - "At the age of 25 I took the conscious
  decision to poop my pants. Not immediately upon
  my 25th birthday, that would be wrong. I just
  happened to be 25. I had needed the toilet for
  about an hour but was stuck on the window sill
  with my fingers trapped in a sash window, the
  result of a failed break-in to my house after
  forgetting my keys. My cries for help went
  unheeded and I shat myself." (nightbuffalo)
     
  * WARP - "Walking up to automatic doors and
  waving my hand in front of me Jedi-like just
  before they open never fails to amuse. Myself,
  mostly." (Davros' Granddad)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Tales of the IT helpdesk. Try turning it off
  and on again, and, if that doesn't work, tell
  us all about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/helpdesk/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> The 'Special' Last Supper <<
  Here's a lovely recreation of Leonardo Da
  Vinci's Last Supper but the apostles and Jesus
  have Down's Syndrome. Is it a piss-take or a
  serious point - who cares? Well worth your
  prurient clicking.
http://www.jamesmaybe.com/blog/2009/09/one-chromosome-too-many/


  >> Schizophrenia comic <<
  Insightful and sensitive comic strip explaining
  what it's like to be mental. Good read.
http://tallguywrites.livejournal.com/133179.html


  >> HTML tags ABC <<
  One sentence, contained within every single
  HTML tag in alphabetical order A-Z. View Source
  for details.
http://evan-roth.com/all-tags.html


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Little tigers

  Apparently the result of a 30-year selective
  breeding programme, check out these amazing
  cats with the markings of tigers. Actually,
  perhaps it would have been simpler to
  selectively breed tigers to become tiny like
  cats. Somebody try this please. Also, we would
  like some mini-dolphins to frolic in our
  goldfish bowl. 
http://www.toygers.org/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Now sponsored by RealPlayer 

  >> Carl Sagan & Stephen Hawking sing! <<
  Arguably the best-ever use of Autotune, a
  delightful song about the wonders of universe.
  Hooray!
http://snurl.com/geekylove


  >> Baby dancing to Beyonce <<
  Very much doing the rounds at the moment.
  Content as title. Perhaps the best thing ever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baby_dancing_to_Beyonce


  >> School children Changes <<
  The little kids of Lewes New School tackle
  David Bowie's early-70s hit. Brilliant stuff -
  very cute! Also not shit, which is a definite
  plus.
http://bit.ly/1HQVFj


  >> Advanced DOS strategies <<
  Friendly 1980s couple explain how to harness
  the power of your brand new Disk Operating
  System. Oh for those good old days - were we
  really so easy to please?
http://snurl.com/dosisace


  >> Wrong hole <<
  Singy song and swish video about a common
  mishap during doggy-style sex. Pretty definite
  that this is NSFW.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wrong_hole


  >> Txt Island <<
  Clever short animation made using only letters
  and numbers on a pegboard.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Txt_Island


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE

  Results from the Inappropriate Product
  Placement Challenge

  After it was ruled that commercial channels
  in the UK could use product placement, we 
  wanted examples of just how bad this could
  get. Your favourites included:
 
  * WHAT'S IN THE EGG, DERREN? - Britain's
    favourite mentalist predicts something far
    harder than the lottery (enceladus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9700686

  * SPECSAVERS, TATOOTINE - there was no Jedi
    mind trick after all (mediocre)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9697777

  * IN SPACE, NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU CREME - the
    real reason John Hurt couldn't eat his
    dinner (DaveBr)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9698361

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/productplacement/


  >> New challenge: Modernise the Bible <<

  The Bible is out of touch with today's youth.
  Bring it up to date so we can answer moral
  dilemmas such as "Is it OK to murder someone
  in a video game?" and "Would you steal a movie?"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/modernbible/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * THE DANGERS OF DOING B3TA PROJECTS -
  "Remember me?", writes [name removed], "You
  featured my "Masturbation database" back in the
  day (issue 98). Thanks for that but you used my
  full name and now if you Google me one of the
  top searches is '[name removed] loves wanking'
  Very funny, I agree but I've just graduated uni
  and am applying to jobs and am a little worried
  about potential employers seeing. I know you
  probably don't edit previous news letters but
  would you make an exception? Pretty please!"
  Hehe, we've changed the name but we have to
  share this with our readers as it's too funny.

  * B3TA EXPURGATED EDITION - "Just read last
  weeks newsletter in China while traveling for
  work.  You'll be proud to know only one link
  worked, the rest were banned by their internet
  filters.

  * MORE HIDDEN SWEARS - Olembe writes, "Geekier
  Mac version! If you're running Linux on your
  computer, or if you have a Mac, you'll have a
  single big file on there somewhere called
  'words', which has a whole dictionary in it,
  one word per line. And you'll be able to search
  this file in an instant with the 'grep'
  command. On a Mac, open the Terminal app (which
  lives in the Applications>Utilities folder) and
  type these magic words:

  grep --color=auto cunt /usr/share/dict/words

  "The result? 'plaCUNTitis' and 'plaCUNToma' -
  two medical conditions you probably don't want.
    Of course, you can replace the swear word for
  any other when you've had enough of the cunty
  lols"


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CAN YOU KILL SOMEONE WITH 2P - when we
  travelled up the Eiffel Tower as a child our
  dad claimed that we shouldn't drop any coins as
  it would kill anyone in its path. Can someone
  test this? 

  * LADIES USE IMMAC AND MEN USE RAZORS - why not
  try immacing your beard? Go on. BTW: Wikipeda
  tells us that this product is now called Veet.
  Wonder if they had branding problems with
  people confusing Immac with iMac?

  * FILTER AND DRINK YOUR OWN WEE - would a piss
  filled Brita Filter do the trick?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel
  with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The
  Resident Loon, optocouic, Gia Milinovich,
  @danoliver, aMac, Mr Yellow, mozza, Mrs.Sp@m,
  matthew coy, the_log_knows and @Ants124.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via amck.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Banknote fun
 
  Step One: Using your preferred method, collect
  some human spunk.

  Step Two: Using a small paint-brush, write the
  message of your choice, or a simple design on a
  banknote.

  Step Three: After waiting for the 'invisible
  ink' to dry, put the note back into
  circulation.

  Step Four: Some poor bugger presents the note
  somewhere where a UV light is used and the
  message is revealed.

  This method could also be used by the more
  mischievous of you to adorn your friends'
  clothes before heading for a nightclub that
  uses UV light.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post521263

  BTW: If someone wants to test that spunk glows
  under UV then please be our guest.

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  An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk
  into a pub. We didn't invite the Welshman
  because he's a cunt. (viperuk)
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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