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NEWSLETTER: "I'VE FINISHED ALL THE CHOCOLATES IN MY ADVENT CALENDAR; WHY THE FUCK ISN'T IT CHRISTMAS?"

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This Week:
* WORLDFACE - Like Facebook but with countries
* KUNT - He's back with 'wank fantasy'
* CHERYL COLE - Our new twitter friend

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "We're saving the 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |        rainforests... 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        for match wood."

B3ta email 407 - 4 Dec 2009

Read this with The Mission's Wayne Hussey:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue407/

        Friend:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Unfriend:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Frankie Boyle - My Shit Life So Far

  Probably the best-named autobiography ever.
  Buy it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0007324499/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Disaster, Politics, Wanking and Sex

  >> Worldface <<
  "There have been social networking satires
  before," brags Mike Fishcake. "But this one
  isn't shit!" Phil Fishcake has made a comedy
  Facebook for countries. Even better, it's
  interactive and you can suggest your own
  statuses but "shit ones will be kicked in the
  face," warns a stern Mike.
http://www.worldface.co.uk/


  >> Wank fantasy <<
  "There's a new vid just this second gone up on
  youTube for our song 'wank fantasy'," explains
  Kunt. "It features a real page 3 glamour lady
  in it and everything." Not safe for work. BTW:
  Kunt has asked us not to mention the awesome
  secret gig he is doing this weekend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1-FfRFFGW0


  >> Hollywood vs New York <<
  Fire, floods and gigantic space-lizards - not
  David Icke's brain, but Goodiebag Kirby with a
  musical montage of Hollywood's long love affair
  with New York. Exciting stuff!
http://www.goodiebag.tv/2009/11/hollywood-vs-new-york/


  >> I Make the Girls <<
  "I was recently approached by a rapper wanting
  a video for his new 'sensual' track," explains
  Jamwire. "I responded with this
  delicately-constructed pastiche charting the
  virile young wordsmith's love encounters. The
  jury's still out." There's something that just
  sings out to us about this level of contempt
  for the client! NSFW due to cut-out sexual
  antics.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mr_Drastick_I_Make_the_Girls


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: SICKIPEDIA COMEDY NIGHT 2.0 

  The night that should NEVER happen is back…

  This Wednesday is the second Sickipedia Comedy
  Night, at the Old Blue Last in sunny
  Shoreditch. Stuff will be kicking off about
  8pm. and if it's anything like the last one,
  it'll be packed out with excited people and Rob
  will be sweating bullets in case one of the
  comics up there gets us all beaten up and
  thrown out. Awesome.

  The line-up features returning favourites
  tricyclic_looper and mushybees along with Joel
  Veitch, Jewish Nazi, David Stevenson and new
  faces Dan Pearce, Boyce Bailey, Michael J, Nick
  James, Richard Tingley, Robert Auton, Jay Rolfe
  and Jeremy Gomez. We literally have no clue
  what almost any of these people will do, which
  is how we like it. 
http://snurl.com/sickipedia20


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Cliff Richard posters! Yays! <<
  1. Choose  a 'celebrity' - we like Cliff.
  2. Write abusive message which transposes
  itself in style of celebrity's handwriting.
  3. Right-click and save
  4. Send picture of Cliff Richard calling them a
  fat knacker to friend.
  5. Joy.
  BTW: This censors works like homo and gay, but
  not twat.
http://www.universalposter.com/


  >> The joy of work <<
  A blog about the fun of having a completely
  insane boss. Good if you're in any mood to do
  long read-y things.
http://goodaftermornings.blogspot.com/


  >> Temporary ski-jumps <<
  Back in olden times there was a craze for
  building temporary ski-jumps in sporting
  stadiums. They look pretty mental and should be
  revived.
http://snurl.com/fuckinghell


  >> Best Woolly Hat Ever << 
  Does she look like a pokemon or a rapist? Or
  both?
http://snurl.com/rapeywoo


  >> Cheryl Kerl on twitter <<
  Amusing spoof alert. Sample entry: "Joa's
  soundin mint t'dee. Danii and Seimon's lookin
  leik thor beuth stuffed an a coase Louis cannat
  give a murnkey's chuff."
http://twitter.com/CherylKerl


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like gifs with sound

  >> Hamster jazz <<
  Cute viral for some bottled water company -
  loving it for the simple, bold execution of the
  idea. Just get some hamsters and some tiny
  instruments, stick some jam on them and - with
  a bit of editing - you have a hamster band.
  Brilliant idea. Still, we bet the water smells
  like a hamster's cage. HA! Take that marketing
  people.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/D_Fluffeh


  >> Henry 8.0 <<
  Loving this sketch from the BBC / TV production
  company Monkey. We've been quoting it literally
  all week. "It's like crunchy air!" and "I want
  a roast!" Proof that Brian Blessed will improve
  any script by a factor of 100x. 
http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/extra/video/p005bqp0


  >> OK Go making of WTF video <<
  Internet video-hit band OK Go explain how they
  went about making their latest psychedelic
  production. Switches rapidly between a green
  room with some planks and full-on
  insane-o-vision (tm). Impatient viewers may
  want to skip the first minute or so.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNeItlrTdvY  


  >> Sex Offender Shuffle <<
  A loveable posse of sex offenders dance and rap
  about how nice they really are.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sex_Offender_Shuffle


  >> Font-based Lady Gaga parody <<
  Exceptionally geeky homage to the Neutra
  typeface inspired, obviously, by Lady Gaga's
  Pokerface. Hot, hot nerd action.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHCu28bfxSI


  >> I gotta feeling <<
  Bloke wakes up covered in sick and tries to
  piece together what happened at the party last
  night, all via the medium of song.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_gotta_feeling


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: THANKS FOR SHARING 
  Blind reader confesses his porn habits

  Anon writes - 
  
  "Hey, I figured I'd give you the lowdown on
  what us blind folk have in the way of porn.

  "Some of us like erotica like some (weird)
  sighted people; this is purely text based and
  can be found at sites like http://www.asstr.org
  The main advantage to this is that you can read
  it at a stupidly fast speed with your screen
  off / not connected and no one will be able to
  tell what you're doing; people have been known to
  read it in classes. The obvious disadvantage is
  that the voice that is depicting all this stuff
  to you is usually a very robotic-sounding male;
  I never understand how people can get off to this.

  "What most people seem to like is audio
  descriptions of sex scenes. There used to be a
  site for this that tried to sell blind people
  recordings of very unhot-sounding girls talking
  about how they like to play with themselves but
  thankfully it's no longer with us. An example of
  something vaguely like it is the stuff that
  pornfortheblind.org creates, for example this 2
  girls 1 cup description at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EclaJ4THvEs
  (Give it a bit of time to get going)

  "Again, the problem with this is that it's even
  more human-sounding males reading it, so you
  might as well be wanking over 2 guys shitting
  in a cup and eating it. The defunked
  soundsdirty.com wasn't that much better because
  all the girls had terrible voices; voice is
  very important to me along with most blind
  people.

  "What I like to do, which not that many blind
  people do for some reason, is to torrent a
  normal porn film and then strip the video out
  of it to save disk space. This way I get much
  hotter-sounding girls, more realistic and
  longer scenes plus the files are pretty small
  since they're mp3s - although it's pretty crucial
  that the actors are only girls.

  "So there you go, perhaps the next time you
  feel the urge you can try some of the ^ or at
  the very least try cleaning up with your eyes
  closed."


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Desktop Icon Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make art from your
  desktop.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PUNK - The Clash's classic Rock The Casbah
  gets the Windows treatment (collapsibletank)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9811275

  * 9/11 - Desktop terrorism as a carefully-aimed
  gif brings chaos to New York City (Seaman
  Gabber)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9810650

  * STEGOSAURUS - jurassic-tastic rendering of
  multi-coloured folder dinosaur (Mu)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9810285

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/desktop-art/


  >> New challenge: Jesus On Tour <<
  According to The News, Jesus may have visited
  Britain. What did he come to see? Show us what
  he got up to on our dingy island, or what he
  might be doing now if he were to suddenly turn
  up again. Challenge suggested by The Great
  Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jesusUK/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HIP-HOP ALBUM IN AN AFTERNOON - "Myself and
  two friends got ruined in a village in Camborne
  and recorded a Hip Hop LP in an afternoon,"
  confesses Sadeagle. "It was all made up on the
  spot and was recorded in a day." This is very
  odd - the sound of three lads slowly getting
  catastrophically stoned in Cornwall.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_will_probably_regret_this


  * "DEAR HOME SECRETARY" - Swiftly becoming a
  hip-hop Henry Root, here's Dan Bull with
  another musical missive. This time he's ragging
  on Alan Johnson, who is refusing to intervene
  in the case of autistic hacker Gary McKinnon.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lo_Been_writing_more_letters


  * AMAZON SPUNK - A while back we linked to a
  book called 'Overcoming Obstacles with Spunk'.
  Dave W writes to say, "It looks like several
  b3tans have been busy 'helping' Amazon by
  contributing suggestions for 'Tags Customers
  Associate with This Product'. At this moment in
  time the most popular tags are 'Monkey Custard'
  and 'Population Paste', although 'Man Fat' and
  'Bukkake' also make an appearance."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0981621023/b3ta-21


  * HEROIN CHICKS - "I am totally creeped out by
  the heroin chicks," writes Peter McKillon.
  "Some wanker goes up to a half-presentable bird
  with a heroin problem, and says, 'Here's some
  smack, love. Now get your kit off and shoot up
  for Mr Camera here.'  Then he goes home, locks
  himself in his room, loads up Photoshop, and
  draws neat little black squares over their
  crotches.  WTF?? What twisted sense of
  propriety is that?

  "Here's the other thing that gets me. I looked
  at all of them. Twice."

  ROB SAYS: "Thanks for reminding me - I'll have
  to look again now."


  * MORE LIFT BUTTONS - "Your bit in the last
  newsletter about whether pushing buttons would
  speed up lifts reminded me of a story which
  might be of interest," confides costas.

  "I read about a company whose office lifts were
  always attracting complaints. Workers kept
  moaning to the Maintenance department that the
  lifts were too slow, always took ages to
  arrive, and could anything be done to speed
  them up?

  "Then one day the same department started
  getting calls from people thanking them for
  speeding the lifts up. People were delighted
  that they now didn't have to wait as long for
  the lifts to arrive. This baffled the
  maintenance people, who'd done nothing. So they
  went to investigate.

  "They went to the lifts on the ground floor and
  soon realised what had happened. That day,
  they'd been installing some huge mirrors in the
  toilets, and had left a couple propped up
  against the wall by the lifts. People wanting a
  lift would push the button, notice the mirrors,
  then get so distracted as they preened
  themselves that before they knew it, the lift
  had arrived.

  "All sorts of psychological experiments back
  this up - People seem to lose track of time
  when gazing at their beautiful phizzogs."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GLITTER SHITTER - DrPoppers writes, "I've
  been thinking about Dr Gillian McKeith or as
  she should technically be called, Gillian
  McKeith. I want a b3tan to eat several sheets
  of cake-decorating gold leaf and photograph
  their own sparkly turds. It'd be great."

  * KY ALTERNATIVES? - Jeff Balls writes, "We at
  work were wondering what alternatives to
  standard KY jelly b3ta people have used as lube
  whilst having a quick Hilary Swank. Would WD 40
  work?"

  * CAFES TO ALWAYS SELL CHIPS - we just went to
  a crap cafe for a hangover cure and they didn't
  sell chips. There should be laws against this.
  Cafes = chips.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Links via by Lamsicle, tacpprm, Neil
  Stevenson, W00tmedia, The_Fiend, pissflaps,
  @goodiebag, planearm. Subjlols via F0RDI3.
  Sickipedia gag via the legendary
  tricyclic_looper. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke.
  
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  Remember – drinking alcohol can seriously harm
  your baby. Especially if you’re in Portugal and
  can't be arsed to pay for a babysitter.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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