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This Week:
* PRINTY - Royal Semi-Nude Calendar
* CELEBS - with shorter legs!
* REVIEWS - Crap apps!

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're taxing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... heavily"

B3ta email 414 - 05 FEB 2010

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue414/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Apple Magic Mouse 

   Seeing as we're shit at selling ads then let's
   link to the last product we bought on Amazon -
   the lovely Apple Magic Mouse. Yeah yeah, you
   might think all Apple products are for tossers
   but give this a go - the whole top area is
   touch-sensitive and works for scrolling. In
   practise, this works beautifully and means
   there's no scroll-wheel to get clogged up with
   horrid gunk. Pricey mind you, but we're so
   rich from ad-sales we don't care.
http://snurl.com/ua3zr


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Calendar, Sheep and Paul McKenna

  >> 2010 Royal Semi-Nude Calendar <<
  Your favourite aristocrats relaxing in all
  their horse-faced, big-eared glory as nature
  intended, thanks to some skilled Photoshop work
  from Grampa. Somebody really needs to put this
  into production - it'd be awesome up in the
  office.
http://snurl.com/hrhnudey


  >> The best of Sheep! <<
  A feast of camera trickery from b3ta stalwart
  Sheep! "Some of these should be familiar to
  long time b3ta fans - a compilation of my old
  and not so old GIF anims."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/GIF_Anim_Compilation


  >> Masturbation with Paul McKenna <<
  Chopshop and TV mind-rapi-- er, hypnotist
  McKenna help you deal with difficult cravings.
  Bonus points if you can knock one out while
  watching this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Masturbation_with_Paul_Mckenna


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The soundtrack to your lives

  Last week we asked for the music that have
  accompanied moments of joy, tedium or tragedy:
http://b3ta.com/questions/soundtrack/

  Here's three that aren't about orgasms:

  * DEAD CAN DANCE - "I work in the film industry.
   My friend, John, does animatronics. You know,
   the radio-controlled mechanical puppets they
   used to use for doing monsters before CGI came
   along and replaced them all (sorry John!). A
   marathon drinking session resulted in the
   following agreement, sealed by drunken handshake.
   If I die before I'm 35 John will rig me up so
   that at my funeral I will sit up straight out
   of my coffin and perform the dance moves to the
   opening bars of Thriller before disappearing out
   of sight behind the curtain."
   (pixel_fucker)
     
  * JEFFERSON AIRPLANE - "I flew to Germany a
   couple of years ago and as we came in for the
   final approach, wings dipped low over the Dresden
   skyline, my iPod decided, from the 5,560 tracks
   available, to launch into a stirring rendition of
   the Dam Busters Theme. If I'd had speakers I
   would have broadcast it to the entire plane."
   (Albert Marshmallow)
     
  * BIG COUNTRY - "I always thing of Dolly Parton's
   Jolene just before exams, and it always makes me
   smile and relax. Why? Because of the immortal
   answer one of my classmates gave on his mock-A2
   Music Tech Paper: Q: Describe why this style of
   music is known as "Country" A: Because that woman
   sounds like a goat."
   (Sivvus)


  >> This Week's Question: Celebs I Hate <<
  We know you pretend to not care about celebrities
  and all that stuff, but we also know you have a
  secret and detailed list of the ones that you hate:
http://b3ta.com/questions/famebacklash/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Celebrities with short legs <<
  Inexplicably pleasing gallery of long-legged
  celebrities and supermodels, photoshopped to
  make them look dumpy. Or, well, dwarfy.
http://snurl.com/goshortie


  >> 'God hates fags' tries San Francisco <<
  Religious extremists attempt an anti-gay
  demonstration in Frisco. They are literally
  hidden from sight by the descending crowd of
  pranksters, eager to try out their own
  home-made gag signs.
http://snurl.com/godhatesflags


  >> Awesome MS Paint CV <<
  Computer graphics expert renders his entire
  online resume in MS Paint. Ballsy move but, hey,
  it's memorable.
http://www.squicky.org/


  >> Fugpaint <<
  FugPaint is a malevolent painting program, with
  built-in misbehaviour guaranteed to foil your
  every attempt at drawing a picture. Much like
  GIMP then! Sorry, did we really say that? 
http://www.benfry.com/fugpaint/


  >> The talking sex-bot <<
  Inventor unveils $7,000 interactive sex doll,
  the world's most sophisticated masturbation
  aid. Pity, then, that it looks like Catherine
  Tate with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. "Look at my
  face, is my face bovvered? Face? Bovvered?"
  Marked NSFW in case you work with a Dalek and
  it starts shooting white wee wee.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/02/01/sex.robot/index.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Now available on your iPad Nano  

  >> Live webcast fail <<
  Unfortunate nerds trying a live webcast
  unwittingly open a portal to hell.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Live_Webcast_Fail


  >> Labyrinth Zone with lyrics <<
  Singalonga Sonic the Hedgehog, in this
  soundtrack to the game's much-hated underwater
  level. Great ending.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Labyrinth_Zone_with_Lyrics


  >> Amazing Aliens rap <<
  From the same guy who did the Predator Rap
  comes this extraordinarily comprehensive
  lyrical trip through the second Alien film.
  Lots of neatly-inserted lines from the movie.
  BTW: back in the day we had the Aliens
  soundtrack on the iPod, to make walking back
  home from the pub extra-scary.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_Aliens_Rap


  >> The Dog that smiles <<
  Amazingly, whenever she's happy this dog pulls
  a facial expression that can be interpreted as
  a smile. Although it's not as cute the face she
  pulls when feeling a turbulent cocktail of
  melancholy, rage and catholic guilt.
http://snurl.com/grinningdog


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  It's not funny la la la

  * RAPE ISN'T FUNNY - and certainly even less
  funny when the rapist has a name that perfectly
  describes his weapon of choice. (via Dan dan
  dan)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bradford/8495749.stm


  * AUSTRALIAN COCK-TITS - Sir Isaac "Isaac"
  Mangang writes, "It may not be a corporate
  logo, but in the B3TA spirit of things, I
  happened to capture Australian Channel 9
  newsbot Kellie Connolly recently, proudly
  displaying what can only be described as a big
  cock on her chest (complete with "clever"
  cleavage japseye):
http://snurl.com/cocktop


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the iPad Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to mock the iPad

  Your favourites included:
 
  * STICKY - a side-by-side comparison
    between the iPad and its closet 
    competitor, a small blob of blu-tak
    (Bad Horsey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9891074

  * TOY - the iPad's inspiration may come
    as something of a surprise (mofaha)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9890746

  * REALITY - the true value of the iPad 
    revealed through the majesty of 
    animated gif (RarelyEvil)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9895197


  All these images, and the highest as
  voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ipad/


  >> New challenge: Save ITV <<
  With ad revenue in the toilet, dwindling 
  ratings, regional news to be abolished 
  after the election, and Adam Crozier as 
  boss, what can possibly save the nation's 
  favourite lowest-common-denominator 
  broadcaster? Challenge suggested by Joe 
  Scaramanga
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/itv/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Lots and lots and lots of stuff

  >> Ashen's Tech Dump: Retro Games <<
  Deadpan tech critic Dr Ashen turns his scathing
  glance upon "the Department for Trade and
  Industry's Fun Pack 1986 - a collection of
  three classic games which were no fun, no good
  and not real." Props to Ashen for getting the
  Beeb to pay for this.
http://snurl.com/techdump


  >> How to Help Social Network Addicts <<
  "This is the latest in a series of animations
  I've made," explains Splicker. Nicely graphic
  guide to weaning yourself off of the Facebooks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_Help_Social_Network_Addicts


  >> Egg-timer entertainment <<
  "I thought you guys might like this project of
  ours: an egg-timer that finds a YouTube video
  to match your boiling time," explains Will.
  It's currently showing us a tornado while lunch
  is cooking - awesome!
http://www.eggwatchers.com


  >> Crap + Apps = Crapps <<
  "I've made made this site to highlight the crap
  apps that people have been making to try and
  get rich off the back of the iphone bandwagon,"
  explains Harry Fridge. Contribute crap app
  reviews of your own or just enjoy the snarky
  quality of the writing.
http://crapps.co.uk


  >> Fuggy Fuggy <<
  Clever little animation, as the McLeod
  Brothers' hapless ninja must use his reasoning
  skills to defeat a horde of spear-wielding
  scarlet ogres.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB_4GKChlj8


  >> Home-made music <<
  "I think it's time we did away with fancy
  'guitars', 'keyboards' and 'drums' and instead
  turned our attention to the mundane, everyday
  objects like that pen on the side with its end
  chewed off, or that slightly mouldy 50p coin
  rattling over there," yells Mazza558, as he
  storms the barricades. "If you rig up your
  microphone to pick up any sound and manipulate
  it live, y'can do all sorts of slightly
  psychedelic things. Observe:"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcr739hQ9Rg


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Game using just the scroll wheel

  We once had an idea about making a game with a
  scroll wheel - you'd rub it and it would
  simulate female masturbation. We even tried to
  pitch it once but there were no buyers for that
  one. Anyway - here's a much more tasteful take
  on that up-and-down rolling motion.
http://www.recordtripping.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * RSS DOPPLEGANGER - mellamaphone asks, "I
  subscribe to a lot of RSS feeds for a wide
  variety of sites. It'd be great if someone made
  a database-type thing where you enter a list of
  your feeds, then it tells you how many people
  subscribe to the same combination of sites. I
  don't know why, but the idea fascinates me."

  * CANCER - Nevillebartos asks, "I'm sat in a
  Harley Street cancer centre getting pumped full
  of chemo whilst reading this week's newsletter
  to get over my bollock cancer. That has got to
  rank up there as a pretty hardcore reading
  experience. Are other b3tans able to top that?"

  * THE WANKLET - Millwallant asks, "A blanket
  with sleeves and a hole cut in it for your
  penis for those late night sofa masturbation
  sessions. To be honest, I may just cut a hole
  in the wife's slanket so I can get a mention in
  next week's issue too!"

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by spiritleader,
  BrianGilmore, escherspencil Griffy Savalas,
  sinisterduck, The_Fiend, redazril, Darklord,
  WiggZ and Jimbotfu. Top Tippery by thyrf.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via  The Great Architect.
  
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: TOP TIP:
  Motion your head in a circular fashion to see
  the contents of the microwave as it's going
  round.


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: SICKIPEDIA:
  I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to hear my
  latest rape joke. She said no, but I just went
  ahead and told her anyway.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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