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NEWSLETTER: "DON'T FORGET TO PUT YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD THIS WEEKEND!!"

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This Week:
* INSANITY - Cyriak's loops
* JOY - Boobies & Kittens
* NOSTALGIA - Gif Heaven

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   "We're cheating at  
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     scrabble... online"

B3ta fax lols 419 - 11 Mar 2010

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Line 6 POD Studio UX2 USB interface  

  We're trying to find the easiest way to record
  electric guitars in Garageband and last week we
  bought a £20 USB cable form Lindy. It was
  shite, loads of latency and a crap, muffled
  sound. This week we're pushing the boat out
  financially and buying the extremely pricey
  Line 6 UX2 - which promises to have no lag.
  We'll see.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001EKECC2/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Loops, Tits, Food and Porn Memorials

  >> Looping madness <<
  "Here's a new animation and tune I made,"
  chirps Cyriak. "Enjoy!" By which he means sink
  your mind with an increasingly complex,
  proliferating horde of threatening teddy bears.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cycles


  >> Tit map <<
  "Obvious what this does really," explains
  Toucan. Leverages the full power of Web 2.0 to
  give a Twitter-based UK map showing where it's
  warm enough for girls to show their breasts to
  the naked sky. "Yes it's stalkery and pervy,"
  says Toucan. "That's why I thought I should
  post it on b3ta."
http://www.titmonday.com


  >> Random meals <<
  "I have a problem," confesses Nairn. "I buy
  cookery books but never ever use them. It
  culminated in January with me buying 11 books
  simultaneously. So what I've decided to do is
  take one book a day in to work, then have
  someone randomly pick a page and I'll eat for
  dinner whatever that recipe is. Here's the
  result:"
http://randommeals.blogspot.com/


  >> The 71st Adult Film Awards: In Memoriam <<
  We've had the Oscars and the Baftas, now "the
  bongo movie biz celebrates the lives of those
  they lost this past year," intones a solemn
  ratbanjos.
http://snurl.com/adultoscars


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Letters they'll never read

  Last week we wanted your apologies, anger,
  declarations of love; the things you want to
  say to people, but can't or didn't get the
  chance to. Prepare to laugh and cry. Mostly
  cry:
http://b3ta.com/questions/letterstheywillneverread/

  Meanwhile here's two cats and a twat:

  * DEAR TOM DAVEY, RSC member, actor, thesp,
  luvvie, resident of Hackney. I'm sorry. I'm
  sorry Tom that we share very similar email
  addresses. I'm sorry I get a lot of your
  emails, and I'm sorry that when I forward them
  on to that you don't ever thank me. I'm sorry
  you did Hamlet (or Macbeth) with David Tennant
  and Patrick Stewart. I'm sorry that your
  assistant director mails me your call sheets
  instead of you. I'm further sorry that they
  also include the email addresses, and phone
  numbers of the other cast members. And the
  details of their drivers, their mobile numbers
  and times and locations to pick everyone up for
  'shoots'. I'm sorry that I inadvertently
  redirected Patrick Stewart & David Tennant's
  drivers to pick you up from Soho, at 5pm, on a
  Friday, when they should have picked you up
  from Stanstead. I'm sorry it had to come to
  that. Also, that new central heating boiler you
  had installed? They threatened you with
  bailiffs so I told them, and I quote, "Keep
  your fucking boiler, I'm not paying. You can
  come and rip it out of the house - even if you
  have to kick the fucking doors down. I'm not
  giving you a penny." I hope you have a jumper.
  (I have run out of coke)
     
  * DEAR MR SCHRODINGER, We are pleased/sorry to
  inform you that Mr Tibbles is fine/no longer
  with us. Please call if/when you observe this
  message. Yours, Parrot Docs Veterinary Centre
  (Bootsthealchemist)
     
  * DEAR CAT, I'm sorry, cat. For sicking on that
  bush you were sleeping in, and making you run
  out scared. (moogman)

  * BONUS GOLDACRE MENTION - special attention
  also must go to this plea to Dr Ben Goldacre -
  remember this was "letters they'll never read",
  well Ben did read it and actually replied:
http://b3ta.com/questions/letterstheywillneverread/post658239  


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Ever had some kwality healthcare?. Tell us your
  doctor, nurse, dentist and hospital stories
  here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/matron/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Teaching kids about gay romance <<
  Last year mom and dad divorced. Dad now lives
  with his friend Frank. If you've never read one
  of these 'homosexuality is a fact of life'
  kids' books, that The Daily Mail gets ever-so
  excited about, now is your chance.
http://snurl.com/mytwodads


  >> Is this what Heaven really looks like? <<
  For a certain generation of long-in-the-tooth
  web nerds there has never been a better
  depiction of Heaven.
http://heaven.internetarchaeology.org/heaven.html#bottom


  >> Piggyback art <<
  Eddie Breen takes crap art found in junk shops
  and paints on top of it. In his own words, "Art
  can neither be good or bad, only interesting or
  boring." We're going to try to remember that
  quote as it's spot on.
http://www.eddiebreen.com/


  >> 90s tech ads revisited <<
  Tech nostalgia is powerful stuff, and this
  magic collection of old adverts from the pages
  of Wired makes us very happy indeed.
  Particularly love the MiniDisc recorder "I CAN
  RECORD ON A DISC!" Caps and punctuation are
  here to sell the sheer enthusiasm of a
  Sienfield-esque hipster who's enraptured by the
  awesome tech.
http://www.wiredreread.com/


  >> Toyota Simulator <<
  It's pretty realistic. Just wait for it to
  load, then use arrow keys to control the car.
http://toyotasimulator.com/


  >> Wiki perve <<
  He's been at it for three years, but shameless
  Wikipedia legend Richiex shows no sign of
  slowing down in his, er, contributions. He's
  just helpfully measured his balls for all to
  see. No, don't click the link - that's what he
  wants! NSFW!!! NSFW!!! NSFW!!! NSFW!!! 
http://snurl.com/specialcontributions


  >> Flame Artworks Gallery <<
  Funky web art tool that lets you draw with what
  appears to be magical fairy flames. Very pretty
  indeed.
http://www.escapemotions.com/experiments/flame/#top


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Man proposes via LoLCat view!

  This enterprising young man combined cats, lols
  and true love. He proposed to his girlfriend
  via a LOLCat view - and she said yes. Yaaaay!
  We look forward to seeing the divorce papers
  served in similar style.
http://snurl.com/loloflove


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine jpegs that moved, and sound too

  >> Boobies & Kittens <<
  Title says it all really. NSFW if your
  employers are SEXISTS who have some sort of
  problem with the tastefully-attired female
  form. In which case you should probably sue
  them for making you miss this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boobies_Kittens


  >> Make a CGI scrotum <<
  Detailed tutorial on how to make a
  nauseatingly-detailed 3D hairy ball-sack. This
  is how they tea-bag you at Pixar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6ysl_lq7IU


  >> Just a girl brushing her teeth... <<
  Unexpected quick change routine made us giggle.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Just_a_girl_brushing_her_teeth


  >> YouTube closes down for the night <<
  Cute piece, harks back to a bygone age of
  late-night telly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/YouTube_Closes_Down_For_The_Night


  >> Trumpet sniping <<
  Sniggering man hides himself along the route of
  a massive brass band parade. When the moment is
  right, he lets rip with his rusty old
  out-of-tune trumpet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Norwegian_trumpeting_lolz


  >> For those with a short attention span <<
  What's the best thing about twenty five second
  films? There's twenty of them!
http://snurl.com/5secondtop20


  >> How to take profile pics <<
  Funny/cute/true camera spot, about the tricks
  people can pull to look good to their social
  networking chums.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Yeah_its_an_advert_ok


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  As welcome as cancer on your penis
  
  * GOOGLE MAPS FUN - Dan writes, "This may or
  may not please you - stumbled across it when
  checking out a cottage I stayed in - some wag
  has written 'CLUNGE TASTES GREAT' in 10 foot
  high letters on a St Ives beach.  RESPECT."
http://snurl.com/clungetastesgreat


  * AGE OF CONSENT LOLS - bilton06 writes,
  "Someone is petitioning for the age of consent
  for homosexuals to be raised to 21. However,
  just take a close look at some of the names...
  Lady Cumslurp-Bucketminge, Bumface McGoaty and
  Lord Huffington of Feltchingham." Gosh - isn't
  the internet full of merry funsters?
http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/gay-consent/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Superheroes in history

  Last week we wanted you to take a superhero and
  do some mad anachronism shit with it. 

  Faves picked by us include:
 
  * SUPERMAN AT 9/11 - poor old Clark Kent, it's
  morally wrong for him to have time off, or
  sleep even. (Happy Shopper)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9946842

  * HONG KONG FUEY VS BAYEUX TAPESTRY - bet this
  is in your head now, "Hong Kong Phooey, number
  one super guy. Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than
  the human eye." You'll be on YouTube next
  watching the titles. (Hummel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9946856

  * IRON MAN vs SUITS OF ARMOUR - although we
  haven't actually bothered watching this film
  and wondered if this was meant to be The
  Terminator or The Cylons from Battlestar. Which
  goes to show that this stuff is pretty
  interchangeable, or we don't know jack shit
  about sci-fi. Probably the the later.
  (HappyToast )
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9944876

  Faves as voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superheroesinhistory/


  >> New challenge: Opposite films <<
  Your flamed-haired despot Rob thought up the
  challenge this week, partly out of a gag about
  turning Fight Club into a porno by, instead of
  fighting, having people do the sex thing.
  Anyway, it's a movie challenge which means you
  won't be short of visual material to work from.
  So have fun you crazy kids:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/oppositefilms/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MOONING STREETVIEW - "Fuck me," ejaculates
  Pat, "Dunno if you remember me telling you
  about this a year ago... BUT IT WORKED!!!"
  
  One year ago: "The Google Streetview car came
  down my mate’s road tonight. One swift phone
  call later and there’s plenty of B3ta inspired
  ass lining the street. The bloke in the Google
  car found it amusing. Especially when he
  realised he had to turn round and come right
  back out of the lane!"
  
  Check it out!
http://snurl.com/googlemapsthemoon


  * HOMEOPATHY - "I was looking up information on
  Homeopathy," explains Ginger_Whinger, "and I
  found this. I'll admit, I laughed."
http://www.howdoeshomeopathywork.com/


  * JONTI RIP-OFF? - Dunno why we're bothering
  with a question mark there, as this furniture
  ad was clearly inspired by Badge Badger Badger.
  Jonti himself says "Hmmm." We hope they pay him
  off with a nice new sofa.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E63W43eLL78


  * SPEAKING OF JONTI - Jazz version of Jonti's
  classic equine opus. "Everyone else and their
  mother seems to be doing covers and remixes of
  this," volunteers Jonti. "I figured I might as
  well join in too." Nice.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Jazz+Horse/


  * PANTS IN THE POST - In our 'Things We'd Like
  to See' section, we asked for "fresh underwear
  delivered everyday through your letterbox."
  Thing is, we asked that in 2004. Thanks to
  Peter Davison, for this suggestion marking the
  longest amount of time we've ever had to wait
  for our dreams to come true.
http://www.manpacks.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WORDS NOT CONTAINED IN TUBE NAMES - neal_work
  says, "Pimlico is the only Underground station
  which does not contain any of the letters in the
  word 'badger'. But then I wondered if any other
  word will work in the same way. Turns out, one
  does.I can say (and prove if necessary) that
  Pimlico is the only London Underground station
  (out of 307) which does not share ANY letters
  with the phrase 'Kunt and the Gang's Shaven
  Havens'." Hmm, sounds like someone should write
  a web app that lets you test words. Someone?
  Anyone?

  * REALISTIC LONDON CAB SIMULATOR - Add a photo
  of a black cab to Google StreetView and a few
  audio samples of a cockney blethering about
  "bloody darkies" and job done.

  * FIGHT OR RUN . COM - Like hotornot but with
  photos of blokes and you have to rate whether
  you'd fight them or run from them. Possibly
  homoerotic now we think about it, but we've
  occasionally played this game whilst walking
  down the street.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by benvenuto,
  spacemanjason, cr3, ru, Darklord, kviolet84,
  DaveL, Hellzapoppin, igotdamaged, Leonards,
  @robertpopper, planearm, chthonic,
  Proboscisface, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via twig. We also liked "READ IT NOW
  BEFORE THE DIGITAL ECONOMY BILL BANS WORDS"
  from Mighty Nibus but decided that the clock
  gag would cause more trouble, and we're super
  cool rebels.


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  Seriously worried about my birthday in a few
  years time. Apparently at 40 there's an 80%
  chance I'll kill a child. (hairychod)
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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