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NEWSLETTER: "PALLBEARERS GO ROUND THE OUTSIDE, ROUND THE OUTSIDE, ROUND THE OUTSIDE"

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This Week:
* VOTING - We teach you voter apathy
* DAILY MAIL - This week's love letter is a quiz
* RICHARD MADELEY - Utterly mashed up for you

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "Please please save     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  the fucking web, this
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  DEBill stuff is rotten"

B3ta email 423 - 9 April 2010

Already a bit dodgy under existing legislation:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue423/

       :) :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
       :( :  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINKY IT'S SPONSORED LINKY
  Pendulum playing Sonisphere!

  Fantastic news - the utterly brilliant Pendulum
  are doing Sonisphere. Here's our favourite
  facts about your favourite drum & bass/rock act:

  * They're mostly from Australia, but their
  guitarist Peredur is Welsh and was a judge on
  his local talent show, the "Waw Ffactor"

  * A pendulum is a weight suspended from a pivot
  so it can swing freely. Think of it as a
  scrotal sack that can power a clock.

  * Their new single is called Watercolour. It's
  about the colour of Roger Waters - a pinkish
  ham.

  Ah. Please forgive us for writing some crap
  jokes - the ticket agency said we could write
  what we liked as long as we mentioned Pendulum
  were playing, and also Therapy? and Dir En
  Grey. Hooray!
http://snurl.com/sonispherefuckyeah


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us. We'll write
  crap jokes for you too.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Votes, Cancer, Madeley, Crisps and Cunnilingus

  >> "Your vote is pointless" <<
  "Hello," says Martin Petts, "I've made a site
  that shows voters how utterly powerless we are
  in the general election." It's slightly
  dispiriting stuff but fascinating.
http://www.voterpower.org.uk


  >> Daily Mail Big C Quiz <<
  "Can you tell what the Daily Mail has reported
  as causing cancer?" asks Monkeon. If you can
  get 100%, seek professional help because you're
  thinking like the Mail - it might be brain
  cancer.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/bigcquiz/


  >> Madeley Mash <<
  "I made this tune a while back," confesses
  swedemason, "But thought I'd have a crack at a
  video seen as there is a bit of a Madeley
  drought at the moment."  Thank God, thank God,
  the Richard Madeley drought is over at last.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Madeley_Mash


  >> Retro crisps <<
  "For those of a certain age," begins
  mister_bronson_from_grange_hill, "My collection
  of early 1980's crisp packets may bring back
  fond nostalgic memories of school lunch-times."
  Yes, yes, we know - we're linking to a Facebook
  group, but all these crisp packets made us
  wonderfully nostalgic.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=102805546425091&ref=ts


  >> Shaven Haven <<
  Kunt is back, with a new vid for the song
  'Shaven Haven'. "It features James Buckley (Jay
  off the Inbetweeners) putting his succesful
  acting career on the line with his gritty
  portrayal of a ruthless gang leader in a
  violent urban street war. That sounds quite
  good actually, so much better than me and my
  divvy mates twatting around doing appalling
  breakdancing on a bit of lino by the Thames."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6j2QeHDZbw


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Prejudice

  Last week we asked for your experiences of
  prejudice or if indeed you had found yourself
  to be prejudice. Worth reading for Leo
  Sasquatch's brutally honest bit of self
  examination and the huge argument in response
  to EuroSong's post:
http://b3ta.com/questions/prejudice/

  * CROMWELL - "Visiting the other half's family
  in Lisburn, Norn Iron, I found myself sitting
  outside a club in Belfast conversing with a
  friend. Some local skanks overheard, spotted my
  English accent and came wading in calling me,
  in no particular order, a squaddie, gay, and
  uneducated... all of which I laughed off, and
  they ended up being very friendly. Then their
  fat bearded gimli-alike friend came over and
  loudly proclaimed, "I don't like Oliver
  Cromwell!" and fixed me with his very best
  withering hard-man stare. "Never met him,
  little bit before my time mate," I replied,
  "while we're on the topic of cunts though, when
  are you lot going to apologise for Bono?" He
  took rather a shine to me after that and
  insisted on buying me a drink. Never thought
  I'd say it, but thanks Bono! You cunt." (pete
  l'oaf)

  * TAKEAWAY - "Not me but a mate, heading back
  into her block of student flats at about
  midnight saw a Chinese guy outside the door. He
  was standing there in a baseball cap and was
  holding a bag full of takeaway. "Oh," she said,
  "I didn't realise you delivered this late." "I
  don't," he said, "this is my dinner. I live
  here." (Puddle of Sugar)
     
  * BIGOTED - "My girlfriend dumped me with an
  email telling me that I am "dyslexic and
  bigoted". For fucks sake, even if I did have
  dyslexia it shouldn't be used as a reason to
  dump someone. And I do not have big toes."
  (emadex)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like the words and phrases that annoy you.
  Marketing bollocks, buzzword bingo, or your mum
  saying "fudge" when she really wants to swear
  like a trooper. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/buzzwords/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Home printing is killing graphic design <<
  BPI Director of Communications caught chatting
  about photocopying a greetings card, on the day
  the DE Bill was passed. Entertaining shitstorm
  follows. 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/revdancatt/4501870721/


  >> Don't steal from a nerd <<
  Bloke gets burgled, phone, laptop, the usual
  stuff. The difference being that he then uses
  the software on his GPS mobile to track down
  where it's all been taken. All vey lovely, on
  the assumption it's true and not some weird
  software ad.
http://snurl.com/naughtyboys


  >> Star Trek between shots <<
  Nice photos of models, sets, actors and props
  from old-school Star Trek. Unconventionally
  lovely.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/birdofthegalaxy/


  >> The secret of pi <<
  Somehow we never realised this before. Doh.
http://snurl.com/whencomebackbringpi


  >> Two nuns & a drum machine <<
  It sounds like the set-up to a joke, but this
  recently-surfaced religious musical oddity is a
  brilliant and eerie affair.
http://snurl.com/downloadthistoyourzune


  >> Troll cats! <<
  Cute cats, with anti-social internet messages.
http://trollcats.com/


  >> Bunch of trolls <<
  No more visiting forums. The entertaining
  exploits of internet trolls are now available
  to enjoy in handy blog form.
http://www.helpfeedthetroll.com/


  >> Bunny of the day <<
  The world's finest rabbit photography, updated
  every day.
http://bit.ly/3lMZJI 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a Casio camera watch but without a strap

  >> Standing cat <<
  Now they can stand on two legs, it's only a
  matter of time before they evolve thumbs and
  then they won't need us for anything.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thats_a_winner


  >> What a Wonderful World death metal <<
  Masterful redubbing of Louis Armstrong. The
  much angrier track is strangely plausible.
http://bit.ly/aPSetN


  >> Old arcade games attack New York <<
  Pixels on the warpath in Manhattan, this is
  even better than you're probably imagining it
  to be.
http://snurl.com/pixelbasatrads


  >> Chris Kamara - sports reporter of the year <<
  Chris Kamara is a total legend. Here's one of
  the many reasons why.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chris_Kamara_reporter_of_the_year


  >> Bafflingly terrible voice <<
  What's going on in this interview? We haven't a
  clue. Brazilian tranny keeps repeating the same
  garbled phrase.
http://snurl.com/omgweirdvoice


  Whatever it is, the interwebs seem to love it:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terrible_Voice_Remix_Pokerface


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 

  We'd rather be the 'Lucky Pierre' in the
  current horror film smash The Human Centipede
  than run this section again but we're forced to
  because our readers needs are more important
  than our own sanity, so here goes. Rusty T.
  Rombone writes, "Here's a cracker for the funny
  name corner:"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaylord_Silly

  BTW: We've thought of a new way to derail
  innocent chit-chat, when someone asks a simple
  question answer with, "I don't mind, It's no
  skin off my penis."


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Animal Film Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to replace human 
  actors with animals

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SHINING - altogether more terrifying
    than the original (Faceburger)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9989723

  * COW - not the kind of thing you'd ever
    want to see in 3D (rmoola)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9988439

  * SHINING II - a sequel, but with added
    horse (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9989417


    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalfilms/


  >> New challenge: Photoshop The Election <<
  A general election challenge - well four 
  challenges - we'll keep them open until
  the actual election day. We'll make some 
  funky graphs out of the entries - as 
  we'll have our own anti-election of 
  mockery. Who will be the most mocked?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/generalelectionphotoshoplabour/
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/generalelectionphotoshoptories/
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/generalelectionphotoshoplibdems/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * JOEL MAKES ANOTHER KITTEN AD - it's
  dreadfully good of course but we do wonder
  about Joel being wheeled out aged 80 to do this
  again and again. Veitch writes, "It's a tribute
  to the greatest music video of all time, the
  immortal Wired For Sound by Cliff Richard. In
  10 seconds."
http://snurl.com/veitchydoeshiskittenthing


  * MORE SCHEMES TO MAKE PEOPLE MOVE OUT  - the
  possibly sociopathic Bad Horsey writes, "I once
  left a flatshare after a massive falling-out
  with the cunt of a landlady / flatmate. The
  last thing that I did before I left was to get
  hold of a depot hypodermic - the big ones used
  for oil-based injections - and injecting the
  best part of a pint of milk into her pillows
  and mattress. I'm told that it very quickly
  developed a personality all of its own and that
  her young man left her not long afterwards."


  * THE CURSE OF GOLDEN EYE - sauronwibble
  writes, "When I was about 16 a friend of me &
  my 'group' went missing after a underage
  drunken sesh in the local. We all skipped
  school/college and went searching everywhere we
  knew he might be, to no avail. One evening with
  our parents forcing us to rest, eat, etc, we
  got a call that his body had been found. We
  were playing N64 Goldeneye at the time and we
  were casually shooting each other to take our
  mind of of it. I Never touched it again. He'd
  stopped for a piss on the way home along a
  flooded river and slipped in. He drowned."


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Gosh the internet is fast

  A few days back Xkcd ran a comic about a
  hellish version of tetris where the objects
  don't fall straight: 
http://xkcd.com/724/

  A few days later it exists - completely
  unplayable of course.
http://www.swfme.com/view/1046212

  BTW: When we're dead we're leaving crap things
  in our will to famous people just to irritate
  and puzzle them. Like a hoover to Paul
  McCartney. 

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MURDER VIRUS'S - surely science could make a
  virus that checks someone's DNA and if it
  didn't match, it replicated to another human,
  and if it did it killed them? First on our list
  would be everyone behind the #DEBill crap,
  including the BPI, the house of lords and
  parliament too.

  * A CURE FOR GETTING OLD - we're old enough
  now, we'd like it to stop.

  * AN OFF SWITCH FOR MODERN COMMUNICATIONS -
  just one button that stopped twitter, facebook,
  email, mobile phones the lot until you were
  ready to deal with it all again. We'd also like
  this button to make a breathing out sound of
  relief and give us a biscuit.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @itsthatlady, Mike
  Trinder, Avast, Wayland_smithy, t0ria, weaver,
  gnuchu, TownsendsPublisher, Spammer cuntface,
  HappyToast,  Willwillwritehiswill, follymoff.
  Top Tippery by MrOli Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia via
  sweetlikechocolate. Subjlols via Bela Lugosi's
  Dad. Masthead via Tribs.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Why not try tossing over your favourite cerial?
  (Tip stolen from, iirc, a packet of Sunmaid
  raisins)

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  You gotta feel sorry for bees. How unlucky can
  you get? Black AND Ginger. 
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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