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NEWSLETTER: "THIS WEEK CONTAINING AN ASCII PIC OF MOHAMMED"

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This Week:
* ANIM - The Horn of Bunty
* ABC - For geeks
* MUSIC - Toy trumpet virtuoso

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're annoyed the Tories
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  aren't going to repeal
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     DEAct... together"

B3ta email 429 - 21 May 2010

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue429/

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-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  The Cure - Disintegration
 
  Seeing as we haven't flogged an ad, then
  tradition dictates we link to the last item we
  bought on Amazon. Rather excited by this 3-disc
  reissue of one of the best albums of the 80s.
  Yeah we could probably just grab a torrent but
  we fancy the nice shiny disc. Also worth
  checking out is the preview site with extra
  demos and Roger O'Donnell's extensive notes on
  the recording of the album available on his
  site. /Sad old goth blog over.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00318EDD8/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Simon Says, Robots, Blackboard and ABCs

  >> The Horn of Bunty <<
  "Just a bit of fun with Doctor Simon CUHNT!"
  explodes noznikrap. Inventive, musical, NSFW -
  play along!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Horn_of_Bunty


  >> Sexy Robots <<
  Weeble writes, "It is the future and all music
  is made by robots. Sexy robots." This is 100%
  HOTTTT robot-on-robot interface procedure.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Sexy+Robots/


  >> Bart's Blackboard <<
  "Here is a little project I've done," glees MC.
  "Every line Bart Simpson ever put on the
  Springfield blackboard, written on the walls of
  our office." We were amused to note that two
  actors play Bart in this. A skinny guy who's
  better at skating and a fat bloke who's
  better at writing!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Barts_Blackboard


  >> Geek ABC <<
  "Hey guys!" greets geekpub. "We recently
  published the ABC of geekdom, illustrating each
  letter with Creative Commons pictures. When you
  read them all together, they make a really
  geeky poem!" This is the very best kind of
  poetry - ie. it rhymes.
http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2010/05/13/the-geek-alphabet/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Expensive Weekends

  Spending a lot of money can be great if you
  want to do it. Not so great when it is forced
  upon you just to get home. Laugh at debt here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/expensiveweekends/

  * MOUSED - "The Wynn Hotel, Las Vegas, NV - one
  of the finest places on this earth. They have a
  new club there called 'XS', which is built
  around a huge, shallow swimming pool, which
  without fail, 100s of scantily clad American
  bimbo wannabes throw themselves into every
  night. The trick is to hire a cabana by the
  water's edge, so the dripping wet girls have a
  place to enter and exit the pool; they really
  appreciate the free towels and drinks that
  cabana owners can supply them with. My mate and
  I hired a cabana and put down a $1000 min
  drinks tab with my Amex card. What a night. We
  were outnumbered 8-1 by desperate, stunning,
  nubile girls. They LOVED our cabana, they
  ordered vodka by the bottle and champagne by
  the magnum. My friend and I sat there
  resplendent, the stars of our very own hip-hop
  video, fully satisfied at such a wonderful,
  short-lived fantasy. But all good things must
  come to an end. And end they did, with the
  addition of a $2,400 drinks bill. The waitress
  brought my card on a silver tray and asked me
  to sign, I drunkenly pointed to my far drunker
  mate, who grabbed the receipt and duly signed
  it. I was too pissed to care. Plus one of the
  girls had accepted my invitation to come use
  one of the luxuriant Wynnn bathrobes that I had
  in my room... The next day, we struggled to
  remember our total bill. A brief search of my
  mate's wallet found the copy receipt and the
  enormity of our overspend hit home. But closer
  inspection of it revealed a get out clause. I
  immediately called Amex and complained that I'd
  misplaced my card between 1am and 6am,
  somewhere in the greater Las Vegas area. Back
  home I was sent a pack by Amex. It contained a
  list of all my expenditure during that time,
  plus photocopies of my signed receipts. And
  there it was. The biggie. A receipt for
  $2,400.00 spent at XS Club, Wynn Hotel. Agreed
  and signed by a 'Mr M. Mouse Esq.' They
  re-credited every cent onto my next statement."
  (Albert Marshmallow)
     
  * TROUSERED - "I used to live in Brighton and
  there were a few hills in the area that people
  used to paraglide from. It looked great,
  soaring around like a bird high above the
  clouds. So I went down to the paragliding shop
  and took their beginner deal: for £2k you got
  lessons until you passed and your 'wing' all
  included in the price. You only got your wing
  once you'd passed your test and got your
  certificate. I learnt as much as I could about
  it but every weekend it was pissing down with
  rain. It was a few months till it was finally
  the perfect day, not too windy, not too wet. I
  was shown how to strap myself in and I stood on
  the edge of the hill. The old instructor dude
  was holding on to my trousers and saying 'I
  daren't let you go until you've had a bit more
  experience.' Then it started raining. The next
  day the company went bust. So two grand to
  stand on a hill with an old dude holding my
  trousers..." (browser)
     
  * PARKED - "Friend of my wife's used to get all
  sorts of stick from her boyfriend about her
  parking ability. Back in January 2008 while out
  shopping she'd managed to reverse into a pillar
  in a carpark, bashing out the rear lights on
  one side of her car. Approximate cost: £150.
  Her boyfriend gave her the usual exasperated
  lecture about how she should be more careful
  and that spending £150 to repair this kind of
  damage was a waste of money, especially so soon
  after Christmas. A few days later he was part
  of the flight crew that stacked a 150-tonne
  Boeing 777 into the tarmac at Heathrow.
  Approximate cost: £150,000,000. He's no longer
  allowed to criticise her parking." (e_logic)


  >> This Week's Question: Best advice <<
  We'd like the best advice you've been given.
  Beckon us over to your deathbed and whisper
  to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/goodadvice/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Extreme body mods bloke  <<
  Interview with a young man about his
  modifications. Contains cock and balls and
  whatnot. Although loads of people say they
  don't regret their tattoos, we wonder if you
  can find ANYONE who says, "I wish I'd got more
  tattoos when I was younger. They'd be looking
  really shit by now. Wicked."
http://snurl.com/twatsyeah


  >> Banana facts <<
  Hey you! Yes you! Put down that banana and look
  at it - did you know it's a sterile hybrid that
  can't reproduce? It's the mule of the fruit
  kingdom and what's more, every single one is a
  clone - just like those nice Aryan Hitler
  children in The Boys from Brazil.
http://snurl.com/bananafuck


  >> All your botnet are belong to us <<
  Long, long read here - all about a rather
  frightening internet worm called Conficker
  which has infected millions of computers and
  nobody knows what it's for. If we were a
  terrorist state we'd probably try to buy it
  and use it to bring down half the internet.
  What we're saying - it's interesting to
  speculate what this might be all about.
http://snurl.com/biglongread


  >> The new digital sweatshops <<
  Crowdsourced web 2.0 stuff means there's
  millions of people out there willing to work
  for pennies. These people will be your online
  bitches for $5 a go. Our favourite one is the
  guy who lives on a beach and will take a photo
  of your message drawn in sand. fiverr - things
  people will do for a fiver.
http://www.fiverr.com/


  >> Dr Wakefield/MMR scare explained ... <<
  Paging Dr Ben Goldacre, Paging Dr Ben Goldacre,
  here's a comic book version of the MMR story
  for those too lazy to read Bad Science. Frankly
  Ben's publisher should do a deal here and do
  comic versions of Goldacre's work for the kids'
  market - it would sell like cocaine at a
  Bullingdon club party.
http://tallguywrites.livejournal.com/148012.html


  >> Shit my kids ruined <<
  Hey 30-something childless readers. You know
  that cool flat you've finally made look
  perfect? Once you have kids, all this is
  FUCKED. Trust us; we're already there. We've
  lost one old VCR to toast insertion, three DVD
  players and we've aged about 15 years in the
  last five. Woo hoo!
http://shitmykidsruined.com/

  
  >> Abandoned  Russian wooden house  <<
  Perez Hilton has just flogged his web bollocks
  for $20m, and if a rich fool made us a similar
  offer for B3ta then we're living here:
http://snurl.com/ournewhouseyeah


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but with a big sideways Qwerty remote 

  >> Bestest birthday ever <<
  If you don't have a big smile after watching
  this then there's something wrong with you.
  (Actually, we only smile at others' misfortune.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bestest_birthday_ever


  >> The Empire Strikes Back (1950) <<
  Another nice little 'premake'. You have to
  admire the production effort that's gone
  into this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Empire_Strikes_back_1950


  >> Important First Aid video <<
  Want to know how to do CPR? Well, these cheesy
  Lynx deodorant ad-style lezzers will get your
  pulse racing again. Quite how advertising has
  got so sexist again is one for the polyversity
  types.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Important_first_aid_video


  >> Toy trumpet virtuoso <<
  Blokey plays old rave tune on a toy trumpet
  whilst his stoner mates gasp and giggle.
  You'll be wanting to practise this too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDhAdMkn9uo


-------------------------------------------------

: PLUG FOR FAMOUS MAGAZINE BLOKE 

  James Brown - founder of genre-defining mens'
  mag Loaded) writes -

  "There are few good paper magazines around any
  more so I thought I'd create something that was
  a bit like Jack online, that we could update
  from anywhere. Spent years surfing so I thought
  I'd try and turn it into something productive
  all in one place. Our motto? We can't
  concentrate, so why should you? Could we have a
  link on B3TA newsletter tomorrow? Would make a
  big difference in our early days." Oh go on then!
http://snurl.com/saboyeah


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Fake Science Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to tell us the untruth
  about science

  Your favourites included:
 
  * EVERYTHING - the universe explained via the
  medium of moon, penguin, bacon and Popemobile
  (spinoza)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10045778

  * EARTHQUAKE - sometimes the science is much
  simpler than you think (Mu)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10045667

  * POLAR - the most convincing explanation
    of global warming we've yet seen. Deny
    and die (Monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10050286

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fakescience/


  >> New challenge: Wenlock & Mandeville <<
  "Wenlock and Mandeville will help inspire kids
  to strive to be the best they can be." That's
  what officials are saying about London's
  Olympic mascots. We're saying Photoshop them.
  Mercilessly.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascots/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TAN ACTUALLY READS AN AD WE RUN - Fluffy
  elephants writes, "Some of my friends entered
  that Sty TV competition. I can't link to their
  actual entry but you can watch it by clicking
  on the link and then going on 'Chantelle and
  Stacey's Showreel'. If you feel like being nice
  you can check it out and vote for them. Or just
  watch their Lady GaGa & Beyonce - Telephone
  Parody. Oh, also mildly NSFW due to swears and
  girls in their underwear."
http://www.stytv.co.uk/vote.php


  * PENIS MEDUSA - "Been done a few times
  already" points out notorious spoilsport
  Captain Freedom.
http://www.pileup.com/babyart/blog/?p=412


  * WE READ EVERYTHING YOU SEND US BUT SOMETIMES
  A BIT LATE - "Hi B3ta," writes Bela Lugosi's
  Dad, a few weeks ago, "I've been doing this blog
  showcasing unfortunate political (or sporting)
  photo-ops for a while, and just today have
  decided to name the phenomena 'billboardbombs'
  in a vain attempt to secure a place in history.
  Could you possibly pimp it in the newsletter
  this Friday, the last before polling day?"
http://conferencepear.blogspot.com/


  * B3TA IN THE PAPERS - people pull their hair
  out trying to think of amazing creative ideas
  but the truth is timing is everything. By a
  happy stroke of luck the Olympics timed the
  announcement of their new mascots for
  approximately the time we announce our new
  challenge - about 7:00pm on Weds. We knew
  whatever they picked it would be a source of
  mockery, so we made our challenge "photoshop
  the mascots." By the next day we were in at
  least three major UK papers. Well done B3tans!
http://snurl.com/thestandardb3ta
http://snurl.com/telegraphb3ta
http://snurl.com/dailymailb3ta


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Electric Box

  We've lost our life to shitty iPhone games and
  our current obsession is Electric Box - a
  visually lacklustre take on the early 90s
  classic The Impossible Machine. We're up to
  about level 28 and we keep going for extra
  shits as an excuse to play more. Linky goes to
  flash version.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/TwinkleStarGames/electric-box


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * THE ARTIFICIAL CREATION OF LIFE - oh
  bollocks, J. Craig Venture has got there first.
  Maybe B3tans can raise the dead?

  * HETROSEXUAL PEOPLE COMING OUT - Agent Muu
  suggests, "let's test the testicular fortitude
  of the newsletter's readers: b3tards set up a
  hidden camera and record themselves sitting
  their parents down and telling them they're
  gay. Obviously this will be funnier if most of
  the videos are done by straight people. Just
  think of the wide range of reactions, and the
  portrait it would paint of the state of
  tolerance in today's world (or lack thereof).
  It'll be exactly like Borat, except replacing
  Borat with being gay."

  * A GUIDE TO BUMMING - written by a cat.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Evil Lu, Pew Pew
  Pew! Lasers! Herb Alpert's Taxi driver,
  FishNChimps, @trullock, jakedamusss, Abe
  Baginsky, Bliss/Full, iowaseven.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Sickijoke nicked from wonderbrawl. This new "in
  private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is
  rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can
  still see me wanking. 
  

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  TOP TIP:
  Don't bother reading The Times, The Sun or The
  Daily Mail. 

-------------------------------------------------

  This issue is dedicated to Jessie.
http://b3ta.com/board/10050833

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