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NEWSLETTER: "IN THE TIME IT TAKES TO READ THIS, SOMEONE ELSE WILL HAVE BECOME A 'SOCIAL MEDIA EXPERT'"

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This Week:
* NOISE - Vuvuzela remover
* INTERVIEW - Richard Herring talks to b3ta
* BP - Coffee spill

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're injecting    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    heroin into our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    cocks... together"

B3ta email 433 - 18 Jun 2010

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue433/

       Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Bastards:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Sick of your electricity bills going to pay for
  greenwash ad campaigns? Us too!

 
  Maybe you’d prefer to get proper green
  electricity from Ecotricity, a British energy
  firm that puts your cash back into building
  more windmills, and doesn’t have any fat cat
  shareholders:
http://www.ecotricity.co.uk


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Hello potential sponsors. We're need money to 
  pay for a shed to run B3ta HQ from.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Lots of sexy shit, man

  >> World Cup web browsing <<
  "From the clever people that brought you
  burkavision..." begins majoringram. "It's
  VUVUZELA TIME!"
http://www.vuvuzela-time.co.uk/www.b3ta.com


  >> YOU interview Richard Herring <<
  We asked the massed hordes of b3ta for
  questions to ask comedy legend Richard Herring.
  Then Rob *made him answer them*! Yes, for that
  is how interviews work, and this one turned out
  pretty well. Choice words of wisdom: "Staying
  young is about staying interested".
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/richardherring/


  >> Deaf Mugger <<
  "The government has a scheme called Access to
  Work which pays for disabled people to get the
  assistance they need to do their job properly,"
  explains helmsdeep. "I thought, taken to its
  logical conclusion, that deaf criminals could
  do the same."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Deaf_Mugger


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Bad management
  
  Last week we asked about bad managers and, as
  usual, got lots of really great stories then
  found it really hard to pick ones for the
  newsletter because they're all so bloody long.
  So this week, in a break from tradition, we're
  running them mostly as links.
  
  * HEART WARMING STORY ABOUT NOT ALL MANAGERS
  ARE BAD - possibly a bit of social marketing
  planted by an insurance company, mind you.
  (dchurch)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/badmanagement/post756935

  * MR MALAPROPISM - comedy writers! Ever stuck
  for a formula to make jokey characters? The
  Malapropism - the substitution of a word for a
  word with a similar sound or meaning - is your
  friend. Best example here being, "I'm watching
  you like a hawk. Too-wit too-woo!" (Jackie
  Chan's Lovechild)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/badmanagement/post755325

  * INTERNET USAGE POLICY - "A friend of mine
  worked for a company which relied heavily on
  internet resources. After a take-over, the new
  internet usage policy gradually got worse and
  worse as you read down the page, until point 9,
  which read: 9. Under no circumstances must the
  internet be used for (a) upload or (b) download
  of data. Sigh." (Amish Information Systems )


  >> This Week's Question: Stick it to The Man <<
  From little victories over your bank manager to
  epic wins over the law - tell us how you've put
  one over authority. Right on, kids! Suggestion
  from Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/theman/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Vuvuzela remover <<
  Always working to help humanity, geeks are
  making audio filters to remove the vuvuzela
  sound from the World Cup. We're making a filter
  which replaces the football with interesting
  documentaries from Radio 4.
http://snurl.com/nerdsgloriousnerds

  
  >> Stuff no-one told me <<
  Charming illustrations accompany life lessons
  you wish someone had told you.
http://stuffnoonetoldme.blogspot.com/


  >> Swing-o-matic <<
  The Swinger automatically stretches any tune
  you like into swing time. Worth it just for
  swinging Sting.
http://musicmachinery.com/2010/05/21/the-swinger/


  >> Models bare all in new calendar <<
  You can really see everything they've got.
  Which is, of course, because they are being
  X-rayed. Insert your own 'boner' joke here.
http://www.geekosystem.com/x-ray-pin-up-calendar/


  >> Best actress CV <<
  Excellent imdb entry, but she should be afraid
  of getting type-cast.
http://imdb.to/aB7D1


  >> Notting Hill's hidden  posters <<
  London Underground workers recently uncovered a
  wall of posters dating from the late 1950s.
  That was back when posters were the most
  awesome form of advertising and had all the
  best people and all of the money. Nowadays that
  would be Google Adwords.
http://snurl.com/tubeywoo


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Two for one bonus! Thank you b3ta!

  >> Ridley Scott's Monopoly <<
  "Rumour has it that Ridley Scott is making a
  feature film based on the board game Monopoly,"
  claims Ornsack. "Over a couple of pints we
  dreamed up what the trailer may look like." It
  looks a lot like win.  
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ridley_Scotts_Monopoly


  >> Top 30 annoying fanboys <<
  Which foolish nerd stereotype do you fall
  under? Dave and Rob have compiled this
  spotter's guide for e4. To be honest, it was so
  long ago we'd actually forgotten everything
  about it. Spent a pleasant few minutes reading
  it again - you should go look at it too.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/fanboys/index.html


  >> Pork Force <<
  "I've just put this up - Pork Force!"
  ejaculates Joel Veitch. "I'm ridiculously
  excited about it, really think it's one of the
  best things I've ever done." Joel feels this
  way about everything he's ever done - and
  that's one of the reasons he's such a fricking
  star. Anyway, this one's a corker, so enjoy!
http://b3ta.com/links/Pork_Force


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a Gameboy camera but in colour

  >> When BP spills coffee <<
  Behind-the-scenes look at the oil company's
  crisis management team in all their glory.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/When_BP_spills_coffee


  >> Caravan fail <<
  Bunch of blokes have a bit of trouble towing a
  caravan out of a garage. "Well that's fucked
  it."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf6ZA-of17Q


  >> Extreme arts & crafts activities <<
  Death metal dad tries to keep his little
  daughter entertained. But how?
http://snurl.com/pendulumsnextvideo


  >> New Ok Go video <<
  Like all their other videos, this one is
  brilliant - like all their other songs this one
  is, eh, it's fine. Inventive fun with
  time-lapse, tracksuits and a friendly goose.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Ok_Go_Video


  >> Whelan & Dealin <<
  This really made us want a Father Ted-style
  sitcom based on drug dealers. Or perhaps just
  to listen to some Irish people talking about
  anything at all. What a lovely accent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_off_me_box


  >> Kitten fluff <<
  Adorable baby cat sees a mirror for the very
  first time. Awwww.
http://snurl.com/catsaretwats


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Redefining the word funny to mean misery

  * THOMAS CONDOM - jellybeanflicker writes,
  "Oddly, I'm asking you to ignore the batshit
  insane plan of whitewashing a mountain to make
  it look like it has snow on top (well, I know
  that isn't the idea, but it's about all the
  good it will do) Scroll down about 2/3 of the
  way down."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/latin_america/10333304.stm

  * CLINT LOOKS LIKE CUNT - the oldest joke in
  the book but always wins.
http://bit.ly/bpg3h7 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Progress from the World Cup Challenge

  Last week we asked you to 'shop the 
  football thingie. We're keeping the 
  challenge open, but in the meantime...

  Our favourites have included:
 
  * SHINING - the vuvuzela makes a 
    terrifying, unexpected appearance 
    (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10091486

  * 1966 - if ITV had been covering the 
    World Cup the year wot we won (benito 
    vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10089279

  * SWERVE - Beckham's historic goal 
    against Greece examined from a new 
    angle (Bambleweeny 57)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10087173

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/worldcup/


  >> New challenge: Mock Green Britain Day <<
  We've all seen those annoying Green 
  Britain Day posters with random celebs 
  saying how green they are. And all 
  brought to you by a company that's big, 
  nuclear and owned by the French. Can you 
  help improve Green Britain Day for them? 
  And surely there's better, inappropriate 
  people to front it? Photoshop and do your 
  worst. Image challenge sponsored by 
  Ecotricity who are properly green and 
  will supply the winner with free 
  electricity for a year (up to £500).
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/MockGreenBritainDay/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

   * MY GRANDMA IS BANKSY AND SHE'S BEEN OUTED IN
   THE ONION - helmsdeep writes, "The Onion
   editor Joe Randazzo tweeted a month or so ago
   asking if anyone had any English Grandmothers.
   I replied, said I did. He asked me to take
   some pics of her for an article. A month later
   this is the result...!"
http://snurl.com/onionylols


  * MINORLY INCORRECT CULTURAL REFERENCES -
  WillI'mNot writes, "The Ginger Fuhrer wouldn't
  have bought his Matsui personal stereo in
  Dixons. Dixons sold Saisho, Currys sold Matsui.
  I'm so very sorry." Ha ha - well spotted! This
  is correct - it was Currys and an older boy at
  school had a Saturday job there and could get
  us 10% off anything we wanted. And we didn't
  have to do him sex favours or anything!

  * HOW TO MAKE AWFUL BOOZE - CapnChkn says,
  "Well! Youse guise is trying to make booze?
  Handy tip, take bananas. Stir them up until
  they're moosh, paste, etc. Add some water and
  sugar to get it going, then when you have all
  your fruits and goodies ready (I liked to use
  old oranges, because they would make
  penicillin.) add and let it ferment for 7 days.
  "It don tase good, but it'll getchu f**ked up!"
  Can somebody try this for us? We don't want to
  die.

  * CREATIONIST MUSEUM NOT IN PORTSMOUTH - lots
  of you including jugglinbob wrote in on this
  issue. "That piece in last week's newsletter
  about the creationist museum wasn't the one in
  Portsmouth. This one (although as
  scientifically idiotic), at least had a certain
  "production" quality.  The one in Portsmouth
  not so much.  Just look it up on google images.
  It's a disused pub."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfWvniBYscQ
http://www.genesisexpo.co.uk/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Fold the world

  In the world of play-them-once-and-forget Flash
  games the current thing is to make a platformer
  and give it a gimmicky twist in the controls.
  If you want to earn a few quid on Kontraband
  you could do worse than spending a day
  brainstorming such quirks.
http://www.nitrome.com/games/faultline/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * YOUTUBE FARTER - Crap Little Monkey wants a,
  "Youtube changer that adds fart noises to quiet
  gaps in youtube vids. Turn any speech into a
  fight against flatulence."
  
  * B3TAN SECRET HANDSHAKE - God_of_the_mind
  asks, "A friend and I were recently having a
  conversation regarding the freemasons, part of
  which was focused on their 'secret handshake'
  which they use to identify one another (or so I
  am led to believe). Anyway, wouldn't it be
  rather spiffing if there was a secret b3ta
  handshake; one which, when shaking the hand of
  another, would allow us to identify a fellow
  b3tan? Feel free to put forward the idea if
  anyone has any ideas how such a handshake would
  be carried out. Perhaps an instructional video
  as a guide?'

  * RAPE STICKS - Don't know what this means but
  we're filling space and that was the first
  thing that came out. Err. So send us some rape
  sticks, whatever they might be.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by planearm,
  @rmt_1982, Cap'n, I'm dreaming of a
  WhiteRussian, Pesky Young Scamp, Damocles, Sir
  Sand Goblin, Bob Todd, cornucopia, codepo8,
  Smale, @davidschneider, Skeletor, pissflaps
  Subjlol by monkeon. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Sickijoke via Craig.M 
  
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  What's big, Scottish and depressing?
  Scotland. 

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