NEWSLETTER: "NOT AS POSH AS THE TIMES, BUT AT LEAST IT'S FUCKING FREE"
This Week:
* CARTOON - Stephen Fry!
* SURPRISE - Ninja cat attack
* COCKS - on lady celebs
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're shaving our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| legs... together"
B3ta dog shit 434 - 2 July 2010
Read this issue as a PDF on iBook via Ttunes?!
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue435/
Sexy people: [email protected]
BASTARDS: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
70,000 people were there. Were you?
Enjoy Glastonbury? Find & tag yourself in
Orange’s HUGE photo of the Pyramid Stage crowd
at Glastonbury with GlastoTag. Or just do a bit
of crowd-spotting and take a look at everyone,
all zoomed-in and up-close.
http://tinyurl.com/3383f48
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than eating belly button fluff
>> Stephen Fry <<
"Ugh, three screens is doing my head in a bit,"
groans Jonti, from his triangular cocoon of
pornography. But it hasn't stopped him
producing this marvellous celebration of
national treasure Stephen Fry Esq. The joy of
doing anything about Mr Stephen on the internet
is, of course, that he'll know about it within
10 minutes.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Stephen+Fry/
>> Awkward Pauses <<
"I've started this blog," begins monkeon. "It
was going to just be a collection of O-faces,
but became about gurning and grimacing to make
it a bit more varied." He screen caps youTube
vids to capture the precise moment a celeb
looks stupidest.
http://awkward-pauses.blogspot.com/
>> Granny's Handbag <<
List song specialist Koit tackles classic
memory game Granny's Handbag.
http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/flash/Grannys.html
>> BT Total Broadband <<
Rusty Shackleford's quick and dirty bash at
that annoying BT commercial has you saying hello
to an old internet friend. NSFW.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/BT_Total_Broadband
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: STANDON MUSIC FESTIVAL
A nice sponsored linky. Yay!
A festival where you dress up, suck off the
girlfriend's dealer and get to try gourmet food
to take the taste away. Think Glastonbury
without the BBC, but with a nightclub in a
cowshed, a swimming pool and some cool band
that will win the Mercury prize next year.
Stevie Wonder? Pfft. He can see anyway. Lying
fuck.
http://tinyurl.com/3a5kayr
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Starting something you couldn't finish
Last week we asked for things you'd started and
simply couldn't finish. Click for Pooflake's
epic story of a Pooflake without a Poo:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unfinishedbusiness/
* SHED SHED SHED - "8 years ago I moved into a
house and wanted to put up a shed at the end of
the garden instead of the hill of soil and
bricks and stuff that generations of lazy
bastards had left there. YEAR 1: Occasionally
go up to the end of the garden and look at the
little hill, wishing it wasn't there. YEAR 2:
Start Work!. Spend 2 hours digging into the
hill. Realise this is a big job. Stop for
Lunch. YEAR 3: Occasionally go up to the end of
the garden and look at the little hill, wishing
it wasn't there. YEAR 4: Hire a mini-digger and
remove the little hill, creating an unusual
raised lawn in another part of the garden.
Measure up for the shed, it's all systems go.
YEAR 5: Think about putting a base down. YEAR
6: Think some more about putting a base down.
YEAR 7: Get a builder to put a base down. YEAR
8: I’ve ordered the shed! 10x12 feet of manly
hidey-hole, It's coming in two weeks and I
can't tell you how excited I am. Only took 2
more years than the London Olympics project."
(Ring Of Fire)
* WORK WORK WORK - "In order to make me be more
organised, my boss made me keep a diary of what
I was working on and how long tasks were
taking, so we could see how to improve things.
When we sat down at the end of the week to
review it, I had to admit that I'd only managed
to keep it updated for the first morning, and
that read: + 9am-9:30am - meeting with boss
about diary + 9:30am-1pm - general admin-ish
stuff. I think they pretty much gave up on me at
that point." (SnowyTheRabbit)
* PEEP PEEP PEEP - "Not one single thing, ever.
Signed, M. Magnússon." (Galactic Yeti)
>> This Week's Question: Anal <<
We'd like your OCD habits and rituals. Turn
round three times and talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/habits/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Your Freedumb <<
The government's half-arsed vox pop 'Your
Freedom' website yields some Speak Your Brains
gems.
http://yourfreedumb.tumblr.com/
>> Lady celebs with huge man-penises <<
Godferry dribbles, "OMG lady celebs with
cocks!" Reminds us of the links we used to send
into popbitch in about 2000 and worth it for
the wtf value of "Sarah Palin fucking Tina Fey
in the ass."
http://kinkyjimmy.thumblogger.com/
>> Heroin addiction comic book <<
Bought an iPad this week and realised it was
great for reading comics and then thought, "I
really want to read a comic about heroin
addiction" and found this:
http://www.ep.tc/hooked/
>> Price Tag Fails <<
Not actually fails. Bored retail staff place
price tags to cause maximum hilarity.
http://snurl.com/99plols
>> Office rebellion infographic <<
Useful safety diagram showing the expected
development of the desk drones finally snapping
and throwing off their shackles.
http://www.somethingrotten.dk/wp-content/anarchy.j...
>> Spoof Railtrack <<
When Railtrack went tits up a while back, it
allowed this forward-thinking joker to quickly
register his own company as 'Railtrack Ltd'.
Now he gets to mercilessly wind up the defunct
rail company's creditors, debt collectors and
solicitors.
http://www.fitlads.net/tmp/railtrack.pdf
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Pets in Cast
Remember the Britpop band Cast? Well they're
back and they've replaced John Powers with a
kitten! Brilliant. All together now in a scouse
accent, "walk away walk away, if dog starts a
fight walk away." Oh casts not Cast. Ho hum.
http://www.petsincasts.com
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but without the pages from Ceefax
>> Super Fast Ninja Cat Attack <<
There's a cat in a closed box; how do you tell
if it's alive or dead? Here's how.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/SUPER_FAST_NINJA_CAT_ATT...
>> Life of a pet AT-AT <<
Aww so cute - he thinks he's a dog. The
squirrel-chasing scene was a nice touch.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_day_in_the_life_of_a_p...
>> Freaky fish <<
Recently-decapitated, skinned and gutted
dogfish return from the dead to frighten a
hapless cook and make us feel sick. The reason,
of course, is Science: Adding salt caused the
fishes' muscles to start flexing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Richard Whiteley Countdown Gotcha <<
Old readers will remember what loathsome cunt
Noel Edmunds was on his House Party show -
however this clip also shows what beautifully
engineered pranks they occasionally pulled off.
There must have been someone very smart working
on the production team as we simply can't
credit this to Noel.
http://snurl.com/countdowngotcha
>> 100 greatest movie insults of all time <<
Some absolute classics made it in here,
including "cock-juggling thunder-cunt". Lots
and lots of Joe Pesci.
http://snurl.com/100bestinsults
>> Covers band play Abbey Road Medley <<
If you've got 18 minutes spare this afternoon
then sit back and listen to The Fab Faux tackle
side two of Abbey Road. Great music played by
great musicians who are only a teeny, tiny bit
less cool-looking than The Beatles.
http://snurl.com/shabbyroad
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Like a dog with two cocks
* WIKILOLS - stuartcolebrook writes, "I was
reading the Wikipedia article on Ned Kelly and
a couple of bits made me chuckle, particularly
the name of the Chinese pig farmer he assaulted
as a lad. I'll leave you to discover it
yourself."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ned_Kelly
* UNLIKELY AUTHOR - benseviltwin apologises,
"Sorry, one for the funny names corner, but
this has to be the king of all"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0007FGT7...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Littlejohn Challenge
Last week we wanted you to photoshop mighty
scribe Richard Littlejohn
Your favourites included:
* FILTH - sickened and disgusted by the image
challenge itself (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10101009
* SHINING - a dangerous psychopath at a
typewriter. Sound familiar? (Monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10103463
* DOGS - how different papers see the same
story. An oldie, but a goodie nonetheless
(Checkinguponmeagain?)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10104350
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/richardlittlejohn/
>> New challenge: Giraffes <<
Giraffes are brilliant. Show us what it would
be like if they lived in human society. Or
doing anything else. We don't care. Because
giraffes are brilliant.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/giraffes/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories
* RIPPING OFF VENDING MACHINES - simonski
writes, "As a young man I lived in a bedsit
where the gas fire ran off a coin meter.
Solution? Slab of plasticine-form impressions
of 50p pieces - fill with water and freeze.
Result? Free gas and a confused landlady with
an empty, rusty coin box. (The electric was
even easier - you could undo the padlock with
a teaspoon)."
* TREE SCIENCE - randallbart writes, "Trees are
not reflective in infrared, they glow in
infrared. Not your fault because you just
repeated the treehugger said, but it's not
reflectivity, it's incandescence." This made me
curious enough to look it up - and we know
Wikipedia isn't the best source going - but it
reckons ..."the "Wood Effect," an effect mainly
caused by foliage (such as tree leaves and
grass) strongly reflecting in the same way
visible light is reflected from snow. There
is a small contribution from chlorophyll
fluorescence, but this is marginal and is not
the real cause of the brightness seen in
infrared photographs." Anyone who understands
magic tree science want to settle this?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infrared_photography
* BROWSING LOOKING LIKE WORK - fishsticks
writes, "Re: McClairey's request for a web
browser that makes it look like you're working.
Ghostzilla did just that when it was available.
It basically made websites look like Excel/Word
etc. It's discontinued now, but there is
GhostFox, a FireFox addon that does much the
same. It drifts in and out of compatibility
with Firefox though, so you might have to tweak
some settings to get it to work."
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/227...
* Whereas moogthedog recommends, "I found this
'Magic Boss Key' application that also mutes
the sound when you hit the key combination."
http://www.magictweak.com/freeutil/magicboss/magic...
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: FRIDAY GAME
The IT Crowd Game
Our ginger Fuhrer and Matt Round have been hard
at work producing a game for Channel 4 to
promote the IT Crowd comedy show. May contain
references to Keyboard Cat:
http://snurl.com/itcrowdgame
BTW: orca_biscuits delightfully asks, "Where
the fuck was the Friday game, you ginger cunt?"
Sorry about that but if people don't send them
in then we don't run them, and we're too proud
simply to lift the current highest-rated game
from Kongregate.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week we're obsessed with spunk and want
cummy projects:
* DRINKING COW SEMEN - a friend has just moved
into an office owned by an artificial
insemination company - they're selling "Semen
Royalty Bull" for £40 + VAT. Buy some and drink
it for youTube lols.
* COME ON YOUR iPAD - you should download porn
and then wank onto the screen of your shiny,
wipable iPads - if only to prove by example how
wrong Steve Jobs is when he says his tech
represents "Freedom from porn". Actually email
Jobs and see if you get one of his terse and
grumpy little missives back.
* THE CUM RACE - Every day wank into a pot and
the end of the month upload your pic to the
internet. The person who's produced the most
semen gets a free book from Amazon from us to
the value of £5.99.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Ptolemy, jleyden,
danielbevis, Mark McD, 31eeweep, nmkl pkjl
ftmch, Funt, Godferry, something cuddly and
cute, Herb Alpert's Taxi driver, mystery bob,
murrayjame5, and Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
sickilols via davecrocket. Subjlol via Halibut.
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Predictive text is for aunts.
