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NEWSLETTER: "SOMEONE SHOULD START A PETITION TO BAN FOOTBALL FROM VUVUZELA CONCERTS"

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This Week:
* KUNT VID - "I was pissed out of my head!"
* DOGS - Wiping their bot-bots for you
* KITTENS - Chasing string, caught on camera!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We gave up saving the       
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  web as the APR was
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       shit... together"

B3ta email 436 - 9 July 2010

Save this issue to your c:\private folder: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue436/

       Suggs:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    UnSuggs:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED VIDEO LINK
  Sticks on BBC Comedy

  Sticks is a detective sitcom from The Brothers
  McLeod featuring some bungling coppers. The
  characters are drawn on coffee stirrers, but
  the series also features a yeti on a spatula,
  a zombie on a pastry baster, and an evil pencil
  sharpener. Nice.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/p008nm17/sticks_copper_cuppa/


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? We're waiting for your e-fax.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making ascii cocks as per usual
  
  >> I Was Pissed Out of My Head! <<
  Kunt's latest vid, explaining why he's not
  responsible for anything. We asked who is the
  prostitute you murder? Kunt replies, "that's
  Tate, my mate Jim's missus. He had a whale of a
  day; he had the shit beaten out of him outside
  a pub, went home covered in tomato sauce with
  an actual nosebleed where I accidentally
  cracked him one and then watched on while I
  raped and strangled his wife. I swear, if he
  ever does a Derrick Bird/Raoul Moat, I will be
  on his hit-list!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4YSGPFuDmE

  
  >> Dogs wiping their bums <<
  "I woke up this morning and decided the world
  needed a compilation video of dogs wiping their
  bums," yawns ratbanjos. "No idea why!" This is
  classy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dogs_Wiping_Their_Bums


  >> Kitten chasing some string <<
  The latest addition to the Veitch household
  cavorts for your pleasure. We're mostly amused
  that Joel has named his baby cat Monster Truck.
http://b3ta.com/links/Kitten_Chasing_A_Piece_Of_String


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: SPONSORED IPHONE LINK
  iPhone Puzzle Game

  Dan Norcott (the fat fool from issue 93 with
  shed issues) has created a brand new puzzle for
  the iPhone - it's only 59p - buy it and review
  it and make him a millipennyonnaire.
http://www.linktoapp.com/axis


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Bizarre Habits

  Last week we asked for the silly habits and
  rituals that you just can't seem to shake off.
  Fewer poo stories than we were expecting:
http://b3ta.com/questions/habits/

  * JAWS - "When I was a kid I saw the film Jaws.
    I was convinced Jaws would get me in my sleep. 
    This despite the fact I lived in Lancashire,
    at least a mile from the nearest river with
    a sea connection and a long way from Amity,
    which I was dimly aware was probably somewhere
    off the south-eastern United States. So,
    assuming Jaws survives the end of the film,
    can navigate the river Irwell as far as Bury,
    hop out of the water, thrash his way across
    fields and two major roads, open a garden gate
    latched on the inside (which even human beings
    with their opposable thumbs found nigh on
    impossible), break down a door, climb upstairs
    and manoeuvre through a complicated bannister
    arrangement to my childhood bedroom to bite me,
    he would then have to have a bite at least 23
    inches deep as I habitually slept against the
    wall in order to avoid this admittedly remote
    possibility. Fuck you Jaws, you were never
    going to get me."
    (Smallbrainfield)
     
  * PENS - "Mrs Vagabond says pen lids must be on 
    their pens - either end, but definitely they
    must be on the original pen. This is, in
    essence, her code for "Please entertain me
    by distributing pen lids around the flat at
    random." I think."
    (A Vagabond)
     
  * KNOTW - "I have CDO... it's similar to OCD,
    but I have to put the letters in alphabetical
    order"
    (greatoldone)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  Have you ever been put in a position of power?
  Did you become a rabid dictator, or did you
  completely arse it up and end up publicly
  humiliated?
http://b3ta.com/questions/power/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Nerd badges <<
  As people who suffer from a massive overload of
  un-dealt-with email we wish one day to earn the
  inbox zero badge. In our dreams.
http://www.nerdmeritbadges.com/products/inbox-zero


  >> Musical rings <<
  Create expanding and contracting circles by
  clicking repeatedly. They chime when they
  collide, creating a hypnotic soundscape.
http://lab.andre-michelle.com/pulsate


  >> Awkward family pet photos <<
  Humans note: animals don't share your keenness
  to record everything with a camera. 
http://awkwardfamilypetphotos.com/


  >> You were on your way home when you died <<
  Thought-provoking short story that stayed with
  us for a while after reading.
http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html


  >> Godblock <<
  Protect your children from being indoctrinated
  with religious dogma while browsing the web.
  Godblock software scans and screens for harmful
  religious bullshit. In reality, this is
  probably going to block the web pages of
  Puerto-Rican guys called Jesus. It's obviously
  more there to provoke comment than to be used.
http://www.godblock.com/


  >> 8-Bit City <<
  Lo-fi maps of world capitals - it's great
  zooming in on pixelly Kentish Town!
http://8bitcity.com/map?London 


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: SPONSORED T-SHIRT LINK
  Inspire & upset in equal measure

  Create a fuss wherever you go with a ShotDead
  t-shirt. Social commentary at its finest. Or
  worst, depending on your lookout. Whack the
  Voucher Code B3TA in at the checkout and get
  15% discount. B3at that!
http://www.sdith.com/Default.aspx?cat=38


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like 3D cinema without the annoying glasses

  >> Double Rainbow autotune <<
  Guy sees double rainbow and breathlessly
  enthuses about its beauty - the internet turns
  it into a song. We truly live in the future.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX0D4oZwCsA


  >> Happy turtle <<
  This turtle (or tortoise depending on whether
  you shit in a bog or powder your nose) loves
  nothing better than being scratched on its
  back with an old toothbrush. When we get the
  official b3ta wife to scratch our back she
  calls it "proper Gloucester Old Spots
  behaviour" after her favourite breed of pig. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Happy_turtle_D


  >> Kevin Smith spends a week with Prince <<
  Kevin Smiths gets asked to make a documentary
  for Prince - 35 minutes that explains a lot
  about how loony Prince is nowadays. BTW: That
  whole "internet is over" stuff from Prince?
  Despite being a mental he certainly still knows
  how to get people talking about him.
http://b3ta.com/links/Kevin_Smith_spends_a_week_with_Prince


  >> Japanese public health commercial <<
  "I love the fuckers", writes waz4444,
  "Seriously. If B3TA was a country. It would be
  Japan."
http://snurl.com/japanolols


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Another dildo double entry, chaps

  * GAY BUMMING - Jimvin writes, "Dear Rob or
  whoever. Well, this sounds like a euphemism if
  I ever heard one. How does one join the Uphill
  Badminton Club?"
http://www.uphillbadminton.co.uk/

 * MORE GAY BUMMING - dave.curson writes, "Does
 this count as a "Funny name" item?! 'Tired Gay
 succumbs to Dix in 200m'"
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I420100703


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Giraffe Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to go mental with
  giraffes.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * FLAG - historic military moment relived, with
  added giraffe (chumpers)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10109467

  * BIKE - a bit like Barry Sheene, but just look
  at him go! Weeeee! (elvisweathercock)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10112174

  * JUMP - school sports day proves popular on
  the savannah (c_kick)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10110234

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/giraffes/


  >> New challenge: Tarsiers <<
  Following the runaway success of the giraffe
  challenge, another beast is the target of this
  week's competition: the humble tarsier - the
  cutest, most bug-eyed creature in all of nature.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tarsier/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * KUNT'S EDINBURGH SHOW - "If it's not being
  too kuntish could you give our Edinburgh
  Festival show a wee plug?" asks Kunt. "It's at
  the Meadow Bar from 5-29th August and there's a
  London preview at Kings X Social Club on 16th
  July. Wanks very much" Sorry, Kunt - we don't
  just give out plugs. Details here:
http://www.kuntandthegang.co.uk


  * YOUR FACE ON SOME MONEY - The award-winning
  War on Terror boardgame is making a return and
  "beginning this Friday, we're auctioning off
  the opportunity to get your face on the new
  edition War on Terror money," writes Andrew
  Sheerin. "We're giving half to Amnesty too, so
  while it's all about money, it's also about
  warm, fluffy things."
http://www.terrorbullgames.co.uk/moneyauction/


  * HOW TO MAKE A VIDEO PITCH THAT WANGLES YOU A
  TV SERIES - thatgingerscouser writes, "I sent
  this to Lonely Planet Television in Australia
  in the summer of 2008. They went for it, and
  now my eight-part TV show ("Graham's World") is
  getting shown on the Nat Geo Adventure channel
  in Asia and Australia and will be shown on the
  BBC later this year. If any of you are looking
  to do something similar and have got a kick-ass
  idea (as I'm sure many of you have) this is the
  kind of thing that TV producers want to see. Be
  excited, get them excited."
http://snurl.com/oursuccessfulpitch


  * MARRIAGES / BIRTHS / DEATHS - beckyjsbx
  writes, "Hi, can crackhouseceilidhband and
  Captain V be mentioned in the newsletter this
  week please? They met at a bash last year and
  she just gave birth to their first baby
  yesterday. Also, Althegeordie is getting
  married on Saturday, but to a non b3tan, but
  wasn't sure if he could get a tiny mention as
  he's had a few front pages and stuff from
  QOTW." 	
  

  * FUCK THE DIGITAL ECONOMY ACT - beerandcrisps
  writes, "A while ago you asked to be saved from
  the Digital Economy Bill.  Here's your chance.
  Please share with your readers."
http://tinyurl.com/2wopkgl


  * CUMMY RACING - Sandettie LVA writes, "I tried
  this back in my early teens when I was new to
  the experience of knocking myself about. I
  used one of those small plastic containers that
  rolls of 35mm film was found. First go was a
  pitiful small amount. So, after a short wait, I
  started again and went to double up my sample. 
  It was then that I realised that semen has a
  half-life of not many minutes and degrades to a
  clear runny fluid with a peculiar odour.  Given
  that even as a 13yo who could tug all day if
  need be, I reckoned it would still take a good
  15 excursions on the skin-boat to fill that
  small pot. That would equate several days
  investment. I did not wish to keep a small pot
  of that foul-smelling liquid any longer than
  necessary. 10 minutes was bad enough, I hate
  to think what it would be like after a week. 
  Probably evolve a civilisation and develop a
  space program."


  * GOOD POINT ABOUT TREE INFRARED - Apache
  writes, "Infrared light is reflected very
  strongly by chlorophyll and this reflectance is
  used to classify and measure the extents of
  vegetation. Look at the link below from 'NASA
  for Kids'. Also, If it is incandescent then it
  would emit light and not reflect it. Good
  experiment to prove this, take an IR picture of
  a tree in the dark!"
http://science.hq.nasa.gov/kids/imagers/ems/infrared.html


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HELP A B3TAN - Iain7 asks, "Alas! I've broken
  my friend's favourite bowl and the internet
  doesn't seem to know where to get a new one.
  Does b3ta know? It's white, with 'VINTAGE
  Kellogg's' written on the bottom and 'Hear
  their freshness' and a picture of a girl with
  some Rice Krispies on the side."

  * RED WINE THAT DOESN'T STAIN THE TEETH AND
  LIPS MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAMP - solve this
  any you'd be a millionaire. We'd buy it anyway.
  And we've got a million pounds.

  * CHEWED-UP PAPER CEILING FLICKING COMPETITION
  - what's the biggest lump of mouth mâché can
  you and your chums make stick to the ceiling.
  (We visited a toilet in a kids community centre
  the other day and were reminded of this
  delightful game.)

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Avast, mikeisbrill,
  applehead, Hot Grot and waxy. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickilols via
  Icomeinpeace. Subjlols via AMSnell. 
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Want a drink of cold water but can't be arsed
  to wait for it to cool down in the fridge? Fill
  a water bottle, stick a good few ice cubes in
  and give it a good shake. The ice being mixed
  up in the water will lower the temperature
  quicker than just putting the water in the
  fridge or even in the freezer. (sandettie light
  vessel automatic)

-------------------------------------------------

  Joke changed because someone on twitter moaned
  it was nicked, so instead here's one we remember
  hearing when we were about 12:

  What's grey and comes in pints? An elephant.

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