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NEWSLETTER: "RIP HAROLD SHIPMAN, YOU LEGEND"

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This Week:
* OVERDOSE - a day of Atari 2600
* JEDI CAT - with a lightsaber
* KARAOKE - Jewel sings Jewel

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Fuck knows what we're   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    doing but we're still 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    doing it... together"

B3ta email 437 - 15 July 2010

Retweet this issue to your friendster 'e-pals'
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue437/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Black Face Paint  
  
  Your boss man writes, "Regular readers will
  know the score - our advertising is up and down
  like a priest's knickers, last week we had
  three ads and this week? Fuck all, so as
  tradition goes I'm linking to the most
  interesting item in my recently-bought items
  list on Amazon and it's er... some black face
  paint. The reason being I had this weird
  fantasy about making my face black and my hair
  stick out and calling myself Ginger Lazarus. I
  did this and made our youngest child burst into
  tears, so um, good idea there. Why don't you
  try it?"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000LWCPV4/b3ta-21

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than playing soggy biscotti

  >> The Daily Mail's as Underground Map <<
  PokeHQ writes, "This took hours, and hours to
  do. Hope it was worth it." Definitely worth it,
  and we like it so much we've set it as our
  official B3ta wallpaper.
http://snurl.com/dailyfailtubemap


  >> Jedi cat <<
  That cute little cat-in-a-box from last week.
  Only now he has a lightsaber, courtesy of
  Faceburger. Yay!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Now_he_has_a_lightsaber_D


  >> Double Rainbow <<
  "A double helping of Rainbow," brags Pig Face
  Turnip over this, his own take on the double
  rainbow meme.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Double_Rainbow


  >> "My Guitar is a Mushroom" <<
  "About a year ago I made a guitar in the shape
  of a Power-Up Mushroom from the Super Mario
  Universe," explains shovelboy. Here's his show
  and tell demonstration.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_Guitar_is_a_Mushroom


  >> Uncle Wormsley <<
  A darkly nostalgic Yuletide tale from Joel &
  co, who are putting it out now because
  "hopefully we'll get to make it as a TV
  Christmas special - got some interest along
  those lines but nothing definite as yet."
  Anybody wanting to fund this, Joel will be your
  private dancer and any old music will do.
http://www.unclewormsley.com/				


  >> Atari 2600 overdose <<
  "Here's a great retro gaming article," boasts
  phonepimp. "Guy plays his Atari 2600 for an
  entire day without stopping." We enjoyed his
  description of the Atari as a reverse
  Terminator - a terrifying machine sent from the
  past to end his life.
http://snurl.com/atarioverdose


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Absolute Power
  
  We wanted to know if power had turned you into
  a rabid dictator or a humiliated arse. Go read
  how Vagabond turned a lowly temp job into a
  power lunch with the captains of industry:
http://b3ta.com/questions/power/

  * Gullible - "When I was a young chap my mother
  thought it would be a good idea to put me and
  my brother in charge of the party games at my
  little sister's birthday party. We proceeded to
  con them into following a series of arrow
  post-it notes around the garden, through the
  house, out the bathroom window back into the
  garden, into the shed and then starting all
  over again claiming they'd missed something on
  the way. Meanwhile we scoffed a shedload of
  party food and watched telly whilst the fools
  completed at least eight full circuits."
  (shake'n'bake)

  * Actionable - "It's scary to think that
  parents give me, the babysitter, absolute power
  over their kids for the evening. I've so far
  managed to convince various children that:
  toothpaste comes from caterpillars, moths are
  the ghosts of butterflies, I am related to
  dracula, gnomes are evil, butter grows in dark
  places, adults get twice as much monopoly money
  as kids, donkeys are aliens and the list goes
  on. Absolute power over children may not seem
  much to people in real positions of power, but
  it can be funny as fuck at times. Also, every
  child I've babysat could make a decent cuppa by
  the age of 7..." (Smash Monkey)
     
  * Certifiable - "For my birthday just gone, my
  girlfriend gave me absolute power over her. I
  was allowed to do anything I wanted to, and
  she'd go along with it. So I went down the pub
  and got hammered whilst she cooked the dinner."
  (Monkey the Chicken)


  >> This Week's Question: Doing it wrong <<
  Tell us about the facepalm moment when you
  realised you've been doing it wrong these
  years. Talk to us here, you mug:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wrongness/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Meme theme: 3 googles <<
  We once worked with a magazine journalist who
  liked to say "three is a trend", meaning that
  if you can find three of something you can
  bullshit out a feature about a rising trend. If
  that guy still worked in journalism we'd send
  him this:
http://therevolvinginternet.com/
http://unevengoogle.com/
http://www.googlingwithkittens.com/


  >> Friends of irony <<
  Imagine, if you will dear reader, a site that
  collected together photos of signs that
  directly contradict what you can see. Wow,
  internet, you spoil us. But you really don't
  understand irony.
http://www.friendsofirony.com/


  >> Fake Tube station in London <<
  Tube stations are weirdly fascinating places -
  a lady friend of ours claims she can get
  through her local ticket barrier without paying
  by slowly rotating her foot at the station guy
  - a notorious shoe pervert. This is where such
  types get their training:
http://snurl.com/secretunderground


  >> Awkward Stock Photos <<
  If you've ever produced crap for the internet
  you might have spent an afternoon clicking
  through stock photo libraries going, "Crikey,
  what a load of shit" but it never occurred to us
  that it was a potential comedy gold-mine. 
http://awkwardstockphotos.com/


  >> MS Paint Masterpieces <<
  If Lovejoy was still being made - he'd be
  getting Tinker to bash out forgeries of Old
  Masters in MS Paint and selling them on
  Twitter. Fact.
http://mspaintmasterpieceproject.blogspot.com/


  >> Those clever Old Spice ads <<
  Internet advertising has just been rewritten -
  forget spending all your budget on bashing out
  a clever viral that looks like it was a made in
  a shed with a felt-tip, from now on in it's
  going to be this highly reactive 'making vids
  to Twitter comments' shit. Somebody should
  think of a name for it because every agency in
  town will be pitching variations on this for
  the next year.
http://snurl.com/oldspicewin


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like laserdisks but less shiny

  >> Maori's Morning. <<
  Most stop-motion is crap yeah? Once you've got
  over the OMG THAT MUST HAVE TAKEN AGES, who
  really gives a shit? This is different because
  they've remembered to put gags in it. Remember
  that, internet - you can keep people's
  attention with jokes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Maoris_Morning


  >> The man behind Real Dolls <<
  Who would have guessed he looks like a bonus
  member of Nine Inch Nails and has creepy eyes?
  Apparently, it's important not to judge these
  sadsacks who want to fuck rubber dolls.
http://vimeo.com/13080908
  * Also worth reading - a Real Doll factory
  photo essay:
http://caneparidoesitbetter.com/2010/07/08/love-machine/


  >> Jewel sings Jewel Karaoke <<
  We can't really remember who Jewel was, other
  than some blonde-haired girl who sang some pop
  songs a few years back. Looks like she's on
  hard times but at least up for a few internet
  lols in this cute trick. She visits a karaoke
  bar in disguise and sings her own songs.
  Weirdly emotional and almost made us cry, but
  then we're probably just having a breakdown, or
  starting our periods or something.
http://snurl.com/undercoverkaraoke


  >> You, your kids, and your what now? <<
  According to Urban Dictionary (which by 2050
  will replace the C.O.D as the most-cited
  reference work in academic papers) a Johnson is
  a penis. That's all you need to know to enjoy
  this video, although we might be stepping on
  the punchline there.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/You_your_kids_and_your_what_now


  >> Nazi cock <<
  From the ministry of silly walks comes John
  Cleese, reincarnated as a chicken. Sub-Beadle
  lols but fuck it, he's dead anyway.
http://www.poetv.com/video.php?vid=80859


  >> Black metal band with views on downloading <<
  Norwegian liberal party "Venstre" suggests
  legalising downloading mp3s. Black metal band
  Enslaved tracks down party leader's farm and
  "downloads" one of his sheep.
http://snurl.com/blackmetalsheep


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  It takes two to mango

  * POOR OLD BRUCIE - via the Scottish Daily Fail
http://snurl.com/mailfail


  * MORE UPHILL FUN - Colonel Dracula writes,
  "Re: Uphill Badminton. I live near Uphill, and
  should you find yourself in the area I can
  recommend the "Uphill Garden Centre"; perfect
  for all your uphill gardening needs."
http://www.city-visitor.com/uphill/gardening.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from two challenges

  A few weeks ago we asked you to Photoshop the
  World Cup. Now it's over. Phew.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * FABIO - England's manager, lovingly rendered
  by Pixar (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10085890

  * GREEN - the camera angle that explains
  everything (herman:D)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10089460

  * HORN - the vuvuzela makes a terrifying,
  unexpected appearance (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10091486

  While last week, we asked you to celebrate the
  humble tarsier.
  
  Your favourites included:
  
  * SUMMER - Compo gets compoed in the compo
  (AceFox)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10115509

  * UNBELIEVABLE - Victor Meldrew attempts to
  make a phone call (benito vasselini)  
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10117936

  * HORSE - rare zoological find as tarsier mates
  with nag (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10116511

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you in both challenges, can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/worldcup/
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tarsier/


  >> New challenge: Mel Gibson <<
  Mel Gibson: action hero. Whether it's as 
  Mad Max, or the bloke out of Lethal 
  Weapon, he's never far from our screens 
  or out of the news. So fire up your image 
  manipulation tool and manipulate him. Go 
  mental.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/melgibson/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TANS MAKE KIDS TV SHOW - "Morning BETA!"
  shouts loego. "Just saw someone had finally
  uploaded some clips of our little kiddie show
  Big Babies to YouTube. So I hope you don't mind
  me spreading the word, as we really wanna get
  the show out there to older big kids too. Shame
  out of all the people on YouTube the person
  that uploads our FAMILY kids show has the
  username SODOMIZINGDEVIANTS. Blimey."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Only_fools_and_Horses_fans


  * AT-AT VIDEO: HOW IT WAS MADE - we featured
  the vid a few weeks back and now a revealing
  and inspirational guide to using chromakey and
  stop-motion technology. You'll want to make
  stuff after watching this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_making_of_At_At_Day_Afternoon


  * MORE B3TAN BABIES - A couple of weeks back we
  claimed to be obsessed with spunk and want
  cummy projects. CHCB writes, "So this is kind
  of a cummy project: Me 'n' fellow b3tan Captain
  V meet at a very drunken bash last year, he
  knocked me up and fortunately we quite liked
  that and we had catfaceceilidhbaby on Monday.
  We said if she was ginger we'd call her Rob.
  She's not, so we didn't. In true QOTW style she
  likes breasts. We are waiting to see about the
  undiagnosed crippling Internet Asperger's."


  * COOLING DRINKS - MrMoose writes, "Regarding
  the cold water/drink tip in issue 436: I use a
  battery-powered coffee-foamer whisk to stir an
  ice cube-laden drink at speed to get a very
  cold drink fast. Add about 6-9 ice cubes to a
  pint of juice and don't stop until the glass
  starts to mist over. Don't drink it too fast or
  you'll get brain-freeze!" We prefer the
  low-tech approach of sticking your drink and a
  couple of ice cubes into a thermos flask and
  shaking hard for 30 seconds. It really does
  work and we finally understand why James Bond
  would have a preference for shaken over stirred
  - shaking basically means colder.


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Twitter golf

  Guide your ball across the range by guessing
  what words are popular on Twitter. Tip:
  'iPhone' will get you a longer putt than
  'flopsy'.
http://twirdie.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HOW MUCH HEROIN WOULD IT TAKE TO KILL YOU? We
  want a little calculator based upon body
  weight, purity of the smack, how many other
  depressants you've already consumed.

  * YOUTUBE AUTOTUNE - hearing elephants and
  kittens via autotune is always amusing, but
  wouldn't it be fantastic to have a button that
  works for all youtube vids?

  * A WHAT'S TRENDING ON FACEBOOK GROUP -
  complete with a letter signed by David Cameron
  to print out a demand that it gets taken down.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Cliff Richard's
  porn stash, WiL, Herb Alpert's Taxi driver,
  thememoryhole, Hey Baberuba, DavyBoyInGravyJoy,
  sinisterduck, mediocre, dorocic, WiL. Top
  Tippery by bugboy. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via benito vasselini.
  
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  Predict the future:
  
  When watching the World Cup (or Wimbledon if
  you're posh,) live on TV, have your DAB radio
  secretly plugged into your ear. The broadcast
  time on digital radio is about 8 seconds ahead
  of the TV broadcast. Thus you will have a good
  5 seconds to predict the result.

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