NEWSLETTER: "DOUGH - YOUR COUNTRY KNEADS YOU"
This Week:
* BELLS - On your clothes
* BREASTS - Do men stare at them?
* BALLOON - In space. With Rick Astley.
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're describing the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | sex act as 'forming a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| coalition'... together"
B3ta super-fax 449 - 8th Oct 2010
Read this issue in a funny voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue449/
Joiners: [email protected]
Splitters: [email protected]
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: PANIC ATTACKS CINEMAS TODAY
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Circumcision, Rickrolls and explosions
>> Gatecrashing a circumcision party <<
"I thought you might be sitting there
wondering how to go about gatecrashing a
circumcision party in The Maldives," gambles
Muir. "Well, ponder no more!" Looks like a
good bash, but you wouldn't want one held in
your honour.
http://www.moremuir.com
>> The FIRST RICKROLL IN SPACE <<
"We sent a rickroll into space on a homemade
weather balloon," claims John. "Rick Astley was
blasted out all over the western hemisphere and
got we pictures and video footage of the whole
thing."
http://www.zug.com/live/85980/First-Rickroll-in-Sp...
>> Climate Change re-edit <<
Last week the environmental pressure group
10:10 put out a badly-misjudged video, directed
by Blackadder's Richard Curtis, that appeared
to suggest people who didn't listen to their
message should be killed. It was also horribly
long. Our own Cyriak has put together a much
better edit.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/how_to_solve_the_problem...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Waste of Money
Last week we asked for the stupidest things
that you've wasted money on. Go look at
MJPerry's crudely-drawn cheque:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wasteofmoney/
* "I got set up on a blind date by a friend
with one of his work colleagues. He assured me
that she was about 5'3", cute, long brunette
hair and great company. Had a very brief phone
conversation with her beforehand and she tells
me she'll be wearing a red coat. I arrive and
I'm relieved to see her walking in the
opposite direction towards the restaurant. I
run up and say hi, give her a hug; she looks
more nervous than I do. Excellent. Ask if
she's hungry and ready to grab something to
eat, she replies, 'Ummm... sure' - a lot more
nervous, brilliant! Small talk for a bit, ask
her what she does etc. If she does this sort
of thing often, tell her she sounds a bit
different on the phone; she has no clue what
I'm on about. About 10 mins in, my phone
buzzes, I'd usually not answer it on a date,
but it's the blind date calling... she's
sorry, but she's going to be about an hour
late because she got held up at work. So who
the hell am I on a date with? Just some random
that I met on the street. I had to rush
through the meal with her in record time
before the actual blind date arrived. I then
had to spin some bullshit to take her
somewhere else because I'd already used up my
reservation and the waiting staff would think
I was nuts. So I paid for two meals that day,
struggling through the second one while trying
to act all normal. I got the first girl's
number at the end but never heard from her
again. Not only that, but the second one told
my friend that I was acting weird. Top work
Catherine in the red coat, wherever you may
be, you played a blinder that night!" (Regger)
* "My brothers-in-law Andrew and John worked
together. Andrew decided he needed a van to
run around in, chuck stuff in and not care too
much about. He rang around and found a Bedford
van that had just been brought in to the scrap
yard. A bit bent and rusty, but still road
legal with 8 months MOT and 4 months tax -
yours for £80. Bargain. Oh, it doesn't start
because the fanbelt snapped... John and Andrew
set off in the works Transit to said scrapyard
which is deep in the Sussex countryside. £80
changes grubby hands and the Bedford is tied
to to the rear of the Transit for the long tow
home through the lanes. All is going well,
until a long sweeping bend: Andrew realises
his rookie mistake of not putting the keys in
the ignition as the steering lock suddenly
clicks on; furthermore the brakes won't
respond as the engine isn't running. John was
looking bemused out of the side window when
Andrew came sailing past, snapping the tow
rope and crashing spectacularly into a very
solid, ancient stone wall surrounding a
church. The dust & rust cloud settles. The
impact was so bad that the van is now a
write-off, and Andrew has to open the rear
doors to retrieve his bobble hat. A call is
made to the same scrapyard who come and pick
up the van and give Andrew £30 scrap value,
pissing themselves. Net result, £50 to rent a
van for half an hour, a ride of terror and
looking like a complete bell-end."
(fizzybunghole)
* "In hindsight, buying a twelve-pack of Durex
at the age of 14 seems a little presumptuous
and not particularly good value. If I recall
they were mostly very pricey water bombs."
(number5)
>> This Week's Question: vandals <<
Tell us tales of vandalism and destruction, of
getting caught or getting away with it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/vandals/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Office pranks - hanging bells off people's clothes <<
Good tumblr name for it, too. Hopefully this
will take off and expand to other types of
office prank, our favourite being advertising
your boss's job in the industry press.
http://bellends.tumblr.com/
>> Huge online community map <<
Took us ages to find B3ta, but we're very
pleased we're there. To find us - we're left
of YouTube and next to Deviantart.
http://xkcd.com/802_large/
>> One Website. One Picture. Anyone can change it. <<
Vaguely amusing idea which kept us interested
for... Oh, at least 20 seconds. Doh. NSFW in
case 99% of users do what 99% of internet
users do. Yep, upload cocks. Reminds us of
Metababy from back in the day.
http://www.lastpicstanding.com/
>> Lol Jesus <<
Sometimes our lord and saviour Christ is a
complete cunt.
http://strangebeaver.com/2010/05/meme-of-the-week-...
>> Stuxnet: Cyber-war <<
Spent a good part of this week reading about
the Stuxnet virus, apparently designed to
attack Iran's nuclear program. The really
scary part is that script kiddies now have a
blueprint for making viruses that attack all
sorts of technology. If you're someone who's
likely to write a techno-thriller then read
this FAQ and get pitching:
http://www.f-secure.com/weblog/archives/00002040.h...
>> Incredibly depressing lottery simulator <<
Simulate playing a megamillions lottery to see
how much you lose. We played it through a
handful of times and scored back about 10% of
our 'investment'. As Lemmy says, gambling is
for fools.
http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/poker/megamillions...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
A tiny cinema without popcorn or chavs
* NORTON PROJECT - A story about how two
brothers stole their father's 1969 Norton
Commando motorbike, had it restored and then
gave it back to him for Christmas. If you have
a spare 15 minutes, it's a great video. And
absolutely nothing about cleaning their Dad's
PC from viruses.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Norton_Project
* BREAST-STARING CONTEST - Cure idea for a
hidden camera stunt - which men are going to
leer at the women in the short dress? Spoiler
- all of them. Actually this reminds us of
something we saw yesterday, a young woman
wearing black tights and and short, cut-off
jeans jiggling her way down the high street.
We don't know what was more enjoyable,
watching her arse or watching men turn round
to clock her again.
http://goo.gl/oYWn
* RIP NORMAM WISDOM - in a small tribute to
fallen comedy idols, let's remember Norman via
his wonderful cameo in an old Lee & Herring
clip.
http://goo.gl/ndn0
* JEREMY PAXMAN INTERVIEWS RUSSELL BRAND -
Fascinating interview, Brand is both
intelligent and maniacally intense. Slightly
worried that he's now professing to believe in
God, wonder if he's heading for a massive
breakdown?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/newsnight/90...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Ed Miliband Challenge
Last week you welcomed Ed Miliband to serious
politics.
Your favourites included:
* KILLERS - Ed & Dave reinvented (rather
beautifully, it must be said) as Ian and Myra
(Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10204831
* ADAMS - ditto, but as Douglas Adams'
two-headed, three armed inventor of the Pan
Galactic Gargle Blaster, Zaphod Beeblebrox
(The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10202300
* SPORTSWEAR - say it fast: it's the Red Ed
Miliband millipede headband (Happy Toast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10203418
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/miliband/
>> New challenge: B Movie Monsters <<
Make a B movie monster: mash it, 'shop it,
photograph it, animate it, cut out of paper
and scan it, or make a B movie monster costume
and wear it. Then enter it in the challenge.
Raarrgh! Challenge suggested by maiden.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monsters/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Flabby Physics
Nicky Hewgill writes, "this should be a phone
app - top one-button game."
http://krakez.com/game.php
BTW: Mr_Chopper has also written in to
complain about our comment last week that we
weren't playing many flash games these days as
our casual gaming stuff had been taken over by
the iPhone. He's very, very angry about this:
"Well this is all very well and good, however
for the 6 of us who don't yet own Apple's
A-MAZE-ING "Lifestyle Choices are for Specky
Cocks Anyway" Fucking Machine why not take
things one step further?
"Why not just randomly click around on
YouTube, Vimeo or Dailymotion until you find
something funny? No doubt every man and his
cunt has already seen it, as it's already been
Tweeted half way to Shitzbekistan and back,
complete with fifteen thousand mash-ups and
meta-combinations of memes that don't even
exist yet. When you're done, have a go at
converting it to Cocoa Shunters iOS and make
sure we get hit up with 25% royalty fees -
it's our idea, after all."
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Our bits and bobs follow-ups section
* CONCISE RECORD REVIEWS - Jamie Willcocks
writes, "After seeing last week's 'judge a
book by its cover' link, it reminded me to
pimp my website, which takes a similarly lazy
approach to music. My speciality is reviewing
the latest singles in exactly four words each
- no more, no less."
http://poppsychology.co.uk
* BLOKEY MAKES POP VIDEO - martin_keeler:
"Hello you. I have a bit of a 'what happened
next' thing. A couple of years ago you kindly
included in your newsletter a video I made for
The Divine Comedy of my mate dancing in his
pants. Well, we got a bit of attention after
that but, frankly, nothing that could persuade
me to get off my arse and do something about
it - until I was asked to make a video for a
fab American duo called "hyperbubble" - So we
decided to make a very cheesy vid to their
song "chop shop cop" (and I even managed to
crowbar more of my mate in his pants again).
It cost all of £70 (and that was mainly on
wigs) - and now I appear to be being talked
about in America to the point where we had to
do a very wooden video intro. It's proving to
be much fun! Thanking you for the help in
getting to do this."
http://blogs.sacurrent.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A BUTTON THAT FINDS PEOPLE NOT ON FACEBOOK -
despite everyone being on it there's still
loads of people from our past we can't find.
We reckon they've either got very fat or are
hiding from the tax man.
* A MAGIC NEW iPHONE / iPAD HYBRID - which was
the size of an iPhone when in your pocket, but
magicked up to iPad size for sofa web bollocks.
* A VIRUS THAT HUNTS FOR TAX RECORDS - and
breaks the entire inland revenue system. Come
one hackers - how cool would that be for
bragging rights?
* FACEBOOK RELATIVES - Dan Bull writes,
"Facebook should have a function where you can
upload your family tree and find your
relatives, I'm sure we'd find out everyone is
related."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by waz4444,
BOO! Star, sPUNKer, sinisterduck, Qazxswe,
redazril, nospoon, Smale. Top Tippery by
sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols Bela
Lugosi's Dad.
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TOP TIP:
Jews! Fancy a kosher alternative to pork
scratchings? Simply stick some unwanted
foreskins into a Breville sandwich maker.
