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This Week:
* CYRIAK - Makes video for Ninja Tune
* SURPRISING OPINION - Julian Assange is gorgeous
* CASH4GOLD - leprechauns waiting for your call

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're loving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   paywall... together"

B3ta email 458 - 10 Dec 2010

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue458/

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-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Wicked Pig Challenges episode 3: Invasion

  Pork-snacking funnymen and avid B3tans Dan &
  Rich return for the latest Wicked Pig
  Challenge, but there's trouble in camp. Will
  they sort out their differences in time to
  invade France? Only one way to find outů
http://bit.ly/f0dPEP


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Loops, Tongue and Supermarkets

  >> We got more - music vid <<
  "I only had a couple of weeks to make this
  video for Ninja Tune," explains Cyriak. "But
  it turned out ok, I think." Hapless
  pedestrians once again become playthings in a
  world of nightmarish loops.
http://goo.gl/KesFr


  >> Eating hairy tongue <<
  "Yesterday," harrumphs Joel, "I invented a
  glorious new meal - HAIRY TONGUE!" It's a
  boiled pig's tongue, with pasta hammered
  through it to form starchy 'hair'. Somebody
  please give Joel a cookery show; we could
  watch him all day, making and enjoying
  disgusting food.
http://b3ta.com/links/Hairy_Tongue


  >> Someone else will put it back <<
  When you're in the supermarket it's kind of
  interesting to spot the items people got
  halfway round the store with, then thought
  twice about buying. Mike has been taking his
  camera round the shops and theorising the back
  story - we enjoyed his write-ups.
http://someoneelsewillputitback.com


-------------------------------------------------

: BLADE RUNNER T-SHIRTS
  Bonus sponsored link in your newsletter face
 
  The problem with your average film t-shirt is
  that it's about as subtle as a brick, "I LOVE
  BLADE RUNNER LOL" is hardly going to score you
  geek points is it? But what about if the
  designs were based around Tyrell Corporation?
  Or an advert for the snake lady dancer? Smart
  huh? 

  And we're doing other cool sci-fi films too.
  B3TA 15% discount: B3TAF. Buy 3 Get 1 Free
  with Free 24 Hour delivery
http://bit.ly/hy9XFB


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Broken Promises

  Last week we asked for the broken promises
  that you'd made or had made to you. We don't
  know who this Mick Clegg bloke is, but he's
  pissed off an awful lot of you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/brokenpromises/

  * I promised my ex-flatmate Tom not to laugh
  at his terrible, world-shattering news. Tom
  was home educated until GCSEs, did well, then
  went to a proper sixth form, where he
  discovered girls, booze, drugs and the
  sexually lubricating effects of playing the
  guitar well. So needless to say he did
  pathetically in his A-Levels, dropped out,
  became a musician and developed the sexual
  morals of an unspayed alleycat. His taste was
  for women so loose they only wore panties to
  keep their ankles warm. Happy times. His
  downfall came in the form of a particularly
  loose, and particularly stupid woman named,
  ooh, let's say Amanda. Amanda was
  extraordinarily slutty, deeply in love with
  Tom, and so stupid that the only knife in the
  draw less sharp was actually a spatula. For
  example, sitting in our front room and she's
  cold. So I point to the thermostat, "The
  thermostat's there, turn it up if you want
  to." "What's a thermostat?" Fast forward
  several months. Tom and Amanda have broken it
  off. Tom has a new girlfriend. He gets a call
  from Amanda. She's pregnant. It's his. He
  tells me and is obviously distraught. I'm
  supportive, for a while, but I have the devil
  in me: a week or so later, Tom is wandering
  around the house like a lost soul and decides
  to turn the heating up. I creep up behind him
  as he approaches the control, crouch down and
  say, in a high, childish voice, "What's a
  thermostat, Daddy?" (universalpsykopath)
     
  * "In the song 'wake me up before you go go'
  George Michael sang, "I'm not planning on
  going solo." Then look what the cunt went and
  did. No wonder Andrew Ridgley doesn't talk to
  him." (Appleseed)
     
  * "Dear P2P, You promised me a sexy dwarf
  amputee having sex with a camel, but all I got
  was this lousy Rick Astley video..."
  (Turtlenuts)


  >> This Week: it's not what it looks like <<
  We sometimes protest our innocence when caught
  even when guilty as hell, but what about when
  you are innocent, but trying to explain only
  digs you in deeper? It's not what it looks
  like. Honestly, it's not:
http://b3ta.com/questions/notwhatitlookslike/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Julian Assange is gorgeous <<
  Poor old Mr Wikileaks - he pitted himself
  against the all-powerful shadow state and got
  himself arrested. We worry that he'll never
  get out and be frozen in a 2010 time-warp,
  never playing with an iPad 2, never finding
  out out if OS X Kitten is any good, and never
  knowing the love of a beautiful robot lady (we
  reckon about 2026 for that.) Anyway, remember
  him this way:
http://julianassangeisgorgeous.tumblr.com/


  >> Change your profile pic to a sheep <<
  In what nobody (least of all us) is calling
  B3ta's Facebook Campaign of the Week comes
  this wooly bit of social media satire.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=180928885256532


  >> Cash4Gold pranking <<
  In a similar vein to that one with the picture
  of a spider, this fella has been hassling
  Cash4Gold and framed the resultant reply. We
  laughed SOOOO much!
http://i.imgur.com/rOps7.jpg


  >> IMDB Easter egg <<
  Somebody should make a list of how many web
  things reference this gag - off-hand we can
  also remember BBC iPlayer.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088258/


  >> How to sell ink 101 <<
  Gizmodo is calling it "The Best, Most
  Disgruntled Ink Cartridge Description You'll
  Ever Read" and, frankly, what can we add to
  that?
http://j.mp/hVjGKX


  >> Best lost pet posters <<
  Amusing collection of this little sub genre of
  real world lols.
http://bit.ly/icJ7AO


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: B3TA PEOPLE #2
  Pig in the city, electric boogaloo

  >> Trolling National Rail <<
  "Here are all my attempts trying to renew my
  16-25 Railcard photo," sniggers woahbot. "Some
  sexy results."
http://cribble.net/2010/rejected-16-25-railcard-photos/


  >> Batman/Corrie <<
  Coronation Street fans can't have failed to
  spot that this week's 50th anniversary episode
  was a cross-over with Batman Begins. Don't
  believe us? Take it away, Monty Propps...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Batman_can_be_a_right_bastard_at_times


  >> Nick Clegg raps <<
  "Desperate to rescue his tattered reputation,
  Nick Clegg gets down with the kids," claims a
  wild-eyed and politicised Dan Bull. Here's his
  message for the troubled youth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nick_Clegg_raps


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Video will never catch on, not enough bandwidth

  >> Geek Christmas illuminations <<
  Yay! It's time for Christmas decorations
  again! And what says Christmas like Darude's
  'Sandstorm'?
http://goo.gl/eZ5oG


  >> Dogs, sledding <<
  Having a dog is sharing your house with a
  perpetually cheerful moron. And that's why
  it's great. Observe, these guys realise they
  can slide down hills on their cheeks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Why_dogs_are_better_than_cats_287


  >> DIY avalanche <<
  Blokes attempting to knock a bit of snow off
  the roof succeed beyond their wildest
  expectations.
http://bbc.in/flAv0K


  >> Random 80s/90s singsong <<
  Pure, delightful confusion, as such luminaries
  as George from Seinfeld, The Hulk, James Bond,
  Bergerac and the bloke from 'Allo 'Allo, lip
  dub their way through 'Let It Be', on a beach.
http://bit.ly/eoTelg


  >> Meet Buck <<
  Buck is a nice guy and he has a deer's head.
  Here's the beautifully-animated tale of going
  to meet his girlfriend's folks for the first
  time. Just lovely stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Meet_Buck


  >> Mel Gibson's The Beaver - Recut <<
  Mel's latest film has him as a heavily
  depressed bloke, who externalises his negative
  feelings through a puppet. It was only a
  matter of time before someone did the re-dub.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mel_Gibsons_The_Beaver_Recut


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: SANTACON - DRESS LIKE A PAEDO YEARLY EVENT
  We predict a riot

  5ifty0 writes, "There are 3 different
  locations this year, the details of which will
  be released tomorrow night in the yahoo groups
  forum "londonsantacon". The groups will be
  meeting up later in the day, possibly at
  Trafalgar Sq with inclusion of a Brussel
  Sprout fight. No joke. Everyone dresses as
  Santa, Elves are systematically abused with
  chanting but Reindeers are welcomed. There's
  an afterparty at Bloomsbury Bowl but tickets
  need to be purchased online if any are left."
http://santacon.co.uk/


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: ROB'S PAYWALL CORNER
  On 4chan / Wikileaks etc

  Your B3tarded editor writes, "Every so often
  4chan gets itself into the papers and this
  means one thing: if they can't think of anyone
  else, UK media people poke me for an opinion.
  As it happens I had rather a lot to say on the
  issue as I've recently been poisoned by rat
  shit and pretty much spent a week in bed,
  following the story." It's behind the infamous
  Times Paywall mind you, so no idea how many of
  you can read this. You can also try page 38 of
  the actual Times, if you're in the newsagent
  stocking up on Crunchie bars, and it's still
  Friday when you read this:
http://goo.gl/GjZXm


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the protest signs challenge

  Last week we fantasised you might make a load
  of mental signs that students would print out
  and we'd get all caught up in the news, but
  no, didn't go to plan and you mocked them
  students. Probably for the best since the
  authorities have criminalised being a student
  and are calling them terrorists.

  Our favourites included:

  * BURKA - the world's most offensive joke
  punchline taken to a terrible new low
  (Cockweasle)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10270248

  * CHE - the reality of student protest
  explained for the novice protester (Colonel
  Boris)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10271095

  * COPS - the police, tired of kettling, take a
  fiendishly clever new approach (Peter RICK)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10270397


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/protestsigns/

  >> New challenge: Julian Assange <<
  Man of the moment, it's the guy who puts the
  willies up spooks, Julian 'Blancmange' Assange.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/assange/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HOORAY B3TA ADVERTISING WORKS - Emma
  'Lilith' Haxton writes, "Thanks to you, good
  sir, I am receiving a free bottle of Glayva
  Liquer! You, and your awesome friends at b3ta,
  suggested in issue 454 that we become fans of
  them on their Facebook page. The first 2000
  fans to join are being rewarded with a free
  bottle in time for Christmas. :D Thank you
  b3ta! :D"
http://goo.gl/l2o04


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Tear-jerker game

  There's some really interesting stuff going on
  in the amateur game design world at the
  moment, where gaming structures are being used
  to express emotion rather than a pure game
  experience. The effect is somewhere between
  lonely, confessional indie rock and art films.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/555181


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  We got stuck writing this bit so crowd sourced
  it to twitter and this is what they did:

  * TWO BIT HORSE - "A horse that can clomp its
  hooves in binary" @Protowizard

  * INFINITE MITTEN WEARER - "I'd like to see
  people wearing an ever increasing number of
  gloves until their hands are stupidly big."
  @thehaiku

  * BACKWARDS WORLD - "A riot-y protest against
  students, where MPs go and smash up the
  universities and student bars? I'd LOVE to see
  that." @matthewgardner

  * CSS FUN - "I'd like to see a wikileaks cable
  reader that displays them like the computer
  terminals in fallout 3" @SetecAstronomy

  * FART OFF - "an invention that fits snugly
  around the anus that is activated when a fart
  happens and neutralises the odor. For my
  bfriend." (@Natalie_KateM)

  * FASHION - "a shirt made of paper to go with
  trousers made of sellotape." (@Protowizard)

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


 BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
 been featured then don't be put off - we look
 at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

 THANKS:
 This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
 Stevenson. Stuff sent in by follymoff, The
 Resident Loon, King of Beers, @BenMcCauley,
 @MitchellSt, taters, @mattround, @sheepfilms,
 @thehaiku, WiL, @mattround, @18bikes,
 @shedfire, @jonmoss and @lukosan. Top Tippery
 by bunglist. Additional linkage and image
 challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
 bloke. Subjlols via Emvee.

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Experience what sex will be like in the future
  by having sex with your mother in law. (Or
  your father in law depending on your gender,
  which way you swing etc.)

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